Sunday, November 28, 2010

Not the Thanksgiving we had hoped for...

Not that we don't have plenty in our lives to be thankful for but this Thanksgiving just wasn't what we hoped it would be.  I had my dreaded beta draw on Wednesday.  Within an hour the clinic called my cell phone to tell me the results were negative.  I can't even convey in the words the deep disappointment and sadness that we felt that day and for the next several days.  I think Jay and I walked around feeling like we had been ran over by a truck.  I tried to go Black Friday shopping but I didn't even enjoy that.

I think for both of us this seemed to take us back to the day in February when we found out we were not getting the baby.  The next day we got the phone call about the appointment at the NEDC.  We've always had something to look forward to, even in the disappointments with this journey.  There always seemed to be some other situation that gave us something to look forward to, but this time we feel that we've ran out of options.  Embryo adoption was our back-up plan.  It was what got us through those awful February days.  Now that option is gone.  We aren't sure where we are and what we are going to do.  We are both pretty confident that we are done with the embryo part.  We are both tired of the treatments and the stress that comes along with it.

We are also so frustrated.  Did we not understand correctly when we felt that we were being led to adoption?  Are we not where we are supposed to be?  I'm also so stinking angry.  Last Christmas we went to Disneyland to spend some time together just the three of us.  It was such a good trip.  I came back feeling better about our situation as a family of three.  I was really content and ok with waiting.  Then February happened and then the embryo thing and it has been one constant adoption/baby something or another since then.  Why couldn't we have just been left alone for awhile?  Why everytime I get to a point where I feel some level of peace it starts all over again?  It just makes me so mad!!!

While I was Black Friday shopping Jay cleaned out the closet in the spare room.  It was such a hellish place for me.  I dreaded having to open it for anything.  It became the place where everything was stuck...all the baby stuff from February, all the paperwork from the NEDC, all the folders and old profiles and adoption crap we collected over the years.  It's all gone now.  I'm not sure what Jay did with it, but at least I can get in the closet now without praying that God would only let me see what it was I was looking for and not all of the other stuff stuck in there.  We talked about giving it away, but we weren't ready for that.  Did we want to run into someone using our stroller or wearing the clothes we had picked out for our baby?  It sounds selfish, but we didn't think we were ready for that.

We are still on the waiting lists with both agencies, but that feels so far removed right now.  Also, there are not possible situaitons with either agency right now.  I really don't know where this leaves us now, except just waiting.  I can handle the waiting, for whatever reason God has given us the long wait and that is fine.  It's the constant disappointments that is wearing on me now. 


Laura said...

Crystal and Jay,
So sorry to hear about the results of your test. I can't imagine what you are going through, the closest I can get is losing Nolan in August. Based on that, I know your hearts are breaking and you have many questions you want answered, but may never know. To me, after the loss, the not understanding or knowing why is the worst. You are all 3 in my thoughts daily. Try to stay positive, but try not to dwell, easy to say, but hard to do! Maybe it just isn't time yet and you will get a "surprise" when you are least expecting it. Sometimes those are the best anyway. Not sure this is the right things to say or what you want/need to hear, but it's all I know to say. I love you all!

Rach said...

I'm so deeply sad for you guys. I was praying that SOMETHING would happen very soon. And maybe it will still, but I realize you cannot just cling to nothing. I pray that even though all this is happening (and not happening), God will give you peace which surpasses all understanding. Don't give up, Crystal. God has something awesome in store for your family.

Shelley said...

I still have absolutely nothing profound to say. I'm just monumentally sorry.