The Waiting Game

Yesterday was one of those very rough waiting days. Thankfully they aren’t as frequent as they used to be because they flat wear me out! By the time we got home from Cade’s 4-H meeting I was exhausted and climbed into bed. I didn’t even get up early enough for my normal morning routine. I felt like I needed the sleep more. I think I’m starting feel somewhat back to normal now. Thank goodness!


Basically this day has been in the making since the 10th. We got a call from agency #2 that there was a mom who wanted to look at profiles. Were we interested? Called the agency back Friday, got the details and told her to show us. They were meeting with mom Tuesday (yesterday). The agency said they’d let me know by email what the mom decided. Even though I seriously think this had to be close to the 40th time our profile was shown (and that is not an exaggeration, that is a low ball estimate) , I was still nervous.

Add in a profile showing with the year anniversary of last year’s disappointment mix together and you have a mental mess! Then we got our monthly update from agency #1 yesterday morning. Baby C has been placed with a family. I am so grateful for that, but at the same time it stung a little. It was just all of that bad stuff was wrapped up in a neat little package with a one line statement. That made me sad. Then yesterday afternoon agency #2 called to let me know the mom looking at profiles had picked another family. I was so sad by the time I got home last night. It was just a lot to digest in one day.

Also on the update from agency #1 was a reminder that we have to complete 10 hours of training, per person, before a placement. This is a new rule. It makes me want to pull my hair out. Not that I’m against training, but it is just more crap to wade through. Honestly I keep forgetting about it. I think I’m mentally thinking “whatever!” . At this rate I feel like we’ve got years to get that 10 hours done. I’m sure some of the families are jumping on it and probably have their hours done. I can’t even remember to print off the email to take home to deal with it. And it is 10 hours for me and 10 hours for Jay. That should be fun to get through during his busiest time….Oh who am I kidding, his job is always busy!

Every time our profile is shown I pray that God helps the family to make the right decision and if they do place their baby to give it to the right family. I’m getting tired of us never being the right family. I really think 40 showings is a generous low estimate. We have been shown a lot. A whole lot. Out of those showings only a handful of those babies ended up with their biological families. They were placed with adoptive families – just not our family. Out of those showings we were picked once because the mom liked us, but in the end released the baby to foster care. Even in Baby C’s situation I don’t know that we were picked because she liked us – she felt strongly about giving him to the family who waited the longest. So in a way we won by default and not because we were liked. I’m sure she did look at our profile and was ok with placing him with us, but still….Another time we were the only ones willing to be shown in a situation. She looked at our profile and decided foster care was a better option. That one really hurt. So as you can see I was just a mess last night!

But because I married a really great guy, he understood. He told me to go to bed when we got home last night and he handled the bedtime routine and homework and other NFL questions. Then while I was writing out this whole sad post I got a delivery….




The card was signed Just because we love you - Jay & Cade.  Isn't he the best.  Only problem is that it made me tear up again!

*Also, to clarify - I don't fault any of the mom's for making the decisions that they did.  Especailly in our loss last year.  I really feel that she was coercied into that decision by some of the events that transpired.  My anger in that particular situation was centered on the DFS of that state.  They did some really underhanded things that our agency had never experienced before.  We've had a lot of out there things happen to us with the situaitons we were picked for.  As an adoptive parent you prepare yourself for the possibility of not getting the baby because the parents decide to parent.  That hasn't happened in any of our situations.  I really feel I could've handled that scenerio better than knowing they were going into foster care.  That really makes me sad. 

One Year Ago....

Today is the baby’s first birthday. It’s hard to believe that just one short year ago our lives were turned topsy-turvey over the course of 10 days. In other ways it feels like a lifetime ago that we got the calls that changed so many things in our lives in 2010. A lot of the direction and focus of our year all came out of that time. When I think about those days I don’t feel particularly sad, at least not as sad as I thought I would’ve felt on February 18, 2010. I also obviously don’t feel happy either….it’s a weird emotion of almost nothing…but yet something. Maybe it’s because there isn’t a word to define missing something that was never yours to begin with….

I’ve never really connected a name to him. In my mind he’s usually baby…when Jay and I talk about it, which is rare, we call it the trip to Illinois. He’s not the name we picked out the few short minutes before we got the call saying he wasn’t ours, but yet I don’t think we would ever reuse the name if we were blessed with another boy. It wasn’t a name that I had any particular fondness for. I liked it, but I wasn’t in love with it. I was never attached to it like I was Cade’s name. The name is all wrapped up together in my head with the whole experience. It was something we went through as a family…parts were good, parts were bad, but I prefer to keep it all in there together in my mind.

I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about him. I may think about him several times in one day, but then not think about him again for a couple of weeks. When I do think about him, it’s usually to say a quick prayer that he is healthy, happy and loved and then my mind wanders to curiosity……These are all things I’ve thought about over the year. Not all at one time obviously but different thoughts sneak up on me at different times.

What does he look like? He was a mixed race so what different traits show in his features? Does he have dark hair and eyes? Is his hair curly or did is stay straight like it was in his hospital picture?

How big is he? He would’ve been the biggest of my parent’s grandchildren to this point. Would he still be the biggest? How does he compare to Lawson’s size now?

What are his accomplishments? Can he walk? What words can he say? How many teeth does he have? Is he doing a lot of the things Lawson is doing right now

What does he like to do? Is he into cars, tractors and anything with wheels like Cade was at that age? Or is he more interested in sports? Does he like to play ball?

Is he well loved by his family? Were they able to adopt him so he’s not a casualty of the foster care system?

Then sometimes my mind goes to the what ifs. I try to not go here often, because it is painful, but sometimes it’s hard not to. It just happens….

What if we had brought him home? Would I be planning a big birthday party (YES!!)? Would he and Lawson be good buddies since they would’ve been 4 weeks apart? What would Cade and the baby’s relationship look like? Would Cade still be as thrilled about having a brother now that he would be mobile and into Cade’s toys? Would I still be sleep deprived and half crazy like I was for the first part of Cade’s life? What would it be like to have a baby in the house again? We are SO out of practice!

Sometimes I wonder if he’ll ever know the full story of what happened when he was born. Will he know there was another family that almost took him home? If I were to guess on that I’d say no. He’ll probably never know how so many people in our lives were praying for that little boy and his birth mom during those days. Or that some of us may still continue to pray for him. But imagine having someone you don’t have a clue about praying for you? That’s a pretty neat thought. So if you are reading this and have time, would you also say a birthday prayer for this baby who was almost our son..brother..grandson…nephew…cousin… friend…

Happy 1st Birthday Baby, wherever you are!!!

Surviving the Wait

I've read Kelly's blog for quite some time but this is the first SUYL I've linked to.  When I saw that adoption was the theme for this week I debated on what to do.  No, I technically don't have an adoption story yet, but I have been in the trenches for a long time.  A very, very long time.  Sometimes I wish I could find a blog where the person had an experience similar to ours but I have yet to find it.  I decided maybe today I needed to be that blog.  I was going to write out our whole story but it got really long.  Instead I decided to put our timeline on the left side and then write about some things I've learned over the last few years....

To sum it up we have been praying for a 2nd child for 67 months.  We are one of the "lucky" ones who had no problem conceiving or delivering our first child but then learned about the world of Secondary Infertility when we were ready to expand our family.  Out of these 57 months 39.5 of them have been spent as a waiting family with an adoption agency.  I know in the scheme of thing we aren't the longest waiters ever and we don't have the saddest story - but still the waiting stinks.  No matter how long it takes - it is a frustrating place to be.

