Riding in a car with a boy...

***I thought of another one this afternoon.  Added it to the bottom.

Right now we are starting one of Jay’s busiest times of the school year – FFA contest season. He is gone several nights a week from now until the end of April…meetings, contests, practices, etc. It can be hectic for all of us. But one benefit is that Cade and I spend a lot of time together in the car. Being in the car  is the best place to have a conversation with him. There isn’t anything else for him to do or focus his attention on. It gives me a little more look to the inside workings of his brain, especially when I pick him up from school. That is Cade’s best conversation time. The only problem is that he says so much stuff it is hard for me to remember everything, but I wish I could. Most of it is so funny.


Here are some highlights from yesterday. He actually said several more really funny things but I can’t remember them, which really irritates me! We spent even more time together yesterday because I picked him up from school, came back to work, drove home and then went back to basketball practice. Lots of talking time. Most of it is him talking with a few questions thrown in that he doesn’t give you time to answer…

So why is the Super Bowl MVP always the Quarterback? Don’t you think they should line them up and give it out to some other players. There are other good players on the team. I guess that’s not how they roll in the NFL.

When I took him to practice I planned on parking and walking him into the gym. Then I was going to go across the street and check on something at our church. As we pulled into town my gas light started dinging. I decided to just drop him off, go get gas and then go check on the church stuff. I told him to look inside and make sure Jeff and/or Christina (coach and his wife) were in the gym or at the very least some of his team. Which I realize I complicated it when I added in the last line about the team. Then Cade started asking me well what if so and so is there or what if the team that practices on the other side of the gym is there or what if only one or two of my teammates are there. I finally had to break in and say just Jeff or Christina. If you don’t see them let me know. I dropped him off and he gave me the thumbs up. I had no idea what I was going to find when I got to the gym 10 minutes later. It was anybody’s guess. When I told Jay this story he asked if I told Cade “nice job on the questions, those are exactly the same things I would ask”. Then he proceeded to tell me that Cade and I are two peas in a pod. Not sure he is exactly thrilled about that…

But then that leads into the next story….when we got home Cade asked me something about Nana’s family. I didn’t know the answer but I said we could look it up in the books she made us for Christmas. I handed him the book and he looked at it a minute then says “It’s times like this I wish I was a little autistic”. Of course I said WHAT??? He said that autistic people can scan a page and have it all memorized. I asked him where he heard that. He said Temple Grandin. Jay rented that movie over Christmas, which was really good by the way. You can click on her name to learn more about her, very interesting woman. I told Jay that story last night and when I got to the part about asking Cade how he knew about someone with autism Jay said - Temple Grandin. So who is the one who thinks like Cade???

And as a side note – their relationship seems to be back to a normal dad/son thing and not two siblings at each others throats. Since Jay got home late Cade seemed  glad to see him. He sat on the couch for a minute and gave Jay a big hug. Not only is the temp outside way up from last week so are the moods in our house!

**Dad is a State Farm Driver, are you a State Farm Driver?  Yes, all of our insurance is with State Farm.  You are one of their 4 million customers. How much money has it saved?  (Trying very hard not to laugh) Cade, I have no idea. 

Life does go on…

Yesterday I took a couple of hours of mental health time from work. I had already scheduled to be gone in the afternoon because of my appointment with the dentist so I just moved my flight time up by a little. There is nothing like a little retail therapy and lunch at Chick-Fil-A to chase away the winter/adoption blahs. I had a couple of funny things happen to me yesterday. I got my food and sat down in a booth where I could people watch. I looked over and saw my mother-in-law. She hadn't seen me. If I had sat in another spot we would have totally missed each other. I think I surprised her when I walked over and asked if she wanted someone to sit with. After we ate we walked around Penney's for awhile and picked out some birthday presents for Cade, since that is coming right up. After that I had to leave the mall for my dentist appointment. After I was done there I went back to the mall because I was on the hunt for some new tennis shoes. I had just a little bit of time between the dentist appointment and another appointment. I found some shoes and looked around several stores and then headed to B&BW. You'll never guess who was in there. Yup, ran into to Sharon again. What are the chances? She had a coupon that she gave me so I got a free bottle of body spray. So yesterday was a good day…new Puma's (which I have never owned a pair of) and the newest scent from B&BW – Carried Away.

