Infertility and the Dentist

I actually typed this post right before we found out about Baby C.  It was going to auto post on the 10th, the day of my appointment, but with all the crappy adoption stuff going on I took it off.  Since today I have an update to the appointment I thought I'd post it.  I'll update at the end....

Over the last 67 months of our journey through infertility I've discovered a reminder that is almost as bad as my yearly check-ups with the GYN…..a trip to the dentist. I sometimes wondered if I was alone in my hatred of visiting the dentist because it is a little weird. How can someone looking in your mouth prompt those feelings of infertility? After all it is in totally different areas and why would someone poking at my gums bother me? Then I read on two separate infertility blogs about how much they hate going to the dentist so I felt better. It made me feel not as crazy knowing that I'm not alone.

So today I am visiting the dentist. I guess that would make like my 11^th trip to the dentist since we started all of this stuff (give or take an appointment). So you are probably wondering what the big deal is with going to the dentist…Let me try to explain in a few words…X-rays and medication list….

At the beginning it never failed that my dentist appointments would coincide with exactly one week in to the two week wait. Was I pregnant? At that point it is too early to test, but an x-ray could still do a lot of damage to a developing embryo. What to do??? The first year I opted out of the x-ray. The dentist got his pants in a wad and wouldn't let it drop when I refused the x-ray. I finally had to announce that I could be pregnant. That got him to leave me alone. When I left the hygienist told me "good luck". It was tons of fun going back in 6 months later with my belly as flat as it was at the last visit.

Six months after that I had to reschedule my appointment. When you reschedule they stick you with a different hygienist. At least I didn't have to face the same one that a year ago I had announced to that I may be pregnant. I could escape that horror – except I was currently on clomid. I had to confess to a new person all the medication I was taking. Yes, I was so tempted to not mention it, but then that worried me. What if mixing fluoride and clomid created some toxic environment in my body and I died in the dental exam chair? I thought the chances of that not happening were about 99.9% in my favor, but did I really want to mess with that .01%? I mentioned it and then that started the whole infertility discussion. Fun thing to talk about with hands stuck in your mouth. Then six months later I got to go back to the same person. She looked at my chart and said she was sorry the clomid didn't work, but she had some uncle's brother who sisters sister-in-law's great great niece had the same thing happen to them and they finally got pregnant. I was thinking - Uhm, thanks for that awesomely encouraging story I'm sure the exact same thing will happen to me. But instead of saying that I spouted out my normal response to those stories (with a smile on my face) Yes, you just never know what will happen. We will just keep waiting.

After that trip I was finally past the 18 month mark of waiting. That seemed to be a turning point in the wait. I finally came to the realization that more than likely I was not pregnant each month. I was able to have several stress free appointments in a row. I let them x-ray and poke and prod all they wanted. It was win-win for everyone.

Then I went in November 2009. My gum on my two bottom front teeth is receding. They wanted me to call some oral surgeon to see about clipping the piece of skin that attaches my bottom lip to my gum. They thought that might help with the problem and buy me some time before I would need a tissue transplant. I could loose my bottom teeth if I don't do all of this. I left the dentist that day and never called about visiting the surgeon. I meant to, but then things happened and I didn't get it done. When I went in last May they asked me about it again. I pretended like I was going to do it. I asked for another card of the surgeon so they would leave me alone, but I knew I wasn't going to call. We had just gotten back from our first trip to Tennessee. I had no intentions of getting involved in anything else medically until we resolved this embryo thing. Clearly I hoped that at my November appointment I would be pregnant and they would leave me alone about my gums.

So that brings me to my November appointment. It was scheduled for the 22^nd. That was two days before the blood draw. I went back and forth on what to do with the appointment for several weeks. Finally I decided it would be best to reschedule it. I would have to tell them about the embryos and all the medication I was on. It was too emotionally draining explaining all of that to people who really didn't understand and it would be another bad reminder if 6 months later I went back looking the same as I did at the last appointment. So my rescheduled appointment is for today. I know I am not pregnant so I can have the x-rays. I guess maybe I will get another card for the surgeon and think about calling him….but I probably won't. There are some other things going on in our lives right now and I'm just not interested in dealing with this. Hopefully this weird feeling in my bottom right tooth is mental and not because the gum seems to be getting lower….

