Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mop-Up Man

Where to begin with football…I'm sure you're all wondering about an update. I've got a few pictures of Cade, but I haven't had a chance to post them. If I don't take them with my phone I have a hard time getting them from the camera to the computer. AND our internet is down again so that's also delaying the process. I have yet to see Cade in action. The first two games I was stuck in The Icebox for our final two events. We decided since Jay was a helper it would be better for him to go to the games and I would stay behind to oversee the business. I'm not sure that I've exactly missed out on anything except watching Jay become the Mop-Up Man….

Jay has nicknamed himself the Mop-Up Man. I'm not sure if a nickname is really a nickname if you give it to yourself, but if you're the one lacing up the football pants you can call yourself whatever you want…. Saturday night (after game #2) I think Jay had decided he was done with the whole football thing. I won't go in to all the details about it (it is really funny to hear Jay tell the stories), but this might tip you off as to how it went – we got beat 8 to 24 but we played a 5th quarter so all the boys could play. Jay has somewhat taken on the role of crowd control. I'm sure the fact that he's a teacher has something to do with this self assumed role – someone has to pay attention to the kids on the sidelines or all heck will break loose. So instead of becoming fully absorbed in the game he is breaking up fights, telling them to keep their helmets on even if their head is itching and telling them to ask one of the other coaches why they haven't played yet when they ask him for the hundredth time. After hearing the kids complain about one kid too many times the kid ended up next to Jay. Jay put his arm around the boy and held onto his shoulder pads. Jay said that the rest of the game it was going to be them together. It was just them together until Jay had another boy act up. He then had his arms around both boys with his hands locked into their shoulder pads for the rest of the game. I wish I could've gotten a picture of that.

But my favorite self-assumed responsibility is bathroom duty. At two minutes to game time one of the coaches said "oh…hey, do any of you need to go to the bathroom"? Several of the boys raised their hands so up the hill they headed. Jay saw there were no adults going so he went because he knew what would happen. Don't we all remember how bathroom time was when we were in elementary? Jay went to keep order, but he quickly realized there was another duty that had to be done – 8 year olds with laces where their zipper should be and a D ring where the button should be. From Jay's description of this I'm guessing it must've resembled the calf roping event at a rodeo – I wish I could do the sound effects that Jay can do but it was him quickly lacing them up, telling them to GO, and moving on to the next kid. When Jay was describing this to me I wasn't thinking and said "they can't take care of their own pants"? Jay looked at me like I was dumb and said "they are 8 year olds with laces in the crotch of their pants. No they can not tie their own pants". I should've known since we have to tie Cade's pants..,actually, I let Jay do it. The few times I've done it Cade's underwear shows.

So I think Jay deserves to keep his self-named nickname. If it weren't for him the spectators might have seen a lot more at Saturday's game than they had planned on…. Jay will not be at this Saturday's game because Alabama is coming to Fayetteville. I think we are going to go with him, even though a part of me would like to stay behind just to see what will happen. Can you get a penalty in Mighty Mites if your pants aren't laced????

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Homestudy Update

The homestudy went fine on Tuesday evening - much like I expected. The girl was new and looks young, but she was very nice. I think the big difference between the other three visits and this one was our attitudes. Previously we had been somwhat peppy. I had a much heavier feeling in my heart this time.

She started out our interview by telling us we were the longest waiting family at the agency. Not exactly the place we wanted to hold but there are some benefits. If a woman comes to the agency and wants them to pick a couple we would be the first choice. My friend Shelley also reminded me that when the profiles are handed to the mom's ours will be on top. The only thing that's gotten me through the last five plus years is hope. I had felt really hopeless the last few weeks - but this actually helped. We would have first choice so that is something to hold on to. As long as we can keep doing this without losing our sanity we could eventually get a could be tomorrow or 5 years from now.

We followed up the longest waiting discussion with the Illinois Incident discussion. Nothing like getting it all out of the way in the very beginning. Cade heard her ask about that and he said he didn't want to talk about it. We sent him to our room to watch TV. I wish I knew what went through his head when he thinks about it. I think that it's that he doesn't want us to get upset about it again, but I'd like to know for sure. It was definitely the most traumatizing event we have experienced together. I just hope it doesn't negatively impact his view of adoption in the future. What if he and his wife need/want to adopt to grow their family???

