Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I guess it’s going ok. I have a good job, I work with people I like, I’ve been here 10.5 years so I’ve got a lot of good benefits built up (sick leave, vacation time, etc), and I have insurance, which with Jay’s job and the state of Missouri, is becoming ever more important….BUT, and there is always a but….it’s really hard to work and leave a baby.

We have a great sitter for Camryn, I’ve been able to leave her every day without worrying about her – at least outside of what mom’s usually worry about. Actually, that is what I feel the best about. I know Camryn is being taken care of very well. It’s the other stuff that bothers me. Like getting back into a cleaning, laundry, cooking routine where I don’t neglect my family. Or being worried about being so tired that I can’t function at work. Or the fact that I didn’t have one single bout of insomnia for 12 weeks, then Monday night it was like welcoming an old unwanted friend back – Hello insomnia…hello 2 am where my thoughts race around like hamsters on a wheel and I want to go back to sleep but I can’t because I’m worried about that loan I just did, did I figure the collateral right and how in the world am I going to get this week’s laundry done because we have a school function going on every night and why is Cade snoring, does he have apnea and should I be concerned about Camryn favoring her right side of her head and didn’t we get Cade’s fair check in the mail, where did I put it, did I throw it away, etc. I don’t know how many times I’ve been awake tearing through our mail basket and trash at 2 am because I can’t remember if I’ve paid a bill and what if it’s late and I get a late charge? That’s the stuff that bothers me about returning to work.

Actually, the insomnia is what really bothers me. I notice all these issues related to my health that I didn’t have when I was at home. Is it really healthy to be awake 3-4 times a week at 2 am for at least an hour? Why does stress do that to me? Things are fairly slow at work right now, so I’m not swamped. I think I should be able to get back into it without to much stress. So why the heck am I not sleeping at night??? Drives me crazy!

But then on the other hand I think that if I wasn’t working I’d probably still have insomnia eventually. There would be something that would come up to cause me enough stress I’d loose sleep over it. During the day I can fight off all those unwanted worries pretty easily, but there is something about 2am where it is very hard. But that is Satan’s plan, so I’ve really got to work on it. And I have to remember that I managed the baby stage with Cade just fine and I will manage this stage with Camryn just fine. But I am 9 years older so I may be just a little slower this time around.

But these two don’t seemed concerned about anything. Our highchair has wheels on it. After breakfast I was in our room finishing getting ready and I heard the wheels on the hardwood. This is how I found them. I’m not sure if Cade thought she needed the company or if he wanted the company – but either way he rolled her into the family room so they could watch TV for a few minutes. I have a feeling I’ll be fighting TV with this one a lot. Cade didn’t have a bad influence like he is to her when it came to TV.

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