Thursday, April 21, 2011

A few weeks ago I posted about three situations where our profile was being shown. I hadn't felt like updating it until now. None of those worked out. Two of them decided to parent, which is great. I had a feeling that was what would happen. After doing this for so long you kind of get a feeling for which ones will and which ones won't. Those two were young and typically that is what happens when the mother's are young. I know that is not the case 100% of the time, but in my 3.5 years of waiting experience that's what I've seen happen. Honestly, most of the time when I find out that the mother is under 20 I really don't get my hopes up too much.

But, (and there is always a but!) I was sad about the 3rd one. That one I felt like the mother was going to place – so that wasn't an issue, there were some father concerns, but I felt those would work out. I prayed and prayed and prayed for that one to work out. It was a little girl – even though I tried so hard not to I let myself vision what our house could look like on Easter, it was impossible to control all the daydreams. I love buying our Easter clothes…I would be in heaven if I got to buy a dress. My heart aches so much at Easter because it yearns to be able to buy a special outfit for a baby just one more time. It was really hard last year because I had thought we would have one at Easter and we didn't. I just love this holiday and it's hard going through it year after year. Instead, we plan to stage some pictures Sunday afternoon so I can complete Take 3 on our profile book (Grrrrr!!!). When we got the email a few weeks ago that another family had been chosen I was pretty sad.

I got through those grief stages pretty quickly that time. I let go of the Easter dreams. I knew that having another one by Easter was very unlikely at that point.  I should probably clarify here - it's not that I didn't/don't believe God can do anything...but I also know that if there was a cold call and we were chosen the baby wouldn't be in our home by Easter due to court and other legalities. But I've still been pretty emotional…and a little crabby. Like there is an underlying something going on but I couldn't put my finger on it. Today it hit me…If the transfer in July had worked I would've been due on Easter. That explains why I've been a little unreasonable lately. It's one of those cases where my body seems to know something is going on, it just takes me a little while to mentally catch up.

I really really do try to stay positive about this and I can about 99% of the time – but there is that 1% where I want to scream to God is this ever going to end?

But there is another somewhat bright spot…if you could call it a bright spot. The one situation where another family was picked and I was sad ended up being in our best interest. We got our monthly update and the birthfather will not cooperate. It looks like the mother will end up having to parent because the father is not to where he can parent. Hopefully that mom will make the best of it and will become a great mother. She will need a lot of prayers. But that whole situation is one that will make an adoptive family pull out their hair – I won't go into details about it – but it is maddening. But the "good point" is that I'm glad we weren't the family picked only to find out that the match would fall through. I do feel for the family who went through it, but I am selfish enough to say that I'm so thankful that it wasn't us. Definitely a time where with hindsight you know that God was looking out for us. I'm not sure my heart could handle another failed match again….I'm sure if it were to happen God would get me through it…but I'd really like to avoid that pain again if at all possible. Experiencing that twice in one lifetime is 2 times two many!

So we will just gear up to ride that roller coaster again. There is a chance that our profile could be shown again in the next few weeks. I do have a little more hope because I changed our short profile around….but that is a double edged sword. I think we sound really good, but then when we don't get picked I get frustrated because WHAT ELSE CAN I DO DIFFERENTLY????

This time of year I tend to get myself a little extra worked up because we are heading into summer….How great would it be to get a baby during the summer and I could take my 12 weeks off and spend it at home with a new baby, Cade & Jay. So the Easter daydreams are being replaced with summer vacation dreams….which this is nothing new. Happens every year around this time….

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Praying for you, girl.