Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Adoption Ramblings

Lately I’ve been struggling with what to type on the blog. I’ve got so many posts swirling around in my head but I don’t have the time to get them down. I’ve also got many, many pictures to post, but I can’t seem to get to that either. I’m also not getting to the laundry, the dishes, or the bathrooms either so at least I’m across the board with my neglectfulness.

I’ve had a lot of adoption thoughts going around and around. Not so much about our adoption, but things that I read on other blogs. I don’t know if its jealously (because some of these people wait all of 3 minutes, even though I know our wait was perfect), if it’s a been there done that sort of cringing when I see what they write about their matches….I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something bothers me about it. A lot. I’ve started several posts to try to sort out these feelings, but I never post them. And honestly, it is their blog and they can do what they want. I just wonder about others who are waiting reading these blogs and thinking its ok to say in internet land exactly what you want? And that all adoptions are just rosy posy and they will love the birthmothers and have such a connection with them etc.

I know we told a lot of people in real life (not on the blog or FB) about our 1st match. We were so excited we couldn’t contain ourselves. Looking back I don’t know that I’d necessarily change anything about it. I really believe we told so many people because God knew we were going to need those prayers when the match failed. When we had our 2nd failed match we pretty much only told a few close friends and immediate family. Again, that seemed to be the perfect amount because we didn’t have to tell a lot of people but we still had prayers and support that awful day when we left Baby C at the hospital. I know that it was the prayers from every one that helped us get through those 2 matches. So I’m not against telling people at all. I just wonder if some people tell too much?

A couple of these blogs are matched with babies not due for a few months. They announce names and due dates, etc. I really worry about these families because they seem to be so attached to these babies already. What happens if it falls through? I know that pain and I hate to see anyone else go through it. And in our cases we had stayed somewhat detached….didn’t announce names (except Baby C because he was already named by his birthmom and only to the friends/family we told)….only bought a few baby necessities, etc. These families are planning showers for those particular babies. Ahh, I just cringe for them because if it doesn’t happen I couldn’t imagine dealing with all of that stuff.

With our first loss we were matched for about 10 days. We spent 3 or 4 days in Illinois waiting to get him. We had to kill some time so we went to Springfield, Ill to the Lincoln museum. I’ve rarely looked at those pictures, but when I do it makes me a little sick. Even now. Mostly because I can remember the feel of the extreme amount of stress we were under at that moment. A person there volunteered to take our picture together and you can see the stress on all of our faces. We were waiting on a phone call from Illinois DCFS that never came. All of that was bad enough. I can’t imagine sitting through a shower opening gifts for a specific baby I’m waiting on that may or may not come home with me. I know those memories will be with you forever. I don’t think I’d want to remember a shower for a baby that was never meant to be. I also think about their families, if the matches don’t go through they will also hurt. That was a big reason why we waited to tell our families for as long as we did with Camryn. We wanted to avoid the hurt/stress for them for as long as we could.

Sometimes I also wonder if these families really don’t understand how hard it is all going to be once the baby is born. How hard it is to use a name for a child that may not be yours? How hard it is to hold them and want to love them with your whole heart but yet you are terrified. More terrified than you’ve ever been in your life? Or you sit there holding this sweet bundle and your heart is breaking for the mother who is on a different floor so she won’t have to see all of the happy new parents on the OB floor. Or you’re at the hospital and you have to go to the cafeteria and you are so nervous waiting for the elevator to show up and then again when it opens because you don’t want to accidentally run into the birth parents because they didn’t want to meet you and you don’t want to cause them anymore pain. It is so so hard.

Even once TPR is signed and you’re 6 weeks (as of today) away from finalization it’s still hard. I would say that since our adoption is closed it probably hasn’t been as hard for us as it is some families. I think when you have a more open relationship you are probably reminded more of the pain the birthfamilies go through. In some ways we are “lucky” to not have that. But Camryn is so sweet right now. When she looks at me with her paci in her mouth and her big blue eyes it makes me teary for C. I know she did what she thought was best and our lives are so blessed because of it, but Wow…how did she do it? How could she physically/mentally do what she did?

Sometimes I really wonder if having a year long mandatory wait wouldn’t be a bad idea for adoptions, at least with your first one. I know that our long wait made Jay and I learn more and more about the adoption process. I look back on how we were our first year and I know our wait will make us better adoptive parents. I know many would disagree with me on that point, but it’s just my opinion. Sometimes waiting isn’t all bad.

Adoption is so much more than getting that match and posting it and ultrasound pics and names on FB and a blog and then bringing home a baby XX months later. I wonder if some of these parents realize that to the extent they should? Do they keep in mind that until TPR is signed and in place (which differs from state to state and even county to county) that baby is not theirs?  I just really don't know.  And I don't know who is at fault.  Is it the adoptive parents in denial or do the agencies gloss over the fact that things aren't always perfect and nothing with adoption is guaranteed?  Or maybe I'm just a cynical mean person trying to ruin their day.  I'm just really not sure.


cdketchie said...

I just wanted to thank you for saying this! We had a failed placement (had the baby home with us for four days before birthmom changed her mind), then waited another year before we got our son. I was so sick of the stories I would read online, because that is all our friends and family think of adoption...everything is just picture perfect. The truth about adoption is that it is hard and frustrating. I always felt like I was waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under me. We went to speak on the panel recently for the agency we used, and I told them...honestly, I sat exactly where they were and listened to all of the "fairy tale" stories and thought that is exactly what was going to happen to us, and boy was I wrong. I told them I wanted them to understand that it is hard and things don't always go the way you expect them to go. Sorry for rambling, just wanted to say thank you for being honest!!

Rachel said...

I agree. I think it's insane, honestly, for anyone to announce names and due dates of babies that ARE NOT THEIRS. You just never know when you'll become a mom through adoption---but don't "count your chickens before their hatched."