Avery said something funny last night. It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to laugh over a child just getting a grasp on language. Cade’s more into facial expressions now which is just as funny but it’s hard to blog about that. Cade can also come up with some zingers, but it’s different from Avery who doesn’t quite have it all together yet.
Avery has a cat that she calls Miss Kitty. Every time I’m on the phone with Charity I can hear her screaming repeatedly “I want to talk, I want to talk”. If I were Charity I’d never pick the phone up in the evening because Avery doesn’t let up until you let her talk. So Avery will get on the phone and we pretty much always have the same conversation…
Avery: You know what my kitty did?
Me: What did your kitty do?
Avery: He spit out his food
It’s the same conversation every time so last night I tried a different approach…
Avery: You know what my kitty did?
Me: Let me guess, I bet it spit out its food
Avery: He spit out his food
Me: Hey Avery, did you know that your cat is actually a girl?
Avery: No Crystal, he is a CAT!!!!
She was pretty firm on the fact that Miss Kitty is not a girl, but a CAT. I decided it was best to let it go….but I may try it again the next time I talk to her. Kid’s are so funny.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
More Whining...
I’m back to wallowing in infertility/adoption self-pity again today. I checked the website today to see what families had “Placement” or “Placement Pending” plastered on their pictures. Checking the website for me is like watching a scene in a horror movie. You don’t want to do it, you want to close your eyes but there is something that draws you to it. You want to know what’s going to happen even though it is going to disturb you for a very long time to come. I guess it’s self-punishment or satan whispering in my head to look so that I’ll feel even worse about myself than I already do….well it worked today.
There were a potential for 4 placements last month. I saw the 4 families today that have “Placement Pending” slapped on their face. All of them have been with the agency less than us. Three of them are way less than us…..one of them was really less than us as in their picture showed up two weeks ago and already they have a placement pending. Another one of them was really salt in the wound – they were approved after us, got placed right after they were approved, came back after the first of the year for a 2nd adoption and already have been picked again.
The fact that I’m also working with someone who is pregnant is not helping my frame of mind right now and work is really, really slow so there isn’t much to take my mind off of it….so I sit here for 8 hours a day and let all of these bad feeling fester. I think I have a condition that’s called Adoption Bi-Polar. I don’t know that it’s a true disease but it seems to fit what I have. One day I’m fine with how things are going, I’m fine with only having one child, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Then the next day I’m not fine, I’m angry and sad and disappointed and rejected. Then I try to figure out if I really was fine the day before or if I was trying to convince myself that I was or exactly what in the heck is going on with me.
It is such a hard thing to mentally work through. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an answer. I think a big part of my problem right now is that I have such a fear that we will never adopt, that we will never have another child. There is this part of me that wants to quit everything because I don’t want to keep putting myself through this if it’s never meant to be. I know that all of this will be worth it when it finally happens, but what if it doesn’t? It’s hard to stay upbeat about it because I’m so afraid we are never going to get a call from the agency. I know God has His way of doing things, but I feel like we’ve gone through all of these hoops and have now hit a brick wall. It has been a long, long time since I really felt encouraged about this, like I knew that this was what we were supposed to be doing.
There were a potential for 4 placements last month. I saw the 4 families today that have “Placement Pending” slapped on their face. All of them have been with the agency less than us. Three of them are way less than us…..one of them was really less than us as in their picture showed up two weeks ago and already they have a placement pending. Another one of them was really salt in the wound – they were approved after us, got placed right after they were approved, came back after the first of the year for a 2nd adoption and already have been picked again.
The fact that I’m also working with someone who is pregnant is not helping my frame of mind right now and work is really, really slow so there isn’t much to take my mind off of it….so I sit here for 8 hours a day and let all of these bad feeling fester. I think I have a condition that’s called Adoption Bi-Polar. I don’t know that it’s a true disease but it seems to fit what I have. One day I’m fine with how things are going, I’m fine with only having one child, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Then the next day I’m not fine, I’m angry and sad and disappointed and rejected. Then I try to figure out if I really was fine the day before or if I was trying to convince myself that I was or exactly what in the heck is going on with me.
