As you know (because I've talked it about in the last several posts) I'm working on a new profile book. I'm about 90% done with it. I need a few more pictures from this coming weekend and I should
be able to wrap it up.
A couple of weeks ago we said yes to having our profile shown to a mom who's not due for awhile. I have no idea when she was going to look at them and since her due date is so far away I'm not really expecting an answer very soon. But at times my mind wanders and I'm very curious if she has made a decision. I'm not going to email the agency because the second I do that they always phone in with their decision and it's never us. So I'm just waiting and wondering on occassion. But this one has not tore me up the way a lot of the others do so that is a welcome change. Today though I was a little curious. In a roundabout way I decided to get some info from our caseworker. I told her I had our new profiles almost ready and needed to know how many to order. I was really hoping she'd read my email and I'd get a phone call back saying DON'T HIT THAT ORDER BUTTON....you've been picked but we were going to wait a little closer to her due date, etc. Do you think that's what happened today?
No, it wasn't. Instead I got an email back that said Why don't you order 4 or 5. Yeah, sure...I'll get right on that.
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Waiting Game
Yesterday was one of those very rough waiting days. Thankfully they aren’t as frequent as they used to be because they flat wear me out! By the time we got home from Cade’s 4-H meeting I was exhausted and climbed into bed. I didn’t even get up early enough for my normal morning routine. I felt like I needed the sleep more. I think I’m starting feel somewhat back to normal now. Thank goodness!
Basically this day has been in the making since the 10th. We got a call from agency #2 that there was a mom who wanted to look at profiles. Were we interested? Called the agency back Friday, got the details and told her to show us. They were meeting with mom Tuesday (yesterday). The agency said they’d let me know by email what the mom decided. Even though I seriously think this had to be close to the 40th time our profile was shown (and that is not an exaggeration, that is a low ball estimate) , I was still nervous.
Add in a profile showing with the year anniversary of last year’s disappointment mix together and you have a mental mess! Then we got our monthly update from agency #1 yesterday morning. Baby C has been placed with a family. I am so grateful for that, but at the same time it stung a little. It was just all of that bad stuff was wrapped up in a neat little package with a one line statement. That made me sad. Then yesterday afternoon agency #2 called to let me know the mom looking at profiles had picked another family. I was so sad by the time I got home last night. It was just a lot to digest in one day.
Also on the update from agency #1 was a reminder that we have to complete 10 hours of training, per person, before a placement. This is a new rule. It makes me want to pull my hair out. Not that I’m against training, but it is just more crap to wade through. Honestly I keep forgetting about it. I think I’m mentally thinking “whatever!” . At this rate I feel like we’ve got years to get that 10 hours done. I’m sure some of the families are jumping on it and probably have their hours done. I can’t even remember to print off the email to take home to deal with it. And it is 10 hours for me and 10 hours for Jay. That should be fun to get through during his busiest time….Oh who am I kidding, his job is always busy!
Every time our profile is shown I pray that God helps the family to make the right decision and if they do place their baby to give it to the right family. I’m getting tired of us never being the right family. I really think 40 showings is a generous low estimate. We have been shown a lot. A whole lot. Out of those showings only a handful of those babies ended up with their biological families. They were placed with adoptive families – just not our family. Out of those showings we were picked once because the mom liked us, but in the end released the baby to foster care. Even in Baby C’s situation I don’t know that we were picked because she liked us – she felt strongly about giving him to the family who waited the longest. So in a way we won by default and not because we were liked. I’m sure she did look at our profile and was ok with placing him with us, but still….Another time we were the only ones willing to be shown in a situation. She looked at our profile and decided foster care was a better option. That one really hurt. So as you can see I was just a mess last night!
But because I married a really great guy, he understood. He told me to go to bed when we got home last night and he handled the bedtime routine and homework and other NFL questions. Then while I was writing out this whole sad post I got a delivery….
The card was signed Just because we love you - Jay & Cade. Isn't he the best. Only problem is that it made me tear up again!
*Also, to clarify - I don't fault any of the mom's for making the decisions that they did. Especailly in our loss last year. I really feel that she was coercied into that decision by some of the events that transpired. My anger in that particular situation was centered on the DFS of that state. They did some really underhanded things that our agency had never experienced before. We've had a lot of out there things happen to us with the situaitons we were picked for. As an adoptive parent you prepare yourself for the possibility of not getting the baby because the parents decide to parent. That hasn't happened in any of our situations. I really feel I could've handled that scenerio better than knowing they were going into foster care. That really makes me sad.
Basically this day has been in the making since the 10th. We got a call from agency #2 that there was a mom who wanted to look at profiles. Were we interested? Called the agency back Friday, got the details and told her to show us. They were meeting with mom Tuesday (yesterday). The agency said they’d let me know by email what the mom decided. Even though I seriously think this had to be close to the 40th time our profile was shown (and that is not an exaggeration, that is a low ball estimate) , I was still nervous.
Add in a profile showing with the year anniversary of last year’s disappointment mix together and you have a mental mess! Then we got our monthly update from agency #1 yesterday morning. Baby C has been placed with a family. I am so grateful for that, but at the same time it stung a little. It was just all of that bad stuff was wrapped up in a neat little package with a one line statement. That made me sad. Then yesterday afternoon agency #2 called to let me know the mom looking at profiles had picked another family. I was so sad by the time I got home last night. It was just a lot to digest in one day.
Also on the update from agency #1 was a reminder that we have to complete 10 hours of training, per person, before a placement. This is a new rule. It makes me want to pull my hair out. Not that I’m against training, but it is just more crap to wade through. Honestly I keep forgetting about it. I think I’m mentally thinking “whatever!” . At this rate I feel like we’ve got years to get that 10 hours done. I’m sure some of the families are jumping on it and probably have their hours done. I can’t even remember to print off the email to take home to deal with it. And it is 10 hours for me and 10 hours for Jay. That should be fun to get through during his busiest time….Oh who am I kidding, his job is always busy!
Every time our profile is shown I pray that God helps the family to make the right decision and if they do place their baby to give it to the right family. I’m getting tired of us never being the right family. I really think 40 showings is a generous low estimate. We have been shown a lot. A whole lot. Out of those showings only a handful of those babies ended up with their biological families. They were placed with adoptive families – just not our family. Out of those showings we were picked once because the mom liked us, but in the end released the baby to foster care. Even in Baby C’s situation I don’t know that we were picked because she liked us – she felt strongly about giving him to the family who waited the longest. So in a way we won by default and not because we were liked. I’m sure she did look at our profile and was ok with placing him with us, but still….Another time we were the only ones willing to be shown in a situation. She looked at our profile and decided foster care was a better option. That one really hurt. So as you can see I was just a mess last night!
But because I married a really great guy, he understood. He told me to go to bed when we got home last night and he handled the bedtime routine and homework and other NFL questions. Then while I was writing out this whole sad post I got a delivery….
The card was signed Just because we love you - Jay & Cade. Isn't he the best. Only problem is that it made me tear up again!
*Also, to clarify - I don't fault any of the mom's for making the decisions that they did. Especailly in our loss last year. I really feel that she was coercied into that decision by some of the events that transpired. My anger in that particular situation was centered on the DFS of that state. They did some really underhanded things that our agency had never experienced before. We've had a lot of out there things happen to us with the situaitons we were picked for. As an adoptive parent you prepare yourself for the possibility of not getting the baby because the parents decide to parent. That hasn't happened in any of our situations. I really feel I could've handled that scenerio better than knowing they were going into foster care. That really makes me sad.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Surviving the Wait
I've read Kelly's blog for quite some time but this is the first SUYL I've linked to. When I saw that adoption was the theme for this week I debated on what to do. No, I technically don't have an adoption story yet, but I have been in the trenches for a long time. A very, very long time. Sometimes I wish I could find a blog where the person had an experience similar to ours but I have yet to find it. I decided maybe today I needed to be that blog. I was going to write out our whole story but it got really long. Instead I decided to put our timeline on the left side and then write about some things I've learned over the last few years....
To sum it up we have been praying for a 2nd child for 67 months. We are one of the "lucky" ones who had no problem conceiving or delivering our first child but then learned about the world of Secondary Infertility when we were ready to expand our family. Out of these 57 months 39.5 of them have been spent as a waiting family with an adoption agency. I know in the scheme of thing we aren't the longest waiters ever and we don't have the saddest story - but still the waiting stinks. No matter how long it takes - it is a frustrating place to be.
I would say though that I've made some great strides in my relationship with God and how I choose to handle my feelings towards the wait in the last few months. After our last failed attempt at embryo adoption I knew that I was finally at the point of where I had to say "God, I've done all I can do, it is in Your hands now". It was freeing to give up the hold that I had on always wondering what our next step should be and should we find another agency, is there anything else we could try etc. I knew without a doubt we had exhausted all of our resources. There were no more backup plans. We had to make a choice - either we continue to wait for the perfect time from God or we give up and quit. We have decided to persevere and never give up until God tell us differently.
Some are probably thinking "well, they just want the perfect healthy Caucasian baby, that's why their wait has been so long". Unfortunately no, that is not the case. We are open to a lot. We are open to drug abuse, different races, not so pleasant situations. In fact both babies we have been matched with have been different races. We have been shown many, many times in many different situations. I wish I had kept track of how many times our profile has been shown. But still we wait. I have no idea why or what God's plan is with all of this, but I have to assume it is something big. Somehow He will use all of this to His glory - we just hope it is before we are 80! ha ha...
So my contribution today is just some things that I've learned over the years. Hopefully it can encourage someone else who may be having a rough time with the wait. Maybe it will help you to learn some of these lessons a little quicker than I did??? I also think it is important though to express that adoption can be a wonderful thing, but it is not pleasant all the time. You will be forced to make some decisions that really don't seem fair and no one but another adoptive family will even begin to understand. Even if you have the greatest most understanding family in the world, they will not fully understand what an adoptive family goes through during the wait and the really hard questions you will have to think about. I'm not saying that to be negative, I'm saying it because it is the truth.
To sum it up we have been praying for a 2nd child for 67 months. We are one of the "lucky" ones who had no problem conceiving or delivering our first child but then learned about the world of Secondary Infertility when we were ready to expand our family. Out of these 57 months 39.5 of them have been spent as a waiting family with an adoption agency. I know in the scheme of thing we aren't the longest waiters ever and we don't have the saddest story - but still the waiting stinks. No matter how long it takes - it is a frustrating place to be.