So there is a little more insight into the life and times of a person dealing with infertility. Since I rescheduled my appointment I will probably be with someone I've never seen before. I hope enough time has passed and all of that other history is covered up so maybe they won't know everything we have been through. But then again I don't know if that's good….because they always ask how many kids do I have….then I get the comment "well, it's time for another one". Maybe I can pretend I don't hear them over the noise of the spit sucker????

***update - The tingling feeling in my bottom tooth is not my imagination.  The gum has receded more and my tooth is loose.  I finally broke down today and called the specialist.  I'm going next Wednesday for a consult.  I'm afraid I'm past just needing the skin clipped and will probably need a graft.  Yipee!  Also, the hygienist that day was one I'd never seen before.  So she had no idea about my history.  And in keeping with my luck she was very excited because on Friday (the same day we were in St. Louis with Baby C) she had an ultrasound and found out she was having a girl.  She was not even showing so I would've escaped without ever knowing that fact if she hadn't volunteered it.  I just smiled and said congratulations.  One of these days it will turn around...

End of an Era

Last Friday was a significant day in my life. It was the last day that I'd sit alone in my chair in this office. I knew that on Monday Sandra would start and the countdown to my departure would really begin. I don't know why, but I had a huge feeling of a chapter closing in my life. I don't remember feeling this way when I transferred to this office, but I have been here 7 years. It's the longest I've ever worked in one place in my life. It's hard to believe that I've been here 7 years....well at least it is until you sit in my chair. I pulled up a newer less sat in chair Monday and discovered that I've really flattened out my regular chair.

I don't know if I feel so much like a chapter is closing because I've experienced a lot while working here. I transferred here 6 weeks before Cade was born and I came to work while in labor. I'll never forget two of the customers I worked with that day. I got all my parenting advice from Sandra when Cade was a baby in this office. She had a boy 6 weeks older than Cade so we talked through a lot of things. I spent many days trying to keep from falling asleep at my desk because Cade didn't sleep the night before. I spent some time on the computer researching various infertility things once it was apparent we had a problem. Then I switched to reading about adoption. It was at the office that it first hit me that I wanted to adopt. I've fielded phone calls of all kinds here from the person who wanted to buy miniature Herefords to the one from my mom saying Mamma was being taken from home to the hospital by ambulance. She never got to come back home.

I've enjoyed my time here, but it is time for a change. I am a little nervous about the new job because it will be different than what I've done the last 7 years, but I'm ready for it. I will have to get used to the quirks of new co-workers and new customers but I'm sure I can handle it. The fact that the drive home will be less than 10 minutes will make up for just about anything else.

Jay and I aren't the only ones who is excited, so is Cade. On Sunday Jay and I were talking about Sandra starting on Monday and Cade wanted to know what we were talking about. I explained that Sandra would take my job so I could move to Mt Vernon. Cade got really excited, actually more excited than I expected. I asked him if he was glad I was getting to move and he said "yes, now when we go out to eat we'll be able to go quicker." I can see where his priorities are.

Struggles of Infertility

With everything that’s happened with Skyler and Colby this summer I feel guilty about this post. My problems are nothing compared to what these two little boys and their families have gone through. But this blog is about our journey to and through adoption including our infertility. - which means all of the good and all of the bad. I try to keep things light hearted and as funny as I can, but I also don’t want to ignore that other part of this, which is infertility. If I don’t touch on infertility occasionally I feel like I’m doing a disservice to myself and to the millions of other couples going though it.

I’ll be honest – I’m going though a very rough patch right now. The roughest I have been though in months. Since February things had gotten so much better. I had even posted earlier in the summer that I was doing ok, I was pretty content with where we were at in our lives. So this rough patch snuck up out of nowhere and has kind of blindsided me.