It seems like from there we jumped into embryo adoption and she asked how we were handling that loss. She also asked if we would go back for a third transfer or stop at two By that time I was sniffling. I've never cried during one of these things but Tuesday night was too much. Examining all of the disappointments at once was really hard. She did ask if we were doing any counciling. We told her no because really we were ok (between sniffles).

The meeting didn't last as long as they have in the past. Our old case worker had gone through infertility so we hit it off really well. This new one was fine but we didn't talk about much outside of what she asked us. After one hour she said she was through. She probably wanted to escape from the crazy people who said they were "fine" when clearly they weren't!

So we are done for another year. As long as there are no fingerprint issues (like Ponytail deleting them) we should have everything done in plenty of time. Keep praying that the only other time Jamie comes back is for a post placement visit!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone...while freezing and wondering just when in the heck football practice would be over...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Home Visit and BC Pills

This afternoon is our home study visit. Our previous case worker left Bethany shortly after last years update so we will be meeting a new person today. Three years ago I was extremely nervous about having someone in my home inspecting it and every detail of our life. This year I really could care less. My house is clean, but it's not spotless. I'm not thinking about every question they might ask and how I will respond. At this point I really don't care what happens. I'm not worried about it because not much has changed since last year – why would there be a problem? But on the other hand if we weren't to pass would it really bother me? At least then we would have some sort of closure to this mess. I guess I'm out of sorts right now….

I've had countless other women tell me that being on BC Pills made them crazy. I tried the pill shortly before we got married and it made me so sick I quit after one month. I was really nervous about starting the pill before the first transfer because I had no idea how I would respond. Luckily I felt pretty good….actually maybe even a little better than that. For the first time in awhile I felt somewhat balanced. Looking back I wonder if part of why I felt better was because of hope. We were doing something different, something that we had not tried before. This round, so far, has not been that great. I think I'm joining the ranks of the other women who felt like they were losing their minds while on the pill.

Last night Cade had grandparents night at school. It was about 9 pm before we got home and I had to face a dirty house. I had a schedule worked out in my mind on how I would get it all done, but I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do any of it. I think I could've let her in the house today with stuff everywhere and not cared. At all. I was walking around crying because I didn't want to do it – any of it…clean, talk to someone new, continue dealing with adoption, going back to Knoxville. If someone had handed me a million dollars last night I'm not sure it would've made me happy! I was somewhat of a mess. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who recognizes when I'm about to go over the edge. Last night at 10pm we were both down on our hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor together. We got it done. The only thing left to clean is one bathroom and I'm going to tackle that at lunch.

I guess the house will be ready for her visit, at least the surface dirt is gone. As long as she doesn't open any closet doors we will be fine! Am I mentally ready for her visit? I'm not sure. It's not that I'm worried or nervous about this visit – I'm just worn down….and a little crazy feeling. The homestudy visit it just another one of those unwelcome milestones we keep reaching – another year has gone by. Will this be the last visit? Will we renew next year if nothing happens in 2011? I feel like there are a lot of questions on the horizon that we may have to deal with in the next year….or maybe that feeling is just coming from the BC pills?

They are really making me crazy…..We had The Icebox at an event Saturday and when customers would come up and say "can I have a Strawberry" I had the urge to scream "No you can't because I don't want to make it". Work isn't much better. If I see a customer pull up I want to run and hide and heaven forbid if they need me to actually do something. I hope my face stays neutral because I'm usually fighting back to the urge to hit them with their file. It doesn't help that I've dealt with a lot of people who don't know what they want. I want to tell them they seem to be speaking a foreign language because I can't understand a thing they are trying to say to me. How many more days until I get off of these things? But then I'll be on the Lupron … may only get worse. I just hope somewhere along the way I can regain my sanity and my patience, because they seem to have disappeared.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Fingerprints Never Change….

and apparently neither does my stress level this time of year.