I would say though that I've made some great strides in my relationship with God and how I choose to handle my feelings towards the wait in the last few months. After our last failed attempt at embryo adoption I knew that I was finally at the point of where I had to say "God, I've done all I can do, it is in Your hands now". It was freeing to give up the hold that I had on always wondering what our next step should be and should we find another agency, is there anything else we could try etc. I knew without a doubt we had exhausted all of our resources. There were no more backup plans. We had to make a choice - either we continue to wait for the perfect time from God or we give up and quit. We have decided to persevere and never give up until God tell us differently.
Some are probably thinking "well, they just want the perfect healthy Caucasian baby, that's why their wait has been so long". Unfortunately no, that is not the case. We are open to a lot. We are open to drug abuse, different races, not so pleasant situations. In fact both babies we have been matched with have been different races. We have been shown many, many times in many different situations. I wish I had kept track of how many times our profile has been shown. But still we wait. I have no idea why or what God's plan is with all of this, but I have to assume it is something big. Somehow He will use all of this to His glory - we just hope it is before we are 80! ha ha...
So my contribution today is just some things that I've learned over the years. Hopefully it can encourage someone else who may be having a rough time with the wait. Maybe it will help you to learn some of these lessons a little quicker than I did??? I also think it is important though to express that adoption can be a wonderful thing, but it is not pleasant all the time. You will be forced to make some decisions that really don't seem fair and no one but another adoptive family will even begin to understand. Even if you have the greatest most understanding family in the world, they will not fully understand what an adoptive family goes through during the wait and the really hard questions you will have to think about. I'm not saying that to be negative, I'm saying it because it is the truth.
- Go in to it prepared to wait. We all hope to be the family who is placed as soon as their face appears on the website, but that only happens for a small few. Try to remember it will happen on God's time not yours.
- Research, read about, listen and learn from others about adoption. Even read opinions from others that you may not agree with. You will learn that your views will change during the wait. BUT do this in small doses. Too much information at one time is overwhelming. You will only end up upset and confused.
- If you are like me and don't want to look at anything baby related until the baby comes home that is completely ok. But one suggestion would be to find a family member/friend who would buy you a few essential hospital things and pack them in a plain bag that you can stash in your house. After two losses I finally developed this system. Next time we get a call we will be prepared to go, but won't have the emotional stress of yet again sorting through the baby clothes.
- You will get tired of the wait. No matter how good you try to keep your attitude it will get hard. There are days you will cry from sadness, want to throw things in anger and actually feel at peace with the wait. Sometimes these phases last weeks, sometimes all three happen in the same 15 minutes. But you will survive it.
- Is is expensive - and I'm not talking about the agency fees here. When you count every trip, every profile copy, every stinkin' HIV test (6 between the two of us since 07) it adds up. Just be prepared. That total sum from the agency includes none of that.
- Even in you are matched and it seems like God has lined everything up it still may not work. BUT remember that God wanted your paths to cross for a reason. Maybe you are the only ones who will ever pray on a consistent basis for that baby and their family. Take that responsibility seriously and do it!
- You can and you will do more than you ever thought you could. God will lead you through it. I will admit that I've read blogs or online forum posts where people have waited 2 months, throw a big fit saying that they can't take it any more and then bam they get a placement. Then all the people on the online forums say God is wonderful because he knew you were at your breaking point and he sent you a baby. So I tried their method before. I've thrown some doozies and told God I was at my absolute lowest at that moment. And like I don't appreciate my child throwing a fit, either did God. Instead of getting my way I heard him say "get up and get it together, I will give you the strength to get through it". And He does. Every time I start to think I won't survive I hear Him say Yes you will!!!
- If you are like us and have another child DO NOT put off the big trips until you think your family is complete. We finally reached that point in 2009. We wanted to do the Disneyland thing and finally knew the time was right. Cade was almost 8. If we waited for another one to be old enough to go Cade would be in HS and the magic would be gone. So we made the most extravagant financial decision we ever had and flew to California. I think Jay and I would both agree on this - we could loose our jobs and our house tomorrow, but we would never ever regret going to Disneyland. It was the greatest trip. And after seeing it with my own eyes I will never do Disneyland with a stroller! Talk about a nightmare (just a little bit of extra advice there).
- It is disappointing to be rejected time and time again. Even though you know that God will put all the right people in the right place at the right time it still stinks. None of us wake up each day and think "boy, I hope someone really dislikes me today". It gets hard to not take it personally. Sometimes I think the choice could be between us and a pack of wolves and the wolves would be the ones picked! I have no idea why....we shower, we wear deodorant, we have normal jobs and pretty normal lives. Jay is a teacher, I am a loan officer....Jay likes football, I'm a typical mom who's only hobby is whatever activity her child is doing (ha ha). But seriously, what is wrong with us? We have one child that I think has turned out really really great. Not that we did anything special to make that happen, we have just loved him like any other parent does. So why don't people like us? I have to constantly remind myself that was not our baby. God did not intend for us to raise that child. And when that doesn't work I take the advice of a friend and tell myself...well, it was just another ugly baby!! :)
- Research all the different types of drugs and their effects on development. Just because you think there are no drugs used in a situation the baby could test positive at birth. Have an idea of what you would do in that situation. I know from personal experience how stressful this can be. When you add that on to the other normal stress of any adoption situation it is hard. A lot of decisions have to be made in a short time frame.
- But with that being said also remember that the birth family has chosen you for a reason. There is something about you that has made them trust you enough to give you their child. Take that responsibility seriously if you have to make one of those hard decisions. Again, from personal experience I know this is hard. And I still feel guilt about a decision we had to make and I wonder daily if the mom has/can/will forgive us?
- Be very careful what you say if you tell people that you are being shown or if you are picked. Once it is said it can't be unsaid. What if you are picked for that situation? Will you really want people to know everything that you knew about the details? Probably not.
- And most importantly never ever loose your faith that God will get you through it. Even with all of what we have been through I still feel that God is going to bless us at some point. I don't know when, I don't know how, it may not be the way we think it should be, but it will happen!
- When a couple tells you they are going to adopt just be happy for them. Don't give them a lecture on why you think white couples should not raise black kids or any other adoption advice - like how hereditary mental illness is. Again, that is something that once it is said can't be unsaid. Those kinds of comments can seriously hurt your relationship with that couple. Once they have a child their 1st responsibility will be to raise the baby in a safe environment. If they feel you are negative towards them or their family they will cut off contact with you.
- And I can't stress this one enough - Don't ask nosy questions. There are a lot of things that adoptive families will not share about their child's history. It is no one's business except for the parents and the child. Sorry, but not even grandparents need to know everything. When you ask questions you put the parents in an awkward situation. They have to lie - and no one likes to lie, but they also have to protect their child. So don't ask. Just be confident in the fact that the adoptive family does know everything that the agency knows and as long as they are comfortable with it, then you need to be comfortable with it. It does not matter in the least to you if the child was drug exposed or if you know all there is to know about the birthfather or even if the mother has other children. All you need to know is that this adoptive finally has the baby they have prayed for for years and years. Your job is to love the baby and not worry about the other stuff. Because it just doesn't matter. And if/when the day comes that the child is ready to share his full story he will share it with those who loved him for him without knowing every detail in the past.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
12 Christmas Presents
Sorry about the depressing post from yesterday, but that's just part of adoption. Some days are good, some days are not so good. Yesterday happened to be one of those not so good days, but we are doing fine. It can take anywhere from a few minutes to several hours to get over the disappointment. Yesterday was one of those longer ones. But today is a new day and who knows what could be in store for us tomorrow?
We've got plenty of things to keep us busy right now so we are moving on and adjusting our minds from the plans we hoped would be back to the ones that will happen in reality....which happens to be the same plans we had up until we got the e-mail Monday morning. So we are moving on with all of our Christmas plans...I wrapped presents last night...tomorrow is Cade's school party and then they get out at 1:00 pm for two whole weeks...Saturday is our 11th Anniversary (which we have no plans for at the time of this publication)...Sunday is the live Nativity...the 21st is Christmas with my family AND I'm on vacation the 22-28. Trying to come up with an idea of something fun and different for us to do one of the days I'm off. I have a plan in mind but I need to run it by Jay.
Another thing we have going on in our household is a mysterious package that arrived Tuesday. It had no name on it anywhere so we don't know who sent it. . It was filled with 12 wrapped and numbered gifts. We were to open the 1st one on the 14th and then one every day until the 25th. Gift #12 feels like a card so I hope we find out who sent it Christmas day. I have my suspicions, but will wait to announce it once I know for sure. Cade is loving this. We've used it as an incentive to get up the last two mornings, which has also helped us out a lot. Don't know what we will resort to come January 3!
Gift #1 - Socks
Gift #2 - Card game
Gift #3 - Christmas decoration
We've got plenty of things to keep us busy right now so we are moving on and adjusting our minds from the plans we hoped would be back to the ones that will happen in reality....which happens to be the same plans we had up until we got the e-mail Monday morning. So we are moving on with all of our Christmas plans...I wrapped presents last night...tomorrow is Cade's school party and then they get out at 1:00 pm for two whole weeks...Saturday is our 11th Anniversary (which we have no plans for at the time of this publication)...Sunday is the live Nativity...the 21st is Christmas with my family AND I'm on vacation the 22-28. Trying to come up with an idea of something fun and different for us to do one of the days I'm off. I have a plan in mind but I need to run it by Jay.
Another thing we have going on in our household is a mysterious package that arrived Tuesday. It had no name on it anywhere so we don't know who sent it. . It was filled with 12 wrapped and numbered gifts. We were to open the 1st one on the 14th and then one every day until the 25th. Gift #12 feels like a card so I hope we find out who sent it Christmas day. I have my suspicions, but will wait to announce it once I know for sure. Cade is loving this. We've used it as an incentive to get up the last two mornings, which has also helped us out a lot. Don't know what we will resort to come January 3!
Gift #1 - Socks
Gift #2 - Card game
Gift #3 - Christmas decoration
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Not the best week, but yet not the worst week....
This is one of those posts I always hesitate to write. How much do I say? How much do I tell about our adoption experiences? Does it come across as whining or not appreciating what I have? So many things to think about. Part of me just wants to forget it all, but the other part thinks that someday I might like having a record of everything. So here is our latest adoption rejection from this week.....
Our profile had not been shown since the end of July. You might remember that lovely weekend....within about 5 days we went from the potenital of 5 babies to 0 between the negative blood test and two different situations where we weren't chosen. Since then we found out we were the longest waiting family which means if a family didn't want to make a decision the agency would place the baby with us. But nothing has been going on, which was ok because we still had the November embryo thing to look forward to. But we all know how that turned out....
