Friday, April 16, 2010

Embryo Update

We are still on track to head to the great state of Tennessee for our appointment May 6.  Today I started the Estrace which is an estrogen pill.  The transfer won't happen until this summer, but they do a mock transfer on the first visit which means I have to take the medication to see how it works for me.  I'm thrilled about it (insert sarcasm).  I've heard "great" things about this pill - it's mostly mood related.  It also came with a wonderful list of possible side effects, but to even get to the side effects I had to read  two pages of warnings.  Yes, I'm absolutely thrilled.  At least one positive was that I didn't have to start taking it while Jay was gone.  He should be back from state convention tonight so he'll be around if I have any major problems with it.  Not that I really expect to, but you never know.  I had visions of having a stroke and being unable to move from the bed while Cade ran around oblivious to anything but playing with his Indiana Jones toys. 

I'm really, really nervous about all of this.  Actually I'm terrified - mostly of it failing.  We had another adoption situation this week that didn't go they way we thought it would and it was hard.  There have also been a lot of Mo families picked this week so that's added to our disappointments.  I don't know that I can emotionally handle another failure, especially when it involves my own body.  I'm scared of going through all of this, risking the side effects of all the medication to still end up without another baby.  Mentally I'm so used to things not working that I can't think of it going any other way.  I know I should trust more, but it's so hard when things have looked great for us so many times, but never worked out.  Every time we did an IUI the doctor said we looked good on paper....both of our adoption situations looked like they would work....Nothing was successful.

Another mental issue I'm trying to work through is that I always need to have a plan.  I got through our initial infertility and failed treatments by thinking about adoption.  It didn't matter if they didn't work because we were both on board with moving to adoption after we completed 3 IUI's.  Then we started the adoption process and I was ok.  This was going to work.  After waiting 1 year we started to wonder, but in the back of my mind I started thinking about embryo adoption.  After 1 year and 9 months of waiting we sent in our embryo application.  Even though we still continued to wait for an adoption I was ok because I knew we had another plan - we would do the embryo adoption.  Now that we are finally here, I've ran out of backup plans.  This is our absolute last plan.  There's is nothing else we can do after this point.  We will continue to wait for an adoption even if this fails but it won't be the same.  Once we take this step and find out if it works or not I'm out of plans.  There's this part of me that wonders if I'm ready to end it yet?  Am I ready to know for sure that we are out of options?  I don't know.

Today I need to send out a blanket apology to all my friends, family and co-workers.  I'm sorry for anything I may do or say from now until May 6th.  Just remember it's the hormones.  You might say an extra prayer for Jay.  I'm afraid he may have a loooong 3 weeks ahead of him....

1 comment:

Shelley and Steve said...

When we did IVF I was so aware that my moods could swing like crazy so I made a huge effort to be over the top nice. It really helped. I hope you are side effect free!