Not the Thanksgiving we had hoped for...

Not that we don't have plenty in our lives to be thankful for but this Thanksgiving just wasn't what we hoped it would be.  I had my dreaded beta draw on Wednesday.  Within an hour the clinic called my cell phone to tell me the results were negative.  I can't even convey in the words the deep disappointment and sadness that we felt that day and for the next several days.  I think Jay and I walked around feeling like we had been ran over by a truck.  I tried to go Black Friday shopping but I didn't even enjoy that.

I think for both of us this seemed to take us back to the day in February when we found out we were not getting the baby.  The next day we got the phone call about the appointment at the NEDC.  We've always had something to look forward to, even in the disappointments with this journey.  There always seemed to be some other situation that gave us something to look forward to, but this time we feel that we've ran out of options.  Embryo adoption was our back-up plan.  It was what got us through those awful February days.  Now that option is gone.  We aren't sure where we are and what we are going to do.  We are both pretty confident that we are done with the embryo part.  We are both tired of the treatments and the stress that comes along with it.

We are also so frustrated.  Did we not understand correctly when we felt that we were being led to adoption?  Are we not where we are supposed to be?  I'm also so stinking angry.  Last Christmas we went to Disneyland to spend some time together just the three of us.  It was such a good trip.  I came back feeling better about our situation as a family of three.  I was really content and ok with waiting.  Then February happened and then the embryo thing and it has been one constant adoption/baby something or another since then.  Why couldn't we have just been left alone for awhile?  Why everytime I get to a point where I feel some level of peace it starts all over again?  It just makes me so mad!!!

While I was Black Friday shopping Jay cleaned out the closet in the spare room.  It was such a hellish place for me.  I dreaded having to open it for anything.  It became the place where everything was stuck...all the baby stuff from February, all the paperwork from the NEDC, all the folders and old profiles and adoption crap we collected over the years.  It's all gone now.  I'm not sure what Jay did with it, but at least I can get in the closet now without praying that God would only let me see what it was I was looking for and not all of the other stuff stuck in there.  We talked about giving it away, but we weren't ready for that.  Did we want to run into someone using our stroller or wearing the clothes we had picked out for our baby?  It sounds selfish, but we didn't think we were ready for that.

We are still on the waiting lists with both agencies, but that feels so far removed right now.  Also, there are not possible situaitons with either agency right now.  I really don't know where this leaves us now, except just waiting.  I can handle the waiting, for whatever reason God has given us the long wait and that is fine.  It's the constant disappointments that is wearing on me now. 

Waiting…..

We still have a few more days of waiting before we know the outcome of the transfer. Rather than taking it day by day, I seem to be going from minute to minute. It's so hard not to wonder about it constantly. My emotions are so back and forth…one minute I think it could possibly have worked and the next minute I'm convinced it didn't. I don't feel that it's necessarily negative thinking, just honesty. I don't know, and I won't know until the blood test comes back. My emotions though have been all over the board…mostly crying. I'd like to take that as a good sign, but really I think it's the stress of everything, 5 ½ years of this stuff, the fact this is happening around Thanksgiving which is when I had an early miscarriage 4 years ago, wondering if I misjudged what God wanted us to do all those years ago, hanging up 3 stockings instead of the 4 I had imagined back in February, getting a shot in my rear twice a day and wondering if it will make a difference, mailing the large check to my mail away pharmacy for the Estrace they filled in a massive quantity that I may or may not need and that they didn't clear it with me before sending the medicine, etc. As you can see if I've heard, seen or thought about it, I've cried over it the last few days. I know a lot of you can feel for me, but I also know that until you go through it, it is so hard to understand. It's easy to say don't worry about it, but until you've experienced this, it is hard to know what is going through my head…even I don't know most of the time.

I also realized that I had never commented on the embryos that were transferred. Part of me wants to post their pictures and I know I need to, but it's hard for me to look at them right now. I've got them tucked away in the same place as my blood work orders. We had three embryos transferred. Our first donor had one embryo and when it thawed it didn't look as good as the clinic wanted so they thawed two from our second donor. Those were looking good at the time of transfer. I don't remember what their grades were but they were on the higher end. After the procedure the doctor told Jay that everything went great and that they embryos were better than they embryos we used last time. His words were "there is reason to be optimistic". That kept me going for a few days, but a week past transfer it's getting harder to remember that. I just don't know, and sometimes the best embryos don't work and the ones you'd think would never make it do. It's all a God thing. I have been thinking of these verses in Psalms over and over this week… Especially verse 16. God knew the days of the embryos long before they were created. He knows where they are at now, and I'm just trying to find comfort in that while we wait to find out if that will be here on earth or in heaven.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

 

 

Transfer Done

We had the transfer yesterday morning. I think I may have posted that it was 11:45 pm but it was am. Whoops!! The doctor told Jay that everything went very well. Now we wait...