I would say though that I've made some great strides in my relationship with God and how I choose to handle my feelings towards the wait in the last few months.  After our last failed attempt at embryo adoption I knew that I was finally at the point of where I had to say "God, I've done all I can do, it is in Your hands now".  It was freeing to give up the hold that I had on always wondering what our next step should be and should we find another agency, is there anything else we could try etc.  I knew without a doubt we had exhausted all of our resources.  There were no more backup plans.  We had to make a choice - either we continue to wait for the perfect time from God or we give up and quit.  We have decided to persevere and never give up until God tell us differently.

Some are probably thinking "well, they just want the perfect healthy Caucasian baby, that's why their wait has been so long".  Unfortunately no, that is not the case.  We are open to a lot.  We are open to drug abuse, different races, not so pleasant situations.  In fact both babies we have been matched with have been different races.  We have been shown many, many times in many different situations.  I wish I had kept track of how many times our profile has been shown.  But still we wait.  I have no idea why or what God's plan is with all of this, but I have to assume it is something big.  Somehow He will use all of this to His glory - we just hope it is before we are 80! ha ha...

So my contribution today is just some things that I've learned over the years.  Hopefully it can encourage someone else who may be having a rough time with the wait.  Maybe it will help you to learn some of these lessons a little quicker than I did???  I also think it is important though to express that adoption can be a wonderful thing, but it is not pleasant all the time.  You will be forced to make some decisions that really don't seem fair and no one but another adoptive family will even begin to understand.  Even if you have the greatest most understanding family in the world, they will not fully understand what an adoptive family goes through during the wait and the really hard questions you will have to think about.  I'm not saying that to be negative, I'm saying it because it is the truth. 

• Go in to it prepared to wait.  We all hope to be the family who is placed as soon as their face appears on the website, but that only happens for a small few.  Try to remember it will happen on God's time not yours.
• Research, read about, listen and learn from others about adoption. Even read opinions from others that you may not agree with.  You will learn that your views will change during the wait.  BUT do this in small doses.  Too much information at one time is overwhelming.  You will only end up upset and confused. 
• If you are like me and don't want to look at anything baby related until the baby comes home that is completely ok.  But one suggestion would be to find a family member/friend who would buy you a few essential hospital things  and pack them in a plain bag that you can stash in your house.  After two losses I finally developed this system.  Next time we get a call we will be prepared to go, but won't have the emotional stress of yet again sorting through the baby clothes.
• You will get tired of the wait.  No matter how good you try to keep your attitude it will get hard.  There are days you will cry from sadness, want to throw things in anger and actually feel at peace with the wait.  Sometimes these phases last weeks, sometimes all three happen in the same 15 minutes.  But you will survive it.
• Is is expensive - and I'm not talking about the agency fees here.  When you count every trip, every profile copy, every stinkin' HIV test (6 between the two of us since 07) it adds up.  Just be prepared.  That total sum from the agency includes none of that.
• Even in you are matched and it seems like God has lined everything up it still may not work.  BUT remember that God wanted your paths to cross for a reason.  Maybe you are the only ones who will ever pray on a consistent basis for that baby and their family.  Take that responsibility seriously and do it! 
• You can and you will do more than you ever thought you could.  God will lead you through it.  I will admit that I've read blogs or online forum posts where people have waited 2 months, throw a big fit saying that they can't take it any more and then bam they get a placement.  Then all the people on the online forums say God is wonderful because he knew you were at your breaking point and he sent you a baby.  So I tried their method before.  I've thrown some doozies and told God I was at my absolute lowest at that moment.  And like I don't appreciate my child throwing a fit, either did God.  Instead of getting my way I heard him say "get up and get it together, I will give you the strength to get through it".  And He does.  Every time I start to think I won't survive I hear Him say Yes you will!!!
• If you are like us and have another child DO NOT put off the big trips until you think your family is complete.  We finally reached that point in 2009.  We wanted to do the Disneyland thing and finally knew the time was right.  Cade was almost 8.  If we waited for another one to be old enough to go Cade would be in HS and the magic would be gone.  So we made the most extravagant financial decision we ever had and flew to California.  I think Jay and I would both agree on this - we could loose our jobs and our house tomorrow, but we would never ever regret going to Disneyland. It was the greatest trip. And after seeing it with my own eyes I will never do Disneyland with a stroller!  Talk about a nightmare (just a little bit of extra advice there).
• It is disappointing to be rejected time and time again.  Even though you know that God will put all the right people in the right place at the right time it still stinks.  None of us wake up each day and think "boy, I hope someone really dislikes me today".  It gets hard to not take it personally.  Sometimes I think the choice could be between us and a pack of wolves and the wolves would be the ones picked!  I have no idea why....we shower, we wear deodorant, we have normal jobs and pretty normal lives.  Jay is a teacher, I am a loan officer....Jay likes football, I'm a typical mom who's only hobby is whatever activity her child is doing (ha ha).  But seriously, what is wrong with us?  We have one child that I think has turned out really really great.  Not that we did anything special to make that happen, we have just loved him like any other parent does.  So why don't people like us?  I have to constantly remind myself that was not our baby.  God did not intend for us to raise that child.  And when that doesn't work I take the advice of a friend and tell myself...well, it was just another ugly baby!! :)
• Research all the different types of drugs and their effects on development.  Just because you think there are no drugs used in a situation the baby could test positive at birth.  Have an idea of what you would do in that situation.  I know from personal experience how stressful this can be.  When you add that on to the other normal stress of any adoption situation it is hard.  A lot of decisions have to be made in a short time frame.
• But with that being said also remember that the birth family has chosen you for a reason.  There is something about you that has made them trust you enough to give you their child.  Take that responsibility seriously if you have to make one of those hard decisions.  Again, from personal experience I know this is hard.  And I still feel guilt about a decision we had to make and I wonder daily if the mom has/can/will forgive us?
• Be very careful what you say if you tell people that you are being shown or if you are picked.  Once it is said it can't be unsaid.  What if you are picked for that situation?  Will you really want people to know everything that you knew about the details?  Probably not.
• And most importantly never ever loose your faith that God will get you through it.  Even with all of what we have been through I still feel that God is going to bless us at some point.  I don't know when, I don't know how, it may not be the way we think it should be, but it will happen!

I know this is getting really long, but I want to add a couple more things for friends and family members of those who are adopting....

• When a couple tells you they are going to adopt just be happy for them.  Don't give them a lecture on why you think white couples should not raise black kids or any other adoption advice - like how hereditary mental illness is.  Again, that is something that once it is said can't be unsaid.  Those kinds of comments can seriously hurt your relationship with that couple.  Once they have a child their 1st responsibility will be to raise the baby in a safe environment.  If they feel you are negative towards them or their family they will cut off contact with you.
• And I can't stress this one enough - Don't ask nosy questions.  There are a lot of things that adoptive families will not share about their child's history.  It is no one's business except for the parents and the child.  Sorry, but not even grandparents need to know everything.  When you ask questions you put the parents in an awkward situation.  They have to lie - and no one likes to lie, but they also have to protect their child. So don't ask.  Just be confident in the fact that the adoptive family does know everything that the agency knows and as long as they are comfortable with it, then you need to be comfortable with it.  It does not matter in the least to you if the child was drug exposed or if you know all there is to know about the birthfather or even if the mother has other children.  All you need to know is that this adoptive finally has the baby they have prayed for for years and years.  Your job is  to love the baby and not worry about the other stuff.  Because it just doesn't matter.  And if/when the day comes that the child is ready to share his full story he will share it with those who loved him for him without knowing every detail in the past.

