Monday, November 5, 2007

Infertility, Holidays, Sundays and Trust

Clarification before you read this post:There is a difference between infertility and adoption. We are going to grow our family through adoption, but the fact that we are infertile will always be with us. I really have to no desire to be pregnant again, but being infertile means I can't expand my family at will. When I talk about infertility I'm talking about the frustration that comes with the lack of control I have over the size of my family. I am not saying in any way that I'm upset because we are adopting rather than having a biological child.

Infertility, Holidays and Sundays - each one of these things are hard to take for a person going though infertility. When you combine them all into one, it can make a day almost impossible to get through. When you add in other issues that a person could also be going though it can make those days a nightmare. Yesterday was one of those days for me. The infertility/failure feelings surfaced full force yesterday. They had been simmering all last week so I guess it was time. Hopefully I can take my ramblings and tie them into a coherent post by the end.

My feelings of infertility and failure are always worse on Sundays. Most would think that going to church and being close to God would make those days better, but it doesn't. I'm more aware of my infertility at church than anywhere else. The feelings actually start when I have to start getting ready. I usually try to delay that for as long as possible, until I absolutely have to get ready to make it to church on time. Some mornings aren't bad, other mornings are horrible. Most days since we started the adoption process have been better, but now that we're back to waiting it's gotten worse again. I start thinking about the fact that we can't expand our family at will. Everything has to be a struggle. Then it snowballs from there into being a failure because I can't seem to do anything - have a baby, loose those 20 pounds (heck, even 5 pounds would be great), keep our checkbook in order, etc. Then yesterday added to it because we are going into our third holiday season with a loss...05 was Granddad, 06 was Grammy, 07 is Mamma and the third holiday season that we still don't have a baby. The other problem is that one year ago yesterday we had our 2nd IUI. That was the IUI that resulted in a pregnancy, but the early miscarriage started on Thanksgiving Day. We should have a baby at our Thanksgiving table this year, instead it will be the one year anniversary of our loss. Then I started thinking about how hard it is for me to expand my family and how far I'm willing to go to expand it and hold it together while in another situation I know about they seem to want to throw all that away. Church can also be an issue in itself without all of the other self-pity that was going on yesterday. This is one of the drawbacks of going to such a small church. I love our church and I have no intentions of leaving, but it is extremely obvious there that we are probably the only ones who've experienced infertility. I'm pretty sure that the words Clomid and IUI aren't a part of most of the members vocabulary.

So all of this was swirling around in my head on the way to church and even during Sunday School. I just don't understand why it seems like things haven't gone right for us in awhile. I know that I've been blessed in many ways so before you all try to point that out to me, just remember that we all have bad days. Sometimes we need these days of self-pity to see our blessings and see exactly what God has done for us. 6 days out of the week I can remember this, Sundays are just a little harder. I also think another reason why Sundays are hard are because they are the first day of the week. It represents another week where nothing has changed, we're still infertile, mine, J & C's arms still feel empty, things still aren't right with my family,etc. Those weeks have turned into months, the months have turned into seasons and those seasons have now turned into years. Years and years of waiting and not understanding.

Yesterday our Sunday School lesson was about Abram and Sarai leaving Ur without a plan and just following God without question. To wrap up the lesson the book had written: Abram put action into his worship by trusting and obeying the Lord. God seldom shows us His way all at once. As we obey God one step at a time, our trust grows and we are able to take another step (Grow Through the Bible, Standard Publishing) I was reading that to my two girls (3rd & 4th grade)thinking that I'm supposed to be teaching this and am I really living it? Then I was thinking about Sarai, she had to be full of questions...didn't she? Here God was telling her to pick up and move to parts unknown, leave her comfy lifestyle in Ur and Haran and live in the wilderness. And in the middle of that she had to have been dealing with infertility because Genesis 11:30 says Now Sarai was barren; she had no children. It was roughly another 25 years before Sarai (then known as Sarah) gave birth to Isaac. Obviously Sarah did loose her trust in God because she took matters into her own hands and made herself miserable before Isaac's birth.

I was thinking about the story of Abram and Sarai as we started the church service and all of a sudden something popped in my head - trust in the Lord and Lean not unto your own understanding. I knew it was at least part of a verse, but I didn't know where it was at. While everyone else was singing I was digging through my condensed Concordance. I finally found it: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. When we take matters into our own hands based on only what we understand we are going to make ourselves miserable (like my self-pity yesterday morning). We may think we understand a lot, but we don't know anything compared to what God understands. I have got to stop leaning so much on what I understand (or don't understand) and lean more on God. He's willing to take all of those burdens from us, if we are only willing to trust Him enough to turn them over to Him. Sitting here on a Monday morning it's easy to say this, but will I be able to trust enough to remember this and believe it next Sunday morning? I am certainly going to try.

Do you have burdens that you don't understand? Will you turn them over to Him and trust in Him not yourself this next week?

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