Mother's Day 2014

Mother’s Day is one of those events that infertility has permanently skewed my view of.  For me it is an awkward day.  I actually would be just as happy to go into hiding with my family for the whole day and not be seen in public at all.  I find the whole day to be very difficult….and it’s not the fault of anyone. And it isn’t because I don’t want to celebrate my own mother, mother-in-law, grandma’s, grandma’s by marriage and my own sister.   It is survivor’s guilt. 

Yesterday at church the minister had all of the mother’s stand.  Oh my goodness….I hated it.  Again, until you’ve experienced infertility you don’t think about it.  His heart was in the right place, he was honoring the mothers.  All I could think of was the pain I could be causing someone by standing.  I kind of half stood and then sat right back down.  I felt like I was suffocating for the rest of the service.  Then as we were singing the last song I saw Cheryl bring the kids in the front door and gave them flowers to pass out to all the women.  And again my heart hurt.  I know I’m biased but Camryn was the cutest little thing yesterday walking towards me with those flowers.  I was so happy but yet so sad for those who have a hard time with Mother’s Day.  Those who have unfulfilled motherhood dreams, those who have lost a child or their own mothers, mother’s who’s children are walking a dangerous path,  Camryn’s birthmom who gave her baby to complete strangers and all the other birthmom’s out there, etc.   It is probably one of the most happiest sad days for me every year.

But with that being said I do want to say how thankful I am for my own mother and grandmother’s.  Another thing our adoption journey made me realize was how fortunate I was to have the grandmother’s I had who taught my parents how to be good parents which then trickled down to me and then hopefully on to my own kids.  I am thankful that I get to share this season in life with my sister as we navigate these different childhood ages together.  I am thankful for the family that I got through marriage with my mother-in-law, two grandmas and a sister-in-law.  I am thankful that Nana and Mattyle raised their kids right which trickled down to me getting a really great husband and father.  And I am extremely thankful for the two blessings that God has loaned me here on earth.  Some day’s they push me to the brink of insanity but I would not trade this time in my life for anything. 

Catch Up

My blogging this year has definitely been sporadic. I've got so many stories swirling around in my head but not a lot of time or energy to write when undo have the time. But things have been rolling right along here....

State Convention is this week. Yay!!!  The end is in site. But as far as contest seasons go this one hasn't been too bad. Or maybe since Jay is in year 15 I'm finally getting used to it???

I'm calling Camryn potty trained. She still has the occasional accident, which is to be expected, but she has done very well. We started on it in February and it didn't take very long. She caught on quickly. When it comes to potty training I've learned I also need trained. Taking them out in public the first couple of times is a little nerve wracking. But we both survived. I've never been big on antibacterial gel but that was before I had a girl using a public restroom- which is way worse than a boy. After our first public outing I hit Bath and Bodyworks. 

Cade is plugging along and about to finish 6th grade. Actually the last day of school is one month from today. How is it possible I'm almost the mother of a 7th grader? When your kids are little and your in the middle of tough toddler parenting the days seem to go so slow...but the years fly by so fast. 

I had my surgery April 10th. I've been off work since then. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the surgeon and then I will head back to work. I've enjoyed my time off but I think I'm ready to go back.  As much as a toddler and a tween can make me wish for quiet it was actually strange when I had silence. By last Tuesday I was tired of sitting in a quiet house during the day.  But I am thankful that I had that time to heal. I'm doing pretty good. I had heard that my stomach muscles would be really sore so I didn't know what to expect. That actually wasn't that bad. I had a little trouble the first couple of days getting up but that was it. For me the incision has been the sore part. I lived in pajama pants for a week. I'm still only wearing my looser pants because it is still tender. I'm definitely recovering but I don't think I will be doing anything to rough for a few more weeks. 

What happens when Camryn gets my phone

I'm not a fan of most selfies, but I do like these.  Even with her runny nose- which turned into bronchitis a few days later.  It made me smile when I found them in my photos. Actually it was because I had no memory left. She had taken 150 photos like these. I did have to delete a few of them. 

I guess I have crazy food issues...

Here is the latest update in my bump...my surgeon thinks it is a hernia. I am having surgery Thursday to repair it. 

I've honestly not thought a lot about the surgery. I've known for about 2 weeks and life has continued on like normal. Except for those few thoughts that all mothers would have...like making sure the house is clean, laundry is caught up and there are some meals in the freezer. I think that is pretty normal. I've also been working to get things caught up at work the best I can. Totally normal behavior for someone, at least in my opinion. 