So for all those in the process or thinking about it Good Luck - you are on quite the adventure which will be full of ups and downs.  But I know you know it will be worth it in the end - just like I do.  When I finally hold the son/daughter that God intended to be in our family it will be magical.  And so worth the wait!

Infertility and the Dentist

I actually typed this post right before we found out about Baby C.  It was going to auto post on the 10th, the day of my appointment, but with all the crappy adoption stuff going on I took it off.  Since today I have an update to the appointment I thought I'd post it.  I'll update at the end....

Over the last 67 months of our journey through infertility I've discovered a reminder that is almost as bad as my yearly check-ups with the GYN…..a trip to the dentist. I sometimes wondered if I was alone in my hatred of visiting the dentist because it is a little weird. How can someone looking in your mouth prompt those feelings of infertility? After all it is in totally different areas and why would someone poking at my gums bother me? Then I read on two separate infertility blogs about how much they hate going to the dentist so I felt better. It made me feel not as crazy knowing that I'm not alone.

So today I am visiting the dentist. I guess that would make like my 11^th trip to the dentist since we started all of this stuff (give or take an appointment). So you are probably wondering what the big deal is with going to the dentist…Let me try to explain in a few words…X-rays and medication list….

At the beginning it never failed that my dentist appointments would coincide with exactly one week in to the two week wait. Was I pregnant? At that point it is too early to test, but an x-ray could still do a lot of damage to a developing embryo. What to do??? The first year I opted out of the x-ray. The dentist got his pants in a wad and wouldn't let it drop when I refused the x-ray. I finally had to announce that I could be pregnant. That got him to leave me alone. When I left the hygienist told me "good luck". It was tons of fun going back in 6 months later with my belly as flat as it was at the last visit.

Six months after that I had to reschedule my appointment. When you reschedule they stick you with a different hygienist. At least I didn't have to face the same one that a year ago I had announced to that I may be pregnant. I could escape that horror – except I was currently on clomid. I had to confess to a new person all the medication I was taking. Yes, I was so tempted to not mention it, but then that worried me. What if mixing fluoride and clomid created some toxic environment in my body and I died in the dental exam chair? I thought the chances of that not happening were about 99.9% in my favor, but did I really want to mess with that .01%? I mentioned it and then that started the whole infertility discussion. Fun thing to talk about with hands stuck in your mouth. Then six months later I got to go back to the same person. She looked at my chart and said she was sorry the clomid didn't work, but she had some uncle's brother who sisters sister-in-law's great great niece had the same thing happen to them and they finally got pregnant. I was thinking - Uhm, thanks for that awesomely encouraging story I'm sure the exact same thing will happen to me. But instead of saying that I spouted out my normal response to those stories (with a smile on my face) Yes, you just never know what will happen. We will just keep waiting.

After that trip I was finally past the 18 month mark of waiting. That seemed to be a turning point in the wait. I finally came to the realization that more than likely I was not pregnant each month. I was able to have several stress free appointments in a row. I let them x-ray and poke and prod all they wanted. It was win-win for everyone.

Then I went in November 2009. My gum on my two bottom front teeth is receding. They wanted me to call some oral surgeon to see about clipping the piece of skin that attaches my bottom lip to my gum. They thought that might help with the problem and buy me some time before I would need a tissue transplant. I could loose my bottom teeth if I don't do all of this. I left the dentist that day and never called about visiting the surgeon. I meant to, but then things happened and I didn't get it done. When I went in last May they asked me about it again. I pretended like I was going to do it. I asked for another card of the surgeon so they would leave me alone, but I knew I wasn't going to call. We had just gotten back from our first trip to Tennessee. I had no intentions of getting involved in anything else medically until we resolved this embryo thing. Clearly I hoped that at my November appointment I would be pregnant and they would leave me alone about my gums.

So that brings me to my November appointment. It was scheduled for the 22^nd. That was two days before the blood draw. I went back and forth on what to do with the appointment for several weeks. Finally I decided it would be best to reschedule it. I would have to tell them about the embryos and all the medication I was on. It was too emotionally draining explaining all of that to people who really didn't understand and it would be another bad reminder if 6 months later I went back looking the same as I did at the last appointment. So my rescheduled appointment is for today. I know I am not pregnant so I can have the x-rays. I guess maybe I will get another card for the surgeon and think about calling him….but I probably won't. There are some other things going on in our lives right now and I'm just not interested in dealing with this. Hopefully this weird feeling in my bottom right tooth is mental and not because the gum seems to be getting lower….

So there is a little more insight into the life and times of a person dealing with infertility. Since I rescheduled my appointment I will probably be with someone I've never seen before. I hope enough time has passed and all of that other history is covered up so maybe they won't know everything we have been through. But then again I don't know if that's good….because they always ask how many kids do I have….then I get the comment "well, it's time for another one". Maybe I can pretend I don't hear them over the noise of the spit sucker????

***update - The tingling feeling in my bottom tooth is not my imagination.  The gum has receded more and my tooth is loose.  I finally broke down today and called the specialist.  I'm going next Wednesday for a consult.  I'm afraid I'm past just needing the skin clipped and will probably need a graft.  Yipee!  Also, the hygienist that day was one I'd never seen before.  So she had no idea about my history.  And in keeping with my luck she was very excited because on Friday (the same day we were in St. Louis with Baby C) she had an ultrasound and found out she was having a girl.  She was not even showing so I would've escaped without ever knowing that fact if she hadn't volunteered it.  I just smiled and said congratulations.  One of these days it will turn around...

A week in pictures

I know my post from yesterday may not seem like it, but it hasn't been all doom and gloom in our household.  After our first loss last February I felt like I would never smile or laugh again.  It was awful.  Thankfully I didn't feel so much like that this time.  I have smiled and I have laughed.  Even as early as last Saturday I laughed quite hard.  I'll post about that seperately, I may even have to put the video on the blog.  It concerned Cade and basketball and shoe tying.  It was funny and quite embarassing for Jay and I.  Nothing like a whole gym full of parents knowing you have failed in your parental duties. 
I'm not sure why these pictures are so fuzzy.  Normally my iPhone takes better pictures than our crappy camera.  This was Tuesday night, January 4 - the date that we have lived and breathed since the Arkansas/LSU game.  It was the Sugar Bowl!  I came home from work that day to find our living room decorated.  I tried to get a picture of the decorators but remember what I said about Cade and the dorky poses?  He struck again...



So I tried again.  You can't tell it in this fuzzy one, but you can just read it on his face that he is really working hard to control himself and not go into another weird pose.

   The seat cushion that Jay is not at all embarassed to tote into the games.  I think seat cusions at ball games are a defining moment in a person's life.  You know you have finally reached a pivotal moment when you are willing to say that the comfort of my butt overrides my need to look young and cool so I'm buying a seat cushion.  So far I've resisted that but after Cade's first basketball game last week I may soon be crossing over to the other side.....  And the Razorback helmet that gets brought from Cade's room into the family room every game.


And a mug and a sign.  Yes, that is making tape holding the sign on my oak endtable.  I'm trying to practice self control....so I didn't say anything about it.  Yes, it was very hard.





Cade's first basketball game was last Saturday.  We had an hour break between the two games.  This is how the boys occupied themselves.  Those are Avon magazines.



Jay and Cade missed three days of school this week because of snow.  So they can forget about their 4 day weekend in February.  You may wonder why we don't have a cover on our grill.  I don't know why myself.  I wonder than on a daily basis but yet never think to buy one. 




Work also kept me quite busy this past week.  We had to get these files...

and these files...