The dentist appointment though was so-so. I need a gum graft, which I figured would be the case. It's not necessarily an emergency, but since it's not bad it will be easier to correct it now. I.Do.Not.Want.To.Loose.My.Tooth! So I'm scheduled for the procedure March 30. They will scrape the roof of my mouth and use that skin to fix the gum. So far it's not really bothering me, but he scraped it yesterday and I could tell the root was exposed. Probably best to fix it before it causes me a lot of problems.

My 2^nd appointment of the day was the natural doctor I started seeing before our transfer. I'm not sure why I'm still going – except that I like her. A lot. I think I like just talking to her as much as anything else that she does for me. She just has a calming spirit, which I can always use that in my life. So I go about every 6 weeks to get my dose of calm and put things in perspective. And getting my back put back into place isn't bad either.

After my 2^nd appointment of the day I headed to the grocery store. Our pantry was pretty pitiful so it was time. I've started going to 4 different places to get food. It takes a little more time, but it has saved us quite a bit of money. I've been doing that since the first of the year. I didn't get home until 8 last night. Then we had to unload the car and put it all away. Needless to say I was ready to finally sit down last night.

I guess this boring post is just to say that life still continues to go on. I get sad or mad, and then I have to recover and move on…But there is nothing like a new pair of shoes to help speed the healing process along J

The Waiting Game

Yesterday was one of those very rough waiting days. Thankfully they aren’t as frequent as they used to be because they flat wear me out! By the time we got home from Cade’s 4-H meeting I was exhausted and climbed into bed. I didn’t even get up early enough for my normal morning routine. I felt like I needed the sleep more. I think I’m starting feel somewhat back to normal now. Thank goodness!


Basically this day has been in the making since the 10th. We got a call from agency #2 that there was a mom who wanted to look at profiles. Were we interested? Called the agency back Friday, got the details and told her to show us. They were meeting with mom Tuesday (yesterday). The agency said they’d let me know by email what the mom decided. Even though I seriously think this had to be close to the 40th time our profile was shown (and that is not an exaggeration, that is a low ball estimate) , I was still nervous.

Add in a profile showing with the year anniversary of last year’s disappointment mix together and you have a mental mess! Then we got our monthly update from agency #1 yesterday morning. Baby C has been placed with a family. I am so grateful for that, but at the same time it stung a little. It was just all of that bad stuff was wrapped up in a neat little package with a one line statement. That made me sad. Then yesterday afternoon agency #2 called to let me know the mom looking at profiles had picked another family. I was so sad by the time I got home last night. It was just a lot to digest in one day.

Also on the update from agency #1 was a reminder that we have to complete 10 hours of training, per person, before a placement. This is a new rule. It makes me want to pull my hair out. Not that I’m against training, but it is just more crap to wade through. Honestly I keep forgetting about it. I think I’m mentally thinking “whatever!” . At this rate I feel like we’ve got years to get that 10 hours done. I’m sure some of the families are jumping on it and probably have their hours done. I can’t even remember to print off the email to take home to deal with it. And it is 10 hours for me and 10 hours for Jay. That should be fun to get through during his busiest time….Oh who am I kidding, his job is always busy!

Every time our profile is shown I pray that God helps the family to make the right decision and if they do place their baby to give it to the right family. I’m getting tired of us never being the right family. I really think 40 showings is a generous low estimate. We have been shown a lot. A whole lot. Out of those showings only a handful of those babies ended up with their biological families. They were placed with adoptive families – just not our family. Out of those showings we were picked once because the mom liked us, but in the end released the baby to foster care. Even in Baby C’s situation I don’t know that we were picked because she liked us – she felt strongly about giving him to the family who waited the longest. So in a way we won by default and not because we were liked. I’m sure she did look at our profile and was ok with placing him with us, but still….Another time we were the only ones willing to be shown in a situation. She looked at our profile and decided foster care was a better option. That one really hurt. So as you can see I was just a mess last night!