Right now we are in the Nashville airport waiting for our 2:20 flight to take off. I'm ready to come home!! I'm taking off work tomorrow to have one last day of rest. Praying that the embryos decide to stay around for awhile!


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Update on the Transfer

I had my final ultrasound yesterday and everything turned out good. Jay gave me my first shot of progesterone this morning. It really hurt for some reason. He thinks maybe he got it in a little higher on the not as fatty part. I don't get another one until tomorrow so hopefully he can get it a little lower and it won't hurt as bad? You have to be careful though and not move it down too low….when we were in Tennessee the last time the nurse warned us about going too low for those shots. You run the risk of jabbing the sciatic nerve. The thought of that happening gives us both the willies so we definitely want to avoid going too low. Other than that, and the fact that I cried because I kept wondering why in the world we are doing this again, everything is going ok. I think I'm experiencing the equivalent of pre-wedding jitters or "cold feet". Kind of like when you get strapped into a roller coaster or another scary ride and it's too late to get off. You wonder why in the world am I doing this to myself???

The trip to Olathe yesterday seemed to be a trek for both of us. I guess maybe my age is starting to show, but it felt like a 10 day excursion. I used to not mind going places, but the older I get the more I prefer to be at home. Probably if we were going to do something fun it might have been a better drive. We drove three hours, had a 15 minute appointment, ate at Cracker Barrel (same one we've ate at every time Jay has gone with me) and drove the three hours home. It was not an exciting trip. All I could think while we were eating was WE HAVE TO DRIVE THIS WAY AGAIN ON SUNDAY. Jay's response was "yeah, but we have to go farther on Sunday than we did today". He is such an encourager! It made us even more thankful for the fact we get to fly this time.

Also, is the time change bothering anyone else or is it just me? I'm really having a hard time adjusting to it this time. I'm tired early in the evening, but I wake up at 3:30 am and can't go back to sleep, my stomach is growling at 10 am. Really, is it necessary to do this to us every year? Again, maybe I'm getting older and my body is resisting change more, but this has been rough. I still haven't set the clock in my car which had Jay really messed up yesterday. I haven't had the time to jack with it because it takes me forever to figure out what sequence of buttons to push. It also doesn't keep up with my cell phone clock. I'll set it but somewhere it will loose about 3 minutes. You have to remember to subtract an hour but then add three minutes back. That made for some interesting moments yesterday when we were trying to make it back by 3:10pm to get Cade from school.

So the plan is to drive to KC Sunday morning and fly to Nashville sometime around 1 that afternoon. We will then rent a car and drive three hours to Knoxville. Our transfer is at 11:45 pm Eastern time on Monday. We fly home sometime Tuesday afternoon. Also this weekend Miller has a playoff game at home at 1:30 pm and the FFA has the concession stand and there is a home Razorback game. Not sure how Jay is going to get all of that done.

Honestly I don't have any thoughts one way or another about this transfer. I think I'm somewhat numb or in a stupor or something. Of course I want it to work, but I know we will be ok if it doesn't. I really don't know what to expect, I don't have any gut feelings one way or the other….I think I'm neutral. That of course could also be the adoption fatigue talking. I guess we will find out for sure in a couple of weeks.

Thanks for all your prayers during all of this crazy stuff – it has definitely been an adventure. Sometimes I wonder what our lives would've looked like if we had a baby back when we first started trying. What would it be like to have a 4 year old now? I can't even picture it and I would've missed out on some good friendships and some good conversations I've had with people. I probably wouldn't even have this blog. I think Jay and I have grown in a lot of different ways over the years. I can definitely see the benefits of this long wait in many different areas of our lives. I guess we will see what happens in a couple of weeks and where God takes us from here. There is a part of me that feels like I am done with this adoption stuff. That part seems to grow bigger every day. We obviously aren't going to quit right now, but I feel that I'm pulling back somewhat. I don't feel like I'm as consumed by the whole process as I once was. I don't wonder every day if Aimee is going to send out a potential situation. I don't hope that every phone call is "the" phone call. I don't know if I'm just tired of it or is this maybe what surrendering feels like?

A Random Weekend

• Cade is still upset about Prop B. Friday night, on our way to McDonald’s, he asked when we were going to start having to eat plants. Since Jay answered him by saying “let me try explaining this again…” I’m guessing this was not the first time the topic had been addressed in the last few days. Obviously Cade still didn’t get it because yesterday he was concerned that we would no longer have turkey for Thanksgiving. He comes by his obsessive nature honestly….