Up these stairs.  I promise that had nothing at all to do with me calling in Thursday. I did move my fair share on Tuesday and Wednesday.   But I wasn't too upset when I got to work Friday and saw that it was all done.



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And Finally it Hits….

Today I'm having a harder time with everything than I have up to this point. Today I am so sad for us and for everything that has happened this past year. Today I had to write a check to the clinic in KC for my last ultrasound from the transfer. That made me mad and so very sad. Then I keep thinking about everything with this last situation and the circumstances with the baby. The chances of everything that happened actually happening is very small…but still it happened. The chances of us being picked, when you consider all of the times our profile has been shown, was very small. Still we were the ones that somehow got the call. His mom wanted to bless the family that had waited the longest. Go figure. The only time that has happened since we because the longest waiting family.

I read in a Beth Moore devotional book about a year ago that we should thank God when we do go through these hard times because maybe He is using us to help glorify His name in the situation. We should feel honored that we are the one He saw fit to use. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Yes, it sounds wonderful, but in reality it sucks. I guess in a way even that makes me feel more sorry for myself…were we picked because we were the family that could handle the news better than any of the other families? And if that is the case why do we keep having to be the "strong" ones. There are plenty of other families waiting with BCS. Why couldn't it have been one of them? Why have Jay and I have to stand on either side of Cade's bed and listen to him ask God for a brother OR a sister (adding in that or was a big step for him but even he is frustrated by the wait) for years and years and now we have added the healing of Baby C and to help find him a family? I am really really trying to let this refine my faith and bring me closer to God and work out all of the junk in my life that God needs me to work and really trying not to complain and be thankful in all situations, but it is so hard. And it is awful. And I really wish I knew how much more stuff I need to get out and work on because it really doesn't feel like there is anything left in me at the moment.

I should've known this day would come. I really hadn't cried since last Friday. Yesterday I woke up and had a headache. I decided not to come into work. I never call in sick unless Cade is sick or I have the stomach flu. I will and (have worked) through any and all illnesses (including labor) except for the stomach flu (which thankfully is a very rare occurrence for me). So I sat in my jammies all day alternating from reading, napping, playing Bejeweled and watching Little House. Cade and Jay had a snow day so Cade stayed with me and Jay went to school to do some work. When Jay got home he said something about it not looking like I had moved all day. Cade said "the only times I've seen her move are to go to the bathroom". I did have to correct him – I made lunch. All of that should have been a clue that I needed to deal with some issues because it is extremely unlike me to do any of that. It all became very apparent to me at lunch today when I got the sauce from my Subway sandwich all over my shirtsleeve. I had been writing out a couple of checks (one was the above mentioned one to the fertility clinic) so I didn't unwrap my sandwich right away which made it leak everywhere – all over the napkins and eventually onto my sleeve. That seemed to be the unleashing event. I had tears in my eyes and my napkins were sticky and soggy but I didn't want to get up and ask for more napkins because I didn't not know what might happen. I had to make do with what I had. Then the sticky on my sleeve seemed to grow and I was transferring it to other parts of my body. And I was trying not to all out loose it at the Subway. I think I even had a snot bubble at one point…or it couldn't been the Sweet Onion sauce. I'm not sure. Yes, lunchtime was a hoot today. I had to have brought the mood level down quite a bit in that 12x12 area.

I know that I have to take comfort in knowing that God has a plan and this will turn out better than I ever dreamed of asking Him for. But at this point I have to wonder if we will be adopting the baby that turns out to be President or cure cancer or something. It is going to have to be something big…very very big J

What has happened since...

Without really talking about it Jay and I knew we had to get ourselves back to normal very quickly for Cade's sake.  We left our hotel in Pacific at 5am Saturday morning to make it to Jasper by 10 for his first basketball game.  We made it just a few minutes before it started.  I feel that we both handled everything pretty well.  I did tear up once when I heard Lawson giggle....Jay said that when he looked at the bi-racial boy on Cade's team it made him wonder what Baby C would look like when he grew up.  I know we will have our moments for awhile but it hasn't been as overwhelmingly devastating as it was last time.

Last time I was angry.  I was so so angry at the state of Illinois and DFS.  This time I'm not angry because there is nothing to be angry about.  It is just a sad situation.  Sad for everyone involved, but mostly for the baby and his family.

After reflecting on the whole situation for a week I can see some things that I'm thankful for and that I can see God's hand in...

• The fact we didn't rush up there Thursday.
• That we went on as normal for the two nights before we went to meet him, that made it easier to get back to normal when we got home.
• That even though we have thought the whole time we've been in the process of adoption we had hoped to do it in "secret", but that has never worked out.  I'm not sure that it ever would with a school age child and cattle.  But both times I know we wouldn't have survived if we hadn't had the prayers of our close friends and family that knew what was going on.
• A new appreciation for what birth families go through.  They leave their child at the hospital after knowing them for 9 months.  We had a hard time leaving him there after 10 minutes.
• A new respect for families of sick kids.  Again, after knowing him for 10 minutes we had to listen to doctors tell us what was wrong with him.  We only had to make a decision on what we were going to do.  I can't imagine having to listen to doctors tell you something that important when you are numb and then have to make a decision concerning your child's treatment plan.
• An even bigger appreciation for those called to adopt kids with special needs.

Even though Baby C's time with our family was very short, we will never forget him.  Cade prays for him every night - that he will get well and that the agency will find a family.  I know there are several who may hear our story and wonder what is wrong with us.  Or they may think our long wait has been because we only want a "healthy white baby", which is so far from the truth.  I know that those who really know us know that isn't the case.  I have no idea why our wait has been so long or why things have been so painful.  I read about adoption stories all the time that seem so easy.  We aren't those people for reasons we don't know and don't understand.  But it is the way it is.  God has a plan for all of us so we have to take comfort in that.

Also, please don't hesitate to ask us about Baby C.  I think it will be more hurtful to us if people forget about him or don't bring him up because they think it will upset us. Especially our families. Anyone who goes through an adoption loss knows that you never forget about them.  You don't think about them all the time but still they were a part of your life.  He was a part of our family, even for a short while, and we want everyone to keep him in their prayers. 

We did get an update on him today.  There are some families who God called to adopt special need kids.  I thank God for those people.  They did find out he has a rare recessive disorder that doesn't allow him to break down a certain protein.  Even though they have him on meds he is not showing much improvement.  The doctors are baffled by this little boy.  Please, please keep him in your prayers. 

What Happened Friday....

Friday Jay and I left home around 6 am.  We had told Aimee we would meet her and Donna at the hospital about 10.  Our drive went relatively smoothly..once Jay got some 5 Hour Energy in Springfield.  Up to that point I felt like I had a grandma following me.  I wanted to drive 80 to hurry up and get there while he was dragging behind at 60ish.  We drove seperatley because it looked like Baby C would still be in the hospital for a few days.  Jay was going to leave on Sunday and I was going to stay with Baby. 

Around 9 am I got a call from Aimee.  She told me that Baby C was still having trouble sucking and swallowing.  He was being taken to for a swallow test that morning.  The hospital didn't expect to find anything.  We needed to wait until 10:30 am to get to the hospital.  That worked out great for us.  By the time we found the hospital, parked in the parking garage, lost the checkbook then found it, lost my parking garage ticket then found it, gathered up the diaper bag and video camera, walked into the hospital and found out we were in the wrong spot, walked across that hospital to the childrens hospital, found the second floor waiting room and then found the bathroom it was right at 10:30 am.  A few minutes later Aimee and Donna showed up and we started the process of checking in so we could meet Baby C.  The security in the hospital was extremely tight, which we can appreciate.  Donna kept having to say that we were the adoptive parents she had told them about that morning.  It took awhile to keep us all signed in and then admitted into the NICU. 