Over the last few days I looked back at some of my posts concerning our home study and the two updates we've done since September 2007. A common theme is that my stress level goes through the roof. I try to stay calm, but it seems to become overwhelming with all the scheduling that has to take place. At least this year we didn't have to do the medical exams because that quadruples my anxiety. You have to get it all fit in around your own personal schedule and this year we've added football practice and the ice business to the mix. Plus Jay's normal schedule of teacher meetings and running the football concession stand….it makes me a bit crazy.

Last Tuesday morning (August 31) I woke up at 3 am and all I could think about was the financial paperwork I needed to fill out. Where were our statements? When was the last time I saw anything on Jay's retirement fund? What about the truck – where is our last statement on that? Have I got one recently? Why did the county change our road number? I don't think I'm getting my mail…No, I'm positive I'm not getting everything, how much should I say the ice business is worth? What about the cattle, what are they worth? Is Jay asleep? I have to remember to ask him about this tomorrow? Would he mind if I asked him now? Why have I not changed our road number on all of our bills yet? FINGERPRINTS, oh my gosh I have to schedule that appointment, Can I get online and get Jay's retirement balance? How much should I say the house is worth? What did I put down last year? I think I'll go with that same value, What about debts..have we acquired anything new? Oh crap, that stupid furniture we bought for Cade that we don't need now. Boy, I really got mad at Hanks. I will never again shop for any furniture at that place. Oh the irritation of paying for that furniture when we have a perfectly good set shoved in different closets all over this house, We have some Icebox events coming up, how can I schedule this around those dates? When will I get the house cleaned for the visit? Do we need more sugar? How many bags did we buy last time? The Icebox account – when will we get a new statement on that? Should I send Jay to the bank to get a printout so I can include that as an asset?….That line of thinking went on for two hours. Finally at 5 am I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and rummaged through every basket in the kitchen and the computer cabinet looking for the information. Luckily I found most of everything that I needed and yes, I was able to get Jay's retirement balance on the internet.

When I got to work that morning I made the fingerprint appointment and everything was going so smoothly. Then Jay tells me he has a teachers meeting that night so I had to reschedule his appointment. Still everything is good. Then Tuesday happened and I had to schedule both our appointments for Wednesday the 15th. Then I got the e-mail from Clydene so I had to reschedule the rescheduled appointment for yesterday. I had printed off the proof that we had paid online for Jay's fingerprints because of originally rescheduling it, but didn't think about printing off mine. In the four times I've had this done I've never had a problem. Until last night…

There was a skinny boy with a ponytail working at the fingerprint place. We had a hard time finding the Springfield location so that had me stressed. Then we get in there and tell them who we are and they tell us we haven't paid. I will admit that I lost my cool at that moment and probably said a little too loudly and excitedly that "OH YES WE HAVE PAID". I dug out Jay's receipt but I didn't have mine. I told Ponytail that I had also paid. In a very patronizing voice he says "It says you have not paid, it is my job to ask if you have paid, you say you've paid but yet you only have proof that you paid for one, how do I know that you paid". At that point I turned my back on him and called the company. I was not going to listen to him any longer because he kept talking on and on in the same irritating voice. Because of us changing appointments it didn't transfer over that we had paid. It took the company awhile to find it, but finally it was all taken care of. That was a relief because I was afraid I might have a melt down right there in the Mailbox It backroom. I don't think Ponytail liked me much. I just hope he didn't hit delete after I walked out!

Jay was pretty quiet through the whole incident. I really wasn't sure whose side he was on. When we got to the car he did say he thought he was going to have to grab Ponytail by the ponytail and make him scan my prints. Luckily no one had to use physical force last night. But then Jay made a fatal error, one that it will take him quite some time to live down. He said "what were you thinking by not printing the receipt". I'd like to direct everyone's attention back to paragraph two. What am I not thinking about right now? As soon as the words were out of his mouth I'm pretty sure he regretted it. I let him know that next time he was more than welcome to fill out all the paperwork and make the appointments and did I need to remind him that he had not told me about that teachers meeting so I had to reschedule his appointment a grand total of three times. Yes, the phrase "what were you thinking" will be brought up frequently for the next few weeks.