But because I married a really great guy, he understood. He told me to go to bed when we got home last night and he handled the bedtime routine and homework and other NFL questions. Then while I was writing out this whole sad post I got a delivery….




The card was signed Just because we love you - Jay & Cade.  Isn't he the best.  Only problem is that it made me tear up again!

*Also, to clarify - I don't fault any of the mom's for making the decisions that they did.  Especailly in our loss last year.  I really feel that she was coercied into that decision by some of the events that transpired.  My anger in that particular situation was centered on the DFS of that state.  They did some really underhanded things that our agency had never experienced before.  We've had a lot of out there things happen to us with the situaitons we were picked for.  As an adoptive parent you prepare yourself for the possibility of not getting the baby because the parents decide to parent.  That hasn't happened in any of our situations.  I really feel I could've handled that scenerio better than knowing they were going into foster care.  That really makes me sad. 

One Year Ago....

Today is the baby’s first birthday. It’s hard to believe that just one short year ago our lives were turned topsy-turvey over the course of 10 days. In other ways it feels like a lifetime ago that we got the calls that changed so many things in our lives in 2010. A lot of the direction and focus of our year all came out of that time. When I think about those days I don’t feel particularly sad, at least not as sad as I thought I would’ve felt on February 18, 2010. I also obviously don’t feel happy either….it’s a weird emotion of almost nothing…but yet something. Maybe it’s because there isn’t a word to define missing something that was never yours to begin with….

I’ve never really connected a name to him. In my mind he’s usually baby…when Jay and I talk about it, which is rare, we call it the trip to Illinois. He’s not the name we picked out the few short minutes before we got the call saying he wasn’t ours, but yet I don’t think we would ever reuse the name if we were blessed with another boy. It wasn’t a name that I had any particular fondness for. I liked it, but I wasn’t in love with it. I was never attached to it like I was Cade’s name. The name is all wrapped up together in my head with the whole experience. It was something we went through as a family…parts were good, parts were bad, but I prefer to keep it all in there together in my mind.

I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about him. I may think about him several times in one day, but then not think about him again for a couple of weeks. When I do think about him, it’s usually to say a quick prayer that he is healthy, happy and loved and then my mind wanders to curiosity……These are all things I’ve thought about over the year. Not all at one time obviously but different thoughts sneak up on me at different times.

What does he look like? He was a mixed race so what different traits show in his features? Does he have dark hair and eyes? Is his hair curly or did is stay straight like it was in his hospital picture?

How big is he? He would’ve been the biggest of my parent’s grandchildren to this point. Would he still be the biggest? How does he compare to Lawson’s size now?

What are his accomplishments? Can he walk? What words can he say? How many teeth does he have? Is he doing a lot of the things Lawson is doing right now

What does he like to do? Is he into cars, tractors and anything with wheels like Cade was at that age? Or is he more interested in sports? Does he like to play ball?

Is he well loved by his family? Were they able to adopt him so he’s not a casualty of the foster care system?

Then sometimes my mind goes to the what ifs. I try to not go here often, because it is painful, but sometimes it’s hard not to. It just happens….

What if we had brought him home? Would I be planning a big birthday party (YES!!)? Would he and Lawson be good buddies since they would’ve been 4 weeks apart? What would Cade and the baby’s relationship look like? Would Cade still be as thrilled about having a brother now that he would be mobile and into Cade’s toys? Would I still be sleep deprived and half crazy like I was for the first part of Cade’s life? What would it be like to have a baby in the house again? We are SO out of practice!

Sometimes I wonder if he’ll ever know the full story of what happened when he was born. Will he know there was another family that almost took him home? If I were to guess on that I’d say no. He’ll probably never know how so many people in our lives were praying for that little boy and his birth mom during those days. Or that some of us may still continue to pray for him. But imagine having someone you don’t have a clue about praying for you? That’s a pretty neat thought. So if you are reading this and have time, would you also say a birthday prayer for this baby who was almost our son..brother..grandson…nephew…cousin… friend…

Happy 1st Birthday Baby, wherever you are!!!

