Sunday, October 7, 2007

I've Been Left Alone in the Office Again....

Those of you who have seen my office understand what I'm talking about. It is really just a large square room that is surrounded by 4 doors. Two of these doors lead to offices, one leads to the conference room and one leads to the breakroom & bathroom. Due to staffing issues I've been left alone in the office numerous times since the first of the year. It's like 2-3 days a week of being trapped in a white wall box. Things have been a little slow so the phone isn't ringing much, so it's just me sitting in complete silence. For those of you who know me well, sitting in complete silence is never a good thing for me. My mind starts to wander...usually to some disease or illness (I usually can resist the temptation to get onto WebMd, which is a good thing).

Last week was another one of those weeks. I've been alone more than I've been with another live body in the office. So my mind wandered. I'm sure the CEO of the company would love to know he's paying for a wandering mind. I was trying to figure out why I've been dragging my feet on the profile this week. We are this close (hold up your thumb and pointer finger about a quarter of an inch apart). That's how close we are to being done and I can't seem to get it finished. Why is that? We could potentially have birthmothers looking at our profile in under two weeks, but I'm dragging.

I (without the help of WebMd) have self-diagnosed myself. Since May 30, when we found out we could get started, I've been protected from the hurt of wanting a baby. It's like all the paperwork formed a protective bubble around me that other's pregnancy and birth announcements couldn't get through. I was safe, I wasn't worried about each month being "the month". I knew that I had to do xyz before there was any chance that I would be getting a baby. I wasn't just waiting anymore, I was actively doing something to move us along. Now that xyz seems to be done, we go back to waiting. You'd think with as much waiting that I've done the last few years, I would be better at it, but I'm not. When you are trying to have a baby all you do is wait. You wait to ovulate, you wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test, once you find out it's negative you wait to start the whole thing over. Once we started treatment, the waiting got even worse, wait to start the clomid, wait to see the doctor, wait to see the doctor again, wait for the IUI, wait the two weeks, and then wait to start the cycle again. Now we go back to waiting, but rather than waiting in two week increments, it's one big long wait stretching out in front of me.

I know there's always the chance that we could be picked early on, but I have to treat that the same way I treated trying to have a baby. There is a fine line between having faith that God can do anything, but yet keeping yourself realistic. I couldn't go around thinking all the time "I'm going to get pregnant this month" because I could almost convince myself that it was true. When I knew that it wasn't, it was devastating. Worst case scenario will be 3 years, I don't know how I'll cope with that. I've already made it through 2 so if I have to I can do it, I just don't want to. I guess that's why I'm dragging my feet with the profile.

I did finally get everything done this weekend. The packet is ready to go in the mail tomorrow. Once we get the profiles officially approved we will be waiting. I guess it's time to burst my protective bubble and start waiting, even though it's so "comfortable" in the bubble. The only problem is that the bubble not only keeps out the bad stuff, it also keeps out the good stuff. I know I have to burst it to start letting the good stuff in, it's just so hard to do that. No one wants to feel pain and hurt, even if we know its for our own good.

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