Appointment Update

After some confusion yesterday afternoon about who had what and where it was being faxed I finally got my official results from the NEDC. My lining was really thick. There is some concern about it. I have been rescheduled for another ultrasound tomorrow at 11. Hopefully this will resolve on it's own and won't cause any more problems. Sometimes I'm anxious about it, but mostly I try to remember it's out of our hands. There is nothing I can do about it, there's nothing I could've done differently. I have no control over this. And, if there is going to be a problem with any of this we would rather know now instead of the ultrasound on the 15^th or even worse…once I get to Knoxville.

So back to Olathe we go tomorrow. When we went to Disneyland in December we flew out of KC, but before then I can't even remember the last time we were in the KC area. Now I'm going twice in one week. Kind of funny!

Hot Flashes and Emotions…

I think Friday night I started experiencing my first symptoms from the Lupron. That would've been 7 days after the first injection so I'm guessing that would be about right?? Cade played his last ever Coach's Pitch baseball game. We lost the first game Friday night so our season was over, but we ended up 3^rd so that's not bad. While I was watching them line up to tell the other team good game I had that sad feeling like it was the end of something, but I held it back. We sent Cade home with Sharon because we had a rodeo event going on last weekend. Jay and I drove back to the event and found out it was a bust. Lyle and Jania had very willingly volunteered to work it for us and they had sold 6 while we were gone. We decided to close up and go out to eat. We hoped that Saturday would be better.

On the way to eat I told Jay I was sad because this was Cade's last game, then I started crying. Next year we will be in big baseball. Then while we were eating I kept tearing up. I think the Lupron mixed with the stress that fertility procedures put on a person did me in. I kept thinking about Cade's last game and would we ever get to experience this phase again with another one? We've had so much fun with Cade and we would like to have another chance someday. Then I don't know if this made me laugh or cry, but if we are ever blessed to experience this with another child at least we won't have to worry about who's going to work the ice stand. Cade will be at least 17 when we would have an 8 year old in baseball… No more begging friends/family to help us out!!

Saturday I thought I felt a little better. I went to Republic to get groceries and decided to grab something to eat. Fast food didn't sound good so I decided on Pizza Hut. While I was eating I started crying…for no reason. It was so awful and embarrassing. I had one napkin that was covered in pizza sauce and tears. I couldn't seem to get control. I texted my friend Shelley who's been through this stuff before. She said it was definitely the Lupron. Finally I got myself together enough that I could pay and get the heck out of there. No less then three Pizza Hut employees asked me if the food was ok. I should've told them No, I was really craving Canadian Bacon and Pineapple and there was none!! I really wish I would've thought of that sooner….

I told Jay about my Pizza Hut experience while we were on the way to Saturday night's rodeo event. He seemed to be horrified. He said the next time I felt like that maybe I should think about going through a drive thru. The problem was I had no idea it was going to happen. Definitely one of the weirder things I've ever experienced.

Then Sunday I got to experience my first hot flash. We were killing some time before going to the Schlitterbahn Waterpark in KC, by walking around a mall. All of a sudden I had this hotness just explode from the inside out. It was like a fire spreading up my back. Jay's always hot so I asked him if the mall was warm. He said it wasn't. It was all me. You know how sometimes you see older women wearing skimpy tops and you think to yourself that they really don't need to be wearing that? Now I know why they do. It's because they are so hot they think they are going to be incinerated on the spot. Totally understand where they are coming from now.

I should have about 10 more Lupron shots left. I think my last one is 7/8. My ultrasound was yesterday and I'm still waiting to hear from the clinic. Once I hear from them I get to start the Estrace. So I'll be taking Lupron to kill the hormones and Estrace to put estrogen back in my system. My body won't know which way is up by the time I'm done with all this stuff!

