Thursday, February 28, 2008


Do you ever visualize yourself doing things? Sometimes I try to look into the future and see if I see myself doing a particular thing. Right now a lot of my visualizing centers around being a stay at home mom. Six years ago I couldn't visualize very clearly, now I can. I can see almost every aspect of it except for two things, one being the money part. I was recently told by a good friend who quit her job after the first of the year that it really is ok - we spend what we make and if we don't make it we don't spend it. It's a good theory that she is putting to the test right now and seems to be doing great. I think for me to do this God is going to have to hit me over the head with it, like a big FOR SALE sign in the office window when I pull up one Monday morning.

The second thing I'm having a hard time visualizing is another child to be at home with. No matter how hard I try I can't see another baby in our house, I can't see another car seat in my car, I can't see another child laying beside Cade as we read and pray with them each night. J tells me I'm crazy because he can see it ( I don't know if I can trust it because my vision is better than his!) He reminds me that we couldn't visualize Cade in our lives before we had him. That's not totally true, he probably couldn't visualize it before because he never tried. He was a little more reluctant about having a baby when we did but God smacked him in the head with Cade. I could see myself going to the mall pushing a baby in a stroller or taking it for a walk. I could see it very clearly. Right now I just can't see me doing that with another baby. I wonder if it's just that my brain that is trying to protect my heart or if it's God way of preparing me for what is ahead. I just don't know.....I hope that I'm wrong about it. I do hope it's just me being pessimistic because there are days it feels like it is never going to happen. Even though we are signed up with an adoption agency there are no guarantees, there are couples who never get picked. We are still early in our adoption journey, we've only been waiting 4 1/2 months which is nothing. It's just when you add that onto the months we dealt with infertility it seems forever.

Cade must not be having a problem visualizing it either because he's always talking about when he gets a brother...... One day he said something about him and his brother both being 5 together. I told him that when his brother's 5 he will probably be 12. It took awhile for him to process it, but now I've heard him say it several times.....When I'm 12 and my brother's 5 we'll play Transformers etc. I so hope that I was close when I gave him that age difference. I do want him to have a brother (or sister) before he reaches an age of where he is too old to play with them the way that he can visualize himself doing now.

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