Then I went grocery shopping a total of 3 times last week. Two small stops during the week and 1 big stop Saturday....I should've known I was being  too calm. I have a friend who always talks about how the stress will come out somewhere, even when we don't think we are feeling it. As I was putting away the groceries and organizing the pantry my fog lifted and I realized what I had done...

12 cans of black olives

14 cans of corn

7 boxes of chicken broth 

3 bunches of bananas

I wondered if that was maybe the surgery stress coming out a little. A little later Jay saw the pantry and asked me if that was a mental thing because of the surgery. We've been together 15.5 years. I guess he is finally figuring me out. 

So if anyone needs black olives or frozen bananas for smoothies I've got plenty!

If my dear friend who is so in to end times prophecy saw this she would think I was preparing for It like she is. But I'm not sure how far 10 cans of black olives would get us....

Bump Update

After reading so many blogs about adoption and infertility I’ve seen a lot of post with bump update as the title.  Ninety-nine point nine of them refer to a pregnancy bump and then the update is followed by cute little  pictures of people who have gained 5 lbs over 40 weeks.  Of course for me a bump update quite literally means an update on the weird bump I had show up a few weeks ago.  And there will be no cute pictures to follow.  Because 1) they would not be cute and 2) you would have to poke your eyes out afterwards. 

I went for my ultrasound yesterday.  I had been warned that this particular tech might be a little grumpy and quiet.  And he definitely would not tell me anything – which didn’t surprise me.  I wouldn’t have asked anyway.  But this guy and I bonded over infertility and I think we were close to being besties by the time I left.  He was very nice to me AND he did give me some slight indicators as to what he thought it was. 

It all started when he asked if I’d ever had an ultrasound before.  Instead of just saying yes I said “oh, I’ve been through infertility so I’ve had lots of ultrasounds.”  That seemed to open him up and he told me that this would be no big deal – which was exactly what I had figured it would be.  He asked where we had gone for treatment and I gave him the way condensed 2-3 sentence answer.  He told me he and his wife had gone to KC for treatment.  They decided not to pursue it and now she is 28 weeks pregnant with a boy.  Of course I showed the proper excitement for them and told him how happy I was to hear that.  After a while he said he was going to check my other side to make sure he wasn’t seeing anything  there.  I asked him if he was in fact seeing something.  He said that he did find something and that I was definitely not making this up.  He said “something looks herniated and it is going into your abdominal cavity.”  I had really not been nervous about any of this until he said that.  Then I thought what if this isn’t a hernia?  What if I have something going into my abdomen?  So all of a sudden the prospect of hernia surgery sounded much better than it had earlier.  A few minutes later he asked if the doctor had told me to come with a full bladder, which they had and I had somewhat ignored it.  He told me he was sorry if I had been uncomfortable because I really didn’t need the full bladder- that is only for ovary ultrasounds.  I told him that I had wondered if we’d be ultrasounding the right part when I read that in my instructions.  We both laughed.  It was a little bit of infertility humor – you probably had to have been there. 

Also before I left he told me that he didn't see anything life threatening and that if he had they wouldn't have let me leave.  But then he proceeded to tell me that if I feel extreme pain I need to get to the ER immediately.  Great....so not only was I worried about what was in my abdomen but now I have to worry about the pain I'm feeling and what exactly severe means.  I'm going to go with the theory I will just know it if I have it?  So far I'd consider it more of an irritating pain that makes you feel exhausted by the end of the day - but not something that is doubling me over and keeping me from functioning.  There is never a dull moment in our house.  So far March has been extremely calm for us but leave it to me to get a hernia! 

My doctor called me today with the results -  a “possible” hernia.  I am going next week to have another test made and then will be referred to a surgeon.  I’m still not 100% on what it is, I also don’t know if surgery will be required.  But I’m figuring between Camryn’s $250 strep test in December, Cade’s weird infection and now this I should have Cox paid off about the time we payoff our 20 year mortgage.  But as long as none of this ends of being a big deal I will make my monthly payments with a smile…or at least a half smile

Cade is 12!

Today is Cade's 12th Birthday.  I can't hardly believe he is that old.  Next year I will have a teenager in the house.  Yikes!!!  I was able to talk him in to one last themed party.  Since both of our birthdays are so close to St Patricks day I've always wanted to incorporate that somehow.  This year I convinced him to do a 4-H Clover and then that would give me an excuse to buy some other green things and call it a 4-H party.  At one point he told Jay he wasn't sure about this theme.  Jay said "oh, don't worry about it.  The theme isn't for you anyway - it is for your mom."  I do love a theme party.