Baseball

Baseball is finally wrapping up this week. Not sure if it's the added activity of the Icebox, the extreme heat, or all my medication, but this season has seemed long. This week we've gone to Stockton every night except Monday. Stockton is a long drive for us, close to an hour from the time we leave our house. It seems so far away! Especially when you play a 6:00 pm game so the whole drive you already dreading the heat that you are going to be sitting in. Tuesday night we played at 6. I've never seen so many red faced sweaty children in all my life. We pulled a win out, but it was close. Last night we got beat but there is still a chance we could be in the championship. BUT we have to win both games tonight. At least it's not nearly as humid as it was Tuesday so maybe the kids will do better?

I can't think of any good stories from this season. You can tell the kids have matured since we started this the year before they went into 1^st grade. We didn't have anyone pee on the base during practice, Cade isn't hounding us before during and after the game for a ring pop, there hasn't been a lady with a shiny pail full of gumballs, etc. They are older and more into the game and honestly it's not nearly as entertaining! I kind of miss those days of it being utterly chaotic. I don't think the bench coach has nearly the time Jay had the year he did it. The kids actually know when they are up to bat now.  Also, the kids who used to annoy me don't any more.  I think maybe they are growing up.  That even makes me a little sad....well not that sad.

Cade has really improved this year, so that's been fun to watch. He is so serious when he's on base. He looks like a real baseball player. I've got pictures that I need to post. He looks pretty handsome in his official pictures. And he looks grown up. Makes me a little teary….oh wait, that's the hormones.

Cancellation...

Saturday night Jay wanted to take Cade, Buttons and Ruby to a show in Republic.  I had to go to Springfield that afternoon to buy 75# of sugar so I was going to meet them there.  About the time I left Springfield it started clouding up.  When Jay got about half way between home and Republic is started pouring, then hailing.  It rained hard on us for about an hour.  This all happened about 5pm that night, but the show wasn't until 7pm.  For some reason they decided to cancel it.  By 7pm though it was back to being sunny and hot.  It was disappointing for everyone.  I'd say Jay was the most disappointed, but then I think about it from Buttons and Ruby's perspective....they were taken from their surroundings, washed with cold water from the hose, loaded on a trailer, drove through pounding sheets of rain and hail all to sit in a McDonald's parking lot while we ate then they were hauled back home and turned out.  I'm sure they were very confused!

I snapped this picture of Cade because he looked kind of pittiful sitting there eating his ice cream cone.  He was all dressed up with no place to go! 

Also, I've mentioned Skyler Sanders on this blog several times the last couple of years.  He is the 8 year old battling the brain tumor.  I used to work with his dad.  Please keep Skyler and his family in your prayers.  I can't imagine what they are going through. I really don't know what else to say.....you can check out his website at http://www.skylersanders.com/    

 

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Embryo Update

Friday was a big day for us….a big, big day.

We already knew that we were supposed to get the e-mail containing basic information on the embryos available this cycle. Friday morning I got a phone call that the e-mail wouldn't go through on my work mail so they faxed them. It was agonizing waiting for the 55 pages to start coming through on our outdated fax machine. The fax machine worked so slow I was able to read them as they were coming though so I could let Jay know what stack to put them in. After they were all finally in our hands we went into my office and made our decision in about 10 minutes. Really there wasn't much to decide between on any of them. Probably the main thing that we had agreed on was that we wanted Caucasian embryos. We have been open to adopting other races, but I really didn't want to give birth to a baby of a different race. Since we live in a small town it would be known that I was pregnant, but you know not everyone would get the 'memo' that we had adopted the embryos. I'm sure there would be a few stories going around once they saw me carrying around a Hispanic/Asian/Black child. That's not an issue either of us felt like facing or putting on a child.