In the last three years I’ve done a lot of thinking and a lot of analyzing and last year I discovered this time of year was hard. There are several reasons that have contributed to that
· We officially decided we were ready for another baby around our vacation time in 2005. While vacations are nice, it’s another reminder that another one has come and gone and were still dealing with infertility
· We’ve been contacted by our agency that we need to update our homestudy, which includes fingerprinting and filling out financial information. I went to the big Picnic last weekend and saw several girls who were like 5 years old when I graduated walking around pregnant with #1, some even #2. I don’t think they had to be fingerprinted or account for every dollar they spend each month like Jay and I have to.
· Our first miscarriage happened Thanksgiving Day 2006. If I had stayed pregnant that baby would’ve been born in August. I should be having a 1st birthday party, not hunting down the balance of every account that we have. I won’t even get started on what the thought of Thanksgiving does to me. That's another post for another time
· Cade starts school. I always have in the back of my mind – Is this the first and last time I have a child starting XX grade?

Even though I don’t think about all of this on a daily basis it’s like my body knows. Last year it was like my body knew something wasn’t right. I went through a pretty rough time until I figured it out. I don’t know or care what experts in the field of grief might say – my heart knew I should’ve had a baby last August and my heart hurt. This month has also been a little tougher because I’ve had a kidney infection for most of the month and that really had me physically down. When I went to the doctor for it last week he also started talking about my blood pressure (which is high) and the weight gain I’ve had the last three years. I left the doctors office not only with my antibiotic but also a prescription for a weight loss drug and feeling totally frustrated and confused about what I should do.

So here I am – frustrated, depressed, angry, irritable –emotions that infertility brings out in all their glory. I’m back to avoiding every pregnant woman and baby section that I come across. I’ve been at a work conference the last few days and there was a pregnant person there and I completely ignored her the whole time. Last weekend we ran into some old college friends and they had a new baby that I didn’t know about. I physically could not speak to them. I tried, but all I could get out were one syllable words, mostly answers to her questions. I’ve been angry and I’ve yelled to Jay (not at him) that we’re always waiting on it to be in God’s time so why is it time for every one else and never for us? Am I proud of my behavior? Of course not, but I want to be honest to myself and everyone else. This is hard. There’s no way around it. It is the way it is. This whole thing has been a roller coaster ride and there are times I’m up and there are times I’m down. This is a down time. I know it will turn around eventually, but this time it feels a little different. Early on in our infertility I could remind myself of our other options when I got down. Right now we have no other viable options. We are coming to the end of our road and we’re stuck at the bus stop waiting.

Last Day of School

This may end up being one of the “feel sorry for myself posts”. I’m not quite sure how it will end up, but right now I feel a little sad. Today is Cade’s last day of Kindergarten. I can’t believe that when I see him next, he’ll be a First Grader. I remember two years ago, when we’d reached that all important one year mark of trying to have another baby, saying how I was going to go buy myself a brand new Mustang on Cade’s first day of school. I couldn’t imagine sending my baby off without another baby at home. I honestly didn’t think it would happen, I thought we’d have a baby before that day. But if we didn’t I at least had a back up plan in mind – who wouldn’t feel better if they had a new car? Well I ended up getting a new car a couple of months before that, but it still wasn’t a Mustang and it wasn’t brand new and we still didn’t have a baby on his first day. Now here I sit, 9 months later and Cade is out of Kindergarten and we still don’t have another baby. I guess I never imagined it would go on for quite this long. I know there are people who wait much, much longer than we have – I just didn’t think we’d be one of those. (Now I’m sitting here at work tearing up typing on my computer. It’s a good thing Tom appears to be on a phone call that could take awhile. I can get control before he walks back in here.)

Ok, I had to go to the bathroom for a little while to collect myself. As I was coming out I heard my cell ringing. It was Jay, he had been at Cade’s end of the year BBQ. I really started crying then. A little later Tom came out to ask if I was ok. I told him I’m just being a mom because I’m sad it’s the last day of school. Of course since Tom is single and childless he knew exactly how to comfort me “yeah, before you know it he’ll be graduating” Uh, thanks for that reminder. I just hope we have a baby before that day comes. If not, I may have to take a leave of absence during Cade’s last month of school and be medicated during the graduation ceremony. I wish Sandra was here today – we’d be laughing and crying about this at the same time.

Ok, I have to stop typing now because I’m starting to cry again. Where’s someone with a funny story when you need them?