• We went to an adoption get together Saturday. We were hoping to connect with some other families who are/have adopted from the Joplin/Springfield area. Apparently everything adoption related must be struggle for us – we and one other family were the only ones who RSVP’d. The other family didn’t show up until the end. At least Cade and a friend got all of the jumping things to themselves for two hours. Our caseworker also got to meet us in a different place (both physically and mentally) than our home study interview – hopefully she will forget that awful evening in September.

• After the adoption let down Jay dropped me off and I shopped with my mom, sister, Avery, and Lawson in Springfield. Fun Times. There are benefits to having only one child who is 8. On those occasions where I forget that spending time in a retail setting with Charity and her kids quickly reminds me of it. This outing though was not nearly as bad as this one. My ovaries still haven’t recovered from that trip.

• Charity learned to never let her kids, her menopausal mother, and her sister so doped up on hormones she can’t think like a non menopausal person leave her at the mall. We told Charity we’d take the kids and go get a cookie while she looked at Old Navy. We ended up not getting a cookie but two drinks and then we started walking. We ended up on the other side of the mall in the kids play area. After not hearing from Charity for a long time we tried calling her only to hear the diaper bag ring. We had left Charity at Old Navy with no phone. She had no idea where we were at. She didn’t want to leave the area outside of Old Navy for fear she would miss us. We of course wondered how in the world we would ever locate her in the mall. 10 years ago not having a cell phone at the mall wouldn’t have been a big deal – now it’s a travesty. Luckily we found Charity much much quicker than we had anticipated. That ordeal ended our shopping adventure Saturday evening.

• This was Lawson during the time his mom was lost. It didn’t seem to bother him much.  Notice the pink stroller.  Hopefully it will cause no lasting damage to him.





 

·         Tonight is another home playoff game for Miller.  For most of us that means those of us with passes will pay because it’s a state rule.  For Cade it means we are paying because of Prop B. 

So Prop B passed last night...thanks to the two biggest cities in the state. Too bad we can't vote on annexing them into Kansas and Illinois! I'd like to know if they know the definition of a domesticated animal?

Jay and Cade listen to a lot of talk radio in the mornings. So you can imagine how Jay' s political beliefs are running off on his son. Poor Cade. He was upset this morning when he heard it had passed. He
was afraid it meant agriculture was done as of this morning. I thought Jay had him straight on that...until tonight...

Miller is playing their first playoff game tonight at home. I was explaining to Cade that we had to pay to get in for this game so don't go blowing through the
Gate like normal. He said "why do we have to pay tonight? Is it because of Prop B?". Maybe it's time for Jay to back off the politics just a bit??!

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Just A Reminder For My Missouri Friends....

Today is election day.  Vote NO on Prop B!!!!

And be very careful....We have a ballot where you draw a line to complete the arrow on the one you want to vote for.  I was done with my ballot and quickly looked over it.  I had completed both the yes and the no line on Prop B.  I had to get a new ballot.  Dang this Estrace....it makes me do weird things.

10 and 15

Those are the two magic numbers we have ahead of us for the next transfer. In 10 days I will head back to KC for another ultrasound. That one will be the final lining check to make sure it is on track. If it is then 5 days later we will have the transfer.

Things have been so-so on the medication this time. Some parts are better some are worse.
This time I'm dealing with anxiety issues. It is about to drive me (and everyone else I'm close to) absolutely crazy. I'm high strung, I will admit
that but this medicine is really blowing some stuff out of proportion for me. So if anyone would like to pray for us that would be a big one to pray for...that I get over this anxiety and start focusing on all the things that seem to have gone right with the transfer up to this point. Other than the anxiety issues everything else seems to be moving along good..I guess we will know more on the 10th!!

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A Frightful Halloween Costume

Ok since Cade doesn't read
this blog I feel I can be truthful. If he ever does read this entry in the notebook version Jay makes for me every Christmas I'm sure he'll be ok with it. Hopefully it will be years and years from now when he's cleaning out our estate and he's well into adulthood and parenthood because by then he should understand....

We bought our child the dorkiest looking costume EVER for Halloween 2010. I was horrified
when he put it on. It was like one big silky leotard type thing with a vest over it. I got a size 10-12 but it was way too short and way too tight I was so glad we did not Trick or Treat anywhere close to home. We spent last evening in Fayetteville so Cade could help Nana.

Other than the embarrassing costume the night went really well an was a lot of
fun. Note to self...avoid the $14 Wal-Mart costumes once your child is no longer in the toddler sizes.







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