Once we got sorted through the races, there wasn't much left that mattered to us. We ended up picking 4 different genetic couples. The reasons why we placed one #1 was because they were the tallest and #4 because the female was older (which means older eggs). I fired the e-mail back to the clinic requesting those 4 donor numbers. Jay left and I went back to work. A few minutes later I got an e-mail back saying three of our four were already reserved, we needed to pick more and quickly. I grabbed our sheets and just started scanning the ones still available. There was no time for input from Jay, not that it would've mattered, I just had to pick. It wouldn't have mattered because there were only about 4-6 more genetic families that were even a possibility. I just had to pull them out and go with them. We weren't disappointed or anything, because at this point it really didn't matter to us when it came down to characteristics. We ended up with 5 different genetic families with a total of 6 embryos. The clinic requires 6 embryos because they don't usually all survive the thawing process. In about two weeks we'll get a more comprehensive health history on the embryos we have chosen.

Later that afternoon I got a call from the clinic nurse. The transfer date has been set for July 21, which meant I had to start the Lupron Saturday. I'm also scheduled for an ultrasound at a fertility clinic in Olathe, Ks next Monday. Jay has given me two of the Lupron shots and so far it's going ok. The first one I didn't even feel, but it stung afterwards. Last nights hurt going in, but didn't sting afterwards. So who knows??? Once the NEDC gets the ultrasound results I'll get the clearance to start Estrace. I'll go back on July 15 for another ultrasound and then we will leave for Knoxville on Sunday the 18^th.

We are finally on the road with all of this. We are just praying that this works for us. For some reason Cade has been talking more and more about having a baby…what would this be like or that be like. Saturday I told him he was my Favortist Boy in the whole world. He asked if he would be my favortist if he had a brother. I explained that he would be the favortist big brother and the other would be my favortist younger brother. Cade said "I'd rather just have a girl".

Restless

I am so restless right now. Even though our lives are so hectic in the evenings, I'm restless. I guess I'm just so ready for something to happen. Our profile hasn't been shown in over a month, I'm back and forth on my excitement about the embryo adoption, work is really slow right now, I'm ready for a vacation, etc. If things would pick up at work that would help me a lot, but more than likely that's not going to happen. Farmers are too busy right now to think about loans…they are mowing hay, harvesting wheat and planting beans. They tend to think about loans in the spring, fall and winter rather than the summer. That makes for some long days in the office, especially when it's sunny outside and you know that your husband and son are just a few miles away.

I'm also conflicted. What do I want to do? Where do I want to fit in? I had a doctors appointment last week. For some lucky reason I always end up there on OB day. There is never another woman in the waiting room who doesn't appear to be pregnant…except for me. The other years I brushed it off. It didn't bother me. I made my peace about never being pregnant again years ago. I gained 50 pounds with Cade and was more tired than I had ever been in my entire life so it was a pretty easy transition. This year I had a harder time sitting in the waiting room. I had brought a book so I tried to read, but I didn't get very far. All I could think of was where will I fit in? Will I be back in a few months for an OB visit? If don't come back for another year will it be ok because I will finally be an adoptive mom? Will I come back year after year as another casualty of infertility who never had their longings for another child fulfilled? It was a rough day. I had to go buy some cute beaded necklaces as a reward for making it through that horror once I left the office.

In my mind I go back and forth on the outcome of the transfer. I either think that it's not going to work or I'm going to end up with triplets. I can't seem to come to a happy medium in my thoughts. I also think a lot about going in for the blood test after the transfer. How will I handle hearing the nurse say it's negative? Would it be better for me to just plan on using a sick day so I can be home when I get the news? How will I handle the stuff that we have going on after the transfer….cattle shows and Icebox events. Will I be able to make it through all of that stuff without having a breakdown? I know I'm letting my mind get way ahead of where it should be, but it's hard not to.

When we go in for the transfer the end of July we will be at the 5 year "anniversary" of all of this stuff. Some parts seem so long and other parts seem to have gone quickly. I remember how I felt in those early days and am glad I didn't know how long it was going to last. I don't know that I would've made it, knowing I had at least 5 more years ahead of me. Sunday while we were eating lunch, out of the blue, Cade said he wished we had a 4^th person in our family. He was tired of the empty chair. He hasn't said much about having a brother or sister in quite awhile, but this weekend he said several things that took me back. When he said that Sunday it was hard, especially considering when I went to set the table that day I had grabbed 4 forks. I wondered why I continued to do dumb things like that to myself???

