Friday, January 14, 2011

And Finally it Hits….

Today I'm having a harder time with everything than I have up to this point. Today I am so sad for us and for everything that has happened this past year. Today I had to write a check to the clinic in KC for my last ultrasound from the transfer. That made me mad and so very sad. Then I keep thinking about everything with this last situation and the circumstances with the baby. The chances of everything that happened actually happening is very small…but still it happened. The chances of us being picked, when you consider all of the times our profile has been shown, was very small. Still we were the ones that somehow got the call. His mom wanted to bless the family that had waited the longest. Go figure. The only time that has happened since we because the longest waiting family.

I read in a Beth Moore devotional book about a year ago that we should thank God when we do go through these hard times because maybe He is using us to help glorify His name in the situation. We should feel honored that we are the one He saw fit to use. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Yes, it sounds wonderful, but in reality it sucks. I guess in a way even that makes me feel more sorry for myself…were we picked because we were the family that could handle the news better than any of the other families? And if that is the case why do we keep having to be the "strong" ones. There are plenty of other families waiting with BCS. Why couldn't it have been one of them? Why have Jay and I have to stand on either side of Cade's bed and listen to him ask God for a brother OR a sister (adding in that or was a big step for him but even he is frustrated by the wait) for years and years and now we have added the healing of Baby C and to help find him a family? I am really really trying to let this refine my faith and bring me closer to God and work out all of the junk in my life that God needs me to work and really trying not to complain and be thankful in all situations, but it is so hard. And it is awful. And I really wish I knew how much more stuff I need to get out and work on because it really doesn't feel like there is anything left in me at the moment.

I should've known this day would come. I really hadn't cried since last Friday. Yesterday I woke up and had a headache. I decided not to come into work. I never call in sick unless Cade is sick or I have the stomach flu. I will and (have worked) through any and all illnesses (including labor) except for the stomach flu (which thankfully is a very rare occurrence for me). So I sat in my jammies all day alternating from reading, napping, playing Bejeweled and watching Little House. Cade and Jay had a snow day so Cade stayed with me and Jay went to school to do some work. When Jay got home he said something about it not looking like I had moved all day. Cade said "the only times I've seen her move are to go to the bathroom". I did have to correct him – I made lunch. All of that should have been a clue that I needed to deal with some issues because it is extremely unlike me to do any of that. It all became very apparent to me at lunch today when I got the sauce from my Subway sandwich all over my shirtsleeve. I had been writing out a couple of checks (one was the above mentioned one to the fertility clinic) so I didn't unwrap my sandwich right away which made it leak everywhere – all over the napkins and eventually onto my sleeve. That seemed to be the unleashing event. I had tears in my eyes and my napkins were sticky and soggy but I didn't want to get up and ask for more napkins because I didn't not know what might happen. I had to make do with what I had. Then the sticky on my sleeve seemed to grow and I was transferring it to other parts of my body. And I was trying not to all out loose it at the Subway. I think I even had a snot bubble at one point…or it couldn't been the Sweet Onion sauce. I'm not sure. Yes, lunchtime was a hoot today. I had to have brought the mood level down quite a bit in that 12x12 area.

I know that I have to take comfort in knowing that God has a plan and this will turn out better than I ever dreamed of asking Him for. But at this point I have to wonder if we will be adopting the baby that turns out to be President or cure cancer or something. It is going to have to be something big…very very big J

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Hey! Just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you right now and for the baby who will be yours someday. xo