Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Elephant in the Room

Writing a post about where we are at in our adoption has been the elephant in the room between me and the blog for quite some time (hence the title of the post). Even though it’s my blog and I can write what I want I kept getting this feeling like I needed to say something, but I didn’t want to. Maybe if I ignored it, it would just go away? Really, I’d much rather blog about valentine’s boxes, crazy people who drive off with other people’s ice scrappers or the fact that we went to Circuit City last weekend and got Aerosmith Guitar Hero for $20. That stuff is what’s real in our lives and that’s what I try to find humor in so that I don’t think about how far away and sad waiting on this adoption makes me feel.

Again (for the millionth time), I’m at a point in our wait where I sit at my desk chewing an enormous piece of bubble gum and sucking down bottles of water to keep from crying. Earlier in the morning I couldn’t concentrate on work because of our latest disappointment and now I can’t concentrate because all the water I drank this morning is now catching up with me. I can’t wait for the next few hours to get over with so I can go home. Again (for the millionth time) I have that feeling of not knowing if I can continue down this path. I wonder if this is really what we are supposed to be doing. Is this really what God want’s us to do?

Last December, right after Christmas, Jay’s Aunt Mary introduced us to a friend who had adopted. We met with Lindsey on the 27th and heard more about her story and she gave us some advice – we needed to change agencies. Needless to say I was discouraged after we met. Not that Lindsey was discouraging, but that once again we had made another bad decision.

Before Jay went back to school after Christmas Break he made some phone calls and we got some information from the new agency that Lindsay had suggested we try. Jay talked personally to a guy at this new place and he had a really good feeling. Once we received the application Jay got it filled out, but then we started having some serious discussions concerning what we were and weren’t open to. We were also questioning if we were doing the right thing. Is this what God wanted us to do? I was unsure about everything….was God telling us to try something else or was it my own impatience making me contemplate this change?

The weekend that my grandpa got sick and Jay and I were apart for the weekend he did some serious praying about our openness and what he was willing to be open to. Once Jay made some decisions with that things all of a sudden started happening. Our agency had 4 situations right in a row that they contacted us about. In one of the them we were only 1 of 5 profiles being shown. The odds seemed favorable. Another situation involved a set of twins (have I mentioned I’ve always secretly wanted twins). The other two seemed just as promising…surely something would happen. We quickly found out that we weren’t chosen for the twins. Ok, that one hurt a little, but I shed a couple of tears and moved on. Then we waited and waited and hadn’t heard anything about the other situations. Jay e-mailed our social worker and asked her to let us know if we weren’t chosen. We needed to know so we could emotionally move on.

When all of these situations started coming in I looked at the profiles online and realized there were only 4 other families on there longer than us. Then a couple of weeks ago I noticed we were now #3 in terms of length on the site. I had mixed feelings about this. Either it had to mean surely we were getting close or we are one of those families who are doomed to stay on the list forever. For some reason I felt more comfortable being in the middle. It never hurt so bad when one of the families who had been on there longer than us had “Placement” stamped across their face. Now we are gradually shifting into being the “old timers” on the list and today I saw that someone who was at least three months behind us in getting approved now has “Placement Pending” on their profile. That one stung a little. Not that I’m not happy for them, they are older than us and have no children, but it still hurts.

Since we still hadn’t heard anything from our social worker about the other situations I e-mailed her today (I must’ve have been in a self-sabotaging mood or something). She apologized but our name had somehow gotten left off the e-mail letting us know the birth families had picked the families. We, not surprisingly, weren’t one of them. She was quick to assure me though that there were other situations coming up. That really didn’t make me feel better today. We had been waiting to send our application to the new agency until we heard about these situations. Now I guess we are going to send it off this week.

Sometimes I wish God would send a message on a lightning bolt telling me if we are supposed to give up on this or not. I feel like we’ve been at this for so long and we haven’t gotten much of a break. This has been one of those seasons in my life where I’ve felt that God has been silent more than he’s spoken to me. I’ve read all sorts of things on what it means when God is silent but right now I’m too tired to recall how that all works together. The times we do feel like things are moving and we start to get a little hope it always seems to come to a screeching halt. I know God is working even if I don’t see it, but it’s hard to always stay upbeat about everything when you feel like you aren’t being heard. I’ve read numerous posts on the adoption forums I keep up with where the adoptive parent had reached their wits end and that’s when God finally answered their prayers. Either God isn’t going to answer that prayer for us when I’m at my wits end or else I haven’t reached that point yet. If what I’m experiencing isn’t to that point yet everyone better watch out. I can’t imagine me becoming any crazier than I already am.

Then when I write these kinds of posts I feel guilty because I think about problems that other people have and mine are nothing compared to theirs. I’ve heard about two young women who each have cancer in the last few days and my heart aches for them and their families. So what if I haven’t had my prayer answered yet about adoption. Should I be whining and crying about it? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. All I can do is thank God for the blessings that I have received and keep praying for some sort of an answer to our prayers…even if it’s not the one we want to hear.

By the way – I really like the Aerosmith Guitar Hero a lot better than the Legends of Rock. This game may even entice me to trying more than just the beginner’s level. Yes that’s probably one of those little known facts about me. For some reason I’ve always liked Aerosmith. Here’s another one – when I have these days listening to an Aerosmith song really loud in my car on the way home from work seems to do wonders for my mood. I hope I didn’t shock anyone too much with that statement.

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