It is such a hard thing to mentally work through. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an answer. I think a big part of my problem right now is that I have such a fear that we will never adopt, that we will never have another child. There is this part of me that wants to quit everything because I don’t want to keep putting myself through this if it’s never meant to be. I know that all of this will be worth it when it finally happens, but what if it doesn’t? It’s hard to stay upbeat about it because I’m so afraid we are never going to get a call from the agency. I know God has His way of doing things, but I feel like we’ve gone through all of these hoops and have now hit a brick wall. It has been a long, long time since I really felt encouraged about this, like I knew that this was what we were supposed to be doing.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Old McDonald
Last month, at Cade’s birthday party, Avery wanted to see Charlie. I walked her out to his pen and she spotted the hog house that’s sitting in our wooded area. Jay moved it here last fall with plans of getting two pigs and raising them for their hams. Jay was a little obsessive a couple of years ago about curing hams to enter in the Ozark Empire Fair and the State Fair. Well about the time we were supposed to get the pigs is when the economy started going crazy. We decided that we really didn’t need/want to spend any extra money at the time so we didn’t get the pigs. Also, the fact that the pigs have to be butchered a specific way and we couldn’t find anyone close by to do this was also factored into our decision. So the hog house is there, but it hasn’t been used yet.
Anyway…Avery asked me what it was and I explained it to her. All of a sudden I had one of those feelings of revelation…where you realize something and it hits you like a ton of bricks. Old McDonald has a farm….and I’m married to him.
This all hit me as I’m walking out to our dog’s pen, I can see Lyle and Jania’s two heifers out of the corner of my eye, Avery’s asking me about the hog house, Cade just got chicken waterers from Jay for his birthday and there were two donkeys with giant red bows around their necks in a trailer in my front yard. At what point did my life take this drastic turn? How did I not see it earlier?
Things got even crazier last week when the 15 baby chicks were added to our family. Cade is showing them at the county fair the first weekend in June hence the gift of waterers for his birthday. Right now they are little and cute. In a few weeks they are going to be large and squawking in our yard. I’m wondering how many of the 15 will actually live to see the month of June. So far it’s been fine, but once we move them to the bigger pen outside who knows what will happen.
A day or two after getting the chickens something hits me again….Jay is leaving next week for Oklahoma. I will be responsible for the chickens. Jay said he wondered how long it was going to take me to realize it. Apparently I’m thinking slowly because it took a couple of days. By the time I take care of the dog, the 15 chickens and get a cranky boy around I’m wondering what time I’ll finally roll into work. I just hope that when Jay gets back early Friday morning he’s greeted with the same number of everything that we had when he left.
Anyway…Avery asked me what it was and I explained it to her. All of a sudden I had one of those feelings of revelation…where you realize something and it hits you like a ton of bricks. Old McDonald has a farm….and I’m married to him.
This all hit me as I’m walking out to our dog’s pen, I can see Lyle and Jania’s two heifers out of the corner of my eye, Avery’s asking me about the hog house, Cade just got chicken waterers from Jay for his birthday and there were two donkeys with giant red bows around their necks in a trailer in my front yard. At what point did my life take this drastic turn? How did I not see it earlier?
Things got even crazier last week when the 15 baby chicks were added to our family. Cade is showing them at the county fair the first weekend in June hence the gift of waterers for his birthday. Right now they are little and cute. In a few weeks they are going to be large and squawking in our yard. I’m wondering how many of the 15 will actually live to see the month of June. So far it’s been fine, but once we move them to the bigger pen outside who knows what will happen.
A day or two after getting the chickens something hits me again….Jay is leaving next week for Oklahoma. I will be responsible for the chickens. Jay said he wondered how long it was going to take me to realize it. Apparently I’m thinking slowly because it took a couple of days. By the time I take care of the dog, the 15 chickens and get a cranky boy around I’m wondering what time I’ll finally roll into work. I just hope that when Jay gets back early Friday morning he’s greeted with the same number of everything that we had when he left.