Since then, with the help of reading a lot of things by Joyce Meyer, I've been doing ok. I think we had all found a certain level of peace with how things were in our lives at this moment. Then Monday happened. There was a cold call situation. I developed one of the most nervous tummy feelings that I've ever had with a situation. Even Jay was nervous. I don't know that either one of us have ever felt this way about our profile being shown. Most of the time I really don't think about it much, with the exception of a few cases. Honestly, most of the time it's not that big of a deal when we aren't picked, but this one has been hard. I don't know if it was the timing of the year, the fact we are the longest waiting family and what if they didn't want to make a decision, that this was the first time in a long time we've been shown or if we just wanted to it be our baby so badly, but I spent two and a half days sick to my stomach. No matter how hard a waiting family tries to distance themselves from a situation I think it's not 100% possible. You have those stray thoughts that go to places that you are better off not thinking about, but can't help it....what would it be like to travel in the next few days? what if we brought a baby home next week? what if I got to be the one not taking care of the food at Dad's on Christmas day because I was holding a baby? what if we really got to use some of those winter clothes we bought last February?
Those kinds of thoughts are so dangerous because it can break your heart so badly when you find out none of that is to be. The baby stuff bought last winter will stay hidden where Jay put them, we will still be at home this weekend and I'll be at work the rest of the week and I will still take everyone's food on Christmas Day with a smile and try not to think about what could've been. Maybe 2011 will finally be the year????
Our profile had not been shown since the end of July. You might remember that lovely weekend....within about 5 days we went from the potenital of 5 babies to 0 between the negative blood test and two different situations where we weren't chosen. Since then we found out we were the longest waiting family which means if a family didn't want to make a decision the agency would place the baby with us. But nothing has been going on, which was ok because we still had the November embryo thing to look forward to. But we all know how that turned out....
Since then, with the help of reading a lot of things by Joyce Meyer, I've been doing ok. I think we had all found a certain level of peace with how things were in our lives at this moment. Then Monday happened. There was a cold call situation. I developed one of the most nervous tummy feelings that I've ever had with a situation. Even Jay was nervous. I don't know that either one of us have ever felt this way about our profile being shown. Most of the time I really don't think about it much, with the exception of a few cases. Honestly, most of the time it's not that big of a deal when we aren't picked, but this one has been hard. I don't know if it was the timing of the year, the fact we are the longest waiting family and what if they didn't want to make a decision, that this was the first time in a long time we've been shown or if we just wanted to it be our baby so badly, but I spent two and a half days sick to my stomach. No matter how hard a waiting family tries to distance themselves from a situation I think it's not 100% possible. You have those stray thoughts that go to places that you are better off not thinking about, but can't help it....what would it be like to travel in the next few days? what if we brought a baby home next week? what if I got to be the one not taking care of the food at Dad's on Christmas day because I was holding a baby? what if we really got to use some of those winter clothes we bought last February?
Those kinds of thoughts are so dangerous because it can break your heart so badly when you find out none of that is to be. The baby stuff bought last winter will stay hidden where Jay put them, we will still be at home this weekend and I'll be at work the rest of the week and I will still take everyone's food on Christmas Day with a smile and try not to think about what could've been. Maybe 2011 will finally be the year????
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Not the Thanksgiving we had hoped for...
Not that we don't have plenty in our lives to be thankful for but this Thanksgiving just wasn't what we hoped it would be. I had my dreaded beta draw on Wednesday. Within an hour the clinic called my cell phone to tell me the results were negative. I can't even convey in the words the deep disappointment and sadness that we felt that day and for the next several days. I think Jay and I walked around feeling like we had been ran over by a truck. I tried to go Black Friday shopping but I didn't even enjoy that.
I think for both of us this seemed to take us back to the day in February when we found out we were not getting the baby. The next day we got the phone call about the appointment at the NEDC. We've always had something to look forward to, even in the disappointments with this journey. There always seemed to be some other situation that gave us something to look forward to, but this time we feel that we've ran out of options. Embryo adoption was our back-up plan. It was what got us through those awful February days. Now that option is gone. We aren't sure where we are and what we are going to do. We are both pretty confident that we are done with the embryo part. We are both tired of the treatments and the stress that comes along with it.
We are also so frustrated. Did we not understand correctly when we felt that we were being led to adoption? Are we not where we are supposed to be? I'm also so stinking angry. Last Christmas we went to Disneyland to spend some time together just the three of us. It was such a good trip. I came back feeling better about our situation as a family of three. I was really content and ok with waiting. Then February happened and then the embryo thing and it has been one constant adoption/baby something or another since then. Why couldn't we have just been left alone for awhile? Why everytime I get to a point where I feel some level of peace it starts all over again? It just makes me so mad!!!
While I was Black Friday shopping Jay cleaned out the closet in the spare room. It was such a hellish place for me. I dreaded having to open it for anything. It became the place where everything was stuck...all the baby stuff from February, all the paperwork from the NEDC, all the folders and old profiles and adoption crap we collected over the years. It's all gone now. I'm not sure what Jay did with it, but at least I can get in the closet now without praying that God would only let me see what it was I was looking for and not all of the other stuff stuck in there. We talked about giving it away, but we weren't ready for that. Did we want to run into someone using our stroller or wearing the clothes we had picked out for our baby? It sounds selfish, but we didn't think we were ready for that.
We are still on the waiting lists with both agencies, but that feels so far removed right now. Also, there are not possible situaitons with either agency right now. I really don't know where this leaves us now, except just waiting. I can handle the waiting, for whatever reason God has given us the long wait and that is fine. It's the constant disappointments that is wearing on me now.
I think for both of us this seemed to take us back to the day in February when we found out we were not getting the baby. The next day we got the phone call about the appointment at the NEDC. We've always had something to look forward to, even in the disappointments with this journey. There always seemed to be some other situation that gave us something to look forward to, but this time we feel that we've ran out of options. Embryo adoption was our back-up plan. It was what got us through those awful February days. Now that option is gone. We aren't sure where we are and what we are going to do. We are both pretty confident that we are done with the embryo part. We are both tired of the treatments and the stress that comes along with it.
We are also so frustrated. Did we not understand correctly when we felt that we were being led to adoption? Are we not where we are supposed to be? I'm also so stinking angry. Last Christmas we went to Disneyland to spend some time together just the three of us. It was such a good trip. I came back feeling better about our situation as a family of three. I was really content and ok with waiting. Then February happened and then the embryo thing and it has been one constant adoption/baby something or another since then. Why couldn't we have just been left alone for awhile? Why everytime I get to a point where I feel some level of peace it starts all over again? It just makes me so mad!!!
While I was Black Friday shopping Jay cleaned out the closet in the spare room. It was such a hellish place for me. I dreaded having to open it for anything. It became the place where everything was stuck...all the baby stuff from February, all the paperwork from the NEDC, all the folders and old profiles and adoption crap we collected over the years. It's all gone now. I'm not sure what Jay did with it, but at least I can get in the closet now without praying that God would only let me see what it was I was looking for and not all of the other stuff stuck in there. We talked about giving it away, but we weren't ready for that. Did we want to run into someone using our stroller or wearing the clothes we had picked out for our baby? It sounds selfish, but we didn't think we were ready for that.
We are still on the waiting lists with both agencies, but that feels so far removed right now. Also, there are not possible situaitons with either agency right now. I really don't know where this leaves us now, except just waiting. I can handle the waiting, for whatever reason God has given us the long wait and that is fine. It's the constant disappointments that is wearing on me now.
Monday, August 9, 2010
National Bikers Roundup
Thank you for the sweet comments about the fact I was not whining but just telling what's going on. Sometimes I feel bad talking about the frustrations with this because I know there are people in the world going through a whole lot worse things than this so I don't like to "complain" about adoption stuff. But this junk is so frustrating. Absolutely maddening at times. There are times I just want to scream and throw things because I get so frustrated. Then other times I'm fine with it and I just go on with our day to day life, but I never stop thinking about it. There hasn't been a day in the last 5 years that I haven't had some kind of infertility/adoption thought go through my head. Some thoughts have been positive, some are negative, but it's always there. It's a monkey on my back that has grown into the size of a large ape! I'm just ready to get him off of there!
Anyway, on to the National Bikers Roundup. We had The Icebox at this event last week. Jay worked so hard this summer getting things ready for this. Then last week he really worked his tail off going back and forth between Ozark Empire and Columbia – taking care of our cattle and the stand. I wish I could say the event was successful, but it didn't turn out like we had hoped. But on the plus side we did learn a lot. Some about the business and some on a more personal level. We know we will never travel with the stand that far again. We are going to keep it local so we never have to pay for hotel rooms again. That was our biggest killer. Also, if we had known that it really wasn't worth opening it until Friday night, that would've helped a lot. Again, it would've saved us on the rooms and the labor, but you live and learn. Owning a business is never easy and the first year is definitely all about learning. Don't worry, The Icebox will still be around for many summers to come!
The NBR is an event that travels all over the US. Last year it was in Atlanta…next year it will be either Vegas or Houston. Another thing working against us was that it was in Columbia. I don't think you can really compare Columbia, Mo to something held in Atlanta. We heard there were 200,000 people in Atlanta but only about 25,000 in Columbia. St. Louis actually won the vote last year, but there wasn't a place large enough to handle something this size. That's how it ended up in Columbia.
Even though there were only 25,000 – there seemed to be people everywhere. I can not imagine what Atlanta would've been like. I didn't take our camera so I tried taking pictures with my iPhone. It did not do it justice. There were people and bikes everywhere. It pretty much consisted of the observers lining this paved walkway at the fair grounds while the bikers rode their bikes up and down the walkway. The bikes were so loud and I think all of us had headaches by the end of the night. Also, they were definitely night owls. We finally closed down the stand at 3:30 am Sunday morning. We did not get to our hotel until 4am. I am way too old for that!!