I don't think we have any intentions of quitting any of this any time soon, but we are getting weary. I was thinking yesterday that it is about time to update our homestudy. It wears me out to think about it. I can't stand the thought of scheduling those fingerprints for the fourth time. The fourth time!!! Or filling out all of that paperwork dissecting where every penny we make during the month is spent (ok, mostly that alone is depressing enough). Or preparing for yet another social worker to come and check out us and our house. I know when the time comes if we have to do it I will, but I don't want to. I really, really don't want to have to go through all that again. Did I mention it would be the FOURTH time?

These are all the thoughts I'm mulling over now and I haven't even started the medication. What is life going to be like when I start the Lupron? Maybe a medically induced menopause will give me some other things to think about…like how crazy I will become when I really am menopausal.

Moving Forward...

Finally it seems like things are moving forward with the embryo adoption. I've been pretty antsy the last few days because I was just ready to get started on something, anything! Today we got an e-mail telling us that the genetic profiles of the available embryos will be e-mailed to us on Friday somewhere between 10-12 eastern time. So that means around 9-11 our time we will be picking out our potential children. Isn't that a weird thought??


From what they have told us, we will get basic information on each of the genetic parent...age, race, height, weight, blood type, eye color, hair color, hair type, skin tone (fair, medium, dark), body build (small, medium, large), education, occupation, and ethnic background. We will also know what stage the embryo was frozen - blastocysts, 2PN, or multicells. From what they told us, it really doesn't matter what stage the embryos were frozen in. It doesn't have much of an impact on the success rate. What is important is that we have to have 3 choices and they all have to be at the same stage. That will probably make it a little more tricky. AND it's on a first come, first served basis. Who ever gets their e-mail back to the clinic first will get those embryos.

Our hopes are to scan the list on Friday and be able to quickly make a decision. Jay and I have always been good at quick decision making. We aren't the types to mull something over for days, going back and forth and back again. I hope that is a plus for us in this process. We really won't have the luxury of thinking and over thinking this. Also, being in the adoption process for so long has also helped with this. When you get an e-mail about a cold call and have to make a split second decision so there is no time for wishy-washy behavior. You have to say yes or no quickly. Hopefully 2 years and 7 months of this process has prepared us for this! We are praying that the ones that are supposed to be ours kind of jump out at us and we just know those are the ones.

So we are on the move with this process. I'm ready to get going with it. I can't say that I'm excited about it, just because after so many years you know not to get excited, but I'm ready to move forward. Ready to see if this may be what we are finally supposed to be doing? Out of the blue Friday night Cade told me he wished I was pregnant. I really, really hope this works.


  

Oh The Country Life...

Changing pastures from the rented ground to our house.  Led the calves about a mile down the road.  Jay needs to "prepare" them for a show next weekend.  Jay's truck had to go to the shop (wheel bearing was out, YEAH for us!!!) so he improvised.  Good exercise and good practice for all parties involved!

I think I'm going to recall this as the summer I sweated more than any other summer in my life.

For those days it's a little quiet around the office.....

A few weeks ago I discovered this website.  Now every day I have to check it out to see the latest pictures posted.  It's a good site to browse on days when things are a little slow or you need a good laugh.  It's Awkward Family photos.  What's sad is I know there are some lurking around of my family when Charity and I were on vacation that would fit in on this site.  Of course none of mine and Jay's are this bad..ha ha.  The site is http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

Here are some of my personal favorites...

Swingtown   
Chairman of the Board....Why???
The Faceoff...One of my all time favorites.  Is it daughter/mother or daughter-in-law/mother-in-law?
Stepped Right In It
Scary....Again I ask Why???
Best In Show...This one didn't strike me until I read the caption.  Then I struggled to keep from laughing out loud.  I think I laughed so hard I cried.