Monday, April 20, 2009
State FFA Convention
Jay got back Saturday night from the Missouri FFA Convention. This year Miller had a very successful year....I think it may be the best year they've ever had as a group. Something was mentioned to Jay and Lyle by the school administration that the FFA banquet needed to be toned down. It was too over the top and nobody cares. That comment has been eating and eating at me for weeks. For one I don't know how serving a meal and handing out awards can be considered over the top. Secondly when 350 people (half of the population of the whole town) voluntarily show up how can you say no one cares. How can you tell a teacher who spends hours and hours with these kids trying to give them skills that will benefit them the rest of their lives that no one cares about their success? How can you tell that to someone who has spent days, evenings, weekends away from their own families that the banquet celebrating a great year is over the top?
It eats at me because I know that Jay and Lyle spend a very large amount of time away from home. Cade and I and Lyle's family give up a lot of time with our husbands and fathers to the Miller FFA, which we are happy (for the most part) to do. So do not tell me that nobody cares. I know of two guys who care very much along with the other 5 members of their families and all of the parents who got to watch their kids on stage at the convention. When I say "on stage" I'm not taking about a high school gym full of people. I'm talking about Hearnes Center on the MU campus in front of about 10,000 people. And nobody cares?????
Ok, down off my soapbox....Here are links to all of the articles from the convention. Also adding to Miller's success was that one of the State Officers this year was a former student of Jay and Lyle. There are pictures attached to each article if you click on the link at the top. Congratulations to everyone!!!!
Chapter Award - 2nd in the state
Soils - 1st Place
Meats - 1st Place
Public Speaking - 1st Place
Poultry - 2nd Place
Freshmen Public Speaking - 3rd Place
Ag Sales - 3rd Place
Knowledge - 4th Place
Proficiency Award Winner
It eats at me because I know that Jay and Lyle spend a very large amount of time away from home. Cade and I and Lyle's family give up a lot of time with our husbands and fathers to the Miller FFA, which we are happy (for the most part) to do. So do not tell me that nobody cares. I know of two guys who care very much along with the other 5 members of their families and all of the parents who got to watch their kids on stage at the convention. When I say "on stage" I'm not taking about a high school gym full of people. I'm talking about Hearnes Center on the MU campus in front of about 10,000 people. And nobody cares?????
Ok, down off my soapbox....Here are links to all of the articles from the convention. Also adding to Miller's success was that one of the State Officers this year was a former student of Jay and Lyle. There are pictures attached to each article if you click on the link at the top. Congratulations to everyone!!!!
Chapter Award - 2nd in the state
Soils - 1st Place
Meats - 1st Place
Public Speaking - 1st Place
Poultry - 2nd Place
Freshmen Public Speaking - 3rd Place
Ag Sales - 3rd Place
Knowledge - 4th Place
Proficiency Award Winner
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The New Job & Fattening the Calf....
Thought I’d update everyone on the new job. Things are going great. I haven’t put gas in my car for a week and I’m still on half a tank. That’s even after going to Springfield last weekend. I’m loving not having to leave the house until 7:40 and getting home by 4:45. I’ve also gone home for a lunch a few times. It’s great.
I’m not sure though that Cade is excited about it as Jay and I are. A little background before I tell you why – Cade has gotten really thin. He’s gotten taller but he lost some weight when he was so sick last month. I started paying closer attention to his eating habits and he’s just not eating enough. He’s too busy doing other things and he won’t sit down long enough to eat. It’s partly my fault because I’ve never pressed him to eat. I had the attitude of “he’ll eat when he’s hungry”. I never wanted to force the clean your plate thing on him because of all the eating issues in our society. I’m not sure that was the best thing to do because he knows I won’t force him to eat and it’s came back to bite me.
I’ve now started to really watch what he’s eating and how much he’s eating. I’ve bought whole milk and I’m giving him ice cream or a root beer float or some other fatty treat in the evenings. Anything I can think of to put a little weight on him. Since I’m not leaving until 40 minutes later than I used to I’ve started fixing him breakfast so I can monitor two of his meals a day. He was eating breakfast at school and knowing how easily distracted he gets I don’t think he was eating much.
