Nervous Nibbling

I have a problem - I am an emotional eater.  That would explain why the scales took a serious upswing around the fall of 2005 and never looked back.  Things finally leveled off for a few years then the Illinois incident of 2010 happened and it drastically climbed again.  In fact I avoided the scales for months after that awful trip.  Last summer/fall I felt like I finally got a little bit of control over the "eating to compensate for the frustrations I felt in other areas of my life".  I was far from being cured, but I was seeing vast improvements.  Then we had the deal with Baby C and I started to find myself slipping back into bad habits and I fought really hard to not got totally back there.  I think I did a fairly good job of managing my food issues.  Now this week has happened and I am a mess!  If I'm not checking my email or phone I'm looking or thinking about what I could put in my mouth.  I hate this!!  I'm four days into the week and I've had popcorn chicken THREE TIMES.  Chicken has been my comfort food for some reason the last few months...having a bad day?  How about some chicken? Don't mind if I do! Yes, it is weird.  The only day I did not have popcorn chicken was Tuesday and that was because I was going to take Cade to Mazzio's for pizza buffet that night.  I did manage to control myself somewhat Tuesday during the day.  And after I ate the Mazzio's I did my normal "why did I do that to myself"?  But that is mostly because Mazzio's really bothers my stomach but still I eat it...like an idiot.  Thankfully that night it didn't bother me like it normally does...I think I figured out the culprit that would make me curl into a ball for days afterwards.  But still, why did I do it?  Oh, I could tell myself it was to see Cade's little face light up when I told him, but honestly....I was too physically/emotionally exhausted to go home and cook for the two of us...I didn't want to deal with homework and cooking by myself...and some cinnamon breadsticks would be a really good salve for the fact that my phone IS STILL NOT RINGING.

 There is no telling what I may try to eat next.  It is such a viscious cycle...feel blah so I eat more, which makes me feel more blah.... Forget exercising, Jay isn't home right now so that's not really an option.  We have got to get through the rest of Jay's contest season and see some sunshine because otherwise I don't know what may happen....I just hope I come out of this cycle of waiting still able to wear the same pants I did a week a ago!

And besides the nervous eating, I've developed a habit of nervous clicking on my mouse.  I'm sure everyone in the office can hear...click, click, click, click.  It's like if I click on enough different things on my computer something is going to magically happen to my phone....like clicking on yahoo to check my email a million times a day is going to make a difference?  Or see what is going on in the world on MSNBC or Fox.  I just checked it 5 minutes ago, but maybe if I click on it again I'll see some article that says "Yes, Crystal Your Wait is Over".  And why would I even begin to think clicking on a news site right now would be a good idea, especially when I'm already stressed?  How dumb is that?

I did go to the dentist yesterday to have my tooth/gum thing fixed.  I was joking when I put the line in yesterday's post about the painkiller, but he did give me some.  Funny how when a doctor does a consult he tells you it won't hurt any worse than a pizza burn on the roof of your mouth.  Then when he gets you down in the chair, and you've already paid and when he is injecting you with the numbing shot his story changes....He started talking about prescrptions for painkillers and giving me enormous cotton swabs that I will use as a toothbrush for the next few days.  Great.  I don't remember ever needing cotton swabs or pills to deal with a "pizza burn" in the past.  But I do think I found the solution to my eating problem, at least for the next few days....stiches in my lower gum line and a hole where he took the skin from the roof of my mouth.  You have to weigh amount of pain caused by eating said item with satisfaction of eating the item.  So far nothing tastes good enough to have to dig it out from my stitches.  Problem solved...at least for today.

Some randomness probably induced by a rapid heart rate and high blood pressure....

We’ve had a stressful last couple of days. Normally we don’t tell many people, if any, when our profile is shown. There have only been a handful of times we’ve ever said anything…maybe if we were feeling particularly fragile at the time of the showing or if someone directly asks us if anything was going on. The longer this has gone on the less and less we say anything. It is so physically and emotionally exhaustive that I feel bad dragging anyone else into it. And honestly, I think I’m also kind of embarrassed…I hate having to go back to people and say….


Sorry, false alarm.
Thanks for getting yourself worked up on our behalf though, but yet again we were not chosen.
No, I don’t know why we weren’t picked.
No, our agency has plenty of activity, we just haven’t been picked for any of them.
We just have to believe that God has a plan and that wasn’t our time or our baby.

BLAH!!!!

So this weekend we had three different situations come up. This was on the heels of the 5 different rejects from the last two weeks. We were even called on a SUNDAY, which is way out of our norm. I hear these fairy tales of people getting calls in the evenings or the weekends or even Sunday mornings when they were sick and did not go to church that day and wouldn’t you know it that was the moment they got the call and if they had been in church they would’ve missed it, etc etc. But we have yet to see anything like that. Finally we did. We thought maybe this is finally a good sign? (and we didn’t even have to miss church to get the call!) We had both read the book Heaven is for Real the past week and there was a really good point in there. When they were in the hospital and their son was very ill, they knew they needed other people to pound heaven with their prayers on the boy’s behalf. I think Sunday morning we were at that point. We needed help, because after 3 ½ years of this we just couldn’t do it on our own anymore. We needed help, and I know there have been lots and lots and lots of prayers said on our behalf.

AND now we wait. We did get an update yesterday and while none of them were a flat out No, some things have happened and it’s going to take some time.  We really don't know what will happen with any of these.  While that caused my heartrate to slow somewhat, it is still elevated. I want an update, but yet I fear seeing an email from anyone connected the agency. I want to know something, anything, but yet fear hearing our 6th, 7th or even 8th No for the month. I JUST WANT MY STINKING PHONE TO RING!!!

I was talking to my dad today and trying to express this feeling of frustration I have….I’m scared to get an email but yet I’m so angry when my computer sits there just silently mocking me. I get so angry just watching my phone sit on my desk in complete silence. I am just willing it to ring…but when it does I am so disappointed to see it is someone who even though I love them I don’t want it to be a phone call from them. It really is taking all the self-control that I have to not pick up my phone and computer and toss them out the window that is just mere inches away. I think the sound of exploding plastics and electronics would feel so satisfying right now. But then I’d worry…did I just miss an email? If they can’t get me will they call Jay and will he even know what baby we were picked for because there have been so many he can’t keep any of them straight (it also doesn’t help that out of the 8 situations in the last couple of weeks 5 of moms have the same name). It really is hard to keep all of them straight, especially for Jay. Sometimes I wish I had that ability to not think about it constantly, but I don’t. If they gave out heights, weights and SS# of the mom’s, I’d also have all of that memorized.

