Thursday, June 21, 2007

Letting Go of the Dream

Tuesday I had my yearly appointment with my doctor. I hadn't seen him since our last IUI in March. While I was in the waiting room watching the pregnant women come and go I realized that I don't fit in with them anymore. No matter how much I've tried to beg and plead with God over the last two years I can't fit into the pregnant mold because that's not where I belong. I've known this in my heart for the last two years, but it became very clear to me on Tuesday. It was like God was telling me that sitting in the doctor's office is not where I belong, he has a much better plan for me. Needless to say I kept tearing up while I was sitting there. It's hard not to, and it's hard to not be judgmental while your waiting there. How could the people sitting in that office deserve a baby more than J and I? I'm ashamed of that way of thinking, like I haven't learned anything in my struggles the last 2 years. When I finally got to see the doctor he didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, it's just different to actually hear the words - I can't do anything else for you. I could tell he felt bad because he didn't have any answers for me, not that I expected him to have any. We are Unexplained Secondary Infertility, there aren't any answers. He was giving me the information on IVF, he thinks we could have a good shot at it because for our IUI's we always looked good on paper. J and I talked about IVF a year ago and we both know that's not the direction God wants us to take at this time. I feel 100% confident that adoption is where He wants us to be. My doctor is sure that I did get pregnant from the IUI in November and the one in March, it just didn't take for some reason. I strongly feel that the reason is because there is another baby out there for us. More than likely this baby isn't even conceived yet, but I know God knows the plan. We are just trusting him to lead us along.

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