Monday, June 1, 2009

It was somewhat of a long, hard weekend in terms of where we stood with our adoption and our fertility (or lack thereof). I went back and forth all day Saturday and Sunday thinking that if we hadn’t heard anything then it probably meant we hadn’t been picked to being positive and thinking we still had a chance. The phrase “faith the size of a mustard seed” kept rolling through my head all weekend. Do I even have faith that big? No, most of the time I don’t.

After 4 years of countless disappointments there’s a balance we try to maintain of being cautiously optimistic about our situations. We don’t want to invest too much emotionally into each one, even though it’s almost impossible to keep from. I was already picturing the baby’s first Sunday at church. If it’s next Sunday that’s already going to be a big day (more on that later in the week) how much better could it get? Normally I don’t say much to Jay about my little daydreams because there’s no point in it…just like we don’t usually discuss baby names, nursery themes, etc because it’s so painful. Last night I finally confessed what I had been thinking to Jay….he had the exact same thought. It is impossible to keep from getting attached to every situation which is why we feel so physically and emotionally drained when they don’t work out.

Last night I completely reached my limit, but at least it gave me something to laugh about today after I thought about it….Our church is famous for people bringing in their junk from home they don’t want anymore and “giving” it to the church. Oh, thank you for that ripped up 20 year old carpet. Even though you didn’t want it in your home anymore it will look perfect in my Sunday School classroom.

So I went to the 5th Sunday Sing that our church was hosting. The only reason why I went was because all of the area churches were coming to our church and I needed to help in the kitchen. Jay and Cade didn’t go because honestly, there was no reason for all of us to be miserable. I took one for the team. Really, I sound terrible, but if you sat through one (or have been through one) you totally understand where I’m coming from. I prayed before I went last night that something would really speak to me and make the night worthwhile.

I walked into the basement with my basket of goodies and the first thing I saw was a stupid high chair. We only have one two year old at the church who probably won’t even use it. On closer inspection I noticed the thing was not in the best shape. It took every bit of self-control I had to not kick the thing across the room. Later on I heard the story – a lady had bought it for $3 and brought it to the church. I’m not sure that I’d trust a baby doll in this high chair let alone a baby. So during the whole Sunday Sing all I could do was imagine all of the different things I’d like to do to the high chair – one vision was me using a hammer on it another was of using a chain saw right down the middle. I also pictured me taking it apart piece by piece and leaving it in a heap in the middle of the room. Seriously….can we not get a break from being reminded of it for a few hours? Also, knowing that it was someone’s not in the best shape castoff so we’ll donate it to the church high chair it really irritated me. Then as we were cleaning up last night a lot of the women gathered around it and ooh and ahhhd over it and then (in front of me) said that the 2 year old could use it but then after that we wouldn’t have any more babies to put in it. Again I thought SERIOUSLY can we not get a break?????

So today I’ve laughed about it…..I let a high chair raise my blood pressure 50 points. How ridiculous. But, anyway the point of this post is that the family looked at profiles today at 2. We don’t know when we’ll know anything but we will keep everyone posted. Wouldn’t it be a great story if the crappy high chair ends of being the encouragement instead of just another irritation?

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