Tuesday, February 15, 2011

One Year Ago....

Today is the baby’s first birthday. It’s hard to believe that just one short year ago our lives were turned topsy-turvey over the course of 10 days. In other ways it feels like a lifetime ago that we got the calls that changed so many things in our lives in 2010. A lot of the direction and focus of our year all came out of that time. When I think about those days I don’t feel particularly sad, at least not as sad as I thought I would’ve felt on February 18, 2010. I also obviously don’t feel happy either….it’s a weird emotion of almost nothing…but yet something. Maybe it’s because there isn’t a word to define missing something that was never yours to begin with….

I’ve never really connected a name to him. In my mind he’s usually baby…when Jay and I talk about it, which is rare, we call it the trip to Illinois. He’s not the name we picked out the few short minutes before we got the call saying he wasn’t ours, but yet I don’t think we would ever reuse the name if we were blessed with another boy. It wasn’t a name that I had any particular fondness for. I liked it, but I wasn’t in love with it. I was never attached to it like I was Cade’s name. The name is all wrapped up together in my head with the whole experience. It was something we went through as a family…parts were good, parts were bad, but I prefer to keep it all in there together in my mind.

I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about him. I may think about him several times in one day, but then not think about him again for a couple of weeks. When I do think about him, it’s usually to say a quick prayer that he is healthy, happy and loved and then my mind wanders to curiosity……These are all things I’ve thought about over the year. Not all at one time obviously but different thoughts sneak up on me at different times.

What does he look like? He was a mixed race so what different traits show in his features? Does he have dark hair and eyes? Is his hair curly or did is stay straight like it was in his hospital picture?

How big is he? He would’ve been the biggest of my parent’s grandchildren to this point. Would he still be the biggest? How does he compare to Lawson’s size now?

What are his accomplishments? Can he walk? What words can he say? How many teeth does he have? Is he doing a lot of the things Lawson is doing right now

What does he like to do? Is he into cars, tractors and anything with wheels like Cade was at that age? Or is he more interested in sports? Does he like to play ball?

Is he well loved by his family? Were they able to adopt him so he’s not a casualty of the foster care system?

Then sometimes my mind goes to the what ifs. I try to not go here often, because it is painful, but sometimes it’s hard not to. It just happens….

What if we had brought him home? Would I be planning a big birthday party (YES!!)? Would he and Lawson be good buddies since they would’ve been 4 weeks apart? What would Cade and the baby’s relationship look like? Would Cade still be as thrilled about having a brother now that he would be mobile and into Cade’s toys? Would I still be sleep deprived and half crazy like I was for the first part of Cade’s life? What would it be like to have a baby in the house again? We are SO out of practice!

Sometimes I wonder if he’ll ever know the full story of what happened when he was born. Will he know there was another family that almost took him home? If I were to guess on that I’d say no. He’ll probably never know how so many people in our lives were praying for that little boy and his birth mom during those days. Or that some of us may still continue to pray for him. But imagine having someone you don’t have a clue about praying for you? That’s a pretty neat thought. So if you are reading this and have time, would you also say a birthday prayer for this baby who was almost our son..brother..grandson…nephew…cousin… friend…

Happy 1st Birthday Baby, wherever you are!!!


Rachel said...

Oh, Crystal. I'm so happy you wrote as you did. We had so many "what if" situations, and the only thing I could do was pray for those kids and their bio parents. I do wonder where they are now, after reading your post---and pray they are happy and healthy. HUGS.

Shelley said...

That brought tears to my eyes, my friend. I get where you are coming from. I still pray for Baby C and it's much like yours...that she is happy, healthy, loved, and has been adopted from foster care.