Hope you all have as good of a time as I do laughing at other peoples pictures!

Oh, I also want to apologize for the typos in my last few posts.  I do know how to type and I do know how to spell.  It's that my internet connection can't keep up with my brain and my fingers.  Very irritating!!

Lawrence County Youth Fair

I've got several posts of pictures.  I had a lot I needed to update so make sure you scroll down to see...

Nana and Granddad's Anniversary
Easter
Ash Grove Show

I had some problems getting some of the pictures off of the camera so that's why I'm posting the anniversary and Easter 2 1/2 months later!
The Youth Fair was this past weekend and Cade once again had the heaviest pen of birds.  They weighed in at 24.80 pounds for a pen of three.  This year though Jay Cade got beat by one of Jay's students.  Cade was ok with it because he still got a buckle and a ribbon.  He had a dream that week that he got 2nd place so I think that helped him to be ok with it.

This is also our last year in Clover Kids.  Next year Cade will be able to sell his chickens at the sale and show the cattle.  Jay is glad because he's looked forward for this for years.  I will be glad because we spend a lot of time talking about the fact Cade can't do much at the fair in the time leading up to it.  Lawrence County is pretty strict on it's rules. The other places aren't so that's how we've been able to take him to the other shows in the area.   

Today our 17 chickens are being slaughtered.  Actually by now they should be about ready to pick up.  I have no idea where we are going to keep these frozen birds.  I think I know what we will be eating at every major even this year!  I'm so glad we are done with these birds.  I'm always glad to see Cade win something but I get tired of the electric bill from running the heating lamps and fans non-stop. 

The tradition before the show...washing chickens and using a shop vac to dry them.  Good times Good times.

An irritated wet chicken

Last night we watched the video and there was a shot of Cade just like this.  Last night he told us he was so nervous at that moment.  He was afraid he was going to get beat.  Not sure that's quite healthy for an 8 year old....

Notice the fan on top of the pen?  Yeah, we were the only ones who had one.  Jay is just a touch obsessed with this chicken show.  When he got into bed after midnight Saturday night he was already talking about next years modifications to the chicken pen.  And I'm the one who is blamed for being OCD???

The proud Reserve Grand Champion winner.

Ash Grove Show

Our first show of the "showing" season was Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend.  Jay loaded up Buttons and Ruby and we all headed to the metropolis of Ash Grove, Mo. 

For those of you needing a recap, here is a rundown of our current livestock...

Buttons - He's our first calf born from an embryo transfer.  He was a year old in February and is turning out to be a good show bull.  His real name is Anticipation, but Cade nicknamed him Buttons because he was born with horns.

Ruby - She is a heifer that Papa Jim got for Cade last fall.  She is not quite a year old yet so she is the perfect size for Cade to show this year.  Buttons is a little big for Cade to handle, but Ruby is just his size.  Cade came up with Ruby's name.

Jewels - She is Button's full genetic sister.  She was also transferred to the same cow, Sally, that raised Buttons.  Jewels was born in February (2 days after the failed adoption) and she will be what Cade will show this fall and next year.  Cade also came up with Jewels...but to say it right you have to really draw out the first part of the word...Ju...els. So far she is showing a lot of potential, or at least that's what I've been told.

  This is Ruby.  See how she is a good size for Cade.

This is a little tykes show...aren't they cute.

Cade and Ruby in the Little Tykes show

Ruby in breed show. She won her class.

Cade and Buttons.  Jay hung around to make sure he didn't get too wild.  Buttons won his class and then won Grand Champion Hereford Bull.

Easter 2010

Easter 2010 was pretty typical of most Easter's since Cade was born...except for one big thing..IT WAS WARM.  For the first time in years I could wear a summer dress and not shiver to death!  It turned out to be a beautiful day. 

Every year the men in our church start fixing breakfast somewhere around 6:00 am.  The rest of us get there about 8:00.  The women get to enjoy a meal that we didn't have to prepare!  The men also do the clean up.  It's a good deal all around for the girls!

