Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Some randomness probably induced by a rapid heart rate and high blood pressure....

We’ve had a stressful last couple of days. Normally we don’t tell many people, if any, when our profile is shown. There have only been a handful of times we’ve ever said anything…maybe if we were feeling particularly fragile at the time of the showing or if someone directly asks us if anything was going on. The longer this has gone on the less and less we say anything. It is so physically and emotionally exhaustive that I feel bad dragging anyone else into it. And honestly, I think I’m also kind of embarrassed…I hate having to go back to people and say….

Sorry, false alarm.
Thanks for getting yourself worked up on our behalf though, but yet again we were not chosen.
No, I don’t know why we weren’t picked.
No, our agency has plenty of activity, we just haven’t been picked for any of them.
We just have to believe that God has a plan and that wasn’t our time or our baby.


So this weekend we had three different situations come up. This was on the heels of the 5 different rejects from the last two weeks. We were even called on a SUNDAY, which is way out of our norm. I hear these fairy tales of people getting calls in the evenings or the weekends or even Sunday mornings when they were sick and did not go to church that day and wouldn’t you know it that was the moment they got the call and if they had been in church they would’ve missed it, etc etc. But we have yet to see anything like that. Finally we did. We thought maybe this is finally a good sign? (and we didn’t even have to miss church to get the call!) We had both read the book Heaven is for Real the past week and there was a really good point in there. When they were in the hospital and their son was very ill, they knew they needed other people to pound heaven with their prayers on the boy’s behalf. I think Sunday morning we were at that point. We needed help, because after 3 ½ years of this we just couldn’t do it on our own anymore. We needed help, and I know there have been lots and lots and lots of prayers said on our behalf.

AND now we wait. We did get an update yesterday and while none of them were a flat out No, some things have happened and it’s going to take some time.  We really don't know what will happen with any of these.  While that caused my heartrate to slow somewhat, it is still elevated. I want an update, but yet I fear seeing an email from anyone connected the agency. I want to know something, anything, but yet fear hearing our 6th, 7th or even 8th No for the month. I JUST WANT MY STINKING PHONE TO RING!!!

I was talking to my dad today and trying to express this feeling of frustration I have….I’m scared to get an email but yet I’m so angry when my computer sits there just silently mocking me. I get so angry just watching my phone sit on my desk in complete silence. I am just willing it to ring…but when it does I am so disappointed to see it is someone who even though I love them I don’t want it to be a phone call from them. It really is taking all the self-control that I have to not pick up my phone and computer and toss them out the window that is just mere inches away. I think the sound of exploding plastics and electronics would feel so satisfying right now. But then I’d worry…did I just miss an email? If they can’t get me will they call Jay and will he even know what baby we were picked for because there have been so many he can’t keep any of them straight (it also doesn’t help that out of the 8 situations in the last couple of weeks 5 of moms have the same name). It really is hard to keep all of them straight, especially for Jay. Sometimes I wish I had that ability to not think about it constantly, but I don’t. If they gave out heights, weights and SS# of the mom’s, I’d also have all of that memorized.

Also while talking to my dad today something else dawned on me. I’ve had problems with high blood pressure for exactly the last 3.5 years. I don’t take medication for it because I think it is partly white coat syndrome, which I’ve inherited from my dad. A doctor can do any test on me he wants…draw blood, give me shots, etc. BUT when they come at me with the blood pressure cuff I loose my mind, which in turn makes my blood pressure rise. Even at Wal Mart if I see one of those machines my heart rate speeds and my hands get sweaty…even typing this right now is making my hands sweat….My BP was high one time and it freaked me out so now all I can think is it’s going to be high, it’s going to be high. So I’m not sure if it is actually high or if it is my mental problem making it high. After experiencing the rapid heart rate and constant stress of the last few days it made me realize that this waiting may in fact have something to do with my higher than normal BP? I hadn’t ever thought about it before but it all started at the time we started waiting for the adoption. I’m just in a constant state of stress….cortisol has to be running through my system continuously!

Jay and I talked about it this morning and what we need is a vacation. The last time we did anything fun was…..can’t remember. Disneyland may have been the last time we did anything that seemed to be a stress reliever rather than even more of a stressor. But, I don’t believe we will be going anywhere anytime soon…instead I get a trip to the dentist today. Maybe I’ll just ask for some really good painkillers….

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