We were also in the minority at this event. I think it was maybe 2% Caucasian and the other 98% was Black. One of the boys we took is Hispanic. Sunday morning he asked the other two boys how it felt being in the minority because he is usually the only one who's different. The way he said it was funny, but it is the truth. We live in such a small community and we never experience anything but being around other Caucasian's. Most of us have no idea what it is like to be "different". Jay and I had a taste of it when we went to CA, but nothing like what we just came from. I will say though I never felt weird or out of place, I actually had a pretty good time. The only time I was ever worried about anything was when I walked to the bathroom – and that was only because I didn't want to get hit by a bike. There were so many going different directions that it was really hard to cross the walkway. Some of the bikes were going pretty fast. I can't even begin to describe what that part was like. Of course I wondered why anyone would want drive to Columbia, Mo to sit in the heat and watch a bunch of bikes. Then I thought they would probably wonder why anyone would load up a bull and a heifer, drive them to Sedalia, Mo, sit in the heat, and watch people lead them around a show ring. Pretty much it's the same difference.
So all in all, it was a good experience for all of us. I know the boys that went with us probably heard and saw a lot over those few days. This thing was calmer than the Sturgis stories we've all heard, but it still wasn't your garden variety county fair either. Who knows, maybe someday some of them will own a bike and want to travel to this thing again. Jay and I know for sure though that The Icebox WILL NOT make an appearance in Vegas or Houston next year. We are sticking close to our own bed from now on!
Even though our two big events this summer – this rally and the embryo transfer – didn't turn out the way we wanted, it was still a good experience for us. Normally I am a "play it safe" type of person. I never want to get outside my comfort zone with anything. I think I've even been in a "comfort zone" with waiting for an adoption. This summer was definitely all about us taking chances and stepping outside our normal areas of comfort. No one can say the Shepherd's didn't try during the 2010 Summer!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
How We Are Doing…
Thought I'd give an update on how we have been doing the past week. I really try hard not to whine on the blog, but I think I will today. Mostly because I want to have a written record of what we went through on this (extremely) long journey. So if you don't want to read whining you can check back in a few days. I'm sure I'll have some good Biker Roundup stories to share.
Last Wednesday, going home from work, I got a message from Mary (the Light House case worker). There was a baby boy, already born, and the family wanted to look at profiles. He appeared to be healthy and there were no known health/drug concerns. The only "catch" with this one was that the baby didn't have insurance. The adoptive family would be responsible for his hospital cost. Since he was healthy and only stayed the normal two days that most newborns stay it didn't appear the cost would be too much. Basically though at this point most families who have waited anywhere near what we have would say yes if the caseworker told them the cost would be $1M over the normal placement fee. We had to let Mary know by 10:00 am Thursday morning, the day before the blood test.
We went back and forth some on what to do. Of course we wanted to be shown but what did we do about the fact I had three embryos transferred a week ago. Did we tell Mary and let her make the decision on if we could be shown – taking the risk that we could have a negative test and miss out on the opportunity to be shown? Did we not say anything and hope for the best? Did we not say anything and risk having the baby taken from us before finalization if I did become pregnant, etc. There were lots of things to consider.
I talked to Mary Thursday morning and she was ok with showing us, as long as we could handle two babies just 9 months apart. That was a little scary, but of course we agreed and knew we'd be fine.
After the negative test on Friday one thing that kept me going was this situation. We still had some hope that the weekend could turn out good. Monday morning though I got an e-mail saying another family had been chosen. We still had a little hope though because I knew there was still a mother with Bethany that hadn't made a decision. In fact I had received an e-mail from Aimee at Bethany saying that mother hadn't made a decision yet. When I first saw the subject line on the e-mail I thought "not today, I can't take another one!" I was so relieved that it wasn't us not being picked. The You weren't picked e-mail didn't come until 4:45pm Monday. I had already left work for the day so I didn't find out about that one until Tuesday morning. I'm glad that's the way it worked out because really, being rejected once a day is about all I can handle right now. By the time it happened Tuesday I was at the "this is just becoming ridiculous" place so I tolerated it pretty well. I think Jay was at that same place to so we were both "ok". Not that you're ever ok with disappointment, but there is a part of you that becomes use to it. You just pick up and move on and pray the next situation is yours.
We also made some decisions over the weekend. We have decided to wait until November for the next transfer. Things in our lives have been very crazy since the failed placement in February. Not that anyone's lives, including our own are stressfee – but we've been on a huge emotional roller coaster since then concerning the adoption. Or maybe I should say I've been on the emotional roller coaster because a lot of mine have been manipulated by the hormomes…But we had the failed placement, then the next day got the NEDC call, then we spent some time healing from the loss, about the time we were doing ok we got the phone call in April about the baby in St Louis that we just knew was going to be ours – instead he went to foster care, then I started the hormones, then we went to Knoxville and found out we could be in the July transfer (surely that was a sign, wasn't it??) then we picked out embryos and started the medical protocol, then we went from the potential of 5 babies to zero in a matter of days all while trying to open a business and work our other regular 40+ hour a week jobs. I think we need a break.
I should be able to remain unmedicated for about a month. I'm going to call the NEDC in a few days, but from my calculations I shouldn't have to start the BC Pills until the end of the month. I'm looking forward to a month of trying to flush that stuff out of my system, you know …just in time to put it back in for November. I think we or at least I need some time to just "be". Or at least "be" as much as the normal craziness of day to day life will allow a person.
It has probably also helped that this week has been extremely busy so it's taken our minds off of a lot of the disappointments. We've had our cattle in Springfield for the Ozark Empire Fair Monday-Wednesday and then Jay has been criss-crossing the state because The Icebox is at an event in Columbia. He's at the National Biker's Roundup getting an education right now. I won't lie though – sometimes I will be sitting at my desk and my heart will start to hurt if my mind wanders to the events of the last several months, but I'd say the majority of the time I'm ok. We will get through this.
So I just wanted to write this down because I hope someday I can read this and think "wow, when we were going through that our child was ____________ " …conceived, mother found out she was pregnant, family finally decided to donate the embryos, etc. Oh what a story we will have to tell someday!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Our Agnecy and Adoption...
I feel like I need to address this topic today. One of the first things we were told was that in adoption almost every family experiences one loss. Sometimes they won’t know they experienced the loss because it wouldn’t have gotten far enough for the family to know. Sometimes it’s the painful type like we experienced. Right now I can think of at least two other families who experienced an adoption loss. Our agency would also put us in contact with another family who experienced the same thing if we wanted. At this point I’m not too interested in that, but who knows on down the road. This is the nature of adoption – nothing is set in stone until the parental rights are terminated. That is different in every county and every state. In some states it’s a state law. In Missouri it depends on the different county laws.
The other thing about adoption is that sometimes the agencies don’t work with the expectant parents long enough to develop a good relationship. Cindy came to our agency less than a month away from her due date. That didn’t give the social workers enough time to really develop a relationship with her and allow her to trust them. That’s how we ended up with some faulty information that no one (including the agency) knew about until DCFS stepped in. This is no fault of our agency, we just happened to end up involved in a not so good situation.
On Wednesday Jay and I found out some of this information that we chose not tell anyone about. Another thing we’ve learned over the years is that not everyone needs to know everything. It’s important to keep some of this quiet until the child is old enough to hear it and then it will be their decision on what to share. When Jay and I found this out we didn’t know what to do. The news obviously wasn’t what we wanted to hear. Our agency gave us some information and another adoptive mother to contact that experienced the same thing. With this information Jay and I felt comfortable moving forward but we prayed together and asked God for direction. We told him we were comfortable with proceeding, but if it wasn’t the situation for us He needed to close the door. As hard as it’s been to deal with, we feel that God clearly answered that prayer. One blessing is that he closed the door for us, rather than us stepping back from the situation. How awful would’ve it been if we always wondered what might have been?
We don’t have any angry thoughts towards our agency. Jay and I truly feel that they did everything that they could for us. They also did their best at keeping us informed as much as they could, but again that’s the nature of adoption. Things aren’t always perfect. Part of the surprise for everyone else was that only Jay and I knew about DCFS so it wasn’t quite as much of a shock for us as everyone else. That was no fault of our agency. We have every intention of staying with them. We feel that God sent us to them for a reason and we don’t feel that it is time to leave them at this point. As much as we would like to hurry this process along, God doesn’t care about our timetable. Things will work in His time and in His way. As hard as that is to take sometimes, that’s the way it is.
I’m going to go ahead and mention this only because I think it shows God in the situation. I hesitate because I don’t want anyone to think that we are all drama all the time but we didn’t have anything to do with this. On Friday Jay and I went to Springfield to try to fill the day. I got a phone call from an unrecognized number. It was the lady from the NEDC calling about our embryo adoption. We had figured it would be late in the summer before we would hear from them. She was calling to let us know there had been a cancellation and wanted to know if we could be there May 6. I explained to her that we had just experienced an adoption loss. She kindly asked me about the circumstances so I told her. She said she just knew that it was God that directed her to call me that day. I do to. I think it was Him saying don’t give up, don’t quit. I have no idea if this is what we are supposed to do, maybe He wants us to hang on until our perfect adoption situation comes along? On Friday when I thought about the timing of the situation this verse came to mind…Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Now I wish I could say that I was perfect and I haven’t been angry about this situation and I’ve always remembered to God loves me and is faithful, but that would be lying. It comes and goes with me, but I’m at least trying to hold onto that phone call and that verse as God telling us not to give up. As much as I’d like to quit all of this, we aren’t. We think this is God telling us this door isn’t closed yet and we just have to hold on a little longer.
The other thing about adoption is that sometimes the agencies don’t work with the expectant parents long enough to develop a good relationship. Cindy came to our agency less than a month away from her due date. That didn’t give the social workers enough time to really develop a relationship with her and allow her to trust them. That’s how we ended up with some faulty information that no one (including the agency) knew about until DCFS stepped in. This is no fault of our agency, we just happened to end up involved in a not so good situation.
On Wednesday Jay and I found out some of this information that we chose not tell anyone about. Another thing we’ve learned over the years is that not everyone needs to know everything. It’s important to keep some of this quiet until the child is old enough to hear it and then it will be their decision on what to share. When Jay and I found this out we didn’t know what to do. The news obviously wasn’t what we wanted to hear. Our agency gave us some information and another adoptive mother to contact that experienced the same thing. With this information Jay and I felt comfortable moving forward but we prayed together and asked God for direction. We told him we were comfortable with proceeding, but if it wasn’t the situation for us He needed to close the door. As hard as it’s been to deal with, we feel that God clearly answered that prayer. One blessing is that he closed the door for us, rather than us stepping back from the situation. How awful would’ve it been if we always wondered what might have been?
