Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Some Anxiety

I'm freaking out a little bit today. I'm scared that my body is not cooperating and tomorrow my ultrasound is not going to go well. I'm terrified that I've made it this far but tomorrow it's all going to end. I've read and re- read and then read again the protocol sheet that the clinic sent me. I've counted my days again to make sure I stopped the Lupron on the right day. I've quadruple checked the Estrace dosage I've been taking.

I already have a tendency to be OCD and then when you add on the stress, medication and hormones you can imagine what it's doing to me. One minute I feel ok that tomorrow will turn out fine then 30 seconds later I'm convinced it will be over. Then I looked ahead to the blood test date. If I do make it through tomorrow how will I handle that day. Then that makes me even more nervous. Then I think why did I agree to do this? Why did I willingly bring all of these pregnancy/infertility feelings back to the surface when I had managed to bury them quite nicely years ago. WHY WHY WHY?? Deep breath, deep breath….

Then we got an e-mail about having our profile shown in a situation for a baby due this fall. What do we do??? Do we show it? Not show it? It would be an at risk placement which means it's a 60 day wait and see period. Normally that never bothers me, I just automatically send a response back to show us. Today the thought of 60 days scares me. 60 DAYS!!! That's a long time to not know what's going to happen. But of course we'd have to be picked first for it to even matter.

I guess this is all coming down to the fact that I want another baby but I'm so terrified of putting my heart out there again for it. And there's probably some medication playing into these feelings too. I'll be glad when tomorrow is over!

1 comment:

Shelley said...

It's just an overwhelming experience. I can't imagine have EA compounded with DIA! You are doing great!! I'd have to be institutionalized I'm afraid if those two were happening at the same time in my life. You are so strong! Hang in there.