Also while talking to my dad today something else dawned on me. I’ve had problems with high blood pressure for exactly the last 3.5 years. I don’t take medication for it because I think it is partly white coat syndrome, which I’ve inherited from my dad. A doctor can do any test on me he wants…draw blood, give me shots, etc. BUT when they come at me with the blood pressure cuff I loose my mind, which in turn makes my blood pressure rise. Even at Wal Mart if I see one of those machines my heart rate speeds and my hands get sweaty…even typing this right now is making my hands sweat….My BP was high one time and it freaked me out so now all I can think is it’s going to be high, it’s going to be high. So I’m not sure if it is actually high or if it is my mental problem making it high. After experiencing the rapid heart rate and constant stress of the last few days it made me realize that this waiting may in fact have something to do with my higher than normal BP? I hadn’t ever thought about it before but it all started at the time we started waiting for the adoption. I’m just in a constant state of stress….cortisol has to be running through my system continuously!

Jay and I talked about it this morning and what we need is a vacation. The last time we did anything fun was…..can’t remember. Disneyland may have been the last time we did anything that seemed to be a stress reliever rather than even more of a stressor. But, I don’t believe we will be going anywhere anytime soon…instead I get a trip to the dentist today. Maybe I’ll just ask for some really good painkillers….

The Lapse in Blogging

Sorry for the recent lag in blogging. I have all sorts of pictures and stories I need to post about Cade's birthday, but I was sick last week. That really, really bad type where you don't know if you are going to make it or not. I haven't felt that way in years, luckily though Saturday afternoon I finally made the switch to the land of feeling good and I knew I was going to survive. On Friday Jay started getting it so we went to Urgent Care and got him some Tamiflu. I'm not sure how the mom was the only one who didn't get any Tamiflu and had to fight hers the old fashioned way, but that's how it turned out. Thankfully though I believe we are one the road to recovery this week. But looking back on my days of not feeling good at the beginning of last week have made me laugh. I kept thinking it was a cold and I was going to feel better any day. I did not need to go to the doctor. Clearly there were some signs at the beginning of the week that I either ignored or I was too out of it to realize there was something going on…

1. FCS has something called the Patronage Program. Every year we give our customers back a dividend on their stock they have invested in our organization. This year it was a huge deal because we did not give one in 2010. The week before we had a big customer appreciation day and handed out these checks. These dividend checks were sitting on our receptionists' desk in bright yellow orange envelopes. Over 400 checks in bright envelopes just waiting for their owners to pick them up before we mailed them out later in the week. Hard to miss. Monday morning I had a customer call(we will call them #1) and she needed a check cut from a loan they have with us. She told me to mail the check. All was good and fine. Then another customer (#2) sent her daughter in to pick up her check. These two last names are nothing similar, but apparently in my mind I got them confused. I thought "well, she told me to mail it"! I was quite irritated. So I handed the daughter the check I had cut from customer #1's loan. She looked and it and said no, that is the wrong last name. She said her mom talked to Pam and Pam said their check was here. I completely freaked out internally. My armpits started sweating. I thought did I cut the check from the wrong loan? Did I think I was talking to one customer and was actually talking to another? What in the world had I screwed up? Total panic set in. I asked Darrell if he was working on a new loan for customer #2, he wasn't. Customer #2's daughter started to get irritated so she called her mom to make sure she was in the right place. I could overhear customer #2 on the phone and she didn't' seem to be pleased. Don't forget while my mind was completely freaking out I was coughinig, aching and snotting over everything in the office. I was never so thankful to see Pam return from lunch. Since I didn't seem to be able to control anything in my body I was afraid I might start sobbing from sheer terror and frustration at any moment. Pam walked right in and went to the enormous stack of patronage checks and pulled out exactly what customer #2's daughter was looking for. I was so embarrassed. How in the world did I manage to over look a huge stack of 400+ checks. Thanks to the flu I will forever be known to customer #2 and the daughter as the airhead of FCS. Nice.
   

   
    

2. Moment #2 occurred with Cade and a Donkey Basketball game that same day. A week earlier the thought of taking Cade to this fundraiser at the high school was a great idea. The day of the actual game the thought of it made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I did not want to go, but I had promised him. Jay was gone so I knew I had to pull myself together and take him. Unfortunately for poor Cade I wasn't very nice about it. He likes to take toys with him everywhere he goes. Most of the time that is ok, but when I got in the car Monday night and saw those Transformers I lost it. I think I looked like Chevy Chase when every one tried to leave the house after the Christmas Eve disaster….Oh, no no no…I am paying $16 for the two of us to go to this game and you will not take in toys. Cade's response was "what if there is nothing to do"? I said "It's people riding donkey's playing basketball, surely you can find something to do". That caused some tears from Cade. He kept saying "don't yell at me" I kept saying "I'm not", in my not so nice voice. It was a rough night. At half time Cade told me it wasn't what he expected. I could've told him that – we have about the same sense of humor….watching Parks and Rec where they ride a ferris wheel to try and spot a missing miniature horse is hilarious….watching people fall off of donkeys is mildly entertaining for 5 minutes. But I was determined to teach Cade a lesson – we paid good money to come to this game and we are not leaving at half time. Why is it when you try to teach your kids a lesson it really ends of biting you? I could've left at half time but instead I made us both tough out the rest of the game.
   

Finally Tuesday I broke down and called the doctor. As much as I hated to go I had to admit some thing to myself….really, was I doing any good as an employee or as a mother? Would I be more productive if I went to the doctor and maybe took a day off rather than giving everyone who walked in my office the death stare? The look where if you hand me one more thing to do you're going to pull back a stump. Or before I did any more psychological damage to my child. So Tuesday afternoon I went to the doctor – I had a fever and I left with an antibiotic and bronchitis (which also turned into the flu). Yes! (with an arm pump). There is something strangely satisfying about actually leaving the doctors office with something to show for your time and money.

9

I can't believe this boy is 9 today. Happy Birthday Cade!!



I think he thought double the Arkansas shirts today for his party would work best. The total # of boys invading our house tonight is 6....7 counting Cade...9 kids total counting Avery and Lawson. I guess that is a good number 9 kids at a 9th party. Jay and I must be insane.


