Wednesday, March 2, 2011

More on yesterday’s post…

Shelley's comment from yesterday kind of nailed another thing that has been annoying me about these blogs. I typed that last one in a hurry so I didn't address that aspect of it. They are painting adoption to be such a rosy, all good all the time, kind of picture. And that is not the case. I don't see them addressing the heartbreak of the families who are placing their children with them. They don't address the fact that even though they are matched with a baby that baby is not theirs yet. The placing family could still decide not to place when it comes down to it. Until TPR is signed, that baby still belongs to the biological family. At the hospital the adoptive family has no say over what happens to that baby…they aren't even privy to the baby's medical condition. It just annoys me so much the way these adoptive families are talking about babies that aren't even theirs yet. And I don't understand how they do not know all of this stuff? And it annoys me that other people are reading these blogs and thinking that is how adoption is.

This is sort of all over the board here – but one thing that I have wondered about with our two matches were the fact the babies were boys. Had they been circumcised yet? I knew that Jay and I had no say over if that would take place in the hospital or not. If the bio mother's wanted it done then it would be done – if not, then it wouldn't be done. We would definitely respect the mother's wishes and would not push to have that done at that time. Then I wondered if it wasn't done at that time, would we be able to have it done in the 6 months that the baby was technically a ward of the adoption agency? Would we need to wait until after finalization to have them circumcised? Which then that gets into the whole other thing of it turning into a much bigger procedure than when they are an infant in the hospital. I know that story is just kind of stuck in here – but the point is – THE BABY IS NOT YOURS YET! You have to think about those kinds of things….and people starting to explore adoption need to think about those things. They don't need to continually read these blogs of where it is one positive thing after another.

And that is where I find adoption tricky. It is a fine line of needing to be positive about the experience because no one is going to go through life with a sad sack attitude thinking "see my baby, she is beautiful, but I can never be happy because she will have a rotten life because she was torn away from her bio family". But also balancing the pain you know the bio family is feeling with your happiness and doing what is best for the baby. When I think about all that responsibility that adoptive families have it makes my head spin. When I start reading too many stories on the internet about the really ugly, negative things people say about adoption or the overly gushy sickening sweet stories I get overwhelmed. That's when I have to hit the little X in the right hand corner and step away from it for awhile. And that is also when I pray/know that God will get us through those tricky moments when they occur. I know that He will help me balance all of this stuff. I'm just so thankful that I've had time to explore all of this stuff about adoption so I know what I have to try and balance out. I can't imagine having such an unrealistic attitude toward adoption and then having reality slap me in the face once the child is here and we are dealing with a crisis. Talk about a major wake up call!

And also, this is another side note that annoyed me on one blog. They went on and on about how from an early age they knew God was calling them to adopt an orphan. And they did adopt after an exactly 9 month wait…but it was a Domestic Infant Adoption. I'm sorry, but in my mind that was not an orphan. An orphan is a child whose parents left then in an orphanage in Russia or China, or a child whose parents were killed by the AIDS epidemic in Africa or the earthquake in Haiti. I know there is no black/white answer for every adoption situation, but I would have to say that in my mind the majority of babies placed for DIA would not be classified as orphans. I think what irritated me about that was it seemed like the adoptive parents were using the term "orphan" to justify their adoption…and it just sounds better since God called us to take care of the widows and orphans.

I think it sounds better because when you really think about it adoption can seem selfish. I want another baby. I want to hold an infant again and I want to experience all of those firsts one more time with a child. I want Cade to experience the sibling bond. I want to hear those baby laughs and squeals in the house that we bought with the image of another baby running through it. For whatever reason Jay and I can't do that on our own so we chose adoption. And we chose it with the knowledge that God will guide us through all of the tricky things that will come up before, during and after a placement. But I have never once believed that it would be a walk in the park…and for sure if I didn't know it at the beginning 41 months later I should start to figure it out!

And I don't want this to come across as me being a negative type of person. Or a meanie who is judging someone's thoughts and feelings. Yes, I probably do tend to sway more on the negative side of things, but I can honestly say I feel more hopeful about where we are at in our adoption than I ever have before. I really know I can feel God working…probably more on my heart and my patience than anything, but I do feel like we are in a good spot. I've just been so annoyed by some of the things I've read lately because they are so unrealistic. But then again leaving a comment on a blog saying "you know you could wait upwards of 4, 5 or 6 years for a baby" probably isn't the nicest thing to say. Even if it is the truth!

And another off the topic comment, but I've been thinking about our online profile. I wonder how many people who previously adopted with BCS still check their website. Do those who were in our "adoption class" at BCS ever look and still see our smiling faces on the website. I wonder if they wonder if we have some sort of a problem? Is there some weird thing about us that runs people off or do they think we are waiting on that perfect baby with the perfect background to fall into our laps? I also wonder if the BCS employees will have a party when they finally get to put PLACEMENT across our faces? They have got to be tired of looking at us. By this point they should know us as well as we know ourselves! They've had the opportunity to read 1 homestudy and 3 updates. Honestly, they probably know more about us then our own families do. Those are just some off the wall thoughts I've had lately!

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