Progression of a baby smile

We are ready to head to Avery's 5th birthday party ( so hard to believe). It took a few tries to get a smile...













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Harder than I ever anticipated....

Bringing another baby home has been much harder than I ever anticipated.  All those years we waited to adopt I figured I'd breeze right into motherhood the second time with very little issues.  I'd know what I was doing...I wouldn't be physically recovering from labor...I wouldn't have all the hormonal changes that a woman goes through after birth.  Really, how much easier could it get?  And somewhere God is laughing at me right now. 

Ok, so now I will add another phrase to the list of things all infertile and adoptive parents hate to hear
1.  Just Relax
2.  Adopt and you'll get pregnant .......and drumroll please....

3.  It's not like you are recovering from labor

I'm a nut right now, which is probably apparant by the fact that I still have our sad story on the right of the blog along with a picture of just the three of us.  I see it mocking me everytime I get on here but blogger has been very slow about uploading my pictures and I just don't have it in me to mess with it yet.  For some reason the computer has made me very angry the last month, it doesn't seem to work fast enough to suit me.  I tried to submit a birth announcement to our local paper and was temepted to throw the computer down.  Yeah, so much for not having any "hormonal" issues.

I also seem to have some serious time management issues going on.  You would think that since I've been home all week I'd be more on top of things.  Instead I finally made it through our bill basket this evening.  I found 2 bills that needed to be paid that I had completely forgotten about, a tax thing for the Icebox that had also slipped my mind and it dawned on me my car tags were due in June.  So now tomorrow I have to fit in a lot of things before we leave for KC on Saturday that I could've spread out over the week but it never crossed my mind.  So much for not having pregnancy induced memory loss.

I just feel crazy...I'm not sure it even has anything to do with Camryn directly.  I think it's more that I'm just out of touch with so many things and I'm the type who has to know everything that's going on.  We are going to the Hereford Jr National next week.  I've never been to something like this so I'm already clueless.  Add in this weird out of touch feeling I'm experiencing and I really don't know what is going on....and Jay is in charge of this trip so I've seen none of the emails.  Thank goodness I've got a 10lb excuse to hide behind. 

I do think part of my problem is that it is becoming apparant I'm not a very structured person.  Why is it last summer when we worked constantly between our normal jobs and the Icebox my house stayed clean?  I'm home all day for 4 weeks and it's like the laundry monster vomitted.  Clearly, I work better with time constraints.  Give me a whole day and I'll put it all off until the last minute.  Jay looked at me yesterday and said I needed to go back to work.  I'm loving being home with everyone, but I know what he means.  When given the choice between doing the dishes during Camryn's morning nap or watching Fraiser I will take Fraiser.  Because I've got all day to do the dishes....yeah right!!!

Even though I don't believe I ever directly said anything to an adoptive parent about it being "easy" I want to apologize for thinking it.  No matter how the baby comes into your life it is still hard.  In someways adoption may be harder.  Yeah, we had 3 yr 8 months and 1 day to prepare, but we didn't do anything during that time.  We squeezed what most people do in 9 months into one weekend so we weren't super prepared for anything.  Our calm little monotonous family life has changed...although it is a wonderful change and I'm not complaining, it's still a new normal we are adjusting to.  Also, and this is totally selfish, I can see where there is a pro to it being a closed adoption.  With everything else going on I've somewhat blocked out the whole adoption thing and since we don't have contact with Camryn's family it's not right in "my face" all the time.  I can't imagine families going through this adjustment plus handling the dynamics of contact with the birthfamily.  Talk about emotionally charged!  But we do have our first post-placement visit with our social worker a week from Tuesday so that's hanging over us.  Not that I'm worried about anything, but with being in KC for a week, getting home Sat/Sun and then having her here Tuesday I'm a little overwhelmed.  It is hard enough unpacking after a trip normally.  How will I handle unpacking this time?  Hopefully since I'll have a time contsraint I'll get it done.  Or Jamie may have to sit with piles of laundry around her.  Oh well....one definite plus of being 9 years older this time is that I'm not as uptight and I've learned to let things go around the house....or at least that's what I'm telling myself.  I'm not lazy...I'm loosing up! 

