Thursday, March 31, 2011

Nervous Nibbling

I have a problem - I am an emotional eater.  That would explain why the scales took a serious upswing around the fall of 2005 and never looked back.  Things finally leveled off for a few years then the Illinois incident of 2010 happened and it drastically climbed again.  In fact I avoided the scales for months after that awful trip.  Last summer/fall I felt like I finally got a little bit of control over the "eating to compensate for the frustrations I felt in other areas of my life".  I was far from being cured, but I was seeing vast improvements.  Then we had the deal with Baby C and I started to find myself slipping back into bad habits and I fought really hard to not got totally back there.  I think I did a fairly good job of managing my food issues.  Now this week has happened and I am a mess!  If I'm not checking my email or phone I'm looking or thinking about what I could put in my mouth.  I hate this!!  I'm four days into the week and I've had popcorn chicken THREE TIMES.  Chicken has been my comfort food for some reason the last few months...having a bad day?  How about some chicken? Don't mind if I do! Yes, it is weird.  The only day I did not have popcorn chicken was Tuesday and that was because I was going to take Cade to Mazzio's for pizza buffet that night.  I did manage to control myself somewhat Tuesday during the day.  And after I ate the Mazzio's I did my normal "why did I do that to myself"?  But that is mostly because Mazzio's really bothers my stomach but still I eat an idiot.  Thankfully that night it didn't bother me like it normally does...I think I figured out the culprit that would make me curl into a ball for days afterwards.  But still, why did I do it?  Oh, I could tell myself it was to see Cade's little face light up when I told him, but honestly....I was too physically/emotionally exhausted to go home and cook for the two of us...I didn't want to deal with homework and cooking by myself...and some cinnamon breadsticks would be a really good salve for the fact that my phone IS STILL NOT RINGING.

 There is no telling what I may try to eat next.  It is such a viscious cycle...feel blah so I eat more, which makes me feel more blah.... Forget exercising, Jay isn't home right now so that's not really an option.  We have got to get through the rest of Jay's contest season and see some sunshine because otherwise I don't know what may happen....I just hope I come out of this cycle of waiting still able to wear the same pants I did a week a ago!

And besides the nervous eating, I've developed a habit of nervous clicking on my mouse.  I'm sure everyone in the office can, click, click, click.  It's like if I click on enough different things on my computer something is going to magically happen to my clicking on yahoo to check my email a million times a day is going to make a difference?  Or see what is going on in the world on MSNBC or Fox.  I just checked it 5 minutes ago, but maybe if I click on it again I'll see some article that says "Yes, Crystal Your Wait is Over".  And why would I even begin to think clicking on a news site right now would be a good idea, especially when I'm already stressed?  How dumb is that?

I did go to the dentist yesterday to have my tooth/gum thing fixed.  I was joking when I put the line in yesterday's post about the painkiller, but he did give me some.  Funny how when a doctor does a consult he tells you it won't hurt any worse than a pizza burn on the roof of your mouth.  Then when he gets you down in the chair, and you've already paid and when he is injecting you with the numbing shot his story changes....He started talking about prescrptions for painkillers and giving me enormous cotton swabs that I will use as a toothbrush for the next few days.  Great.  I don't remember ever needing cotton swabs or pills to deal with a "pizza burn" in the past.  But I do think I found the solution to my eating problem, at least for the next few days....stiches in my lower gum line and a hole where he took the skin from the roof of my mouth.  You have to weigh amount of pain caused by eating said item with satisfaction of eating the item.  So far nothing tastes good enough to have to dig it out from my stitches.  Problem least for today.

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