We don’t have any angry thoughts towards our agency. Jay and I truly feel that they did everything that they could for us. They also did their best at keeping us informed as much as they could, but again that’s the nature of adoption. Things aren’t always perfect. Part of the surprise for everyone else was that only Jay and I knew about DCFS so it wasn’t quite as much of a shock for us as everyone else. That was no fault of our agency. We have every intention of staying with them. We feel that God sent us to them for a reason and we don’t feel that it is time to leave them at this point. As much as we would like to hurry this process along, God doesn’t care about our timetable. Things will work in His time and in His way. As hard as that is to take sometimes, that’s the way it is.
I’m going to go ahead and mention this only because I think it shows God in the situation. I hesitate because I don’t want anyone to think that we are all drama all the time but we didn’t have anything to do with this. On Friday Jay and I went to Springfield to try to fill the day. I got a phone call from an unrecognized number. It was the lady from the NEDC calling about our embryo adoption. We had figured it would be late in the summer before we would hear from them. She was calling to let us know there had been a cancellation and wanted to know if we could be there May 6. I explained to her that we had just experienced an adoption loss. She kindly asked me about the circumstances so I told her. She said she just knew that it was God that directed her to call me that day. I do to. I think it was Him saying don’t give up, don’t quit. I have no idea if this is what we are supposed to do, maybe He wants us to hang on until our perfect adoption situation comes along? On Friday when I thought about the timing of the situation this verse came to mind…Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Now I wish I could say that I was perfect and I haven’t been angry about this situation and I’ve always remembered to God loves me and is faithful, but that would be lying. It comes and goes with me, but I’m at least trying to hold onto that phone call and that verse as God telling us not to give up. As much as I’d like to quit all of this, we aren’t. We think this is God telling us this door isn’t closed yet and we just have to hold on a little longer.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I guess it’s time for me to address the “elephant in the room” on the blog. I’ve thought a lot over the past few days on how to address it…did I want to ignore it? If I did say something, what did I want to say, etc. I guess I’ll just jump in and try to give you an idea how we are doing…
Background – On February 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm I received the phone call at work saying we had been chosen for a baby that was due any day. Cindy, the expectant mother, had a doctors appt the next day. She was going to find out what day she would be scheduled for a c-section. That was the call we had been waiting for for 3 years. Finally it looked like we would get a baby. We made the decision to show our faith that God would see us through this time and we jumped head first into the preparations. We spent the next few days cleaning out the spare room, painting, shopping for new furniture for Cade, shopping for new baby stuff and setting up a nursery. On Monday the 15th we received a call that the baby had been born, it was a boy. On Tuesday the 3 of us loaded up and headed to a town in Illinois about 7 hours from home. We spent the next couple of days trying to keep ourselves occupied. As of Wednesday night at 6:00 pm everything looked great. Cindy would sign over her rights at 12:30 pm Thursday. We would go to the hospital and our new son would be discharged to us. By 11:00 am the next morning our lives had been devastated. Due to some information that Cindy was not honest about with the agency DCFS got involved in the situation. They took the baby. By 1:00 pm Thursday afternoon, instead of becoming a family of four the 3 of us were headed back to Missouri with an empty seat in the truck…and a whole lot of baby equipment in the back.
Cade – Cade is doing pretty well. He did have a breakdown about the time we hit Lebanon Thursday night. I had been on the phone with the Social Worker from Illinois and when I got off I could hear him crying. I asked him if he was sad about the baby or upset because Jay and I were so upset. He really started crying and said it was because of the baby and then he said “at least you still have me”. I’ll never forget hearing him say that. Those words broke my heart because I just didn’t know what was going on in his head all day. Luckily we already had a counseling appointment scheduled for him on the 22nd. We’re both going to go with him.
Us – Jay and I have our moments. Today (Sunday) was a really rough day for me. I’m hoping that once I get past the first few days it will become easier. Right now all I can think of is…one week ago I was painting, We were buying furniture, I was buying a stroller, I was so happy, etc. Now I’m sitting here with the biggest weight sitting right on my heart. I’ve also had a lot of anger today. I had been spending a lot of time praying over the last few weeks about our situation and I had finally come to a point of being ok with it…or at least as ok as a person can be about infertility. Now I’m starting all over. I’ll have to work myself through the stages of grief all over again. I’m not exactly looking forward to that part. I can’t help but wonder why we couldn’t have been left alone if this was what was going to happen. I was ok where I was now the whole cycle has to start over again. Jay is just trying to keep himself busy. At least this time of year he won’t have to try to hard to find things to do. I, on the other hand, wonder what the heck I’m going to do with myself. All of the Saturdays in March stretch out before me like eternity.
The Stuff – Dealing with the stuff is probably what I’m finding to be the cruelest part of this whole deal. Jay and I had wrestled with the stupid car seat base for a couple of hours Thursday morning. We probably hadn’t been done with it an hour before we got the call. I had finally broke down and washed all the new baby clothes Wednesday night. There isn’t a thing we can take back out of the whole bunch of stuff we bought. Now it is sitting in the closet in the nursery. I can’t give it away because that would mean that part is gone…but yet what are we supposed to do with it? Jay said we are keeping it because we’ll use it some day. At this point I don’t quite feel as optimistic as him. I’m also irritated that I’ll have to deal with the finances of paying for a bunch of stuff that we don’t need and can’t return…..not to mention the hotel bill, gas bill, eating bill, etc. At this point it feels like a bunch of wasted money to me. I’m not saying that because we are in any sort of financial trouble, it’s just the way I feel right now.
The Room – Jay and I don’t have a clue what to do with the room. I put all the decorations away this morning. At this point Cade wants to leave the crib up, we aren’t sure why. Maybe Dr. Sue can get that out of him at counseling tomorrow. We did buy a teddy bear on our way there Tuesday (which I ripped the tag off of Thursday morning) for Cade to give to the baby. I asked him what he wanted us to do with it – keep it out or put it away. He said he wanted to keep it in the crib. When we got home Thursday night he took the bear and put it in there. Also, Cade’s new furniture isn’t in yet. They promised us it would be in on Thursday but still his mattress is on the floor. So we’ll have another bill of something that we really don’t need now – new furniture. I’m also getting irritated because we can’t finish getting things back to somewhat normal without the furniture. I really hope it comes on Monday’s truck so we can get his room put back together.
Throughout all of this we had a lot of people praying for us and with us. We appreciate all of them. We were hesitant about who we were going to tell because if it didn’t work out we didn’t want to face a lot of explanations. Finally on Tuesday we broke down and initiated our church’s prayer chain. We decided we needed all the prayers we could get. Even though I hate that everyone knows and we’ll have to face comments once we go back to work/school tomorrow it probably worked out for the best. I’m not sure we would’ve made it through if we didn’t have all the prayers of our family and friends over the last 11 days. Thank you guys for everything.
Background – On February 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm I received the phone call at work saying we had been chosen for a baby that was due any day. Cindy, the expectant mother, had a doctors appt the next day. She was going to find out what day she would be scheduled for a c-section. That was the call we had been waiting for for 3 years. Finally it looked like we would get a baby. We made the decision to show our faith that God would see us through this time and we jumped head first into the preparations. We spent the next few days cleaning out the spare room, painting, shopping for new furniture for Cade, shopping for new baby stuff and setting up a nursery. On Monday the 15th we received a call that the baby had been born, it was a boy. On Tuesday the 3 of us loaded up and headed to a town in Illinois about 7 hours from home. We spent the next couple of days trying to keep ourselves occupied. As of Wednesday night at 6:00 pm everything looked great. Cindy would sign over her rights at 12:30 pm Thursday. We would go to the hospital and our new son would be discharged to us. By 11:00 am the next morning our lives had been devastated. Due to some information that Cindy was not honest about with the agency DCFS got involved in the situation. They took the baby. By 1:00 pm Thursday afternoon, instead of becoming a family of four the 3 of us were headed back to Missouri with an empty seat in the truck…and a whole lot of baby equipment in the back.
Cade – Cade is doing pretty well. He did have a breakdown about the time we hit Lebanon Thursday night. I had been on the phone with the Social Worker from Illinois and when I got off I could hear him crying. I asked him if he was sad about the baby or upset because Jay and I were so upset. He really started crying and said it was because of the baby and then he said “at least you still have me”. I’ll never forget hearing him say that. Those words broke my heart because I just didn’t know what was going on in his head all day. Luckily we already had a counseling appointment scheduled for him on the 22nd. We’re both going to go with him.
Us – Jay and I have our moments. Today (Sunday) was a really rough day for me. I’m hoping that once I get past the first few days it will become easier. Right now all I can think of is…one week ago I was painting, We were buying furniture, I was buying a stroller, I was so happy, etc. Now I’m sitting here with the biggest weight sitting right on my heart. I’ve also had a lot of anger today. I had been spending a lot of time praying over the last few weeks about our situation and I had finally come to a point of being ok with it…or at least as ok as a person can be about infertility. Now I’m starting all over. I’ll have to work myself through the stages of grief all over again. I’m not exactly looking forward to that part. I can’t help but wonder why we couldn’t have been left alone if this was what was going to happen. I was ok where I was now the whole cycle has to start over again. Jay is just trying to keep himself busy. At least this time of year he won’t have to try to hard to find things to do. I, on the other hand, wonder what the heck I’m going to do with myself. All of the Saturdays in March stretch out before me like eternity.
The Stuff – Dealing with the stuff is probably what I’m finding to be the cruelest part of this whole deal. Jay and I had wrestled with the stupid car seat base for a couple of hours Thursday morning. We probably hadn’t been done with it an hour before we got the call. I had finally broke down and washed all the new baby clothes Wednesday night. There isn’t a thing we can take back out of the whole bunch of stuff we bought. Now it is sitting in the closet in the nursery. I can’t give it away because that would mean that part is gone…but yet what are we supposed to do with it? Jay said we are keeping it because we’ll use it some day. At this point I don’t quite feel as optimistic as him. I’m also irritated that I’ll have to deal with the finances of paying for a bunch of stuff that we don’t need and can’t return…..not to mention the hotel bill, gas bill, eating bill, etc. At this point it feels like a bunch of wasted money to me. I’m not saying that because we are in any sort of financial trouble, it’s just the way I feel right now.
The Room – Jay and I don’t have a clue what to do with the room. I put all the decorations away this morning. At this point Cade wants to leave the crib up, we aren’t sure why. Maybe Dr. Sue can get that out of him at counseling tomorrow. We did buy a teddy bear on our way there Tuesday (which I ripped the tag off of Thursday morning) for Cade to give to the baby. I asked him what he wanted us to do with it – keep it out or put it away. He said he wanted to keep it in the crib. When we got home Thursday night he took the bear and put it in there. Also, Cade’s new furniture isn’t in yet. They promised us it would be in on Thursday but still his mattress is on the floor. So we’ll have another bill of something that we really don’t need now – new furniture. I’m also getting irritated because we can’t finish getting things back to somewhat normal without the furniture. I really hope it comes on Monday’s truck so we can get his room put back together.