After a great church service we headed to Sheldon for lunch.  We also celbrated my dad's 61st Birthday and the kids hunted eggs.  This was the first time in Cade's 8 years (except his first Easter at 1.5 weeks old) that it was acturally warm enough to be outside.  It was a nice day! 

I guess they spotted an egg under the car.  Cade went for it in his good shirt and slacks.  This may be why that was the first pair of slacks I've bought for him in awhile....

Nana and Granddad's 60th Anniversary

Nana and Granddad celebrated their 60th Anniversary with a party the day before Easter.  We all went to Fayetteville for the day to help them celebrate.  It was a good day to honor a marriage thats lasted through 6 decades, 4 children, 7 grandchildren, 5 great-grandchildren and (I'm sure) many ups and downs. Hope you both had a great day! 

Beautiful flowers sent from the kids who couldn't be there

Daughters Sharon and Mary, along with Hill's sister Rita and her son

Cade and his cousin Josh

Catch Up

I’ve started posts on here a million times and I don’t get them finished. Things are hectic around our household right now. Cade’s ball games are in full swing – we play every Monday and Thursday nights. After the games we head to The Icebox to take over for whoever is working for us that evening. The other days of the week (except Wednesday’s and Sunday’s ) are spent also working at the stand. At least we can’t say we didn’t spend any time together as a family this year!

So far The Icebox seems to be doing a pretty steady business. There are nights it seems like we didn’t make many but we’re usually surprised when we get home and count the money. I’m definitely not going to be quitting my job anytime soon, but it is helping to make a dent in the amount we’ll have to send to the NEDC the first part of July. Jay says he’s developing some “regulars” in the afternoon. If there is an increase in the number of cavities at school next year it will be because of us!

Another plus to working in the stand is that you sweat. A lot. I have not sweat that much in quite some time. I’m working tonight and tomorrow night. Today it’s close to 90 and tomorrow they are calling for 95. If I wear a tank top made out of synthetic material under my shirt maybe I’ll sweat a little more and loose some inches? Ha Ha. The only problem is I rehydrate myself with Hawaiian Ice – not sure if that’s going to help me any.

Cade is doing pretty well with baseball this season. I’ve been bad about forgetting my camera so I don’t have any pictures BUT he scored a home run last night. Jay and I haven’t said anything about it being due to errors made by the other team. We’re just calling it a home run and moving on. He was pretty excited .

I’m not sure he’s a 100% thrilled with being at the stand in the evenings. He’s got a friend that lives beside the Icebox so they play together some. Cade (like most kids) is all or nothing. Either he’s devastated because Colby isn’t home and he has no one to play with or he’s having so much fun that he is upset when it’s time for us to go home. Since we aren’t leaving until about 9:30 pm Jay and I are usually more than ready to get out of there!

Jay is busy trying to raise his gigantic chickens for our county fair. Thankfully that is this weekend and we can get rid of the finicky things. We’ll get the chickens butchered after the fair and then they’ll cause a whole new issue….Where does a person put 17 frozen 7 to 10 pound birds when their summer business requires them to have a million tubs of water frozen in the freezer at all times? We’ll all be glad when the fair is over.

Jay’s also been working with Cade and Buttons and Cade’s heifer Ruby getting them started on the show circuit. Our first show was last weekend. Ruby won her class, but Buttons ended up winning the show. We were very proud of Cade because he led Buttons around with just a little help from Jay. Jay was in there with them, but I think it was mostly for moral support and bull control incase Buttons lost his mind. Buttons is no longer that cute little calf – he’s a big bull. We’ve got several shows lined up for this summer including Ozark Empire and the State Fair. Yeah!! At least we have friends who reserve several rooms in Sedalia during the State Fair – we get to have one of the rooms so I’m not dreading it as much as I used to.

That pretty much is a summary of everything that’s going on right now. Next week I’ll try to post pictures of the show and let everyone know how the embryo process is going.