I'm 31 Today

I didn't catch that the post showed 3/17. I've changed it to 3/18 which is my birthday

Today is my 31st birthday. I haven’t given much thought to my birthday or my age this year. Last year the thought of turning 30 was a little traumatizing to me. People would tell me it’s not that bad, your only as old as you feel, etc. I did get a little irritated with the comments. No one realized how in my mind I had set goals for myself that I hoped to accomplish by the time I was 30 and one of those was to have our second child. To me turning 30 didn’t mean I was old, it meant by biological clock was ticking louder. A woman’s fertility does go down after 30 and it hadn’t been great at 28, so I knew it wasn’t going to be getting any better. I was having to totally change my mindset about what age was too old to have children. For me changing my mind about something like this is like getting Cade to hurry up in the mornings. It’s pretty much impossible. It also didn’t help that I took my first dose of Clomid that morning for my last round of fertility treatments. Cade also was turning 5 the next day, my baby would be old enough to start school. So for those of you who thought I was just worried about getting old, it was so much more than that. It was a point in my life where I had so much to be thankful for, but yet I was still missing something so huge. I was forcing my body to do something that it obviously didn’t want to do. I knew that Jay and I were soon going to not be the only main influences in Cade’s life, we would be sending him to the world of public school. He would be around kids who’s lives were very similar to his and some that were vastly different. My life was changing drastically and it just happened to all happen at the same time I turned 30…lucky for me. I guess I’m accustomed to the fact that Cade is in school and that we still don’t have a baby because I haven’t thought much about 31 (or Cade turning 6). I have reset my age of what is too old for us to have a baby, but that also isn’t black and white, there are shades of gray. At what age do we want to say is too old to adopt an infant? Is that the same age we think is too old to have a biological pregnancy? Once we reach that age if we still don’t have another child will be push the age out farther or decide we are a family of three? These are many of the things I never thought I’d think about into my thirties, but I am. Most of the time we try not to think about it, just take it one day at a time and enjoy what we have.

If your wondering if we're doing anything for my birthday tonight we aren't. We hadn't planned anything because Jay has a school thing this evening. It's turned out to be for the best because Jay and Cade are both sick. It looks like I'll be staying home with Cade tomorrow, his birthday. I've been fortunate that I haven't been sick when the two of them have gotten sick this school year. I hope that can continue until we at least get through Cade's party on Saturday. Jay and I are planning on going out Friday night to get Cade's present (a new bike just for you Leslie) and that will be my "celebration"

Visualizing

Do you ever visualize yourself doing things? Sometimes I try to look into the future and see if I see myself doing a particular thing. Right now a lot of my visualizing centers around being a stay at home mom. Six years ago I couldn't visualize very clearly, now I can. I can see almost every aspect of it except for two things, one being the money part. I was recently told by a good friend who quit her job after the first of the year that it really is ok - we spend what we make and if we don't make it we don't spend it. It's a good theory that she is putting to the test right now and seems to be doing great. I think for me to do this God is going to have to hit me over the head with it, like a big FOR SALE sign in the office window when I pull up one Monday morning.


The second thing I'm having a hard time visualizing is another child to be at home with. No matter how hard I try I can't see another baby in our house, I can't see another car seat in my car, I can't see another child laying beside Cade as we read and pray with them each night. J tells me I'm crazy because he can see it ( I don't know if I can trust it because my vision is better than his!) He reminds me that we couldn't visualize Cade in our lives before we had him. That's not totally true, he probably couldn't visualize it before because he never tried. He was a little more reluctant about having a baby when we did but God smacked him in the head with Cade. I could see myself going to the mall pushing a baby in a stroller or taking it for a walk. I could see it very clearly. Right now I just can't see me doing that with another baby. I wonder if it's just that my brain that is trying to protect my heart or if it's God way of preparing me for what is ahead. I just don't know.....I hope that I'm wrong about it. I do hope it's just me being pessimistic because there are days it feels like it is never going to happen. Even though we are signed up with an adoption agency there are no guarantees, there are couples who never get picked. We are still early in our adoption journey, we've only been waiting 4 1/2 months which is nothing. It's just when you add that onto the months we dealt with infertility it seems forever.