Later that night I asked Jay if I ever look as crazy as I feel during this time of the year. He said I was close to looking deranged while getting the fingerprints done, but most of the other times I'm ok. That's good to know. I also realized that Cade was really quiet during that time. I'm not sure he sensed that his mother was about to go off the deep end or what. Jay said it was because he was reading a comic book.

I wonder what kind of repressed memories Cade has that will hit him one day as an adult. Will he remember the time I lost my mind at the fingerprint place? I just hope that when that memory does surface he'll be able to call his brother/sister and say "you know, I just remembered the last time mom and dad were fingerprinted for your adoption, mom really lost her mind that day" or "I also remember mom losing her mind at Hanks one day when they couldn't find the part to my new bed for the second time" (do you see a common theme with the times I've totally lost it?). Then I hope they are able to laugh over the crazy things I did while they were growing up and the nutty conversation that one of them had with me that morning. I have that with my sister, I so want that for Cade.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Yesterday before leaving for work I decided to throw in a load of laundry. I hadn’t planned on running home for lunch because I needed to leave early because of the fingerprinting. I changed my mind at the last minute because our stack of laundry was overwhelming. It’s a good thing I did because when I went home I saw we had two messages. It was the fingerprinting place letting us know they were experiencing an equipment failure and needed to reschedule our appointments. That made me a little crabby because we are on somewhat of a tight time schedule with this update. When I called to reschedule they put us down for Wednesday, September 15. I then talked to Clydene at the NEDC and she said we needed to have the homestudy to them by October 8. That was going to cut it too close if we left the appointment on the 15th. I had to call the fingerprint people back again and reschedule it for this afternoon. That was really not what we wanted to do, but we didn’t really have a choice. So this afternoon we get to drive to Springfield to be fingerprinted then turn around and hook up the ice trailer and drive it to Sarcoxie. Yes, it will be midnight before we get home tonight. The thought of all that driving caused grumpy moment #1 yesterday.

Grumpy moment #2 occurred at football practice last night. I will admit there is a particular father there that I’m not too pleased with. I know this sounds very unchristian like, but I think I could’ve kicked him in the head and not felt a bit bad about it. And hey, since I don’t think my fingerprints are stored anywhere could they have traced it back to me??? Yesterday, because of the fingerprinting thing, we sent Cade home with some friends. We decided to still stick with that plan because we didn’t know the appointment was cancelled until about 2pm. Trying to change plans in the middle of the day was too much. If Cade had gotten a message at school that he was to ride the bus to the HS even though we told him to go home with Kaul, he would’ve gone into a tailspin. We are enough alike that I know what something like that would’ve done to him. We aren’t big on having our plans changed at the last minute. So I got to practice a little before 6:00 pm and Cade and the Kleeman’s weren’t there yet. They had to get three boys ready plus pick up a 4th boy somewhere along the way. Most of us work and have other responsibilities (and other lives) outside of 8 year old football practice. They pulled up about 6:05 pm. No big deal, except to the father that I was tempted to kick last night. He made Cade run for being late. I can not tell you how angry that made me. This guy is not even the head coach. I’m not even sure he was asked to help – he is just there barking out orders to the kids. Not that the running hurt Cade, it wasn’t that far, it was the principal of it. Yes, if Cade was 17 yrs old and late to practice that is one thing but not when he is 8 and solely relies on adults to get him there. I was so aggravated because that guy had no idea what we were going through to even get Cade to practice that night. This is not the first time this dad has annoyed me and I have a feeling it won’t be the last. I know that may sound a little mean and uncharacteristic of me, but I’m not perfect. And I don’t like this guy talking to my child. At. All. It’s hard balancing the whole natural instinct to protect your child with not turning them into mamma’s boys. That’s the only thing that kept me from not kicking him in the back of the head…and that it wouldn’t have looked good on the homestudy either. But we did have one breakthrough last night. Cade came home from the Kleeman’s knowing how to tie his shoes. I don’t know how Cesare did it, but we really appreciate it. We’ve tried for years and finally decided he’d learn at some point but until then New Balance makes some really good strap shoes….