Happy Valentines Day

Valentines Day….whoever created this ridiculous "holiday" obviously didn't have a boy in elementary. I find it to be as stressful as Christmas….except it is worse. Christmas is hectic, but at least I enjoy all of the crazy stuff with it. I don't enjoy Valentines Day. And those who say they enjoy it don't have a boy in elementary. I think I've whined about this day since he was in Kindergarten, when we had to start making boxes. I have a boy – Valentines Day is all hearts and flowers and pinkness. It is a bad combination. At least some of the pressure was off this year – Jay is in charge of box building in odd numbered grades.

We aren't even sure if/when they are having parties because we have not been in school since January 31. We could not convince Cade that there was no way he was having a party today. There hadn't been any notes sent home yet. Nothing can occur in elementary without a note! Or at the very least a list of the kids in the class. Back in the good ol' days (a/k/a the 80's) I did my own valentine's without a list…and without parental involvement. They bought the cards and got whatever food was necessary for the party. They did help with the Valentines boxes in the grades where we made our own – but we were girls. Totally different ballgame! I remember thinking about the layout of the classroom and I would mentally go up and down the rows and fill out my own cards. I also knew how many kids were in my class so I knew if I had them all. And, since we are talking about years and years ago – Sheldon still had combined classes. Not only would I have done cards for my class but also the class we were combined with – so if I was in the 3^rd grade I would also have shared a room with the 4^th graders. You all can pick yourself up off the floor from laughing now. Jay always makes fun of that aspect of my education.

Cade almost lost his mind yesterday about the party situation. Finally we told him we'd do the box and the cards and put them in Jay's truck. Jay would find out the party status and deliver them if they were needed. That caused us to make an emergency run to the story to purchase the cards. Then while Jay was at a church board meeting Cade and I worked on the cards. Let me tell you – lists are essential when filling out cards with a boy. I started him out by trying to get him to just write his name on the cards. I was in the middle of rolling out/baking sugar cookies and it was impossible for me to concentrate on both. Instead Cade randomly put down kids' names and his name on cards. He struggled for about 10 minutes trying to think of kids, completed 4 cards and said he needed a break. That was fine with me at that moment.

After I was done baking I took control of the cards. I didn't do myself any favors by having him work on them during America's Funniest Home Videos – one of his all time favorite shows. On a commercial I told him to think about the desk in front of Miss C's desk closest to the chalkboard (when I said that I knew I said the wrong thing but could not think of what they called them anymore). I asked him who sits there. He remembered that kid, but then couldn't remember who was next. That method was a disaster. Then I remembered I had taken a class photo at the Christmas party with my phone. I got that out and tried to name the kids. There was come crabbiness back and forth between us since I was interrupting him during his show for useless information. Finally I had a list together. On the next two commercials I made him fill out cards. That's when we developed problem #2. I didn't know how to spell some of their names and either did Cade. He has an Aaron in his class so I told him to spell it A-A-R-O-N. Cade told me that wasn't right. I told him to write it the way it should be, but he didn't know what that was. We left it with two A's. We have extra cards so we will be making corrections before the party (if it even occurs). Which a total of two or three commercial breaks is an improvement over the last few years. In Kindergarten it took us almost a week to get the cards done. With his attention span we could only do 4 or 5 a night. Huge Improvement!

By the time Jay got home from the church board meeting it was Cade's bedtime. We put him to bed and then Jay started in on the box. Cade told us what he wanted and then Jay made it happen. Yes, we are terrible parents who did the box themselves. Actually, Jay did it, I just helped with some taping. It is a cornmeal drum turned into a football. It looks pretty good for a thrown together sort of thing. To me it resembles a crayon with two ends, but I'm not complaining. It is done and it wasn't my problem.

Looking back I'm not sure Cade has ever helped with his boxes…K he was sick and asleep while I frantically put it together the night before, 1^st was the rocket ship which was totally Jay, 2^nd was the Indiana Jones that I finished up the day before we got the adoption call…Nope, I don't believe he has contributed much to the boxes. But that is ok. We took him to the doctor last week and he asked us about Cade and how much he contributes to the family unit. He went on to say that how we raise Cade is how Cade will raise his kids….so that means it will come full circle. Some day Cade will be sitting in the middle of the living room floor taping, cutting and pasting a box together while directing every letter written on every Valentines Card. He will get his turn eventually. I can't wait to sit back and laugh!