Cade must not be having a problem visualizing it either because he's always talking about when he gets a brother...... One day he said something about him and his brother both being 5 together. I told him that when his brother's 5 he will probably be 12. It took awhile for him to process it, but now I've heard him say it several times.....When I'm 12 and my brother's 5 we'll play Transformers etc. I so hope that I was close when I gave him that age difference. I do want him to have a brother (or sister) before he reaches an age of where he is too old to play with them the way that he can visualize himself doing now.

Ramblings from early morning....

I haven't been able to sleep the last few nights. I'm not sure why, but it's starting to get annoying. I was already awake, but it didn't help when our bed of 2 became a bed of 5 around 2:30 am. C came in with his stuffed penguin and dinosaur. I finally got tired of trying to fight Mr Dinosaur for a place in the bed so now I'm up. I have a boring meeting to sit through today so this is not going to be good.

I haven't been good about updating the blog so far this year, partly because things have been relatively quiet and then partly because work is so busy right now - I haven't had the time to try to make our day to day lives sound interesting. J's Grandmother did pass away two weeks ago. I hadn't said anything about that yet, not that we aren't missing her, but everyone who reads this blog already knew. The evening of her funeral we went through her pictures and I pulled out the ones she had of our family. She had some cute pictures of C that I hadn't seen before. I'm going to scan and post a few of them. I don't know which makes me sadder - how little C was or how thin I was! It's hard to believe we are approaching his 6th birthday. Where has the time gone?

Another thing that's going on is J's reached a point of frustration with some things right now. He's probably not going to like me typing that out for everyone to see, but it's part of the process. It's hard to say when you reach the point what caused it, is it the infertility, your job (we are going into his busiest time of the year), day to day frustrations, etc. It's like what came first - the chicken or the egg? But it can compound until the point of where you feel like you're doing nothing but beating your head against a wall. Things will turn around, they always do, but sometimes it's just so frustrating. I hate it because I know how he feels, I know that feeling of frustration so well because I've been there many times over the past almost 3 years. For me to have these cycles are nothing new, but it is different for J to have them. You hate to see anyone, especially loved ones, go through these times. So what do we do in these times....last night we played two competitive rounds of Memory. C just amazes me with that game. Once I turn my cards back over I can't even remember what they were. He on the other hand plays with his toys, watches commercials and just goofs around and he still can easily get matches. We all were close last night, but I think J won both games with C coming in second. I've just resigned myself to the fact that there is no way this almost 31 year old can keep up with an almost 6 year old at Memory.

Infertility, Holidays, Sundays and Trust

Clarification before you read this post:There is a difference between infertility and adoption. We are going to grow our family through adoption, but the fact that we are infertile will always be with us. I really have to no desire to be pregnant again, but being infertile means I can't expand my family at will. When I talk about infertility I'm talking about the frustration that comes with the lack of control I have over the size of my family. I am not saying in any way that I'm upset because we are adopting rather than having a biological child.

Infertility, Holidays and Sundays - each one of these things are hard to take for a person going though infertility. When you combine them all into one, it can make a day almost impossible to get through. When you add in other issues that a person could also be going though it can make those days a nightmare. Yesterday was one of those days for me. The infertility/failure feelings surfaced full force yesterday. They had been simmering all last week so I guess it was time. Hopefully I can take my ramblings and tie them into a coherent post by the end.

My feelings of infertility and failure are always worse on Sundays. Most would think that going to church and being close to God would make those days better, but it doesn't. I'm more aware of my infertility at church than anywhere else. The feelings actually start when I have to start getting ready. I usually try to delay that for as long as possible, until I absolutely have to get ready to make it to church on time. Some mornings aren't bad, other mornings are horrible. Most days since we started the adoption process have been better, but now that we're back to waiting it's gotten worse again. I start thinking about the fact that we can't expand our family at will. Everything has to be a struggle. Then it snowballs from there into being a failure because I can't seem to do anything - have a baby, loose those 20 pounds (heck, even 5 pounds would be great), keep our checkbook in order, etc. Then yesterday added to it because we are going into our third holiday season with a loss...05 was Granddad, 06 was Grammy, 07 is Mamma and the third holiday season that we still don't have a baby. The other problem is that one year ago yesterday we had our 2nd IUI. That was the IUI that resulted in a pregnancy, but the early miscarriage started on Thanksgiving Day. We should have a baby at our Thanksgiving table this year, instead it will be the one year anniversary of our loss. Then I started thinking about how hard it is for me to expand my family and how far I'm willing to go to expand it and hold it together while in another situation I know about they seem to want to throw all that away. Church can also be an issue in itself without all of the other self-pity that was going on yesterday. This is one of the drawbacks of going to such a small church. I love our church and I have no intentions of leaving, but it is extremely obvious there that we are probably the only ones who've experienced infertility. I'm pretty sure that the words Clomid and IUI aren't a part of most of the members vocabulary.