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34 and other ramblings.....

Today I am 34.  WOW.  Not wow as in I'm old, but WOW my 30's are going so fast.  I clearly remember a picture Cade and I took together on my 30th birthday.  Wasn't that just yesterday?  I have no idea why, but looking back on my life it really feels like 30 to 34 has gone way faster than 20 to 24.  I find that to be strange because some of my bigger life changing things happened in my 20's....college, marriage, moving, current job, getting pregnant, etc.  My 30's (so far) have been a time of doing the same thing over and over...same job, same house, same infertility/adoption thing....I'm not complaining at all - I'm just surprised at how fast it is going.  I think though that Cade has a lot to do with that.  My life has definitely sped up a lot since March 19, 2002. 

I need to get my license renewed becasue it expires today.  I was telling my mom I wasn't renewing it until I could get my haircut & highlighted.  I did not want to look at the same picture of my 6 inches of roots for the next 6 years...and then it dawned on me.  The next time my license is renewed I will be 40!!!  My mom said I really did not need to point that out to her.  I guess no matter how old your kid gets, it doesn't get any easier to see them
grow up. 


I will be spending my birthday mucking out our house.  That was not what I had originally planned to do when I decided to take a vacation day today earlier in the month. I am admitting something here today - I am quite ashamed of the state of my house at this moment.  Sunday/Monday I spent most of the day holding Cade while he was sick, Tuesday we had an open house at work so I worked late and I was so exhausted when I got home, Wednesday night I had a church meeting and Thursday I got my 6 inches of roots under control.  That leaves Friday to take care of a week's worth of mess.  This is how bad it is - every night Cade comes out of his room and says he doesn't have any jammies and I direct him to the pile of clean laundry on the couch.  Wednesday night I needed a book I had bought over the weekend for my church meeting.  I could not find it anywhere.  I couldn't decide if it was hidden under a pile of something or if I left it at the doctors office.  Luckily I left it at the drs office (which they had it) instead of losing it in the mess in the house.  I really like a clean house, but sometimes it just gets out of control.  That happens a lot when someone gets sick around our house.  I hope I'm not the only one who looses control of the laundry and mess around their house....or has to move a bunch of crap off the table to locate the box of Tamiflu.  Cade asked me Thursday morning if we were ever going to get this place cleaned up.  I told him we were leaving it so his friends could see it.  He wasn't too fond of that idea.   

We hope to have the extra guests to Cade's party nailed down by today.  Cade surprised me Wednesday night by saying he wanted to add another one.  That would bring the total up to 6 boys (including Cade) I don't know if my nerves or the walls in my house can handle that.  Jay and I weren't sure about adding another one to the mix but Cade said "Please, he seemed in such high spirits when I told him about it".  How can we be responsibile for bringing down a kid's spirit?  Cade really knows how to work us.

March 17, 2002

Cade has started a new game for us to play in the car. Each of us gets a turn and we tell the other two one of our favorite memories. It is actually a fun game that we can all participate in – unlike the guess the NFL team. I’m usually left far behind on that one. A couple of weeks ago this memory came to me so I thought I’d record it….


The average pregnancy for a woman is 280 days (40 weeks x 7 days). Out of my 279 days of pregnancy (Cade was born 4 minutes before his due date of March 20th) March 17 sticks out the most. It was a miserable day. Also when I look back on it that day must’ve had 48 hours in it or something. We did a lot on March 17, 2002.

We woke up and I had a few minor contractions and Jay made me go for a walk. They stopped so it was a false alarm. We made it to our church’s 8:30 service. I was so uncomfortable we left before Sunday School. We went to my office and Jay helped me catch up on a few things. He pulled a few of our really big, heavy, awkward files out for me so I could get through my filing stack. Then we ate Mexican – hoping the old wives tale was correct – and it would throw me into labor. Then we went to the mall in Joplin to walk the baby out – didn’t work. Jay told me I needed one of those slow moving vehicle triangles on my back(he’s always the jokster!). I got the 6 month inspection done on my wedding ring. Then we went to Wal Mart and stocked up on everything we would need for awhile, including the ugliest pair of canvas slip on shoes for my hugely swollen feet.

The part about that day though that sticks out the most to me was when I got my ring checked. I swelled horribly while I was pregnant. Towards the end I was putting on 3-4 lbs a week just in fluid. My doctor kept telling me it would come off once I had him – which it did. I lost over 25 pounds of fluid in just the first 4 or 5 days post delivery. But because of the swelling I hadn’t been able to wear my wedding ring since Christmas – the entire last trimester. Somehow I remembered that I needed to have the ring checked in March. It has to be done every March/Sept or my diamond warranty will be void. Looking back I wonder why I waited until the very last second to have it inspected that March, but anyway I got it done. But I had to walk into the mall wearing my wedding ring on my pinky – and that was a tight squeeze. I waddled up to the Zales counter and asked them to clean it and inspect it. When the lady handed it back to me she told me it was a pretty ring – which they all are when they are really clean and under those jewelry store lights. I told her thank you, and that I could not wait to be able to start wearing it again, as I was jamming it back on my pinky. This is when I heard the words that are the equivalent of asking someone when they are due when they aren’t pregnant….the lady said “you know, we can stretch your ring for you so it will fit again”. I felt like she was implying I had gained weight rather than realizing I was pregnant. I have no idea what kind of a look that I gave her or what I said but I remember thinking you have got to be kidding. Could she not tell that I was pregnant? I know as I walked off the lady was probably thinking I was living in a dream world if I thought I was going to loose all that weight and wear my ring again.

Yes, I did get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight after Cade was born. Every pound came off….but I also learned there is something even harder to get rid of than pregnancy pounds….infertility weight, followed by adoption wait weight followed by thought you were going to get a baby but you didn’t and then you had to start taking all kinds of fertility drugs weight….. But at least I can still wear my wedding ring!

3 No’s in 3 Days

I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but here is an adoption update. I go back and forth on what to do/say about these kinds of weeks. I don't want to come across as negative or having a bad attitude about all of this. I am confident that this will work out in God's time…but that doesn't necessarily make these kinds of weeks easier. I also want to be honest so that others reading this have an idea of what waiting for an adoption is like and I want it for my own memories. Our profile has been shown 3 times in 3 days. All 3 were no's. I just got the email notification on the last one a few minutes ago.