Well today I’m 8 days into this new breakfast routine and I think it’s going pretty well. I’ve managed to make a decent breakfast every day. So far I haven’t resorted to cold cereal. My oven has actually been turned on three times this week. This is a huge milestone for me. This morning Jay got Cade up and told him breakfast was ready. Jay was getting him up a little earlier because he needed to leave earlier. Cade was not happy about this development. Hearing that he needed to get up because breakfast was ready was the last straw for Cade. I was in the kitchen and heard his sleepy feet stomping in there. I looked up to see this tired, mad little boy. He yelled “I hate your new job”.
Of course I could hardly keep from laughing. Jay tried explaining to him that it was his fault and not mine that they had to leave earlier. I told Cade that I love being able to have breakfast together in the morning and get home earlier in the evening. Cade finally agreed that he liked that, but it was still stupid that he had to get up and eat breakfast…..as he shoveled in 1 ½ biscuits with jelly….
Jay said that someday we’ll look back on this time period as the summer we fattened the calf. I know that I’m creating many, many stories that Cade will relate to his future wife. At least I’m developing some memories that will cause him and his wife to laugh over the craziness that I subjected him to. Oh, he won’t appreciate all that I’m trying to do until he has children of his own. Then he’ll have more of an idea about how mother’s always get the bad rap for the things they do to and for their children. But he still won’t fully understand why mothers do what they do…..Jay still doesn’t understand why Sharon made him blow his nose and why I still help Cade blow his nose…. Only a mother can understand.
I’m not sure though that Cade is excited about it as Jay and I are. A little background before I tell you why – Cade has gotten really thin. He’s gotten taller but he lost some weight when he was so sick last month. I started paying closer attention to his eating habits and he’s just not eating enough. He’s too busy doing other things and he won’t sit down long enough to eat. It’s partly my fault because I’ve never pressed him to eat. I had the attitude of “he’ll eat when he’s hungry”. I never wanted to force the clean your plate thing on him because of all the eating issues in our society. I’m not sure that was the best thing to do because he knows I won’t force him to eat and it’s came back to bite me.
I’ve now started to really watch what he’s eating and how much he’s eating. I’ve bought whole milk and I’m giving him ice cream or a root beer float or some other fatty treat in the evenings. Anything I can think of to put a little weight on him. Since I’m not leaving until 40 minutes later than I used to I’ve started fixing him breakfast so I can monitor two of his meals a day. He was eating breakfast at school and knowing how easily distracted he gets I don’t think he was eating much.
Well today I’m 8 days into this new breakfast routine and I think it’s going pretty well. I’ve managed to make a decent breakfast every day. So far I haven’t resorted to cold cereal. My oven has actually been turned on three times this week. This is a huge milestone for me. This morning Jay got Cade up and told him breakfast was ready. Jay was getting him up a little earlier because he needed to leave earlier. Cade was not happy about this development. Hearing that he needed to get up because breakfast was ready was the last straw for Cade. I was in the kitchen and heard his sleepy feet stomping in there. I looked up to see this tired, mad little boy. He yelled “I hate your new job”.
Of course I could hardly keep from laughing. Jay tried explaining to him that it was his fault and not mine that they had to leave earlier. I told Cade that I love being able to have breakfast together in the morning and get home earlier in the evening. Cade finally agreed that he liked that, but it was still stupid that he had to get up and eat breakfast…..as he shoveled in 1 ½ biscuits with jelly….
Jay said that someday we’ll look back on this time period as the summer we fattened the calf. I know that I’m creating many, many stories that Cade will relate to his future wife. At least I’m developing some memories that will cause him and his wife to laugh over the craziness that I subjected him to. Oh, he won’t appreciate all that I’m trying to do until he has children of his own. Then he’ll have more of an idea about how mother’s always get the bad rap for the things they do to and for their children. But he still won’t fully understand why mothers do what they do…..Jay still doesn’t understand why Sharon made him blow his nose and why I still help Cade blow his nose…. Only a mother can understand.