Grumpy Moment#3 started while watching this guy “coach” these 8 year olds through this scene…

Yes, that is pouring rain hitting my windshield.  You can barely make out the red uniforms on the other side of the window. Nothing is more irritating than trying to stare daggers at someone when you can’t see them clearly. Also, thank goodness for texting. Jay had a teachers meeting and got to practice about half way through. I kept texting him anytime the dad irritated me. I’m sure Jay got annoyed, but it made me feel better!

I’m at work today trying to let all of this go, at least until the next practice. We are going today to get the fingerprints taken care of, Jay is taking Cade to practice tomorrow night so I won’t have to look at the dad, and Charity sent me this picture. Life is looking good today…..

I think I’ve been fired as her picture taker. I was trying to get her and Lawson at the baby show and people kept getting in my way. It made me laugh when I opened my e-mail this morning. Shelley – I need a camera like yours!!!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Medication - Round #2

Sunday night I started my medication for Round #2.  It was just the BC Pill, so not anything too major.  I won't start the Lupron until somewhere around October 13th.  The last time I felt pretty good on these things.  This time, I'm not sure....I was (still am) slightly nauseous.  I hope this doesnt't become a chronic problem this time. 

I had a medicine free month so I enjoyed not having to remember to take something every day.  It was the first time since the middle of April I didn't have to take something.  The only problem with having a break is that I'm afraid I won't remember to start taking it again.  I've told Jay so that maybe he can help me remember.  And so it begins again....I just hope the outcome is different this time. 

At least one positive is that I start the Lupron after we have our homestudy visit.  That's probably good.  Let's just say I probably am not as mentally sharp on the Lupron as I am unmedicated.  Since this is a social worker I've never met before I don't want to say or do anything stupid.  On the Lupron saying/doing stupid things seemed to be a daily occurance.

Tonight Jay and I have appointments to be fingerprinted again for the 4th time.  I realize that you can't base the real world off of what you see on TV, but CSI makes this fingerprinting thing look easy.  With just a few strokes on a keyboard they can pull up the whole histroy of someone.  You would think that in real life they could store our fingerprints somewhere and pull up our records each year without having to be printed again.  I don't understand how it all works, but I'd have to believe that since my fingerprints have been scanned if I were to commit a crime and they found my fingerprints at the scene they would be able to trace them back to me???  Maybe they don't keep them after they are scanned, but if they don't that is a waste of resources....and my $52!!!  Oh the irritation!!!  I think I've said this every other time but I really really really hope we don't have to go through this again.   

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

They All Look Alike….

Before having kids I used to think all babies looked alike. That all changed the moment I saw Cade. The next morning after his birth Jay's Grandmother visited the hospital. I was so proud of myself because I was able to look through the nursery window and know which one of those babies was mine. A mother should know her own child …. If you believe that you haven't had a child of average height/weight play elementary sports.

The first year of baseball was a struggle for me. All the kids (girls & boys) were 6 and they looked alike. If I sat far enough away from home plate I couldn't tell who was batting. Was it mine? Was it a girl? Oh, well I'll just cheer anyway. This past year the kids matured enough that I knew which one was mine when he batted without straining my eyes too much. I didn't feel like such a bad mom…then football comes along and ruins it for me again.

I can't tell Cade apart when he's practicing. I had to ask Jay what number he was because I couldn't spot my own child. I had to strain to see his number, finally find him and then I'd loose him again. Eventually I gave up and played on my iPhone. All that straining was giving me a headache. Not to mention nausea from reading the numbers on moving targets. Towards the end of practice I did figure out a way to pick him out. I'd look for his legs. He's the one who's butt and legs are so narrow and skinny that he looks like he will topple over from all the weight in his shoulder/head areas. Later that evening I was telling Jay about my dilemma and he suggested the butt/ leg method. It was nice to have confirmation that once again we are on the same page with the raising of our child.

Also, I still don't like it. It makes me nervous. I'll be at the games, I just don't know if I'll be able to watch. I may encourage him to become a kicker…but with his anxiety issues that might not work. The two of us are quite the mess. Jay has his hands full most of the time.