On the way into the room Donna asked is she could take pictures when we met Baby C for the first time.  We were fine with that because we knew we would be too preoccupied for pictures. We walked into Baby C's room and he was so tiny laying in his isolete alone.  His nurse came in right behind us and she did not look pleased.  She told Donna she needed to speak with her outside.  While Donna was gone Jay and I just looked at Baby C.  I think we both wanted to pick him up but there were so many wires and things we didn't know how.  We just stared at him until Donna came back.  That's when things started to go wrong...

This is also where my memory starts to get fuzzy.  Donna came back and said we were going to have a consult with the doctors and they were going to tell us some stuff.  She needed us to know that it was ok for us to say no to this situation.  Looking back I realized she never started taking pictures.  It was such a confusing 10 minutes or so...Donna was saying stuff but yet not saying anything...I'm sure she had the feeling that something was wrong, but didn't know what and didn't want to worry us until we talked to the doctor.  I think Aimee clued in that something was wrong because she told us that after talking to the doctors we could spend more time with Baby C before we made a decision.  I remember asking what we needed to do about the appointment with the attorney if we weren't sure.  They told us we could postpone it. 

At that point I started having a weird feeling...there were all sorts of warning bells going off in my head, I was sick and I was dizzy.  The nurse finally helped us get him out of the crib and I held him for awhile.  It was like my brain was just screaming and I couldn't think or feel anything at that moment.  I couldn't allow myself to.  I knew something was wrong.  I only held him for a couple of minutes and then I passed him to Jay.  He held him for longer than I did.  All of a sudden a social worker and the doctor appeared in the room.  They were ready for the consult.  The warning bells screamed louder when I realized the doctor showed up within minutes of being paged.  When does that happen in a medical situation?

We went to a small conference room - us, Aimee and Donna, hospital social worker, nurse, resident and doctor.  A second doctor came in while we were in the middle of the consult.  The doctor started telling us everything that did not seem right about Baby C.  Each thing individually wasn't bad, but when you put then together things did not look good.  What was the most frustrating thing was that they did not have a firm diagnosis, but they were confident something was not right.  But without a name for the problem we didn't know the outlook or the treatment.  I finally asked about Cerebal Palsy and the doctor gave me the impression she thought that was a strong possibility. I think that is when it sunk in for Jay that we probably weren't bringing him home.  I started to cry.  He put his hand on my back.

When the doctor was done they left us in the room.  Aimee and Donna left us for a few mintues and we talked a little but mostly we sat there numbly and I cried.  Aimee and Donna came back and they were very upset also.  The hospital had never indicated to Donna they thought his situation was that severe.  She had been there at 7 that morning and no one said anything to her about any of this.  She felt horrible because she would've never brought us to the hospital if she knew it was that severe.  Donna explained some of our options...we could spend some time with him and then make a decision, we could proceed and then "give him back" before finalization if he didn't improve,  we could leave for awhile and digest the information, we could leave with or without seeing him again...we decided to leave the hospital without seeing him again.  Aimee took us out a different way so we didn't have to pass his room.  We walked back across the hospital, paid for our parking and then found our cars in the garage and drove away.  We had been at the hospital for exactly two hours.  We walked into the hospital so full of joy and left completely devestated.

Since we had the truck and the car we decided we really didn't need to drive home.  We both needed to sit and we needed to make some phone calls.  We decided to get outside of the city and find a hotel.  We spent   the rest of the afternoon/evening alternating from talking to family and staring at the walls.  After getting away from the situation I was concerned - did we leave him too soon? should we go back and spend some time with him?  We kept having to remind each other that the mood in the room was very somber.  They knew something was wrong with him.  Since we didn't know any better we needed to trust them.  They were the ones who have witnessed babies in the NICU. Finally around 4 pm I called and let them know we were going to have to say no.  As much as it hurt we knew it was best.  The quicker we let them know the quicker they could start searching for another family better prepared to care for Baby C. 

What Happened Thursday...

Thursday morning I woke up totally exhausted and gripped by fear.  Baby C was black....was I truly prepared to raise a black son?  could Jay and I provide him everything that he needed to grow into the man we hoped he would become?  would he truly be accepted by our family and friends?   was our desire for a baby overriding what we really could offer to a child of a different race? would be grow up confused and not really sure of where he fit in life? 

Thank goodness for the faith that Jay has.  I think if he could've slapped me to snap me out of it that morning he would've!!  We had a long talk about how it was satan working on me and my thoughts at that moment.  He was the one putting the ideas in my head that I would not be a fit parent.  Jay knew that we were doing God's will in this situation and felt totally confident in our decision.  He knew we were not stepping outside of His will.  As Jay pointed out to me over and over and over we prayed about it and we prayed some more.  How could it not have been God's plan for us to have been picked to be Baby C's parents? 

As the day wore on I did start to snap out of it.  There were so many things that made us feel like this was meant to be.  One of the big things was his name.  The night we were discussing if we would be shown we talked about his name.  His mom had given him a name.  Jay and I have always planned to try to incorporate a part of our child's birthname with our name.  We do have some "criteria" (for lack of a better term) for our future child's name.  Our plan has always been to have their name either start with a C or J.  Not that we planned to have our childrens initials match ours Cade just happened to be a name we liked.  Then we always said we wanted our kids names to start with a C.  Then Jay chose JCS Cattle Company as the name we show under and will register cattle under.  In order to fit in with everything we want their name to start with a C or a J.  This is one of those things we feel is important in our family.  Anyway, we loved the name Baby C's mom gave him and it started with a C.  And we liked this name better than the name we had picked for the baby a year ago.  We just felt like this was going to work out.

I talked to Aimee several times that day about various things....where I could stay while he was in the hospital, if we were bringing Cade, what would happen at placement...and most importantly updates on Baby C.  He was still having problems with sucking and swallowing.  But we all felt that was not a huge issue.  The hospital had never indicated to anyone from BCS that they were overly concerned about anything with Baby C.  Aimee and Donna both really thought that once we got to meet Baby C and start bonding with him and advocating for his care he would improve.  It all made sense to us.  Jay and I both felt confident that all Baby C needed was his mom and dad to get there and give him some encouragement to start eating correctly.

By the time I got home that evening I was feeling much better.  Jay took Cade to practice and I started working on getting things together.  I was pretty overwhelmed and didn't know where to start.  It was one of those nights where I'd start doing something and then get sidetracked easily.  After Jay and Cade got home we headed out to deliver Cade to Jim and Sharon.  When we got back I still had to fold the baby's laundry and pack his bag.  Aimee told me that Baby C could start wearing clothes while he was in the hospital.  I picked out a couple of outfits that I couldn't wait to put on him.  I think we got to bed about 11 that night.  Surprisingly we slept better than we thought we would.

What Happened Wednesday...

Tuesday afternoon we got an e-mail about a cold call situation.  There was a baby boy born on Sunday who's mom wanted to place him for adoption.  He was born early, the hospital was guessing he was at 36 weeks gestation.  He was having a little trouble breathing and with the breathing/sucking/swallowing process.  None of this was overly concerning because he was an early baby.  What did concern me was that the original e-mail gave his weight as 2lbs 9oz.  That bothered me the most out of everything they told us.  For 4 weeks early that was extremely tiny.  If drugs had been involved that could've explained the weight, but the mom said she did not use and the baby tested negative.  I felt confident that drugs were not the cause of the low birthweight.  Tuesday evening Jay and I discussed it a lot.  I'm not sure why we talked about it as much as we did.  For the most part we have not said no to many situations.  There have only been a handful of times in the last 39 months where we were too concerned about something that made us say no.  We usually operate on the faith that God will provide us with what we need to raise the baby He knows should be placed with our family.  But still we talked and we prayed.  A lot.  Wednesday morning about 6:30 am Jay sent the e-mail to Aimee to show our profile.