So all of this was swirling around in my head on the way to church and even during Sunday School. I just don't understand why it seems like things haven't gone right for us in awhile. I know that I've been blessed in many ways so before you all try to point that out to me, just remember that we all have bad days. Sometimes we need these days of self-pity to see our blessings and see exactly what God has done for us. 6 days out of the week I can remember this, Sundays are just a little harder. I also think another reason why Sundays are hard are because they are the first day of the week. It represents another week where nothing has changed, we're still infertile, mine, J & C's arms still feel empty, things still aren't right with my family,etc. Those weeks have turned into months, the months have turned into seasons and those seasons have now turned into years. Years and years of waiting and not understanding.

Yesterday our Sunday School lesson was about Abram and Sarai leaving Ur without a plan and just following God without question. To wrap up the lesson the book had written: Abram put action into his worship by trusting and obeying the Lord. God seldom shows us His way all at once. As we obey God one step at a time, our trust grows and we are able to take another step (Grow Through the Bible, Standard Publishing) I was reading that to my two girls (3rd & 4th grade)thinking that I'm supposed to be teaching this and am I really living it? Then I was thinking about Sarai, she had to be full of questions...didn't she? Here God was telling her to pick up and move to parts unknown, leave her comfy lifestyle in Ur and Haran and live in the wilderness. And in the middle of that she had to have been dealing with infertility because Genesis 11:30 says Now Sarai was barren; she had no children. It was roughly another 25 years before Sarai (then known as Sarah) gave birth to Isaac. Obviously Sarah did loose her trust in God because she took matters into her own hands and made herself miserable before Isaac's birth.

I was thinking about the story of Abram and Sarai as we started the church service and all of a sudden something popped in my head - trust in the Lord and Lean not unto your own understanding. I knew it was at least part of a verse, but I didn't know where it was at. While everyone else was singing I was digging through my condensed Concordance. I finally found it: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. When we take matters into our own hands based on only what we understand we are going to make ourselves miserable (like my self-pity yesterday morning). We may think we understand a lot, but we don't know anything compared to what God understands. I have got to stop leaning so much on what I understand (or don't understand) and lean more on God. He's willing to take all of those burdens from us, if we are only willing to trust Him enough to turn them over to Him. Sitting here on a Monday morning it's easy to say this, but will I be able to trust enough to remember this and believe it next Sunday morning? I am certainly going to try.

Do you have burdens that you don't understand? Will you turn them over to Him and trust in Him not yourself this next week?

I Failed Another Test....

I went to the doctor today about my throat. It was actually feeling a little better this morning, but because of the crazy weekend we are going to have I wanted to make sure it wasn't strep. He looked in my throat and said he thought it was more viral, but he checked it anyway. I was pretty sure at that point that I didn't have strep and I was a little disappointed. Not that I wanted to be sick, but it was one of those times I just wanted it to be something definable and treatable. He brought in the test and swabbed my throat and he left it sitting in there for 5 minutes. I got up and looked at the test to see if a second line was appearing. The test reminded me of a pregnancy test and all those times I waited for the second line that never appeared. If I stared at it hard enough and long enough I could almost make a second line appear, but in reality it was as blank as a white sheet of paper. The doctor came back in 5 minutes later and joked with me by telling me I wasn't pregnant. I said that I knew, I never pass any of those tests. I never get a second line. He laughed and sent me on my way telling me to take my Allegra and call him if I don't get any better. I think there is something in my body that doesn't allow it to make a second line appear on any test. If they would create a test of something I could pass - like the worry test or the obsessor test, I could probably create second lines all the time. But since those don't exist I'm stuck looking at tests that never have a second line appear. At least I could laugh about it today, because it was funny. A year ago I probably could've laughed, but it would've been a laugh to keep me from crying. Today it really was funny.