These kinds of weeks really shake my faith – I wonder if we are doing the right thing, will this ever work out, did we miss God's voice somewhere along the way, are we not meant to have any more kids….these days/weeks are so hard. I don't know the answer to any of those questions so we just keep doing what we are doing until we know otherwise….

Fighting in our sleep….

I wish we had a video system in our house to record what happens there during the night. I think we would sit around and laugh at ourselves night after night. Jay and I have some of our best fights when we are asleep. I'm not sure how that fits in with the Bible verse telling us to not let the sun go down on our anger…. We will wake up remembering that we were so mad at the other one during the night, but usually can't remember it fully. At least we both usually laugh over it. And Jay is a crazy, hard sleeper who talks in his sleep. I'd like to record some of the conversations I have with him. I'm usually awake, but I can't remember them when I wake up. One of the funniest stories though that I do remember happened when Cade was a new baby. I finally got to bed and Jay was snoring. I asked him to please roll over. He didn't move for a minute. I was getting ready to nudge him again when he started patting me on the back. I asked him what he was doing and he said "you told me to burp the baby". Yes, he gets really out of it when he sleeps.

The last couple of nights have been perfect examples of this. With Cade being sick everything around our house is a mess…the house itself, our sleeping habits, etc. Sometime Sunday night/Monday morning Cade got in bed with us then he started in on his horrible coughing. I got up to get him a drink to see if that would help. When I got out of bed I had this horrible pain in the center of my spine. I wondered what in the heck that was. So then I turned on the light to see what was going on. Cade's sinuses are very irritated right now and I think he had picked his nose during his sleep, which caused it to bleed. It really freaked me out to turn on our lamp and see blood on our white sheets and on his face and shirt. Besides getting him the water I also had to clean up the blood. I tried to wake Jay up because the whole blood thing worried me. He mumbled something about it being ok and then he went back to sleep. I got back into bed and worried about Cade's nose. Finally I couldn't take being squeezed between the two of them any longer. I asked Jay to go to Cade's bed. Jay willingly got up and went. Jay is such a heavy sleeper I worry about leaving the two of them together in bed. He had already tried to roll over on me a couple of times. I'm afraid Cade wouldn't stand a chance when Jay is really sleeping hard. I laid in bed and listened to Cade's horrible cough for the rest of the night.

At 5 am the alarm went off. I was exhausted. Since Cade was on my side of the bed it was a lot of work to reach over and shut it off. I hoped Jay would hear it and get up. No such luck. Finally after hitting snooze a couple of times I had to walk to Cade's room to get him up. I was so tired and not fully awake so I was pretty crabby. I think I yelled at him to get up. Which he did but then got right back in our bed. I decided he wasn't working out so I shut off the alarm. When it went off again at 6:30 he did get out of bed. I alternated between dozing and struggling to reach the alarm when I needed to hit snooze for the next 3o mins. Finally at 7 I realized that I could not remember him getting ready for school. I yelled a couple of times and got no response. I knew I had to get up again and check on him. He was asleep on the couch. I was really tired and really crabby at that point. I remember thinking I was so mad I wanted to spank him. When we talked about it last night Jay doesn't remember much about it.

Last night was about the same. I woke up and realized I was slammed against Jay's back because Cade was in our bed. Remember the pain in my spine the night before? Mystery solved – Cade brought his knees up to the fetal position and rammed them directly into my spine with all of his 75 pounds. He kept pushing and pushing which pushed me even farther onto Jay. Finally at 4 am I could no longer take it. I asked Jay to please go to Cade's room. It was just so much easier for him…I would've had to climb over one of them to get out of bed. Then once I got to Cade's room I would've had to take his clock down and shoved it in a different room and cover it up with something. The tick-tock on it is so loud. Jay doesn't have the issues with the clock like I do. And I don't fully trust Jay to operate the alarm in the mornings. Jay was not nearly as agreeable today as he was yesterday. I got a hateful "not really because I have to get up in an hour". That ticked me off because I had to get up at the same time. Finally he agreed and then stomped off to Cade's room. I think we all slept pretty well for the next hour.

This morning I asked Jay if he remembered getting mad at me during the night. He said he vaguely did. He also asked if there was stomping involved.

When I think about the ridiculous things we fight about I feel so blessed. Half of our fights even occur in the night, when neither one of us can remember what in the world happened. I hear stories of what other couples fight about and our problems are nothing….sleeping issues, moving to a different bed, not being fully awake to deal with sickness. And our fights in the nights usually give us something to laugh about in the morning.

A Typical Birthday Week....

I have no idea why, but Cade has been sick on every birthday but 2 in his short 9 years. I don't know if it is the time of year that his birthday is in or what but it is irritating. We have all been very healthy this year and then BOOM it hit this weekend. Poor kid is afraid his friends won't get to come over on Saturday. We have 6 days to get him healthy (and Jay and I to stay healthy!) before his party.

I ended up taking him to the doctor today. He woke up very crabby and in quite a tiz. I think he is definitely turning male in the way he handles a cold/flu....I know Jay never finds it funny but I do...drop a 400lb piece of metal on his toe that causes it to split open and going to the doctor isn't necessary. But he is first in line at the store to purchase cold medicine if it looks like he might be coming down with one. It just cracks me up, but I'm usually the only one laughing in our home...I think Cade has also crossed over to that side.

So I think Cade is starting to get a little dramatic with his illnesses...then with it being this close to his birthday he is even more upset...then when we left the doctors office and it was sleeting that was the last straw. He got in the car, slammed the door and said in his mad cry voice "SERIOUSLY"!! Poor kid. Last years birthday catastrophe of stomach flu and snow has him on edge. I hope he doesn't look out now...from my position on the couch it looks like a blizzard out there.

The doctor isn't quite sure what he has. He thinks (which I do to) Cade has some allergies that kick in this time of year which weakens his immune system and allows him to catch other crud. He also thinks he is fighting something viral but not necessarily the flu. We left with prescriptions for Singular, cough medicine with codine and Tamiflu (just to be safe). Dr D was very understaning when I said we did not want to cancel with his friends again on Saturday.

Cade must be sick...he is actually laying down...this very rarely happens in our house...

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The Lovebug

Good or Bad I'm afraid the Lovebug has made an appearance in the 3rd grade.  I don't believe I'm real happy about it's appearance.  Thankfully so far Cade has escaped it's evil clutches.  I am so not looking forward to getting into this kind of stuff.