When I got to work Wednesday morning there was an e-mail waiting for me.  It was an update on Baby C.  Aimee told the families that there was a mistake on his birthweight.  He did not weigh 2lbs 9oz - he weighed 6lbs 9 oz.  The hospital gave our agency the first weight in kilos.  I felt so much better when I read that e-mail.  That was a much healthier weight for that gestation.  That made me feel much more peace about the fact we were being shown.  I went along with my work and tried not to think about the situation very much.  At 9:30 that morning I got a phone call.  I looked at my cell phone and saw the area code -I knew that we had been picked.

I was so nervous answering the phone.  Aimee told me that Baby C's mom felt very strongly about blessing the family that had waited the longest.  They knew if we said yes to being shown he would be our baby.  It was an unreal feeling.  She told me to talk everything over with Jay and let her know what our plans were.  They wanted to introduce us as soon as we could get there.  I hung up and told them at work I had to leave for awhile.  I drove the 10 minutes to Miller, which was the longest drive of my life, just to talk to Jay.  I could've kicked myself when I got there and his sub reminded me he and Lyle had taken 30 Freshmen to Springfield.  The last time we were chosen I also had to tell him over the phone.  I really wanted to tell him in person this time, but I knew I had to call.  So while Jay was trying to keep an eye on 30 kids we discussed our plans to meet our future son. 

For whatever reason we knew that we wouldn't be able to go until Friday.  As much as we wanted to pick up and leave that minute something kept us from doing that.  It is something I can't explain.  We just knew that not rushing up there would be best.  We had to make plans for Cade and work and the cattle, etc.  Work for me was a pretty big deal.  Since Baby C was in the NICU and it looked like he would be there for awhile I had to get things lined out at work.  If I was going to be 4 hours away for an undetermined abount of time I couldn't just leave them high and dry with the mess of papers on my desk.  That day and a half until we left to meet Baby C seemed like a lifetime, even though it was less than 48 hours. 

That night we drove to Jay's parents to tell them in person and make plans for Cade for the weekend.  When we got home that night we didn't do anything - which is probably weird for people in our situation.  Jay read the book he's been working on - George W Bush's and Cade and I bowled and boxed on the Wii.  I think everything was still unreal for as at that point....and we also had been in this place before so we were trying to keep everything low key.  I don't think I slept more than a couple of hours that night.

Again

As most of you know by now we had another failed placement last week.  I will probably have several posts about the experience this week.  Obviously there are a lot of things floating around my mind right now.  Not only is this a record that I still hope to be able to look back on some day and think "wow, we were going through that and our baby was..." But this is also good therapy for me.  Writing about my experiences has always been a way for me to deal with whatever I am going through.

I want to start out all of the posts with a verse from Job I happened to read last week.  I decided in 2011 I wanted to read through the Bible.  I've tried this before by starting in Genesis and I always get caught around Leviticus.  This time I found a plan where it was chronological which means you read Job after you read about Noah.  I thought this plan would help me.  The last day I read from the plan was on Tuesday morning before I knew anything about Baby C or what the week had in store for us....for some reason this verse really stuck out to me.

Job 2:13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

I know as humans our first instinct is to want to say something profound to those who are suffering or at the very least hopefully not say something stupid.  We would like to say the perfect words to ease their pain, but we all know we can't.  I've had numerous people tell me over the last year that they don't know what to say.  And I want everyone to know that is ok.  If it were reversed I know that I would not have the right words to say to you either.  I guess I feel like Job in the fact that we are surrounded by friends and family who don't have the words and they don't need to have them - they know how great our suffering is.  I know you all hurt for us and you are all praying for us.  I know you all were disappointed for us.  I also know that you are hurting for Baby C and for his mom right now. 

Even if you don't say anything we know...we understand...we feel your prayers....we love you to....

Not the Thanksgiving we had hoped for...

Not that we don't have plenty in our lives to be thankful for but this Thanksgiving just wasn't what we hoped it would be.  I had my dreaded beta draw on Wednesday.  Within an hour the clinic called my cell phone to tell me the results were negative.  I can't even convey in the words the deep disappointment and sadness that we felt that day and for the next several days.  I think Jay and I walked around feeling like we had been ran over by a truck.  I tried to go Black Friday shopping but I didn't even enjoy that.

I think for both of us this seemed to take us back to the day in February when we found out we were not getting the baby.  The next day we got the phone call about the appointment at the NEDC.  We've always had something to look forward to, even in the disappointments with this journey.  There always seemed to be some other situation that gave us something to look forward to, but this time we feel that we've ran out of options.  Embryo adoption was our back-up plan.  It was what got us through those awful February days.  Now that option is gone.  We aren't sure where we are and what we are going to do.  We are both pretty confident that we are done with the embryo part.  We are both tired of the treatments and the stress that comes along with it.

We are also so frustrated.  Did we not understand correctly when we felt that we were being led to adoption?  Are we not where we are supposed to be?  I'm also so stinking angry.  Last Christmas we went to Disneyland to spend some time together just the three of us.  It was such a good trip.  I came back feeling better about our situation as a family of three.  I was really content and ok with waiting.  Then February happened and then the embryo thing and it has been one constant adoption/baby something or another since then.  Why couldn't we have just been left alone for awhile?  Why everytime I get to a point where I feel some level of peace it starts all over again?  It just makes me so mad!!!

While I was Black Friday shopping Jay cleaned out the closet in the spare room.  It was such a hellish place for me.  I dreaded having to open it for anything.  It became the place where everything was stuck...all the baby stuff from February, all the paperwork from the NEDC, all the folders and old profiles and adoption crap we collected over the years.  It's all gone now.  I'm not sure what Jay did with it, but at least I can get in the closet now without praying that God would only let me see what it was I was looking for and not all of the other stuff stuck in there.  We talked about giving it away, but we weren't ready for that.  Did we want to run into someone using our stroller or wearing the clothes we had picked out for our baby?  It sounds selfish, but we didn't think we were ready for that.

We are still on the waiting lists with both agencies, but that feels so far removed right now.  Also, there are not possible situaitons with either agency right now.  I really don't know where this leaves us now, except just waiting.  I can handle the waiting, for whatever reason God has given us the long wait and that is fine.  It's the constant disappointments that is wearing on me now. 

How We Are Doing…

Thought I'd give an update on how we have been doing the past week. I really try hard not to whine on the blog, but I think I will today. Mostly because I want to have a written record of what we went through on this (extremely) long journey. So if you don't want to read whining you can check back in a few days. I'm sure I'll have some good Biker Roundup stories to share.

Last Wednesday, going home from work, I got a message from Mary (the Light House case worker). There was a baby boy, already born, and the family wanted to look at profiles. He appeared to be healthy and there were no known health/drug concerns. The only "catch" with this one was that the baby didn't have insurance. The adoptive family would be responsible for his hospital cost. Since he was healthy and only stayed the normal two days that most newborns stay it didn't appear the cost would be too much. Basically though at this point most families who have waited anywhere near what we have would say yes if the caseworker told them the cost would be $1M over the normal placement fee. We had to let Mary know by 10:00 am Thursday morning, the day before the blood test.

