What has happened since...

Without really talking about it Jay and I knew we had to get ourselves back to normal very quickly for Cade's sake.  We left our hotel in Pacific at 5am Saturday morning to make it to Jasper by 10 for his first basketball game.  We made it just a few minutes before it started.  I feel that we both handled everything pretty well.  I did tear up once when I heard Lawson giggle....Jay said that when he looked at the bi-racial boy on Cade's team it made him wonder what Baby C would look like when he grew up.  I know we will have our moments for awhile but it hasn't been as overwhelmingly devastating as it was last time.

Last time I was angry.  I was so so angry at the state of Illinois and DFS.  This time I'm not angry because there is nothing to be angry about.  It is just a sad situation.  Sad for everyone involved, but mostly for the baby and his family.

After reflecting on the whole situation for a week I can see some things that I'm thankful for and that I can see God's hand in...

• The fact we didn't rush up there Thursday.
• That we went on as normal for the two nights before we went to meet him, that made it easier to get back to normal when we got home.
• That even though we have thought the whole time we've been in the process of adoption we had hoped to do it in "secret", but that has never worked out.  I'm not sure that it ever would with a school age child and cattle.  But both times I know we wouldn't have survived if we hadn't had the prayers of our close friends and family that knew what was going on.
• A new appreciation for what birth families go through.  They leave their child at the hospital after knowing them for 9 months.  We had a hard time leaving him there after 10 minutes.
• A new respect for families of sick kids.  Again, after knowing him for 10 minutes we had to listen to doctors tell us what was wrong with him.  We only had to make a decision on what we were going to do.  I can't imagine having to listen to doctors tell you something that important when you are numb and then have to make a decision concerning your child's treatment plan.
• An even bigger appreciation for those called to adopt kids with special needs.

Even though Baby C's time with our family was very short, we will never forget him.  Cade prays for him every night - that he will get well and that the agency will find a family.  I know there are several who may hear our story and wonder what is wrong with us.  Or they may think our long wait has been because we only want a "healthy white baby", which is so far from the truth.  I know that those who really know us know that isn't the case.  I have no idea why our wait has been so long or why things have been so painful.  I read about adoption stories all the time that seem so easy.  We aren't those people for reasons we don't know and don't understand.  But it is the way it is.  God has a plan for all of us so we have to take comfort in that.

Also, please don't hesitate to ask us about Baby C.  I think it will be more hurtful to us if people forget about him or don't bring him up because they think it will upset us. Especially our families. Anyone who goes through an adoption loss knows that you never forget about them.  You don't think about them all the time but still they were a part of your life.  He was a part of our family, even for a short while, and we want everyone to keep him in their prayers. 

We did get an update on him today.  There are some families who God called to adopt special need kids.  I thank God for those people.  They did find out he has a rare recessive disorder that doesn't allow him to break down a certain protein.  Even though they have him on meds he is not showing much improvement.  The doctors are baffled by this little boy.  Please, please keep him in your prayers.