Groundhog Days

There are so many things I'd like to do right now...catch up on the blog, return some emails, finish my thank you's, make bows, watch Frasier at 9 on the WE channel,  work on Camryn's room and of course hold my baby 24/7.  It's really hard to get all that done in a day.  Then when you add in the stuff that I really need to do....keep the mess in the house from totally exploding, trying to not let the clean laundry cover every available seat in the family room, balance our checkbook, go through the bill basket and make sure I haven't forgot anything this past month, try to at least exercise a little so I'll still fit in my clothes when I go back to work in September....Oh, and I need to start packing for our week long trip to KC next week for the Hereford Junior National....I feel like I'm living the same day over and over.  I get up and wash bottles and clean up the kitchen and from there I really don't know what happens to the rest of my day.   But I'm not doing a very good job of getting anything done on my need to and want to lists.  Except for Fraiser....I do log quite a bit of time in the chair, drinking coffee, holding my baby and watching Fraiser.  Maybe that's why Jay leaves the house so early every morning?  He's not a Fraiser fan.  Oh well...things will get done eventually, and I work better under pressure anyway.  It's pretty motivating when you realize you're out of clean underwear.

The baseball season that would never end....

Some of you may remember the Lupron induced breakdown I had last year when Cade's last year of Coach's Pitch ended.  I cried all weekend.  I've always enjoyed his baseball seasons and all in all they were a good time.  As it turns out I don't really think it's baseball that I enjoyed....it was the funny things the kids did as they were learning....like standing the wrong way in the outfield, more worried about getting a ring pop than what was going on in the field, drinking tons of gatorade before the game would start and then they'd do the potty dance in the outfield.  Yeah, that's what I really enjoyed about coach's pitch.  Regular baseball....not so much.  It is an hour and thirty minutes of sweating buckets while you watch 9&10 year olds pitch to each other.  Oh, on occassion you have a really good hit or a really good strike, but it's mostly watching the ball go everywhere but into the catchers glove.  Some of the biggest excitment is when one goes over the backstop and everyone covers their smaller children with their bodies.  Good times.

I think the season this year has seemed extra long for us.  Seriously, I think it was 5 years ago we played our first game.  And as Jay recalled last night, we've even missed 4 games.  Four games....and it feels like an eternity.  We missed the 4 games due to Camryn, which is why missing them was acceptable.  Otherwise we don't skip games.  Its a rule in our house that once you start something you finish it.....no matter how much Jay and I are crying and begging to not have to go.  Monday night we played our first tournament game.  Of course the tournament is in Stockton which is the middle of nowhere for us down some curvy roads.  It is not a fun drive and it takes right at an hour to get there.  We missed Monday because we took Camryn to Jay's grandparents in Fayetteville.  They hadn't seen her yet and Jay's Aunt and Uncle from Chicago were there.  I know Jay and I were secretly thinking/hoping we were done with baseball.  When one of the parents texted us and said we were losing we were happy about it.  Until she texted us later and told us it was double elimination.  We had to go back to Stockton Tuesday night (insert big sigh here). 

Tuesday night we traveled back to Stockton for a 7:30 pm game.  At least the weather was wonderful.  That made it bearable.  We were so close to losing and then at the last moment we pulled ahead.  We go back to Stockton again tonight.  We play our first game at 6.  If we win we play again at 7:30.  It is so hot outside right now that I start sweating just thinking about sitting at this 6 o'clock game.   Then when you add in a summer baby it doesn't make things easier.  I know there are pros and cons to a baby born in any season, but a summer baby with a boy playing ball is definitely a con.  With Cade being born in March by the summer he could somewhat support himself.  You could put him our your lap and he didn't have to touch you and you weren't touching all of him.  Poor Camryn is a sticky mess by the end of these games.  Since she can't support herself we are just all over each other.  I take the stroller and she does good in it, but then she doesn't get as much air as she does when she's on your lap.  But when she's on your lap it's hard to keep the sun off of her.  We are just lucky she is such a good natured baby and takes everything she's exposed to in stride.  Otherwie there would probably be a lot of crying at these games....and Camryn wouldn't be very happy either. 

Wow, my life is 180 degrees different than it was a year ago. 

Some Camryn Shots

This was Camryn's first morning at home.  I couldn't wait to dress her in this animal print onesie with a pink bow

 

This one was before her first wedding on June 18.  She was not pleased with me taking her picture that day.  The dress is another one of Avery's.  Thank goodness for fashionable cousins!

