This is one of those posts I always hesitate to write. How much do I say? How much do I tell about our adoption experiences? Does it come across as whining or not appreciating what I have? So many things to think about. Part of me just wants to forget it all, but the other part thinks that someday I might like having a record of everything. So here is our latest adoption rejection from this week.....
Our profile had not been shown since the end of July. You might remember that lovely weekend....within about 5 days we went from the potenital of 5 babies to 0 between the negative blood test and two different situations where we weren't chosen. Since then we found out we were the longest waiting family which means if a family didn't want to make a decision the agency would place the baby with us. But nothing has been going on, which was ok because we still had the November embryo thing to look forward to. But we all know how that turned out....
Since then, with the help of reading a lot of things by Joyce Meyer, I've been doing ok. I think we had all found a certain level of peace with how things were in our lives at this moment. Then Monday happened. There was a cold call situation. I developed one of the most nervous tummy feelings that I've ever had with a situation. Even Jay was nervous. I don't know that either one of us have ever felt this way about our profile being shown. Most of the time I really don't think about it much, with the exception of a few cases. Honestly, most of the time it's not that big of a deal when we aren't picked, but this one has been hard. I don't know if it was the timing of the year, the fact we are the longest waiting family and what if they didn't want to make a decision, that this was the first time in a long time we've been shown or if we just wanted to it be our baby so badly, but I spent two and a half days sick to my stomach. No matter how hard a waiting family tries to distance themselves from a situation I think it's not 100% possible. You have those stray thoughts that go to places that you are better off not thinking about, but can't help it....what would it be like to travel in the next few days? what if we brought a baby home next week? what if I got to be the one not taking care of the food at Dad's on Christmas day because I was holding a baby? what if we really got to use some of those winter clothes we bought last February?
Those kinds of thoughts are so dangerous because it can break your heart so badly when you find out none of that is to be. The baby stuff bought last winter will stay hidden where Jay put them, we will still be at home this weekend and I'll be at work the rest of the week and I will still take everyone's food on Christmas Day with a smile and try not to think about what could've been. Maybe 2011 will finally be the year????
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