It started Wednesday.  Jay came home and told me he had something really funny to tell me when we were alone.  We ended up running into town for dinner that night.  I don't know what it is about being in a car, but that is Cade's prime time for talking.  At home, unless it is something he wants to talk about, he's like a clam but put him in a car and it is all talk all the time.  So on the way into town Cade started talking about some of the boys in the class who have girlfriends.  So far two boys say they have one, but he couldn't remember what girl one of the boys said was his girlfriend.  I thought that was funny - it's not like there are so many girls in the glass that you can't keep them straight.  So I asked about another boy and if he had a girlfriend.  Cade said he didn't but he told me the boy said "I don't have a girl friend" and it was in a disappointed voice.  I guess that boy wants one?  Then I asked Cade if he wanted a girl friend and he said No (thank you!!) then I asked if there were any girls that wanted him to be their boyfriend.  He reminded me that the girl who did want to be his girlfriend was named Lydia (who has since moved away) and she was weird because she said she was a vampire.  That was then a good opportunity for us to turn the conversation into what you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend.  We explained that it is very important to find someone with the same moral values as you - especially going to church.  That seemed to be like a light bulb for him.  He said he got it, but then he wanted to know how you found out that stuff about a person.  We explained that you would talk to them and get to know them and then you would find out.  Then he told us that if he ever had a girlfriend someday she would not have one of those things in her nose (nose ring).  We said ok...and then I decided to push it a little and ask another question.  I'm never sure how many questions I get so I have to use them wisely...I asked about his feelings on tattoos.  He said he is ok with them as long as no one can see them. 

That whole conversation cracked me up.  I love it when I get these brief opportunities to view the workings of his mind.  I'm not sure if it is because he is a boy or if it is him or a combo of the two, but if he doesn't want to talk he won't talk.  There is no amount of pulling/pushing I can do to get him to tell me about his day at school unless he wants to share it.  So I really have to take advantage of these times when he is willing to talk.  I love it!

Later on I finally got the opportunity to ask Jay about the funny story.  He said that Cade had talked to him about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing.  Cade said "Dad, lets just keep this between the two of us.  We don't need to tell mom".  Jay said Cade asked him how a person got a girlfriend.  It scared me a little because I'm not ready for Cade to even think about a girlfriend.  Jay had a good point, he doesn't think that was why Cade wanted to know.  Cade is probably looking at it from this point of view....If he wants something (like a toy) he buys it...so how does one go about getting a girlfriend?  That made sense and made me feel better. 

Hopefully we convinced him that waiting until college to get a girlfriend would be the best thing. 

AND for those who see Cade on a regular basis  - do not ask him about this.  It will embarrass him.

Birthday Update

I had planned on writing about this birthday planning story earlier in the week. But then I had the whole pant thing happen and I wanted to record it for our memories. Then I had the adoption breakdown yesterday so today I'll tell about the latest on Cade's party……

Last Friday I had planned on emailing Janella about the cake. Then I realized that Cade and I had not really discussed what we wanted to put on the cake. I had thought a football for sure, but then I didn't know if he wanted to add an Arrowhead and a Razorback. I was ok with adding those two to the cake, I just didn't want to commit to a full fledged combo of the two, especially with my paper supplies. Too much red.

So Friday night I brought up the cake while we were eating dinner. For some reason the day's mail was on the table and Jay could not keep himself from flipping through a sale ad of something that he had no intention of buying. He had some sort of weird obsession that night with reading every piece of junk mail that came that day. In fact I said a couple of things to him but he was so intent on the mail that he didn't hear me. I gave up and asked Cade about the cake and started to tell him my idea. All of a sudden, while still flipping through the sale ad, Jay pipes up and says the cake was taken care of. He said it in such a way that it implied it really wasn't a big deal. And he just kept on turning pages in the sale ad. I almost quit breathing – the cake was ordered and we had not talked about what would be on the cake. So I tried to get his attention away from the sale ad to find out what had been ordered. Jay said Oh, it's a Razorback…again not a big deal to him. My mind flashed to the color issue…and the stuff I had ordered had different NFL teams and we were just going to throw some Razorback down on the table. Deep Breaths, Deep Breaths. I asked why he ordered a Razorback. He said that Janella called him for a 4-H issue and since she was on the phone already he decided to take care of the cake. He asked Cade what he wanted so that's how we ended up with the Razorback. I can imagine that phone call…It probably took place in the truck…Janella called and instead of wiping one thing off her to do list she got to add another…Jay probably had to pause in the conversation to ask Cade what he wanted which then would've led to another big pause while Cade thought about it…then to speed up the process Jay would've thrown out the Razorback idea…Cade would've agreed and it would be ordered. Cake ordering was wiped off of Jay's to do list, the matter was temporarily forgotten ...until I found out about it. Then I had lots of questions that Jay wasn't sure about…what size did you order, when are we picking it up, what day will it be ready, etc. I was trying to adjust my thinking to the Razorback idea – since that was what Cade wanted I was going to make myself be ok with it. But then Cade must've known I was unsure about my whole decorating scheme because he said "Well, actually I like your idea". Jay just shrugged his shoulders and kept looking at his sale ad. I think he is used to me getting a little crazy this time of year. It doesn't phase him anymore. I emailed Janella Monday and got the details lined out on the cake.

The other issue we are having is who/# of kids to invite over. My first plan was to have Cade pick 1 friend. I would take Cade and this one friend to do something that day and then they'd stay for the party and spend the night. Then Cade wanted to stretch it to 2. I wasn't as crazy about taking 3 boys into public by myself, but I thought I could make it work. Then I felt guilty about leaving out another boy so I thought about adding another one, but then I started running out of seatbelts and safe places to put kids in my car. Now I don't know what to do with them all….me alone all day with 4 boys seems like a good way to give me a nervous breakdown…especially while getting ready for a party. But I'd have to take out a loan to take them to the movies, but yet I can't tie any of them to the trunk of the car so there is no way to even get them there. THEN last night Cade mentioned adding another boy. My head was about to explode so I told him we'd table that discussion until a later date. Five boys in my home for the day. I must be a weak parent because the thought of that makes me kind of crazy. I am so used to the 2 on 1 parenting style that 1 on 5 sounds terrifying. Since Jay will be at a FFA contest in Mac County that day he's decided to step out of this planning and do the classic "I'll be gone so you do what you think is best" thing – which I'm wise to that trick, because I've used it myself. It really means "I don't want to make a decision about this so I'm leaving it up to you".