 

Janella did our cake and of course it was wonderful.  I tell her what I want and she always does a million times better than I ever imagined.  I told her to put the clover and the 5 pigs on it.  If I was decorating it I probably would have stuck the clover in the middle and put the pigs in the corners.  Then after seeing Janella's cake I realized what I was picturing would have looked like flying pigs.  That is why Janella handles the cakes.  This one ranks up there as one of my favorite cakes she has done. 

I didn't get any pictures of the rest of the cousins because my memory was full.  I need Charity to send me those and I will get them posted.  We had a fun night.  Camryn was so excited about this cake that Charity caught her with a butter knife headed for it.  Since then Camryn keeps asking me if Cade's birthday is on or off. 

 

Prior to the party my dad and Lynn came bearing gifts. - and it wasn't just a card with money!!  Dad and Lynn and getting ready to redo our old house which means at 2 days shy of my 37th birthday I was moved out of my dads house.  He brought the contents of my childhood bedroom to my house in a Uhaul.  I wish I had a recording of Jay through out all that....

 

when I asked if he wanted to move the stuff to the garage before or after we ate 

"AFTER WE EAT - we can't deal with that on an empty stomach"

 

when I opened up the garage door to ask him how bad it all looked

"it's the most depressing thing I've seen all day"

 

when dad helped him unload the last box

"well congraulations you got rid of one room of crap"

 

when someone noticed Cade's last years 4-H cake was sitting on top of our computer cabinet

"oh great, we can give it to Cade when he turns 37"

 

after we moved in the piano

Well, we have officially ran out of house"

 

Sunday morning when I said the walls of the house were closing in

"well the garage is going to have to start puking some stuff out"

 

My dad also had a great one liner Saturday night about Charity and I getting the junk out of his house

"Remember when I wrote on Justin and Charity's picture at their wedding 'The Best is Yet to Come'? This is what I meant"

 

I think my second most quoted movie on this blog is Sixteen Candles.  Remember when girl drops a weight in the attic and it goes though each level of the house and you can hear people say "party's over'?  Yeah, that was what happened Saturday night.  But instead of a weight it was a piano.  Nothing clears out a room like unloading and moving one bookshelf and putting a piano in it's place. 

 

This was the kitchen after everyone left

And this picture doesn't quite do it justice, but this is the family room.  Cade's friend is sitting on a pile of books from the shelf that we moved behind him.  To the right of Cade is where the shelf used to be, but now a piano is there. 

And so you get the full aspect of this entire story I will share all of it. I've got a mystery lump. My doctor isn't sure what it is so I'm going for an ultrasound tomorrow - but I'm wondering if it is a hernia. It comes and goes and gets sore when I move around a lot.  After being on my feet all day Saturday before the party it was blown up and sore. Then we moved a piano - which I ended not helping with much at all.  Thank goodness my mom, Sharon  and Lynn directed some of the traffic on rug useage and door opening so my floor wouldn't get scratched.  And while all the adults were focused on moving a piano Camryn saw her opportunity to gorge herself on the cake that was left within her reach.  This was Janella's beautiful cake after Camyn put her entire face in it to eat the icing.

mystery lumps, pianos, 37 years worth of stuff, birthday's, icing overload....when  we do things we do it big!  And I appreciate having a family who doesn't mind taking over for me when I couldn't do it myself. 

Yet another pig story

Miller was out of school yesterday and Cade decided he would rather stay home than go with Jay.  Sometime in the afternoon Cade decided to go check his pigs.  I'm really not sure how all of this happened.  Cade described it to me, but I couldn't quite get the logistics of it all.  Long story short - somehow two of the pigs got out of their fence and were running through our woods.  I have no idea how Cade managed to catch them.  They are getting pretty big and harder to catch even when they are in their house.  I am surprised he didn't totally freak out.  Somehow he got them caught and locked back in the farrowing house.  Then he lifted the lid to check their water.  They needed water and to reach it he had to get in the house.  Again, I'm not sure how it all happened but the roof closed on Cade.  He was stuck in the farrowing house with the pigs.  We have no idea how long he was in there.  We are guessing about 30 minutes.  He said he was finally able to use all of his strength and get the roof open from the inside. 

I am about pigged out.