Another humurous part of my doctor visit today was that everyone (and I mean everyone) asked about the rash. The nurse, the doctor, the lady that checked me out. All were curoius about what J and C had found out on Tuesday. When the lady up front asked about it everyone at the front desk stopped what they were doing and looked at me while I explained what we found out. I'm sure they felt better when I told them it was contact dermatitis and not something contagious. I'm sure they all felt relieved to know they hadn't been exposed to leporasy on Tuesday. We really made an impression on everyone in the office. This could work out to our advanatage - they'll probably start taking me seriously if I ever call about a rash again.

Insight Into the Life of an Infertile Person

To start out with it needs to be said that the infertile person is really going through the grieving process. Some people may look at them and think “what’s their problem, they haven’t lost a (child, spouse, parent, etc.) No, they haven’t lost a specific person, but they have lost a dream and their innocence. They are realizing that what they were taught in health class all those years ago isn’t working for them. Also instead of being able to deal with one traumatic event and then start to move on, this grief is revisited month after month, year after year. It is a cycle that has no end, they feel like they are stuck on a merry-go-round and they can’t get off no matter how much they want to.

In the book On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross she identifies 5 stages of grieving for those diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
These stages are also applied to those going through the death of a loved one. I think these stages also can apply to anyone going through infertility. An infertile person may not go through these stages in this order, they may not even go through a particular stage, they may spend months or years in a particular stage and a short time on another phase. I am thankful to say that I’m finally in the acceptance stage. This doesn’t mean that I’m completely over our infertility, but I can at least deal with it now. Even once a person reaches the acceptance stage they may still have times they will back track through another one. I’ve heard infertility being referred to as an old friend, most of the time you don’t hear from them but every once in awhile they decide to make an appearance, good or bad.

Some other feelings of grief addressed by Dr Roberta Temes in her book Living With an Empty Chair are:
Numbness
Disorganization
Reorganization
These are feelings that the infertile person could be dealing with along with the other 5 stages of grief. The infertile person lives for what day of their cycle it is. They know what day they are on before they even know what day and month it is. This tends to lead to a feeling of complete disorganization. When they start to only focus on one part of their life, other things quickly tend to suffer. They may not be able to concentrate at work or at home, they may not want to balance their checkbook or clean their house, doing anything outside of something related to achieving pregnancy is put on the backburner. Because of this, then it starts to feel like their whole life is spiraling downwards and they can’t get control over anything. But there is also a part of the infertile person that is so numb from the pain and heartache, they may not care that their house is a wreck and their checkbook is in even worse shape.

Another feeling that the infertile person is dealing with is longing. I don’t like to use the words envy or jealously because those are too strong words for what the person is going through. They long so much to have what they see others having that it hurts. They have a hard time being completely happy for someone who is or has had a baby. They also may have a hard time being happy for someone even when it’s not related to a baby like a wedding or a new home, etc. They look at their life and feel like nothing happy has happened to them, their world is stuck in a heartbreaking cycle, while others are happily moving on with their lives. This is a hard emotion for the infertile person because they don’t want to feel this way. They want to be happy for others, they know the bible says “rejoice with those who rejoice”, but they just can’t seem to move on. There is this part of them that no matter how much they pray or read their bible or try to be happy for others, they can’t. It just takes time for this feeling to go away.

You can see how all of the emotions can make an infertile person feel worse and worse, it appears to be a never ending cycle that they feel they will never regain control of. Some may think that infertile couples just need to get over it and move on. Would you ever tell that to a person who has just lost a loved one? Hopefully not. The same compassion needs to given to those struggling with infertility. They are grieving and they have a right to feel these emotions. They need your support during these times more than ever.

Facts about Infertility

Since the main purpose of this blog is to keep everyone updated on the process of adoption, I thought I should devote a few posts to what got us to this point. I have gotten my information on this subject from reading, listening to/reading what others have to say and personal experience. I don’t want anyone to feel badly about anything that I might put in this blog or spend any time trying to remember if they did or said something to us during our infertility struggle that might have hurt our feelings. Not everything that I type will be something that I experienced, but maybe something that someone else went through. The purpose of this is to educate you so if a situation like this should happen to come up with other people that you know, hopefully you’ll know how to respond to them in a way that will let them know someone cares about what they are going through.