Monday, April 13, 2009
18 Months
Today is our 18 month anniversary of officially waiting for the adoption. When we first started this process I had my own mental timeline for when I thought we would have a placement. That timeline was 18 months.
This waiting is really getting harder and harder to take. Everyday I try to give myself pep talks to get me through another day…another week….another month, but it is getting frustrating.
We really would like to get a placement before all of our paperwork needs to be redone at the two year mark.
UPDATE:
I had posted a few weeks ago that our profile was being shown in 3 situations. Today (Tuesday the 14th) we got an e-mail saying that families had been chosen. We weren't one of them.
I'm not surprised ....I had really hoped that we would be one of the families chosen, but we weren't. I'm afraid this is never going to end.
This waiting is really getting harder and harder to take. Everyday I try to give myself pep talks to get me through another day…another week….another month, but it is getting frustrating.
We really would like to get a placement before all of our paperwork needs to be redone at the two year mark.
UPDATE:
I had posted a few weeks ago that our profile was being shown in 3 situations. Today (Tuesday the 14th) we got an e-mail saying that families had been chosen. We weren't one of them.
I'm not surprised ....I had really hoped that we would be one of the families chosen, but we weren't. I'm afraid this is never going to end.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Surprise!!!!
Last Friday, the 3rd, was my dad's 60th birthday. To celebrate this milestone Charity and I decided a surprise birthday party was in order. Charity did most of the work - she called all of dad's friends and came up with the scenerio of how to get dad to the party. She told him that she and Justin would take him out to eat Friday night for his birthday. But, before they could leave town she needed to pick up a jewelry order from a friend. Charity ran in the building, waited a seconed then went out like she had forgotten her purse. When she got back to the car she told dad that John, his friend wanted to talk to him. I think dad was pretty surprised. He didn't know a thing, which was fun for us.
The guy to the right is Ed, dad's brother and the guy to left is Gene, dad's nephew. Yes, you read that right....dad has a nephew almost his age. I always thought it was weird, but the longer things go with our adoption the less strange it seems. All three of them were born within a year of each other. Grammy Fowler used to decorate their birthday cakes with toy's so we tried to re-create that for Dad. By the way these were Janella cakes....
Happy Birthday Daddy!!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
First Day at Work
Monday was my first day at the new office. So far, since Jay's been at district contest, things have been hectic so I'm not sure what the new schedule will be like. I'm ready to get some normal days so I'll know how much of a difference this has made. The last few night's I've been completely exhausted. It's not like I'm having to learn anything new - but I am having to learn new people quirks. I guess that is making me tired???
The only hitch so far is that on the first day I overhead a conversation between two of the women there and I knew one of them had to be pregnant. Yup, she is. So I've moved to a job that is supposed to make things easier, but now I have to deal with this. It really sucked the joy from my day on Monday. I know that it's terrible to feel that way but that's what infertility does to a person. No matter how hard we fight it, it is so hard to face the tell tell signs of pregnancy...especially every day. It also hasn't helped knowing that our profile was shown twice last week and we haven't gotten a phone call so we can probably stop thinking about those situations now....
But I had mentioned last week about needing it to warm up so I could have some good Jay/Charlie stories to tell. Well I may have something better. Monday night Jay agreed to be the head coach for Cade's Coach's Pitch baseball. This year there are enough kids for 3 teams so Jay was asked to coach. Oh yes, this could be an interesting summer.....
The only hitch so far is that on the first day I overhead a conversation between two of the women there and I knew one of them had to be pregnant. Yup, she is. So I've moved to a job that is supposed to make things easier, but now I have to deal with this. It really sucked the joy from my day on Monday. I know that it's terrible to feel that way but that's what infertility does to a person. No matter how hard we fight it, it is so hard to face the tell tell signs of pregnancy...especially every day. It also hasn't helped knowing that our profile was shown twice last week and we haven't gotten a phone call so we can probably stop thinking about those situations now....