Throughout all of this we had a lot of people praying for us and with us. We appreciate all of them. We were hesitant about who we were going to tell because if it didn’t work out we didn’t want to face a lot of explanations. Finally on Tuesday we broke down and initiated our church’s prayer chain. We decided we needed all the prayers we could get. Even though I hate that everyone knows and we’ll have to face comments once we go back to work/school tomorrow it probably worked out for the best. I’m not sure we would’ve made it through if we didn’t have all the prayers of our family and friends over the last 11 days. Thank you guys for everything.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Adoption Update
Today is a slow day at the office. Probably the slowest I've had since the middle of September. I seriously have everything done that I need to do…except for some pesky life insurance phone calls, but those can wait until tomorrow…or sometime next week…or as long as I can put it off. Leslie will hate me when she reads this, but since she's working 70 hours a week she probably won't see it until sometime later in the spring.
I decided to take this time and create a post to announce the new direction we are going to try with our adoption. For about the last year the topic of embryo adoption has kept coming up. At one time last spring our social worker even called us to see if that was something we would be interested in. It was, but every time we thought about doing something different the agency would get a rush of potential situations so we'd decide to wait before turning in our application (and paying the application $$$), if we didn't need to. Finally last summer, right before we went on vacation, we decided to send in the application. In turn, they sent us a bunch of paperwork back that needed to be filled out.
That was what made our doctors appointments last fall so hectic. I think I posted about that while we were going through everything. We had double the work in terms of medical tests and paperwork to be signed off on. Also, while I was updating our domestic adoption profile, I was also trying to create our profile for the embryo adoption. There was a lot of stress going on, but we weren't ready to announce yet that we were going to try the concurrent embryo adoption. We've just had so many ups and downs with this whole process I didn't feel like announcing something and then have to take it back.
We still aren't out of the woods yet in knowing if we will for sure be able to do this. Our homestudy has been approved, but we are on another waiting list. When I talked to the patient coordinator the first part of December she said that we were on the list then proceeded to shuffle papers and count each couple that was in line ahead of us in my ear. She seriously counted 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 out loud. There are 18 couples ahead of us waiting to have their initial appointment. I think that is the story of our lives with this adoption – hurry up and wait! I'm guessing that's going to put our initial appointment sometime this summer? I'm hoping by August we'll be headed to Knoxville, TN to meet with the doctor….which would put a transfer actually happening towards the end of the year.
At this initial appointment they will check us over and determine if I'm even a candidate for embryo adoption. Since we don't know the cause of our infertility I have no idea if this will even be an option for us.
We are excited about this prospect, but my hands also get sweaty thinking about it. I really want to do this, but I'm also scared. We've had so many disappointments over the last 5 years that I'm nervous about trying anything else. I'm nervous about the anxiety I'll have during the two week wait to see if the embryo(s) stuck. I'm terrified of bawling at my desk every day because I'm so stressed out wondering if it's going to work or not. I'm also nervous about all the medication I'll have to take. It all sounds so complicated. I'm really really nervous about the progesterone shots, which Jay will have to give to me. The thought of Jay coming towards my rear end with a needle is frightening. We get to try this 3 times. How will I feel if they don't take? These are all emotions that are running through my mind off and on.
I guess I'm making the announcement so that 1. I'll have something else to talk about on the blog except – oh we weren't picked again and 2. Some extra prayers for us while we go through this process would be great.
Right after our homestudy was approved we got our Bethany quarterly magazine and there was an article about embryo adoption. Their story sounds so much like ours – they were waiting for something every time they turned around. Like us they waited over 2 years on the domestic adoption list before they decided to try the concurrent embryo adoption. Then their first transfer didn't take. Then their second transfer resulted in a miscarriage. Finally their third transfer worked and they were pregnant with twins. But their waiting wasn't over. The pregnancy was very hard and she ended up on bed rest. Finally, the babies were born healthy and this couple has a wonderful relationship with their children's genetic parents. The article was called Worth the Wait. I try to keep focused on that thought – that someday we will finally be at peace with our wait and know that whatever happens will be worth everything that we went through.
If you are interested in reading more about embryo adoption or the clinic where we will be going – the link is here.
I know this is a topic that some of you may have never heard of. If you have any questions feel free to leave a comment or just ask one of us. We are excited to think about giving life to these frozen embryos....or "Snowflakes" as they've been nicknamed.
I decided to take this time and create a post to announce the new direction we are going to try with our adoption. For about the last year the topic of embryo adoption has kept coming up. At one time last spring our social worker even called us to see if that was something we would be interested in. It was, but every time we thought about doing something different the agency would get a rush of potential situations so we'd decide to wait before turning in our application (and paying the application $$$), if we didn't need to. Finally last summer, right before we went on vacation, we decided to send in the application. In turn, they sent us a bunch of paperwork back that needed to be filled out.
That was what made our doctors appointments last fall so hectic. I think I posted about that while we were going through everything. We had double the work in terms of medical tests and paperwork to be signed off on. Also, while I was updating our domestic adoption profile, I was also trying to create our profile for the embryo adoption. There was a lot of stress going on, but we weren't ready to announce yet that we were going to try the concurrent embryo adoption. We've just had so many ups and downs with this whole process I didn't feel like announcing something and then have to take it back.
We still aren't out of the woods yet in knowing if we will for sure be able to do this. Our homestudy has been approved, but we are on another waiting list. When I talked to the patient coordinator the first part of December she said that we were on the list then proceeded to shuffle papers and count each couple that was in line ahead of us in my ear. She seriously counted 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 out loud. There are 18 couples ahead of us waiting to have their initial appointment. I think that is the story of our lives with this adoption – hurry up and wait! I'm guessing that's going to put our initial appointment sometime this summer? I'm hoping by August we'll be headed to Knoxville, TN to meet with the doctor….which would put a transfer actually happening towards the end of the year.
At this initial appointment they will check us over and determine if I'm even a candidate for embryo adoption. Since we don't know the cause of our infertility I have no idea if this will even be an option for us.
We are excited about this prospect, but my hands also get sweaty thinking about it. I really want to do this, but I'm also scared. We've had so many disappointments over the last 5 years that I'm nervous about trying anything else. I'm nervous about the anxiety I'll have during the two week wait to see if the embryo(s) stuck. I'm terrified of bawling at my desk every day because I'm so stressed out wondering if it's going to work or not. I'm also nervous about all the medication I'll have to take. It all sounds so complicated. I'm really really nervous about the progesterone shots, which Jay will have to give to me. The thought of Jay coming towards my rear end with a needle is frightening. We get to try this 3 times. How will I feel if they don't take? These are all emotions that are running through my mind off and on.
I guess I'm making the announcement so that 1. I'll have something else to talk about on the blog except – oh we weren't picked again and 2. Some extra prayers for us while we go through this process would be great.
Right after our homestudy was approved we got our Bethany quarterly magazine and there was an article about embryo adoption. Their story sounds so much like ours – they were waiting for something every time they turned around. Like us they waited over 2 years on the domestic adoption list before they decided to try the concurrent embryo adoption. Then their first transfer didn't take. Then their second transfer resulted in a miscarriage. Finally their third transfer worked and they were pregnant with twins. But their waiting wasn't over. The pregnancy was very hard and she ended up on bed rest. Finally, the babies were born healthy and this couple has a wonderful relationship with their children's genetic parents. The article was called Worth the Wait. I try to keep focused on that thought – that someday we will finally be at peace with our wait and know that whatever happens will be worth everything that we went through.
If you are interested in reading more about embryo adoption or the clinic where we will be going – the link is here.
I know this is a topic that some of you may have never heard of. If you have any questions feel free to leave a comment or just ask one of us. We are excited to think about giving life to these frozen embryos....or "Snowflakes" as they've been nicknamed.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Right now I can't even think of a good title for this post. It's probably going to be a mixture of whining and expressing our frustration. I don't know it it's this time of year getting to us or the realization that we contacted our agency 3 years ago the end of this month or the fact that in 6 months we will celebrate our 5 year infertility anniversary. Five years…can you believe that?
Adding to this is the fact that every time I turn around I'm getting hit with baby something or other. I think things started bothering me about a week ago when I looked at a blog that I read on occasion. They, like us, were going through infertility and had several failed treatments. They were told their chances of conceiving on their own was very slim. You probably know where I'm going with this….yup they managed to get pregnant without assistance. Then to really add to it, they've dealt with 2 years of infertility and they still haven't been married as long as we've been trying. That was somewhat of a defining realization for me. This is really taking much longer than I ever anticipated.
Then again last week I looked at a blog that I hadn't looked at since this summer. Their situation was very similar to ours. Their daughter is Cade's age, they had been waiting since February 2007 and they were placed with a baby in August. I'm very happy for these families because I know the pain that they have been through to get to this point. I'm just ready for it to be us for a change.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Another Thing Off the List
After a long delay of people sitting on papers, messed up bloodwork and pictures on a CD that refused to open....Our new letter and pictures have finally appeared on Bethany's website.
I really hope we won't have to update it again.
I really hope we won't have to update it again.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Adoption update
It's been awhile since the last update on this subject. Since I'm at the Cassville office today without a computer I'll try to do it on my phone. I'll apologize up front for the typos. Typing with two fingers is not easy.
Things are pretty much the way they've been since the beginning of this ride almost three years ago. I've started to think adoption is very similar to what I've heard about the military - Hurry up and wait. It seems like we get in a rush to get things done and then someone somewhere ends up sitting on the paperwork. We finally ( just in the last week) got everything back to finish the homestudy. We also got back our profile that the socialworker looked at for us. I've got it corrected, copied and in the mail to Bethany. We should finally be getting the letter and pictures updated on the site anytime now...
We've had our profile looked at several times over the last few months. Obviously we haven't been picked. I had a lady that I work with proofread the profile. Afterwards she said she didn't understand why we hadn't been picked yet. I told her that was what I kept thing too!! The new profile is a little brighter and the pictures are bigger. I'm hoping that will make it stand out more?