We went back and forth some on what to do. Of course we wanted to be shown but what did we do about the fact I had three embryos transferred a week ago. Did we tell Mary and let her make the decision on if we could be shown – taking the risk that we could have a negative test and miss out on the opportunity to be shown? Did we not say anything and hope for the best? Did we not say anything and risk having the baby taken from us before finalization if I did become pregnant, etc. There were lots of things to consider.

I talked to Mary Thursday morning and she was ok with showing us, as long as we could handle two babies just 9 months apart. That was a little scary, but of course we agreed and knew we'd be fine.

After the negative test on Friday one thing that kept me going was this situation. We still had some hope that the weekend could turn out good. Monday morning though I got an e-mail saying another family had been chosen. We still had a little hope though because I knew there was still a mother with Bethany that hadn't made a decision. In fact I had received an e-mail from Aimee at Bethany saying that mother hadn't made a decision yet. When I first saw the subject line on the e-mail I thought "not today, I can't take another one!" I was so relieved that it wasn't us not being picked. The You weren't picked e-mail didn't come until 4:45pm Monday. I had already left work for the day so I didn't find out about that one until Tuesday morning. I'm glad that's the way it worked out because really, being rejected once a day is about all I can handle right now. By the time it happened Tuesday I was at the "this is just becoming ridiculous" place so I tolerated it pretty well. I think Jay was at that same place to so we were both "ok". Not that you're ever ok with disappointment, but there is a part of you that becomes use to it. You just pick up and move on and pray the next situation is yours.

We also made some decisions over the weekend. We have decided to wait until November for the next transfer. Things in our lives have been very crazy since the failed placement in February. Not that anyone's lives, including our own are stressfee – but we've been on a huge emotional roller coaster since then concerning the adoption. Or maybe I should say I've been on the emotional roller coaster because a lot of mine have been manipulated by the hormomes…But we had the failed placement, then the next day got the NEDC call, then we spent some time healing from the loss, about the time we were doing ok we got the phone call in April about the baby in St Louis that we just knew was going to be ours – instead he went to foster care, then I started the hormones, then we went to Knoxville and found out we could be in the July transfer (surely that was a sign, wasn't it??) then we picked out embryos and started the medical protocol, then we went from the potential of 5 babies to zero in a matter of days all while trying to open a business and work our other regular 40+ hour a week jobs. I think we need a break.

I should be able to remain unmedicated for about a month. I'm going to call the NEDC in a few days, but from my calculations I shouldn't have to start the BC Pills until the end of the month. I'm looking forward to a month of trying to flush that stuff out of my system, you know …just in time to put it back in for November. I think we or at least I need some time to just "be". Or at least "be" as much as the normal craziness of day to day life will allow a person.

It has probably also helped that this week has been extremely busy so it's taken our minds off of a lot of the disappointments. We've had our cattle in Springfield for the Ozark Empire Fair Monday-Wednesday and then Jay has been criss-crossing the state because The Icebox is at an event in Columbia. He's at the National Biker's Roundup getting an education right now. I won't lie though – sometimes I will be sitting at my desk and my heart will start to hurt if my mind wanders to the events of the last several months, but I'd say the majority of the time I'm ok. We will get through this.

So I just wanted to write this down because I hope someday I can read this and think "wow, when we were going through that our child was ____________ " …conceived, mother found out she was pregnant, family finally decided to donate the embryos, etc. Oh what a story we will have to tell someday!

The Green Room Part 2

I was going to do a post for Easter and Nana and Granddad's 60th Anniversary, but those pictures are on my camera.  I took them without a memory card in the camera so they're stuck on there.  For some reason I can't save them to our computer.  I'll take the camera to work and see if I can do anything with it there.  Since I can't get the pictures I'll finish up my green room/adoption loss story.

So we came home on that Thurday night to a clean house, but this is also what we had to face.  This is what I had wanted to avoid for all these years we waited and here I was stuck with it.  It was so hard coming home and putting this all away.  Everything is stuck in the closet so it's a mess again.  We finally got the crib put away and it's different pieces are scattered all over the house.  Hopefully when we need it again Jay will remember where he stashed everything.

I've really struggled with some anger issues on having all of this stuff.  I was one of the ones who don't want to have any baby stuff prior to getting a baby.  I think with adoption it's about 50/50.  The families either want it done so they don't have to deal with a newborn and decorting a room and the other 50% don't want anything until it happens.  I was in the latter 50% and here I was stuck with this stuff.  I knew that we had the basics (pack n play) and since we already had Cade I knew that a quick trip to Wal-Mart would get us by until we could get things together.  I wasn't worried about it.  I'll just say it again - I'm ticked about having all of this stuff in my house.  I've thought for years about Cade's baby clothes and that one day I'm going to have to face them. At some point they will have to be cleaned out and the emotions dealt with.  Now I've got a whole other room full of stuff that I'm scared I'll never get to use.    I know that if we ever get a placement it will be ok, but since that appears to be so far down the road it's scary.  What if we never get a baby?  What if someday I have to clean out this closet and there's all this brand new stuff that's never been used? 

So after a few weeks we went to work and tried to transform this room back into a den.  I pushed the changing table/dresser into the closet and kind of stuffed everything else in there.  It wasn't put up with any rhyme or reason, it looks more like a crazy lady started stuffing things so she wouldn't have to think about it! 

I also decided to make some decorations for the room.  I always thought that may have been one reason why I never cared for the green room - I didn't decorate it much.  I didn't want to spend a lot of money so I did some crafty things which helped in two areas - they were cheap and it gave me something to do!

 

I'm not sure why some of  these are so dark.  We have a new camera and sometimes it does weird things

I made 4 new pillows for the couch

Also made the things hanging on each side of the window.  It's a bulletin board with all different family pictures.

I also made this S.  The background in puffy.

I also dug out some old picture frames and framed some family pictures.  A couple of them are from our trip.  The one on the righ is my absolute favorite picture from vacation.  Jay and I look like we were in the happiest place on earth....Cade, not so much.

Here's a close up of the pillows.  I really like animal print stuff, but Jay hates it so I really don't buy it.  But since this is a "fun" room and not really part of our main home decoration scheme I decided to buy it.  When Jay saw the material on our kitchen table he asked what that awful red stuff was for!

Since I started this blog to talk about adoption I had to give everyone a little insight into what it's like to have a loss and what you have to face.  As of this week it will have been two months.  We're doing pretty well.  We really don't talk about it much.  I think everyone is doing pretty well.  There are just those doubts that creep up in my head sometimes about everything, but we're doing ok....nothing that some red zebra print pillows can't help!

The Green Room - Part 1

I didn't put anything on the blog after we got the call last month.  Mostly I just didn't have time.  Once we got back I didn't feel like it for obvious reasons.  Now that we've gotten farther away from that time in our lives I've felt like showing you a little of what those days were like.  For those of you who have biological kids think back to all the work you did in the 9 months before they were born.  Yeah, we had to cram all of that into one weekend.  It was absolutely crazy around our house. 

We got the call on Wednesday, February 10th.  The baby was due any day.  We spent the next couple of days in shock.  We didn't get much done except for trying to come up with a game plan for that weekend.  On that Friday evening Jay and I went shopping for new bedroom furniture for Cade.  We managed to find what we wanted but we didn't commit to buying it yet.  We still wanted to look a few more places.  We also ended up in the baby section of Macy's.  It was the first time in years I willingly looked at baby things.  We ended up buying a couple of outfits.

On Saturday Sharon came over and the real work started.  We had to take the green room and turn it into a nursery.  We were about 2 weeks shy of being in our house for 5 years. You can imagine what the spare room looked like after serving as a storage room/playroom for 5 years.

