Update on Us

Thought I'd update on how we are doing now after the negative results last week. I mentioned that I was angry, and I was for several days. I was so angry about our situation, our disappointments, our wait, wasting money on so many things that haven't worked out, etc. I was also so deeply sad – sad for ourselves, sad that Cade may never experience the joy and closeness of a sibling, sad that we have lost 6 little babies. And I was frustrated and confused – why was nothing working, are we not doing what we are supposed to be doing. I've had a lot of stuff running through my mind the last few days…actually for probably most of the year. I've spent a lot of time over the last several months is a state of mental confusion and frustration. You know the feeling – like you are hitting your head against a wall but still nothing happens. Nothing was changing and I just continued to become more confused. When you are in that place it really tends to suck the life out of you. That's what it has been doing to me.

I guess this "break" right now might be good for us. Since there really isn't anything going on at either agency it will give us some time to just be. Hopefully in the quiet we can figure out where God is leading us…or where He is telling us to stay. I did re-read an entry I made almost a year ago announcing our decision to pursue Embryo Adoption. There was a family we read about in our quarterly newsletter from Bethany. Their adoption story mirrored ours almost exactly. All this time though I thought it took them two tries with the NEDC to get pregnant, but actually it was three. So of course that made my wheels turn a bit….maybe I could do it again? The soonest we could even think about it would be a July transfer. They only do it every other month….January is too soon, March is too crazy, May is too hectic….But maybe July???? I don't know what the answer is, but nothing has to be decided right away – we've got lots of time. I do have my phone consult with the doctor on Monday. I guess I'm not ready to totally let this go and make any sort of final decision right now. I read a good thing from Joyce Meyers yesterday that talked about not letting your emotions control your decisions. I think severing our ties with the NEDC at this point would definitely be an emotional decision.

In the meantime we've got plenty to keep us busy. I guess at least the timing of finding out works out good. December is such a busy month that there are lots of things to keep our minds and hands busy. Having a January transfer would stink….I think January and February are the two longest months of the whole year. Can you imagine finding out a transfer didn't work the end of January?? YUCK!

During the long 9 day wait I was wandering around our house. We have a picture hanging above our fireplace that has a verse at the bottom. I'm not sure that I had ever paid too much attention to the verse before. I bought it for Jay because he thought the picture was cool. The verse is Psalms 113:3

³ From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
   the name of the LORD is to be praised.

I really tried to focus on that verse for those 9 days and I'm still trying to now. Sometimes my thoughts don't mirror that as much as I'd like (especially those first few days post beta draw), but I'm working on it. Of course it didn't help that a few days before the draw I read the whole chapter and the last verse is

⁹ He settles the childless woman in her home
   as a happy mother of children.

I guess that's a good lesson to remember that we can't take the Bible out of context and twist it to fit what we want to hear! Ha Ha….

I just keep hoping that all of these disappointments will make us finally getting "the call" or "the blood draw" or whatever all that much sweeter.