Definitions:
Infertility (IF): The inability to conceive and/or carry a child to full term in one year.

Primary Infertility (PI): Has never been pregnant or has never carried a child to term.

Secondary Infertility (SI): The ability to achieve pregnancy and carry a pregnancy or pregnancies to term, but then can’t conceive and/or carry another pregnancy to term.

Unexplained Infertility: There is no known medical reason for the couple’s inability to conceive.

There is some debate in infertility circles on what is considered true SI. In my mind I see it as having one or more uneventful pregnancies and then having the inability to have another one. Some people who had a hard time conceiving their first child will consider themselves to have SI after they can’t achieve another pregnancy. In my opinion that is more PI coming around for the second time rather than true “SI”. Still no matter what title you put on yourself infertility is something that is extremely heatbreaking for those experiencing it.

Quick Facts:
About 10% of couples of childbearing age are infertile

Out of that 10% about 1/3 of them are due to male problems, 1/3 are due to female problems and 1/3 are unexplained infertility

About 2/3 of couples who seek treatment go on to have a successful pregnancy

Only about 5-10% will actually need the high-tech method of In-Vitro to achieve pregnancy

Only 13 states require insurance coverage for infertility, a large portion of testing and treatments are paid out of pocket by the patients or other more expensive procedures are done because they are covered by insurance

Infertility affects all aspects of a person’s life - emotionally, physically, financially, etc

Many times a persons work performance and other relationships will suffer because of infertility

Letting Go of the Dream

Tuesday I had my yearly appointment with my doctor. I hadn't seen him since our last IUI in March. While I was in the waiting room watching the pregnant women come and go I realized that I don't fit in with them anymore. No matter how much I've tried to beg and plead with God over the last two years I can't fit into the pregnant mold because that's not where I belong. I've known this in my heart for the last two years, but it became very clear to me on Tuesday. It was like God was telling me that sitting in the doctor's office is not where I belong, he has a much better plan for me. Needless to say I kept tearing up while I was sitting there. It's hard not to, and it's hard to not be judgmental while your waiting there. How could the people sitting in that office deserve a baby more than J and I? I'm ashamed of that way of thinking, like I haven't learned anything in my struggles the last 2 years. When I finally got to see the doctor he didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, it's just different to actually hear the words - I can't do anything else for you. I could tell he felt bad because he didn't have any answers for me, not that I expected him to have any. We are Unexplained Secondary Infertility, there aren't any answers. He was giving me the information on IVF, he thinks we could have a good shot at it because for our IUI's we always looked good on paper. J and I talked about IVF a year ago and we both know that's not the direction God wants us to take at this time. I feel 100% confident that adoption is where He wants us to be. My doctor is sure that I did get pregnant from the IUI in November and the one in March, it just didn't take for some reason. I strongly feel that the reason is because there is another baby out there for us. More than likely this baby isn't even conceived yet, but I know God knows the plan. We are just trusting him to lead us along.

We have a table for 4......

For our first anniversary J and I bought an antique round table that came with 4 antique chairs. We were so excited about our purchase. Even though kids were still off our radar at the time, we knew we wanted 2 kids to fill up our new table. God had other things in mind for us because 6 months later we found out we were pregnant with C. I like to say that he was the best surprise that I've ever gotten. When he was about 18 months old he moved to the big table and has been there ever since. The nice antique table doesn't look quite so nice anymore, it is definitely showing it's age, but I still love it. The only problem with the table is that there is still one chair that's not being used and it happens to be the chair directly across from my spot. Even though J sits to my left and C sits to my right, it still feels empty because the spot that I look at is empty. We've tried for 2 years and several failed fertility treatments to fill the spot, but nothing has worked. That is what brings me to this blog and the purpose of it. We have mailed in an application for domestic infant adoption - we are officially started on trying to fill the empty place at our table. I know that God has a plan for everything and I'm excited to see his plan unfold through this journey.