But I had mentioned last week about needing it to warm up so I could have some good Jay/Charlie stories to tell. Well I may have something better. Monday night Jay agreed to be the head coach for Cade's Coach's Pitch baseball. This year there are enough kids for 3 teams so Jay was asked to coach. Oh yes, this could be an interesting summer.....
Friday, April 3, 2009
Today......
Yesterday we got an e-mail update from our agency. Year to date there have been 7 placements. That is the highest number we've seen placed since we were officially put in the program October 2007. On one hand it is great to know that 6 (there was a set of twins placed) couples finally had their dreams of becoming parents fulfilled. On the the other hand it is a little stinky because our profile was shown in about all of those situations and we weren't picked. I know the whole spill of that wasn't our baby, God has our baby picked out, etc, but still I question what in the heck is wrong with us???? Seriously....did someone draw moustaches on the pictures in our profile books? Did someone write on the front "these people don't use deodorant". Since I'm such a people pleaser and I don't like for people not to like me - I want to know why these people don't like me. Our Social Worker has assured us many times that our profile looks good, we don't need to change anything but still I wonder....
But not all hope is lost. Also on yesterday's e-mail there are still 4 potential situations where the expectant parents are either looking at profiles or are waiting to look at profiles. We aren't giving up hope yet....In fact we are being shown in two different situations today.
If you have a chance please say a prayer for us and the expectant parents today. The expectant parents are making one of the hardest decisions of their lives today, they need to feel that God is really leading them into what ever decision they make. Jay and I are starting to get pretty discouraged - so patience for us would be a good place to start. Also, please pray for our hearts to be able to take whatever comes of today's situations. It gets harder and harder each time we aren't picked. Even though we know God has His reasons, it's hard not to feel rejected and that we will never ever get to adopt.
Also, another thing I'm having some issues with is what do people think.....I know we shouldn't worry about what others think, but I've thought a lot about it. We've been doing this for so long so do other's think we are still trying to do this? Do they wonder if we were just all talk and never followed through on our plan to adopt? Do they think we are being too picky and will only accept the perfect child? I know if anyone is thinking this they really aren't our close friends so it shouldn't matter but it does. You all know those people in life who are all talk and never follow through on anything. If we never get to adopt will people think that is the way we are? These are just some very minor fears/thoughts/concerns I've been mulling over occasionally.
Looking back on some of these posts since the first of the year they haven't been too funny or entertaining. The weather has got to warm up so I can get some new Jay/Charlie stories to sprinkle in with the semi-depressing nothings changed posts about the adoption.
But not all hope is lost. Also on yesterday's e-mail there are still 4 potential situations where the expectant parents are either looking at profiles or are waiting to look at profiles. We aren't giving up hope yet....In fact we are being shown in two different situations today.
If you have a chance please say a prayer for us and the expectant parents today. The expectant parents are making one of the hardest decisions of their lives today, they need to feel that God is really leading them into what ever decision they make. Jay and I are starting to get pretty discouraged - so patience for us would be a good place to start. Also, please pray for our hearts to be able to take whatever comes of today's situations. It gets harder and harder each time we aren't picked. Even though we know God has His reasons, it's hard not to feel rejected and that we will never ever get to adopt.
Also, another thing I'm having some issues with is what do people think.....I know we shouldn't worry about what others think, but I've thought a lot about it. We've been doing this for so long so do other's think we are still trying to do this? Do they wonder if we were just all talk and never followed through on our plan to adopt? Do they think we are being too picky and will only accept the perfect child? I know if anyone is thinking this they really aren't our close friends so it shouldn't matter but it does. You all know those people in life who are all talk and never follow through on anything. If we never get to adopt will people think that is the way we are? These are just some very minor fears/thoughts/concerns I've been mulling over occasionally.
Looking back on some of these posts since the first of the year they haven't been too funny or entertaining. The weather has got to warm up so I can get some new Jay/Charlie stories to sprinkle in with the semi-depressing nothings changed posts about the adoption.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
