Friday, September 9, 2011

Are you going to have anymore?

I’ve already been asked this question, actually several times. I’ve also been asked if we are going to adopt again. That one I can understand, but the other one…not so much. I remember that before the ink was dry on Cade’s birth certificate I was asked that question, only it was phrased when are you going to have more. They are lucky they didn’t catch me in the right PPD mood or I might have told them exactly when…it would’ve involved a temperature drop in a normally very hot place. Cade was three before I could even entertain the thought of wanting another child. That kid wore me out.

The first time I was asked if we were going to have anymore I don’t think Camryn was much older than 3 weeks. I hope I kept a normal looking face because I really like that person and I know they didn’t mean anything by it. But I felt like my jaw dropped to the floor and my eyes bugged out of my head. If only it were as simple as making a decision to have more….

Every one has their struggles in life, we all have our problems and issues, but infertility is one that completely strips you of your ability to make something happen on command. I know that God owes us nothing, but having a baby is an act of nature. It is the way our bodies were designed to operate. And when that doesn’t happen when you want it to, it just plain stinks! It is really hard to wrap your head around why that has happened to you. And I really don’t think until you’ve been through it you really understand how the overwhelming hurt of it all can actually take your breath away sometimes. Oh sure, plenty of people can and will sympathize with you because it’s our nature to hurt when those we love hurt, but it’s still not quite the same.

So will we have more kids? I honestly don’t know because I have no idea what God has planned for us. But I can say that after our 6 year ordeal I know He is in complete control of the situation. What I also know is that  Jay and I will never just decide to have another baby. I vowed during those 6 years that I would never again knowingly try for a baby once we finally had a 2nd child. Neither of us has any desire to go back to that waiting game. Will we adopt again? More than likely no. I don’t think I could knowingly put myself through that agony again. But who knows, if something were to sort of fall in our laps we might be open to it. We have left our name on a list with an attorney to call us back in a couple of years. I just hated the thought of closing every door on adoption…so we left a crack in it.

But all in all I am very happy. I’m just enjoying my life where it is at right now. Whatever happens will happen. But If I could make one request of God..if He does decide we need another baby someday I hope He doesn’t stick with the 9 year rule. Could you imagine….18 yr old, 9 yr old, infant, 43 yr old parents….that gives me chills.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Amen! You know, I won't ever say we are done adopting...because God has a way of surprising us when we think we have it all planned. I know right now we do plan on adopting more...but life is busy, like you said, so we are just riding the moment. xoxox