 

This was Fathers Day after church.  I love the flower!  Charity gave it to her.  I also love this dress....guess who is letting us borrow it.....

This was that same evening.  You will see a lot of my knees and feet in some of the pictures.  I sit in the chair just holding her a lot during the day.

This is a very large bow.  It shrinks her head.  People comment on the fact she seems so tiny, but she really isn't that small.  Jay thinks it's the size of most of her flowers and bows.  Compared to those she is tiny.

This was Monday night after our first day running errands in Springfield.  Don't we all feel this way after grocery shopping?

How sweet is this?  It was at Cade's Tuesday night ballgame.

I went for a bow on top of her head this day.  Cade liked it better than the big bows. 

Her onesie says I Love My Mom & Dad....she is thinking I'd love them more if they'd quit putting me in my car seat!

Just a sweet picture I took Friday morning.

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Some other adoption stuff....

I know there are/have been a lot of questions, which I expected. This is the first time in either of our immediate families that someone has adopted. I’ve always tried to be as honest as I can about our whole journey to this point because that’s the way I am. I will also continue to be as up front as I can about Camryn and her adoption and how it plays out in our family, but her birthfamily information is private and I won’t share that here – which is very, very, very common in adoption. We signed a confidentially agreement with our agency to not disclose this information. But I do welcome any questions that you may have about adoption and the process and how it has/is/will affect us and our family.

About the adoption – We do have a closed adoption. That was at the request of Camryn’s birthfamily. I always figured we would have at least a semi-open or even a fully open adoption because that is becoming more and more common. I’m having to readjust my thinking a little since we are in a closed adoption. There are pros and cons to either way so we will make the best of it. For me right now one of the biggest questions I have is how we will relay to her that she is adopted. If you have regular contact with the family I can see how that makes explaining it easier. I’ve got some ideas floating around so we’ll see how that works out. At least I’ve got some time! We do hope that at some point her birthfamily will contact us.

What we do know – We do have a pretty complete health history on both birthparents. I know that’s always a big question for most people. We are fortunate that both parents were involved in the adoption so we have that information for both of them. We also know some other personal information that we are going to save for Camryn. We will honor their wishes for the adoption to remain closed. If Camryn wants to contact them when she is older we will give her the information we have and then support her in every way we can.

About the blog – I had wondered what to do about the blog once we got Camryn. Should I make I private? Should I not show pictures of her out of respect for her birthfamily? I’ve seen it done a variety of ways over the years. I’ve decided to leave it the way it is. It’s as much about our family as it is adoption. Camryn is part of the family so I will include her. My other reasoning for this is I’m not sure how much the birthfamily knows about us. I don’t know if they know what we named her or what our names are. I guess I have hope that maybe they do know her name and if someday that decide they’d like to know how she is but don’t feel up to contacting the agency maybe they would stumble across this blog? I know that’ s a longshot, but who knows. We don’t fear them at all and I would love for them to know how wonderful she is.

About her name – We’ve also had some questions about her name. Yes, Camryn is probably a little more unusual than some names. Jay and I had never discussed girl names so we had to pick one in a very short amount of time. We went to the hospital with a list of a few that we were going to try out on her – Camryn was one of them. Charity actually came up with Cade’s name in the beginning of my pregnancy so I told Charity to submit some of her favorite girl C names. Camryn was also on her list so it seemed like it was meant to be. It took me awhile to actually give her that name. The nurses asked me several times what we were naming her and I would tell them we hadn’t decided. Finally on Sunday, before we could leave, we had to name her. It was very scary putting a name on a baby we weren’t sure was going to be ours. Her middle name is Lee, which was Jay’s grandmother’s maiden name. Both Cade and Camryn have middle names that come from their great-grandparents. Cade’s middle name is Ewing. Camryn’s birthmom’s name does start with a C so I may refer to her as C from time to time. Or maybe I should pick another letter? We’ve got a lot of C’s running around here!