So far I've managed to save all of his boxes. If we have another one I think we will recycle them. There will be at least 9 years between them…no one will ever know!

I don’t even know the man that I’m living with anymore….

he's growing a beard, taking up coffee drinking and has a crazed look in his eve. This has all started in the last 9 days that he's been out of school. Today was probably the craziest I've seen him…and I got caught up in it also….

 They picked me up for lunch. I needed to get back by noon for a phone call so we ran to McDonalds. As we pulled in we had to stop because there was a bus in the way. I still remember what it was like when a bus load of kids unloaded at McDonald's, but since I graduated almost 16 years ago, it doesn't sink in as quickly as it used to. Since Jay spends a lot of time on a bus with 30+ High School kids he is well aware of the chaos that ensues when they unload at McDonalds. He reacted much quicker than I did. Instead of waiting on the bus to move he whipped the truck over into the drive-thru lane and started yelling at us to GET OUT, HURRY THEY ARE GETTING OFF THE BUS, GET ME A QUARTER POUNDER, GO GO GO. It startled me and then I looked over and saw this stubble faced guy looking quite crazed in the eyes. Obviously he was hyped up from the coffee he drank that morning. I had no choice but to hurry. I flung open my door, which got stuck in a pile of snow and I had to squeeze through it, without slipping on the slush on the running board and then step into a hard packed pile of snow and maneuver over it without slipping and falling into the drive thru lane all while trying to beat a bus load of kids who are 16-20 years younger than me to the McDonald's counter. I was using my fastest walking without running speed that I've got. I made it to the door and turned around for Cade. He wasn't behind me. He got himself caught up on the seat belt. He was still struggling with the truck door. I had to make a split second decision. Did I go back for Cade and help him across the drive thru or did I leave him to fend for himself. I made a decision that I'm not proud of – I left my child behind. Even then the first thought I had was "dang, I don't know what he wants…" But I justified leaving him with the fact that Jay was blocking the drive thru so no one could hit him. I'm usually very protective when we go in and out of our McDonald's. I will hold something of Cade…arm, hood, belt…anything I can grab because he doesn't realize how dangerous the drive thru is. And today I went off and left him standing in a place I'm terrified of and have lectured and lectured him about. Yes, I am up for Mother of the Year.

When Jay made it in to the building after parking I told him thanks for making me almost break my ankle on the snow pile. Again with the crazed look, he told me I obviously did not know what it was like when a bus load of kids unloaded at McDonald's. What is even funnier is that the kids never did fully unload. Just a handful came in to use the bathrooms. I can only imagine how ridiculous I looked flying out of the truck. Thank goodness I had on my snow boots today. They'd better be back in school on Monday. I don't think any of us can handle another day like the past 9….

Just realized what today is…

I wrote the date on someone's closing papers and it dawned on me. We got "the call" one year ago today. It was almost exactly at this same time. I never thought I'd survive a year if we didn't get another call after that one failed and yet here I am. I survived, even though there were some times I wasn't sure. That probably explains why the three of us have been on edge the last few days. I've dealt with this before through our almost 6 years of infertility. Sometimes I'll find myself crabby and just not feeling quite right and I'll realize it is a significant milestone of some sort. It's like my body knows something is up even before my mind has registered it.

Even though we are making it ok, I do wish we'd get a call. We took Cade to the doctor yesterday for a check-up. They asked us how we wanted them to code it because my insurance pays for a well child visit once a year. We told them to do it as a well child. After the nurse left the room the thought entered my mind that I should've waited on that and used it in September when we update our medical part of the home study. It wasn't a negative thought, it's just that waiting on this has become such a routine thing for us. It's hard to imagine doing anything besides waiting. It's even hard to believe that 1 year ago today I thought we were done with waiting….and yet here we still are. Most days I'm ok with waiting on God's timing, but there are some times when it gets really hard.