Things like this happen to me all the time. I have no idea at what point I tend to loose control of situations….you start things out small and the next thing you know your ordering 8 identical red dresses for wedding attendants and Jay's running out of men to have stand up with him…or you find yourself out in the backyard twisting the tail of a cow and pushing on her rump while staring at a hog house in the woods while an annoying dog barks around your ankles…or your driving all over Joplin trying to chase down the helium tank that did not get delivered to the school as promised so that you can air up the balloons that you purchased for your child's first birthday party….or you decide that just changing up the mantle decorations is not enough so you buy 14 yards of material for new curtains and then decide that new pillows would also be a good thing and then think that putting piping on the pillows would be even better so then your setting up a sweat shop in your living room and enlisting the help of your mother so that you can get it done before the 4 little boys and the rest of your family converge on your house….I could go on and on about all the times I've lost control of situations. That's probably why I freaked out a little about the cake….

Stress!!!

Any more when I see an email from either of our adoption agencies in my inbox it stresses me. I will click on it hoping that it will be something good that will lead to something even better, but honestly most of the time it just stresses me out. When we first started waiting they would usually just show our profile to anyone who fit our "criteria". They would only let us know on those situations that were a little out of our perfectly neat little checkbox answers. Then we would have to say yes or no to having it shown. Now they just notify us all the time and get our permission. I would guess that stems from the fact it is really hard to answer those questions….drugs, drinking, family health history, etc. Most of our answers ended up being "would consider" on just about every one. I'm assuming most of the other families are the same way. Since each situation is so unique it is hard to have a definite yes or no answer to anything…except two particular things that scare the pants off of me. Those we say no to all the time. A person has to know their limits.

Part of me likes the new way of doing things. There is a weird little part of me that has to know everything – so I need to know if someone is looking. I also like that our agency gives us some freedom from those checkboxes and we get to decide case by case if we feel comfortable. There are some days I'd agree to be shown for about anything…then there are days one thing 3 generations back could cause me to gnaw off every fingernail. Those are the days I hate…..

When we get those emails that I have no idea if we should say yes or no it stresses me. We have anywhere from a few days to just a matter of hours to give the agency an answer. It is just so stinkin' hard sometimes. There are phone calls and texts back and forth between Jay and I….which all occur at work with kid ruckus on his end and dead silence on mine so that every word I say echoes off of the office walls. Sometimes there are quick internet searches…but mostly just a lot of "I don't knows" are said.

Then once we agree to be shown, it gets even more stressful. Especially when it is a cold call and a decision will be made immediately. Then I stress because I'm afraid I will see another email with the subject line of _______ Baby. Those are the equivalent of a Dear John letter…..thanks for being open to ________ and her baby, but she has chosen another family. Every time my phone makes a peep or the office phone rings I jump a mile. I can not concentrate on anything at work. I get sweaty and sick to my stomach. Then if it is a situation where they expect it take several weeks for a family to be picked it is pure torture. I do feel a little better because I know I've got a few days before I can start worrying about getting the "Dear Pathetic Family" email. But then I wonder if it really is any better. It just gives me more time to build up hope, when in reality we could've been the profile that got left behind at the agency because our house is brown and we have a dog (which Jay doesn't even like) and the family prefers people with yellow houses and cats. Times like those I wish they'd just email me and say Sorry, but you didn't even make it to the Top 10…actually you were at the very bottom. So those are times I wish I had no idea when our profile was being shown.

In the last few years the agency has also started sending out monthly updates. It gives us an idea how many expectant families they are working with. At times those are good because it gives us an idea of what is going on, but at other times it can be hard. It is depressing to get it in October and see the closest due date is June. At the time I think "man if we don't have a placement by June I will loose my mind". A lot of "June's" have come and gone and come and gone again since we've been waiting….I guess I still have my mind??? If anyone tells you they just love adoption or they have a "heart" for adoption or it was just the best time of their lives or whatever then they are either lying…or they endured too many "Junes" and lost their minds!

When did that darn stork quit delivering babies? Things were much simpler in those days….

The Pant Problem

Saturday my mom came over to help me work on new living room curtains. I need 4 panels and the total of each panel has to be 110 inches finished.  That means there was a lot of material spread out on our living room. floor. I spent a good part if the day crawling around measuring the pieces.  Since I was dealing with 14.5 yards of two different kinds of material I took my time.  When you need pieces that long you definitely want to live by the "measure twice cut once" code. 

So I was in a weird hunched over position most of the day with my eyes close to the tape measure trying to very carefully mark the fabric. When you add the fact I was crawling around in the floor I had a problem with my pants. With every crawl I made it would pull them down little by little. I don't think it was bad enough to be classified as a plumber problem, but they were lower than normal.  Cade could not handle this.  A couple of times he came over and tried to yank my jeans up while I was hunched over.  That did not help at all because my knees were the things causing the problem.  They were all bunched there.  After a couple of his comments - which included "Grandma, I'm glad your pants aren't doing that" (which Grandma wasn't the one in the weird position) I decided to change into workout pants.

I came out of our room and asked Cade if these pants would suit him.  He said he needed to see what happened with them once I started on the material again.  The knit fabric started out ok, but then they slowly stretched out and I started having the same problem again. Again, it was not bad, just lower than normal. Every two minutes Cade would tell me to pull them up.    When you were in the middle of doing what I was doing it was really hard to do that.  I didn't want to move excesively because I was right on top of the stretched out material.  I was trying to be as still as possible and keep the material smooth. 

Finally the comment that clinched the whole day, and if I'm being honest - hurt my feelings a little, came that evening  long after the material was cut, folded and put away for the day.....

C:  Mom, you just remind me of a girl at school
Me:  (For a brief second  I thought...look alike, similar haircut, sound alike, etc) Oh really, why is that
C:  Her name is A and she is in the 2nd grade and her butt shows all the time at lunch.  It really grosses me out....
And again that is probably another reason why Cade doesn't eat much lunch at school.  When he gets grossed out he can't eat...

I have to admit that I lost it a little - I informed him that I am not like that - I go out in public every day and never have that problem.  This was a one time thing, it does not happen every day.   AND if it bothered him that much he could just leave the room! 

