Saturday, May 11, 2013

Infertility, Motherhood and Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is coming this Sunday (so get your mom a card if you haven’t yet). It is a weird day for me and has been for several years. Jay never did anything big for Mother’s Day even before we knew about our infertility, but it became even more low key during that time period. Some years we stayed home, some years we went out to eat and to a movie. It just kind of varied depending on how we felt. Although I was a mother during those years that day was still painful. There was a part of me that felt very incomplete and it seemed to be even more exaggerated on Mother’s Day. And Mother/Daughter Banquets were the worst! It wasn’t that I was sad that I didn’t have a daughter – it was again that feeling of being incomplete. I avoided those all that I could. It was just a sad day all around.

Thank God that I don’t have that incomplete feeling anymore. But Mother’s Day is still uncomfortable for me. I know there are lots and lots of women who are hurting that day. I still don’t like to do anything big for that day. Last year we stayed home and I was fine with that. This year we are going to Fayetteville to see Jay’s family. I did tell Jay that what I wanted was for him to vacuum and wipe down my car. I know – I’m exciting.

Even though I don’t feel sad or feel like I have that weight on my chest all the time the memories of those feelings have not left. Last Sunday Jay and I went to Nakato’s (thank you Megan and Terry!) for his birthday. On one end of the table was a new mother, tiny baby and a friend. Jay and I were in the middle along with another couple that looked to be younger than us and then a couple on the end who was definitely younger. The chef had a two year old and a two month old baby at home. Of course the conversation turned to babies. Jay and I neither one felt like talking (we were busy eating), but oh how I felt uncomfortable. All I could think was that I hoped none of the other two couples were going through infertility. I’m not sure the ones of the end were married and they talked between themselves most of the time. The couple next to us was quiet. Which Jay and I were also quiet so it doesn’t mean anything…but still I wondered. Then the chef asked if we were ready for next weekend- Mother’s Day. No one said much. I just remember how it was to go out to try and forget about it only to feel like people were purposely shoving it in your face. Not that they were – these were all innocent conversations. But still I wondered……I’ve just learned over the years to not ask people how many kids they have or when they are going to have them if they don’t yet. Very taboo subjects.

This isn’t meant to depress you by any means. Please enjoy your family and the goodies they may lavish on you Sunday. Remember to thank God for those little blessings that made you a mother – even if they are completely covered in Chocolate or going though a pre-teen moody phase, oh wait that’s me….. But also be sensitive to the single lady or the one who's been married for several years with no babies,  in the next cubicle on Monday morning. She may not be quite as thrilled to hear about your breakfast in bed and 3 carat mother’s broach with 17 stones in it.

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