I do check the website often to see what families had been chosen. I kept thinking something was different but couldn't figure it out. Finally last week it hit me. The older couple is gone. Since I never saw them with either a placement or placement pending across their face I'm thinking they didn't continue their contract with Bethany. This really made me sad. I feel for that couple because you invest so much into this - money, time, emotions - that it would be horrible to quit. But on the other hand I can understand their need to let this go because it is so emotionally draining. It also bothers me for a selfish reason. Will we get to that point? How long do you keep doing this? How many homestudy updates do you do? I know that's a personal decision that's different for everyone. How close are we to that point? I'm not sure Jay and I have an answer for that. Right now we are approved for another year. We've got some time to evaluate where we are and how willing we are to continue this. I say this every year, but surely next year is the year.!?
On another note - I've mentioned Skyler on the blog before. He's the 7 year old with a brain tumor. I used to work with his dad, Ryan. Please check out his site www.skylersanders.com. He and his family could use all the prayers they can get right now. They are such a special family and it's hard to see them go through what they are right now. Thanks
Things are pretty much the way they've been since the beginning of this ride almost three years ago. I've started to think adoption is very similar to what I've heard about the military - Hurry up and wait. It seems like we get in a rush to get things done and then someone somewhere ends up sitting on the paperwork. We finally ( just in the last week) got everything back to finish the homestudy. We also got back our profile that the socialworker looked at for us. I've got it corrected, copied and in the mail to Bethany. We should finally be getting the letter and pictures updated on the site anytime now...
We've had our profile looked at several times over the last few months. Obviously we haven't been picked. I had a lady that I work with proofread the profile. Afterwards she said she didn't understand why we hadn't been picked yet. I told her that was what I kept thing too!! The new profile is a little brighter and the pictures are bigger. I'm hoping that will make it stand out more?
I do check the website often to see what families had been chosen. I kept thinking something was different but couldn't figure it out. Finally last week it hit me. The older couple is gone. Since I never saw them with either a placement or placement pending across their face I'm thinking they didn't continue their contract with Bethany. This really made me sad. I feel for that couple because you invest so much into this - money, time, emotions - that it would be horrible to quit. But on the other hand I can understand their need to let this go because it is so emotionally draining. It also bothers me for a selfish reason. Will we get to that point? How long do you keep doing this? How many homestudy updates do you do? I know that's a personal decision that's different for everyone. How close are we to that point? I'm not sure Jay and I have an answer for that. Right now we are approved for another year. We've got some time to evaluate where we are and how willing we are to continue this. I say this every year, but surely next year is the year.!?
On another note - I've mentioned Skyler on the blog before. He's the 7 year old with a brain tumor. I used to work with his dad, Ryan. Please check out his site www.skylersanders.com. He and his family could use all the prayers they can get right now. They are such a special family and it's hard to see them go through what they are right now. Thanks
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Grumpy
On Tuesday I had some time alone at work so I started getting information together for our homestudy update. I had a stack of papers of all this different kinds of information that they need this year. Not only do we have to update the medical exams, beacuse they're only good for 2 years, they changed some of their other requirements. Now instead of taking our word on our assets we have to verify everything. I understand the changes, I understand why they have to do it...but it still makes me grumpy. Like Jay's retirement...I haven't seen a statement on that thing in months. I'm not sure if it's something we get yearly or exactly what the schedule is, but now we have to track one down. Luckily I had just received a statement for my retirement account so that's at least one thing we can mark of the list. Basically this all boils down to being a time consuming pain in the neck and it's making me grumpy!!!!
Today Jay and I are taking off of work to get some of this stuff done. Here's our schedule for the day...
8:40 Jay dentist appt (non adoption appt)
9:00 Crystal dr appt
10:10 Cade dentist appt (non adoption appt)
11:50 Jay dr appt
After Jay's appt we'll have to go get blood work done, one of those being an HIV test that we have to have ran again, even though we had one done two years ago. Then we have to head from Carthage to Joplin to take care of the rest of the stuff...
2:35 Crystal fingerprint appt
2:40 Jay fingerprint appt
While in Joplin and in between all this other stuff we have to go to my Ob/Gyn office to request that some of my medical paperwork be sent to the agency. We also have to track down the Social Security office because a new requirement this year means we have to send in copies of our Social Security Cards. Of course I can't locate mine so I have to request a new copy. That will probably also require some sort of blood typing or DNA test! Oh, and we also had to get TB tests done earlier in the week so we could take the results with us to our doctor. We also still have to schedule an appt with Cade's doctor so he can fill out Cade's paperwork.
So today, as I sit here typing this, It's making me grumpy. It's also one of those things in life that isn't fair (just like a lot of other things that are a whole lot worse than our paperchase), but any moron can go out a get pregnant...except for us. Anyone else who doesn't have any business having a baby can while we have to fork over so much money, time and effort into something that right now seems like it will never even happen. Jay and I are pretty down right now. We are so frustrated and fatigued by all of this. We really hoped something would happen before we had to do this update and mess with all of this stuff...but it didn't. This is turning out to be so much longer than we had anticipated it being. When we first went through all of this two years ago I never dreamed we'd have to update the medical stuff since it was good for 2 years...I also never dreamed we'd be getting ready for our social worker to visit us for the 3rd time.
But I did learn one thing while sorting through this paperwork. I dug out our marriage certificate to take with me to the Social Security office. Even though we've had it for almost 10 years, I finally really looked at it this weekend. Ed, the minister who married us, filled in our marriage date as December 14, 1999 rather than December 18, 1999. I'm not sure if the part he mailed in to the state has our date correct or not. I guess that means I should tell Jay I need two anniversary presents this year...one on the 14th and one on the 18th????
Today Jay and I are taking off of work to get some of this stuff done. Here's our schedule for the day...
8:40 Jay dentist appt (non adoption appt)
9:00 Crystal dr appt
10:10 Cade dentist appt (non adoption appt)
11:50 Jay dr appt
After Jay's appt we'll have to go get blood work done, one of those being an HIV test that we have to have ran again, even though we had one done two years ago. Then we have to head from Carthage to Joplin to take care of the rest of the stuff...
2:35 Crystal fingerprint appt
2:40 Jay fingerprint appt
While in Joplin and in between all this other stuff we have to go to my Ob/Gyn office to request that some of my medical paperwork be sent to the agency. We also have to track down the Social Security office because a new requirement this year means we have to send in copies of our Social Security Cards. Of course I can't locate mine so I have to request a new copy. That will probably also require some sort of blood typing or DNA test! Oh, and we also had to get TB tests done earlier in the week so we could take the results with us to our doctor. We also still have to schedule an appt with Cade's doctor so he can fill out Cade's paperwork.
So today, as I sit here typing this, It's making me grumpy. It's also one of those things in life that isn't fair (just like a lot of other things that are a whole lot worse than our paperchase), but any moron can go out a get pregnant...except for us. Anyone else who doesn't have any business having a baby can while we have to fork over so much money, time and effort into something that right now seems like it will never even happen. Jay and I are pretty down right now. We are so frustrated and fatigued by all of this. We really hoped something would happen before we had to do this update and mess with all of this stuff...but it didn't. This is turning out to be so much longer than we had anticipated it being. When we first went through all of this two years ago I never dreamed we'd have to update the medical stuff since it was good for 2 years...I also never dreamed we'd be getting ready for our social worker to visit us for the 3rd time.
But I did learn one thing while sorting through this paperwork. I dug out our marriage certificate to take with me to the Social Security office. Even though we've had it for almost 10 years, I finally really looked at it this weekend. Ed, the minister who married us, filled in our marriage date as December 14, 1999 rather than December 18, 1999. I'm not sure if the part he mailed in to the state has our date correct or not. I guess that means I should tell Jay I need two anniversary presents this year...one on the 14th and one on the 18th????
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Another No
As most of you already know, we heard back about the situation and it was a no. It wasn't our baby. It was a hard rejection to take for both of us. Even Jay, who has normally been very optimistic about everything, is starting to get disappointed. We are trying to keep the faith, but each time something like this happens it gets a little harder to bounce back...a little harder to try and look forward to the next opportunity...a little harder to beleive that there will ever be an end to the cycle we've experienced for so many years.
I know we've had a lot of e-mails and things from friends about how they had prayed for us and we really appreciate it. I won't lie, this is probably the lowest point I've ever been at in maybe my whole life??? I don't know if Jay is at that point or not, but I know that he is also very discouraged. Not only do we have to deal with each disappointment it seems like everywhere we turn we're getting hit with pregnancy announcements, babies and crappy $3 high chairs. That only seems to add insult to injury.
I guess what I'm saying is that we appreaciate your kind words, but also understand that it will take Jay and I some time to work through all of this. We know what we are supposed to feel towards others and to God and we will get there....it just may take us a few days to get past how much we physically hurt to look to what's ahead for us.
I know we've had a lot of e-mails and things from friends about how they had prayed for us and we really appreciate it. I won't lie, this is probably the lowest point I've ever been at in maybe my whole life??? I don't know if Jay is at that point or not, but I know that he is also very discouraged. Not only do we have to deal with each disappointment it seems like everywhere we turn we're getting hit with pregnancy announcements, babies and crappy $3 high chairs. That only seems to add insult to injury.
I guess what I'm saying is that we appreaciate your kind words, but also understand that it will take Jay and I some time to work through all of this. We know what we are supposed to feel towards others and to God and we will get there....it just may take us a few days to get past how much we physically hurt to look to what's ahead for us.
Monday, June 1, 2009
It was somewhat of a long, hard weekend in terms of where we stood with our adoption and our fertility (or lack thereof). I went back and forth all day Saturday and Sunday thinking that if we hadn’t heard anything then it probably meant we hadn’t been picked to being positive and thinking we still had a chance. The phrase “faith the size of a mustard seed” kept rolling through my head all weekend. Do I even have faith that big? No, most of the time I don’t.
After 4 years of countless disappointments there’s a balance we try to maintain of being cautiously optimistic about our situations. We don’t want to invest too much emotionally into each one, even though it’s almost impossible to keep from. I was already picturing the baby’s first Sunday at church. If it’s next Sunday that’s already going to be a big day (more on that later in the week) how much better could it get? Normally I don’t say much to Jay about my little daydreams because there’s no point in it…just like we don’t usually discuss baby names, nursery themes, etc because it’s so painful. Last night I finally confessed what I had been thinking to Jay….he had the exact same thought. It is impossible to keep from getting attached to every situation which is why we feel so physically and emotionally drained when they don’t work out.