I guess I should try to see this as a good thing.  It might give me some insight into what Cade will look for in a girlfriend/wife....probably a Mennonite....

And the decision is....

We have finally made the decision that usually ends up being the biggest thing we decide on all year – Cade’s Birthday Theme. Someday his wife will curse me when she has to plan themed birthday parties for him. Drumroll please…..It is a Football theme. Surprise, Surprise. We toyed with a Chiefs/Razorback theme, but my head could not wrap around two different shades of red with the decorations. It was too much for me and felt too all over the place.

While the dress code won’t quite be like the SEC’s we will put on the invitations to wear something from your favorite sport team. I’m thinking it doesn’t even have to be football related. If I were a true SEC girl I’d wear something like this….

I have no idea how those girls climb up the hill that Jay has have to climb to get back to the truck.  It is a killer in tennis shoes, I can't imagine hiking it in a pair of heels.  And we visited Tennesse's stadium in Knoxville last May.  It's also not the best situated place to walk to in a pair of heels either.  It has got to be a southern thing.  Their feet are more accustomed to hills and heels (ha, ha that's funny!).  Definitely more so than my raised 30 miles from Kansas flatlander feet  but I've digressed.... Since I’m not a true SEC girl (and my feet say THANK YOU)  I’ll just wear a t-shirt.   I’m even thinking a Miller t-shirt since that would technically be my favorite team. But just to be safe I’ll get a pre-approval on that from the birthday boy. I also have a Chiefs and a Razorback shirt so I’ll wear the one Cade wants me to.  I may need to balance it out because I'm afraid the house will be swaying very much in one direction....

And for those of you attending who don’t have a sports shirt we will still let you in the door (Charity) because if we will let in someone wearing MU stuff (Megan) we will let in anyone. Ha Ha, sorry I couldn’t resist it. You know we love you no matter who your favorite team is!

The Middle, Math and Football

Does anyone else watch The Middle? It is on ABC Wednesday nights at 7:00 central time. I think it is one of the funniest shows on TV. And I also like it because Cade can watch it with us and there aren't any awkward moments where we have to quickly change the channel. If you happened to catch last nights episode it was one of the funniest ones I've seen. But it happened to be identical our life that very day…

Brick is the little boy on the show who is in the 3^rd grade . We've had several people ask us if we watch the show because they think Cade is a lot like Brick. That doesn't bother us because we've thought the same thing. They even look alike – I think it is the hair cut. So last night Frankie (the mom) was going through Brick's bag and it was like déjà vu. The bag was packed full of crap…food, wrinkled papers, books, etc. It looked identical to what I sift through in Cade's bag. Then Frankie pulled out a piece of paper that was very wadded up – Brick got a D on a math test. So that meant they had to start helping Brick with his math homework which they didn't want to do. Every time they helped their kids with homework it never turned out well. The show flashed back to them helping their older kids…which included crying and the parents saying "JUST WRITE IT DOWN". So familiar. The show went on with a battle over math between Frankie and Brick's teacher. Frankie ended up getting in trouble with the principal. She found out they had a file on her that had notes from previous meetings…she jumped to conclusions, over emotional, etc. Again – so familiar.

 

Yesterday we had an experience similar to that. Cade had a math test. The way our school teaches math puts Jay and I into a tailspin. It is called Everyday Math and I know some schools use it and like it, but Jay and I don't (Sorry Shelley!). Jay has been on a crusade with math this year. Yesterday he talked to Cade's teacher, the elementary math teacher, the Elementary Principal and the Superintendant. I'm just glad he is the one at school all the time so he does all the dirty work and looks like the crazy over involved parent. They probably have a file started on him somewhere…like refused to let the math issue drop, excessive e-mails to 3^rd grade teacher, too many phone calls to the math teacher, etc. But I'm the one on the other end of it saying "You need to e-mail Ms. C and ask her…." He's just the one doing all the work. There are benefits to working in the school system your child attends.

 

Yesterday Jay caught the Superintendant after a faculty meeting. Jay gave him the spill on why this EDM is not working for Cade. Jay also explained that we know Cade is smart and he has the ability to learn, but his math skills do not reflect that. He told the Sup that Cade has memorized all of these NFL facts so we know he can learn. About that time Cade was wandering the HS halls looking for Jay so he walked up to them. Thankfully it was one of those moments where Cade did exactly what we needed him to do. The Sup asked Cade who is favorite NFL team was and Cade answered the Chiefs. So then he asked Cade who the QB was and Cade said Matt Cassel. Then he asked Cade where Matt Cassel went to school and Cade said USC. Thankfully that confirmed what Jay had been telling him.

 

Last night when Jay told me this story I asked him if Cade knew that the Sup's brother had played in the NFL. Jay said that unfortunately Cade did know. One of the first times Cade met him he said "so did your brother really play in the NFL"? I'm sure he's only been asked that 1M times in his life. Jay was a little embarrassed by it…..and then sometimes there are disadvantages to working in the same school system your kid attends. They are with you all of the time. All. The. Time.

 

I don't know if ABC has that episode where you can view it but if it does you should check it out. It will give you some insight into our lives every night and it may give you a glimpse into your own future.

More on yesterday’s post…

Shelley's comment from yesterday kind of nailed another thing that has been annoying me about these blogs. I typed that last one in a hurry so I didn't address that aspect of it. They are painting adoption to be such a rosy, all good all the time, kind of picture. And that is not the case. I don't see them addressing the heartbreak of the families who are placing their children with them. They don't address the fact that even though they are matched with a baby that baby is not theirs yet. The placing family could still decide not to place when it comes down to it. Until TPR is signed, that baby still belongs to the biological family. At the hospital the adoptive family has no say over what happens to that baby…they aren't even privy to the baby's medical condition. It just annoys me so much the way these adoptive families are talking about babies that aren't even theirs yet. And I don't understand how they do not know all of this stuff? And it annoys me that other people are reading these blogs and thinking that is how adoption is.