The color of this room looks off in the pictures.  It more of a lime green, instead of an olive green.

Here’s the closet…it looks innocent enough.

By Sunday morning this is what it looked like. Remember that innocent looking closet? This is what it turned in to. All I could do Sunday morning was wonder around saying “I don’t know where to start” That afternoon my friend Sandra and I went shopping for baby things. She really helped me mentally sort through what we needed now and what could wait. It was a lot of fun buying stuff that I had avoided for years.

The mess moved into Cade's room....

and our room...

and the family room.  Seriously, where did all this stuff come from???

Luckily Monday was President’s Day, which meant I was off work. I spent the day trying to finish the paint in the room and getting it in order. I’m not one to ask for help, especially in my home, but I got desperate Monday evening. We needed some serious help to get everything done before we were supposed to leave Tuesday morning. Lyle came over to help Jay move some furniture and Jania came with him. I’m sure Jania got into more than she planned, but she really helped us out. She ended up folding some laundry and packed up the baby stuff for us. About the time they were ready to leave Jim and Sharon got here. They helped us finish getting things together. It was great to have so much help. There’s no way we could’ve left with our house being back to normal if we hadn’t had all the help we did. When we left Tuesday morning everything was back in place, but it wasn’t clean, but it was when we got home. Leslie arranged for us to have someone clean our house while we were gone. I thought that it would be great to come home to a clean house with a baby…I actually think it meant more to come home to the clean house when we didn’t get a baby. It was nice to come home that weekend and focusing on getting back to normal instead of cleaning the house.

Beds, Parties and Cribs...

We finally got the parts to Cade’s bed last Tuesday. We still don’t have the chest and nightstand, but at least we have the bed. He’s no longer sleeping on the floor and I was able to get his toys put away. This new bed is a captains bed and it is huge. It’s supposed to have a library headboard where Cade planned on keeping some of his Lego Model treasures. Either the bed in the store didn’t have a box spring or Cade’s mattress is really tall because we can’t see the headboard. So far Cade is really pleased with the bed. It has a total of 8 drawers and two cubby holes. It also has a door on the end. He’s discovered he can crawl in that door and hide under the bed. I tried to not store anything in that part because he was so excited about that little hiding area. I’m not sure you can tell by the pictures, but the bed is taking over the whole room. I have no idea what it will look like when we finally get the other furniture pieces.

Another big diversion around our house the last few weeks has been Cade’s upcoming birthday. Jay and I are being really brave and we’ve invited 5 boys over on Friday night. Due to our girls basketball team going to the Final Four I think only three of the boys will be at the party. Still, a total of 4 seven/eight year olds in our house will be plenty. Cade wants to do an Indiana Jones treasure hunt. Jay and I aren’t quite sure what we are going to do, so we’ve been thinking on that for the past week. We’ve got to get something nailed down tonight. I told Cade the weather might not cooperate so we’d be inside and I didn’t know if the treasure hunt would work. He was disappointed with that answer so we’ll be pulling a treasure hunt together tonight.

His big family party will be Sunday afternoon. Out of his other 7 parties only two have them have been decent weather. I think this Sunday may hold the record for being the nastiest day ever for his March party – they are even calling for snow!!! Seems like I remember things being a whole lot warmer on my birthday when I was a kid. One year I wore shorts. I think this year I’ll be in a turtleneck!!! We are looking forward to the big get together. Hopefully everyone in the family has found their “assigned” gifts…ha ha.

Other than the party and regular school stuff – Cade seems to be handling everything ok. We’ve finally got the ok from him to take down the crib a couple of weeks ago. Due to us moving all of his toys into the spare room to make room for the new bed we weren’t able to put up we didn’t have enough room to take the crib down. Now that the toys are cleared out of the way were still debating where we are going to put the crib. I know that there are at least three basements where we could store it, but we aren’t sure we want to do that. We still have high hopes of using it someday and we don’t want it to be ruined. In some ways I think I’m dragging my feet because taking it down seems so final. I was so ready to take it down and get the room back to normal but the day we moved the couch in was hard. We ended up pushing the couch to one side of the room and the crib to the other. I just wasn’t quite ready to let it go. I don’t know that I’m any more ready now so it’s hard to know what to do. Something about it feels so final…like I’ll never see it again… or like we are giving up…

But I don’t want the other parents walking back there Friday night and wondering if we’re looney because we have a crib and obviously no baby. Also, Cade in his 7 year old innocence, suggested that one of the smaller boys coming Friday night could sleep in the crib. Yeah, I guess it’s time to take it down.

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Jay's Project

 Jay's always had a dream of owning a Hawaiian Ice business. Every time he would taste the sticky sweet goodness he'd bring up his business idea again. Around the first of the year he started getting a little more serious about this idea. He just happened onto the deal of the century on e-bay around January 11. After kicking the idea around and talking to Alven, the guy who had it for sell, Jay decided to bid on it. On Sunday, January 17 we had a stressful moment at our house. Jay was intently watching the bidding process for the beauty below. Unfortunately Jay was out bid by just a few dollars. Alven called to see if it was Jay who won. Jay told him it wasn't, but if something fell through with the sell to let him know. Jay was pretty disappointed over the next 24 hours. Then his life changed - on Tuesday, January 19 he got a phone call from Alven. The buyer couldn't get all the money together, he wanted to know if we were interested. That next weekend Jay and I made the 14 hour round trip journey to Champaign, Illinois to look over the trailer and purchase it.


We also got to meet one of the highest energy individuals we've ever seen. Alven gave us about an hour long crash course in how to operate your Hawaiian Ice business. He was spouting off instructions right and left. I was trying to write them down. It was a lot of information all at once! Alven was selling the trailer because his business was so good he opened a store front for the Hawaiian Ice. He also owns his own popcorn business where he sells gourmet popcorn. He was a very interesting man.

Once we got the trailer home Jay started working it over some. Structurally it was good, cosmetically not so good. Since our favorite color is red we decided to re-paint it. Jay also had to do some work on the floor so he put down new black tile. There are also a few other changes we had to make to get it in line with the Missouri Heath Department Codes. I guess in Illinois they don't have flies because Alven wasn't required to have a sliding screen. Those crazy Illinois laws are still haunting us.....

I'm learning how to become the master mixer of Hawaiian Ice flavors. I mixed up a couple of batches a few weeks ago and those turned out great. Tuesday night I tried out the rest of the flavors and that didn't turn out great. I'm going to toss them and start over. I tried doing it the way Alven told us he did it. Apparently that works for Hawaiian Ice Masters and not novices. I think I need more experience before I try it his way again.  That night Jay shaved some ice and we tried a bite full of all the flavors.  Some day if we become diabetic we'll probably blame it on this business venture.  You add 2 3/4 cups of sugar to 2 quarts of water.  Talk about a sugar rush!

Alven has called Jay a couple of times about some events in Illinois. I think he wants us to come because we could help each other out...his salty popcorn would draw in the customers for us. He is going to get back to us once he has more information. We have also got some events lined up for May and June. This should be an interesting summer for us. I think once we make our first million I'll quit my job and start selling it full time!!

Oh, just so you'll know we are selling Hawaiian Ice...not icees, not snow cones, it's a Hawaiian Ice trailer. There is a distinct difference according to Alven. With Hawaiian Ice you get a light fluffy product that has good flavor all the way through. So those of you who didn't know the difference - now you do!!!

Before pictures.  I wish I had gotten some inside pictures, but I don't think I did.










Here is the finished product.  Once we get the inside finished and cleaned up I'll post some of those pictures.



If anyone can think of a good name let me know.  I'll give you free drinks for a year!!!