Wednesday, April 29, 2009

More Whining...

I’m back to wallowing in infertility/adoption self-pity again today. I checked the website today to see what families had “Placement” or “Placement Pending” plastered on their pictures. Checking the website for me is like watching a scene in a horror movie. You don’t want to do it, you want to close your eyes but there is something that draws you to it. You want to know what’s going to happen even though it is going to disturb you for a very long time to come. I guess it’s self-punishment or satan whispering in my head to look so that I’ll feel even worse about myself than I already do….well it worked today.

There were a potential for 4 placements last month. I saw the 4 families today that have “Placement Pending” slapped on their face. All of them have been with the agency less than us. Three of them are way less than us… of them was really less than us as in their picture showed up two weeks ago and already they have a placement pending. Another one of them was really salt in the wound – they were approved after us, got placed right after they were approved, came back after the first of the year for a 2nd adoption and already have been picked again.

The fact that I’m also working with someone who is pregnant is not helping my frame of mind right now and work is really, really slow so there isn’t much to take my mind off of it….so I sit here for 8 hours a day and let all of these bad feeling fester. I think I have a condition that’s called Adoption Bi-Polar. I don’t know that it’s a true disease but it seems to fit what I have. One day I’m fine with how things are going, I’m fine with only having one child, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Then the next day I’m not fine, I’m angry and sad and disappointed and rejected. Then I try to figure out if I really was fine the day before or if I was trying to convince myself that I was or exactly what in the heck is going on with me.

It is such a hard thing to mentally work through. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an answer. I think a big part of my problem right now is that I have such a fear that we will never adopt, that we will never have another child. There is this part of me that wants to quit everything because I don’t want to keep putting myself through this if it’s never meant to be. I know that all of this will be worth it when it finally happens, but what if it doesn’t? It’s hard to stay upbeat about it because I’m so afraid we are never going to get a call from the agency. I know God has His way of doing things, but I feel like we’ve gone through all of these hoops and have now hit a brick wall. It has been a long, long time since I really felt encouraged about this, like I knew that this was what we were supposed to be doing.

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