This is sort of all over the board here – but one thing that I have wondered about with our two matches were the fact the babies were boys. Had they been circumcised yet? I knew that Jay and I had no say over if that would take place in the hospital or not. If the bio mother's wanted it done then it would be done – if not, then it wouldn't be done. We would definitely respect the mother's wishes and would not push to have that done at that time. Then I wondered if it wasn't done at that time, would we be able to have it done in the 6 months that the baby was technically a ward of the adoption agency? Would we need to wait until after finalization to have them circumcised? Which then that gets into the whole other thing of it turning into a much bigger procedure than when they are an infant in the hospital. I know that story is just kind of stuck in here – but the point is – THE BABY IS NOT YOURS YET! You have to think about those kinds of things….and people starting to explore adoption need to think about those things. They don't need to continually read these blogs of where it is one positive thing after another.

And that is where I find adoption tricky. It is a fine line of needing to be positive about the experience because no one is going to go through life with a sad sack attitude thinking "see my baby, she is beautiful, but I can never be happy because she will have a rotten life because she was torn away from her bio family". But also balancing the pain you know the bio family is feeling with your happiness and doing what is best for the baby. When I think about all that responsibility that adoptive families have it makes my head spin. When I start reading too many stories on the internet about the really ugly, negative things people say about adoption or the overly gushy sickening sweet stories I get overwhelmed. That's when I have to hit the little X in the right hand corner and step away from it for awhile. And that is also when I pray/know that God will get us through those tricky moments when they occur. I know that He will help me balance all of this stuff. I'm just so thankful that I've had time to explore all of this stuff about adoption so I know what I have to try and balance out. I can't imagine having such an unrealistic attitude toward adoption and then having reality slap me in the face once the child is here and we are dealing with a crisis. Talk about a major wake up call!

And also, this is another side note that annoyed me on one blog. They went on and on about how from an early age they knew God was calling them to adopt an orphan. And they did adopt after an exactly 9 month wait…but it was a Domestic Infant Adoption. I'm sorry, but in my mind that was not an orphan. An orphan is a child whose parents left then in an orphanage in Russia or China, or a child whose parents were killed by the AIDS epidemic in Africa or the earthquake in Haiti. I know there is no black/white answer for every adoption situation, but I would have to say that in my mind the majority of babies placed for DIA would not be classified as orphans. I think what irritated me about that was it seemed like the adoptive parents were using the term "orphan" to justify their adoption…and it just sounds better since God called us to take care of the widows and orphans.

I think it sounds better because when you really think about it adoption can seem selfish. I want another baby. I want to hold an infant again and I want to experience all of those firsts one more time with a child. I want Cade to experience the sibling bond. I want to hear those baby laughs and squeals in the house that we bought with the image of another baby running through it. For whatever reason Jay and I can't do that on our own so we chose adoption. And we chose it with the knowledge that God will guide us through all of the tricky things that will come up before, during and after a placement. But I have never once believed that it would be a walk in the park…and for sure if I didn't know it at the beginning 41 months later I should start to figure it out!

And I don't want this to come across as me being a negative type of person. Or a meanie who is judging someone's thoughts and feelings. Yes, I probably do tend to sway more on the negative side of things, but I can honestly say I feel more hopeful about where we are at in our adoption than I ever have before. I really know I can feel God working…probably more on my heart and my patience than anything, but I do feel like we are in a good spot. I've just been so annoyed by some of the things I've read lately because they are so unrealistic. But then again leaving a comment on a blog saying "you know you could wait upwards of 4, 5 or 6 years for a baby" probably isn't the nicest thing to say. Even if it is the truth!

And another off the topic comment, but I've been thinking about our online profile. I wonder how many people who previously adopted with BCS still check their website. Do those who were in our "adoption class" at BCS ever look and still see our smiling faces on the website. I wonder if they wonder if we have some sort of a problem? Is there some weird thing about us that runs people off or do they think we are waiting on that perfect baby with the perfect background to fall into our laps? I also wonder if the BCS employees will have a party when they finally get to put PLACEMENT across our faces? They have got to be tired of looking at us. By this point they should know us as well as we know ourselves! They've had the opportunity to read 1 homestudy and 3 updates. Honestly, they probably know more about us then our own families do. Those are just some off the wall thoughts I've had lately!

Annoyed…and thankful

I've stumbled onto some adoption blogs lately that have highly annoyed me. Why? I'm honestly not sure….Some annoy me by the way they talk about adoption…some annoy me by the way they so boldly announce how many weeks until the baby they are matched with is due…complete with baby's name (weird!)…some of the comments left really annoy me because they don't know what they are talking about even when I think they should know what they are saying. I understand comments from people who know nothing about adoption asking questions, but good grief if you admit to being a waiting family you should not find the fact that an agency encourages an expecting family to wait until at least the 7-8 month of pregnancy to start looking at profiles "interesting". I'm annoyed because so many of them either waited exactly 9 months for a placement or they strongly believe it will only take a few months…I'm also annoyed that they refer to themselves as "preggers on paper"…which the term preggers already annoys me so putting it with "on paper" doubly annoys me. …even though I haven't read it yet I'm sure at least one of them needed exactly $1, 678.14 to complete their adoption fund and today they walked out to the mail and there was a check for that exact amount down to the penny waiting for them.

And I know that me being annoyed by all of these positive people thanking God for their blessings of babies, and short waits, and checks with exact amounts needed sounds so crabby of me. And I know that I don't know their whole stories so I don't know they pain they have endured…but most of them haven't even been married for as long as we've been trying for #2 so even that annoys me…BUT how easy is it to thank God and praise Him when everything seems to go so smoothly with adoption?

I think maybe that is what is annoying me. And I don't want to say this and it sound like I'm a horrible person, but I'm so tired of the sticky sweet gagging blogs I've read about adoption. I'm tired of those matched after a short period of time going on and on about how great God is and how those of us still waiting need to be patient because He really does have a plan in mind. That last line really annoyed me because they've only been married for about the same amount of time Jay and I have been working with BCS.

So we are waiting, we've been waiting for a loooong time, we've put our hearts and our profiles out there a million times and had them broke about every time, things have definitely not been easy for us, I still get nervous every time I know our profile is being shown and I still shed a tear or two when we aren't picked… But God is still good . He has still blessed us over and over even when we don't deserve it. Even when I'm not getting my way I can say thank you God for what you've done for me. I can even thank Him for this horribly long wait because I've learned so much about adoption and myself. I'm not a sticky sweet kind of person so this is the best I can do – God is good all the time!!! And I definitely know he has a plan for all of this and I am OK with that.

And I'm so glad I never referred to myself as "preggers on paper" because you all realize I could've give birth to an elephant 1.5 times by now….