Last night I completely reached my limit, but at least it gave me something to laugh about today after I thought about it….Our church is famous for people bringing in their junk from home they don’t want anymore and “giving” it to the church. Oh, thank you for that ripped up 20 year old carpet. Even though you didn’t want it in your home anymore it will look perfect in my Sunday School classroom.
So I went to the 5th Sunday Sing that our church was hosting. The only reason why I went was because all of the area churches were coming to our church and I needed to help in the kitchen. Jay and Cade didn’t go because honestly, there was no reason for all of us to be miserable. I took one for the team. Really, I sound terrible, but if you sat through one (or have been through one) you totally understand where I’m coming from. I prayed before I went last night that something would really speak to me and make the night worthwhile.
I walked into the basement with my basket of goodies and the first thing I saw was a stupid high chair. We only have one two year old at the church who probably won’t even use it. On closer inspection I noticed the thing was not in the best shape. It took every bit of self-control I had to not kick the thing across the room. Later on I heard the story – a lady had bought it for $3 and brought it to the church. I’m not sure that I’d trust a baby doll in this high chair let alone a baby. So during the whole Sunday Sing all I could do was imagine all of the different things I’d like to do to the high chair – one vision was me using a hammer on it another was of using a chain saw right down the middle. I also pictured me taking it apart piece by piece and leaving it in a heap in the middle of the room. Seriously….can we not get a break from being reminded of it for a few hours? Also, knowing that it was someone’s not in the best shape castoff so we’ll donate it to the church high chair it really irritated me. Then as we were cleaning up last night a lot of the women gathered around it and ooh and ahhhd over it and then (in front of me) said that the 2 year old could use it but then after that we wouldn’t have any more babies to put in it. Again I thought SERIOUSLY can we not get a break?????
So today I’ve laughed about it…..I let a high chair raise my blood pressure 50 points. How ridiculous. But, anyway the point of this post is that the family looked at profiles today at 2. We don’t know when we’ll know anything but we will keep everyone posted. Wouldn’t it be a great story if the crappy high chair ends of being the encouragement instead of just another irritation?
After 4 years of countless disappointments there’s a balance we try to maintain of being cautiously optimistic about our situations. We don’t want to invest too much emotionally into each one, even though it’s almost impossible to keep from. I was already picturing the baby’s first Sunday at church. If it’s next Sunday that’s already going to be a big day (more on that later in the week) how much better could it get? Normally I don’t say much to Jay about my little daydreams because there’s no point in it…just like we don’t usually discuss baby names, nursery themes, etc because it’s so painful. Last night I finally confessed what I had been thinking to Jay….he had the exact same thought. It is impossible to keep from getting attached to every situation which is why we feel so physically and emotionally drained when they don’t work out.
Last night I completely reached my limit, but at least it gave me something to laugh about today after I thought about it….Our church is famous for people bringing in their junk from home they don’t want anymore and “giving” it to the church. Oh, thank you for that ripped up 20 year old carpet. Even though you didn’t want it in your home anymore it will look perfect in my Sunday School classroom.
So I went to the 5th Sunday Sing that our church was hosting. The only reason why I went was because all of the area churches were coming to our church and I needed to help in the kitchen. Jay and Cade didn’t go because honestly, there was no reason for all of us to be miserable. I took one for the team. Really, I sound terrible, but if you sat through one (or have been through one) you totally understand where I’m coming from. I prayed before I went last night that something would really speak to me and make the night worthwhile.
I walked into the basement with my basket of goodies and the first thing I saw was a stupid high chair. We only have one two year old at the church who probably won’t even use it. On closer inspection I noticed the thing was not in the best shape. It took every bit of self-control I had to not kick the thing across the room. Later on I heard the story – a lady had bought it for $3 and brought it to the church. I’m not sure that I’d trust a baby doll in this high chair let alone a baby. So during the whole Sunday Sing all I could do was imagine all of the different things I’d like to do to the high chair – one vision was me using a hammer on it another was of using a chain saw right down the middle. I also pictured me taking it apart piece by piece and leaving it in a heap in the middle of the room. Seriously….can we not get a break from being reminded of it for a few hours? Also, knowing that it was someone’s not in the best shape castoff so we’ll donate it to the church high chair it really irritated me. Then as we were cleaning up last night a lot of the women gathered around it and ooh and ahhhd over it and then (in front of me) said that the 2 year old could use it but then after that we wouldn’t have any more babies to put in it. Again I thought SERIOUSLY can we not get a break?????
So today I’ve laughed about it…..I let a high chair raise my blood pressure 50 points. How ridiculous. But, anyway the point of this post is that the family looked at profiles today at 2. We don’t know when we’ll know anything but we will keep everyone posted. Wouldn’t it be a great story if the crappy high chair ends of being the encouragement instead of just another irritation?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Please Pray
I just got a phone call from our caseworker. I almost passed out because I picked up the phone and she started talking about a baby. I thought for a few seconds this was the call, but it wasn't quite it...at least not yet. There is a baby already born that she was wondering if we wanted our profile shown. As of when we talked there were 5 other familes being shown. Please, please say a prayer for the baby's mother as she looks at the profiles and for our nerves as we wait. I have no idea when she will let us know, but she'll let us know either way. And, most importantly, for God's will to be done in this situation and for us to accept it whatever it may be.
I'm quite a bundle of nerves right now, I've never had anyone from the agency call for a situation. They've only returned my calls when I've had questions. I know that it's really no different than when we get an e-mail about one, but it feels differently.....especially because I've prayed several times this week for someone from the agency to contact us about a baby IF that was God's will.
I'm quite a bundle of nerves right now, I've never had anyone from the agency call for a situation. They've only returned my calls when I've had questions. I know that it's really no different than when we get an e-mail about one, but it feels differently.....especially because I've prayed several times this week for someone from the agency to contact us about a baby IF that was God's will.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
More Whining...
I’m back to wallowing in infertility/adoption self-pity again today. I checked the website today to see what families had “Placement” or “Placement Pending” plastered on their pictures. Checking the website for me is like watching a scene in a horror movie. You don’t want to do it, you want to close your eyes but there is something that draws you to it. You want to know what’s going to happen even though it is going to disturb you for a very long time to come. I guess it’s self-punishment or satan whispering in my head to look so that I’ll feel even worse about myself than I already do….well it worked today.
There were a potential for 4 placements last month. I saw the 4 families today that have “Placement Pending” slapped on their face. All of them have been with the agency less than us. Three of them are way less than us…..one of them was really less than us as in their picture showed up two weeks ago and already they have a placement pending. Another one of them was really salt in the wound – they were approved after us, got placed right after they were approved, came back after the first of the year for a 2nd adoption and already have been picked again.
The fact that I’m also working with someone who is pregnant is not helping my frame of mind right now and work is really, really slow so there isn’t much to take my mind off of it….so I sit here for 8 hours a day and let all of these bad feeling fester. I think I have a condition that’s called Adoption Bi-Polar. I don’t know that it’s a true disease but it seems to fit what I have. One day I’m fine with how things are going, I’m fine with only having one child, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Then the next day I’m not fine, I’m angry and sad and disappointed and rejected. Then I try to figure out if I really was fine the day before or if I was trying to convince myself that I was or exactly what in the heck is going on with me.
It is such a hard thing to mentally work through. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an answer. I think a big part of my problem right now is that I have such a fear that we will never adopt, that we will never have another child. There is this part of me that wants to quit everything because I don’t want to keep putting myself through this if it’s never meant to be. I know that all of this will be worth it when it finally happens, but what if it doesn’t? It’s hard to stay upbeat about it because I’m so afraid we are never going to get a call from the agency. I know God has His way of doing things, but I feel like we’ve gone through all of these hoops and have now hit a brick wall. It has been a long, long time since I really felt encouraged about this, like I knew that this was what we were supposed to be doing.
There were a potential for 4 placements last month. I saw the 4 families today that have “Placement Pending” slapped on their face. All of them have been with the agency less than us. Three of them are way less than us…..one of them was really less than us as in their picture showed up two weeks ago and already they have a placement pending. Another one of them was really salt in the wound – they were approved after us, got placed right after they were approved, came back after the first of the year for a 2nd adoption and already have been picked again.
The fact that I’m also working with someone who is pregnant is not helping my frame of mind right now and work is really, really slow so there isn’t much to take my mind off of it….so I sit here for 8 hours a day and let all of these bad feeling fester. I think I have a condition that’s called Adoption Bi-Polar. I don’t know that it’s a true disease but it seems to fit what I have. One day I’m fine with how things are going, I’m fine with only having one child, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Then the next day I’m not fine, I’m angry and sad and disappointed and rejected. Then I try to figure out if I really was fine the day before or if I was trying to convince myself that I was or exactly what in the heck is going on with me.
It is such a hard thing to mentally work through. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an answer. I think a big part of my problem right now is that I have such a fear that we will never adopt, that we will never have another child. There is this part of me that wants to quit everything because I don’t want to keep putting myself through this if it’s never meant to be. I know that all of this will be worth it when it finally happens, but what if it doesn’t? It’s hard to stay upbeat about it because I’m so afraid we are never going to get a call from the agency. I know God has His way of doing things, but I feel like we’ve gone through all of these hoops and have now hit a brick wall. It has been a long, long time since I really felt encouraged about this, like I knew that this was what we were supposed to be doing.
Monday, April 13, 2009
18 Months
Today is our 18 month anniversary of officially waiting for the adoption. When we first started this process I had my own mental timeline for when I thought we would have a placement. That timeline was 18 months.
This waiting is really getting harder and harder to take. Everyday I try to give myself pep talks to get me through another day…another week….another month, but it is getting frustrating.
We really would like to get a placement before all of our paperwork needs to be redone at the two year mark.
UPDATE:
I had posted a few weeks ago that our profile was being shown in 3 situations. Today (Tuesday the 14th) we got an e-mail saying that families had been chosen. We weren't one of them.
I'm not surprised ....I had really hoped that we would be one of the families chosen, but we weren't. I'm afraid this is never going to end.
This waiting is really getting harder and harder to take. Everyday I try to give myself pep talks to get me through another day…another week….another month, but it is getting frustrating.
We really would like to get a placement before all of our paperwork needs to be redone at the two year mark.
UPDATE:
I had posted a few weeks ago that our profile was being shown in 3 situations. Today (Tuesday the 14th) we got an e-mail saying that families had been chosen. We weren't one of them.
I'm not surprised ....I had really hoped that we would be one of the families chosen, but we weren't. I'm afraid this is never going to end.
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