How she is doing – She is such a wonderful baby. She is sleeping 4-6 hours at night and after she eats she goes back to sleep. She is so calm and doesn’t seem to get too upset about anything except bath time. Bath time makes her very mad. She has a cry that ends in a pig snort which is so cute I don’t mind when she gets mad. I’m sure that part of the reason Camryn is such an easy baby is that Jay and I are much more relaxed than we were 9 years ago. I look back at things I did to poor Cade and I feel really bad and think man, was I dumb! Also, being a mother at 34 vs 25 is a different experience. I’m just relaxing and trying to enjoy every moment with her because the 9 year old proof is right in front of me that it goes way too fast (Cade has grown almost 2 inches in 3 months).

How Cade is adjusting – So far he is still thrilled with his sister . We haven’t seen any jealously or anything along those lines from him. He will still crawl in my lap so sometimes I have both of them and it’s great! He spent the night with Jay’s parents this week and he told them he missed Camryn but he didn’t miss us!  Yesterday she did have a fussy period for about an hour and I think it was the first time she irritated him.  He told me he was tired of her crying!  I'm sure that was the first of many times she will manage to annoy him.  Another funny thing is this picture.  I wanted a picture to put in our company newsletter so I had Cade wear one that coordinated with Camryn's dress.  As soon as the picture was done Cade had to change.  We were going to the library and it was too embarassing to wear the same color clothes!  I guess the matching outfit boat sailed years ago! 

The Story Part 3

Here is the long delayed Part 3 of the story.....

Over the weekend we did a lot of cleaning and getting ready for the baby.  Camryn's room was pretty much my craft room...or as Jay likes to call it.... my crap room.  There was a lot of stuff in her closet that had to find another home.  Six years ago when we bought this house I couldn't imagine filling up all this space - now I've got a bunch of craft supplies hidden behind my bed because I don't know where else to store it!  Somehow by Sunday night our house was clean and we were almost ready to leave for St Louis.

But of course, because things tend to be out of control for us most of the time, we had to drive to Joplin first thing Monday morning so Jay could go to an ENT.  He's had an ear infection for over a month.  He made his 3rd trip to the doctor last Friday and he arranged to have an ENT work Jay in Monday because he thought he needed a tube.  Turns out he had some infection stuck on his ear drum so it had to be flushed out.  I'll spare you the picture here but if you want to see it just ask Jay.  I think he's as proud of that picture as he is Camryn.  He hadn't been able to hear for several weeks and he instantly felt about 80% better.  Now he doesn't have an excuse to ignore me :)  So when we started out on Monday we were really in Joplin.  It seemed like it took forever to get to St Louis.

That evening we were able to meet some other adoption friends- Rachel and Steve and their two precious girls.  It was a really fun evening and it was good for us.  Instead of staring at our hotel walls we got to talk to other adoptive parents.  Cade even got taken down by a 2 1/2 year old in a wrestling match!  It was a lot of fun.

Finally Tuesday morning got here.  I think it was about 2am Jay and I both woke up and thought for sure it was time to get up.  You can imagine how disappointed we were!  Court was at 9 but we left our hotel at 8.  After all these years we weren't about to be late!  I think it was about 9:30 before we got started and it was a very serious affair.  We were present to hear the case terminating Camryn's birthparents rights.  That was probably the most emotional part for me - just to hear that their rights were terminated made me sad. Such a hard and painful decision for them to make.  Then they presented the case to grant us custody of Camryn.  Jay went first so he had to answer most of the hard questions like when was he married and Camryn's birthdate!  I just had to say that I agreed with his answers.  Then all of a sudden it was done and we were free to leave and go get our baby girl.  I couldn't believe we were finally done after all these years.  Depending on how you look at it, here is our official wait time....
6 years since we decided we were ready for another baby
4 years 6 months since we first contacted Bethany and
3 years 8 months and 1 day since we became an official waiting family

But she is the sweetest thing and totally worth the wait! 

This is Debbie, Camryn's 2nd Interim Care mom.  She was wonderful.  She emailed me everyday and gave us a CD with pictures she had taken of Camryn so we wouldn't miss out on those days.

Jay and Cade are getting familiar with her again

Finally our official Family of 4 picture

Heading home with 2 kids in the backseat

We met Megan and Terry in Rolla so they could meet Camryn

Finally Camryn in home!  This is her first picture in our house...then we headed out to one of Cade's baseball games.

Too many trips to St Louis in one week can make a boy cranky. Then when his mom wants pictures taken it gets worse.....

Then when you tell him he needs to get ready for a ballgame it gets even worse....

But then Dad knew what to say to get him to smile again.