Being 10 months old is hard work....

...because there is so much to do!  Right now my biggest job is to make sure that nothing in the house is where it is supposed to be.   When I'm not digging in the plants I like to clear off tables and shelves.  If I find anything on a table within my reach it is tossed on the floor.  I really consider it an obsession.  I'm not satisfied until everything on the table is around my feet and everyone is scrambling to make sure I don't pull their drinks off.  It's quite fun to see three people jump around like they have ants in their pants.  But it is hard work!  A girl gets hungry with all that destruction.  I had to learn to multi-task....

Battle

We are currently having a battle of wills in our house.  Camryn wants to play in the dirt....we want the dirt to stay with the plants.  Since she doesn't know the concept of No yet we've been doing a lot of dirt sweeping.  She is so fast that you can move her to another room and she's back and in the plant before you can get the broom back in the closet.  Last night Jay decided to work on teaching her no with some light hand smacking.  She smiled the first couple of times, but then we thought he finally got the point across to her...until 10 minutes later and she was back in it.  As soon as it warms up these plants are going outside.  It's hard enough keeping the kitchen floor clean without adding in intentional dirt.

Easter

If I had to pick my favorite holiday it would be Easter.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas (the decorations are my favorite), but I really love Easter.  As I’ve gotten older and have realized more and more what Easter represents for us it gets better and better every year.  Because of Easter we have Salvation…even though we don’t deserve it. 

I also have a lot of great Easter memories.  Some of my fondest are having a Fowler dinner after church.  We usually went to Aunt Helen and Uncle Laverne’s, but a few times we had it at our house.  I remember hiding eggs for the younger kids in Helen’s front yard.  I’m sure my memory is faulty and I’m only remembering the good times, but I mostly think those Easter’s were warm and sunny….Poor Cade has had more egg hunts in the cold and rain!  But Easter has always signaled the start (hopefully) of warmer weather and sandals!  And I’d be lying if I didn’t say I enjoyed getting a new Easter dress.  Usually the shopping trips included my mom, sister and Grandma.  At the time I know we would all get frustrated with each other, because they were usually marathon days, but I wish I could go on one of those trips just one more time.  I ordered Camryn’s Easter dress online and it wasn’t quite the same….

I also have some not so good memories of Easter.  Easter was the first holiday we had to survive after our first adoption loss.  After we were matched in 2010 one of my first thoughts was I could finally buy another Easter outfit.  When Easter came and we didn’t have a baby it was hard.  I look back at those pictures and I looked and felt miserable.  It was a really hard day.

Then 2011 came around and it was a much better Easter.  We were trying to take lots of pictures that weekend for our new profile books.  I felt happy because I just knew our baby was getting close.  It’s weird to think about that because I just had a feeling, but it was hard not to get discouraged because we had so many no’s during that time period.  But I thought this new profile was the answer….So we staged a ton of pictures! 

Here we were Easter Sunday 2011….April 24.  Can you believe that in 5 weeks and 5 days our lives were about to be forever changed?

Here is a picture of Cade’s 2011 Easter “outfit”….

 Here is his 2011 Easter basket

How things changed by Easter 2012.....

The Easter baskets....

The Easter outfits

I guess for me Easter will always remind me in more ways than one that God works miracles even when we don’t deserve them.  I can’t thank Him enough for these two blessings! 

Losing things...

...or maybe it's my mind I'm losing.  It's hard to say.  At this point I feel it could go either way....

It started Tuesday night.  I got out our Pampered Chef can opener (which is a bit tricky to use anyway) and I started at it for a moment.  For the life of me I could not remember how to use it.  I think it was because my brain was shooting around all day and I had a hard time stopping one thought so I could concentrate on the task at hand (at least that's what I'm telling myself).  Finally after a few seconds of staring at it I remembered.  It reminded me of what I've heard about how to tell if it's Alzheimer's or just regular forgetfulness....Everyone misplaces their keys at times...but when you find your keys and you don't know what to do with them is the difference.  I'm not exactly sure how my problem fits in there...the can opener was exactly where it was supposed to be....it was the using of it I had the problem with.  But I did remember....eventually....

Then Tuesday night I set my alarm clock on my phone like normal.  When I woke up Wednesday morning I discovered that my phone had gone dead during the night (thanks to Cade).  I remember being in bed, reaching for the phone and seeing the black screen.  I have no idea what happened to my phone after that.  We've taken the sheets and quilt off the bed, we've looked under and behind it.  The phone is gone.  I've even vacuumed my car looking for it.  No luck.  In a last ditch effort to find it I even called the library to see if I had put it in the book drop when I dropped off some books yesterday morning.  No luck.  I was kind of 50/50 on that one....I was sort of hoping they did have the phone, but then I was relieved to find out that I didn't actually stick my phone in the book slot....Tonight I have plans to clean the house.  I'm wondering if Camryn has horded it away somewhere.....I really don't have a clue. *** as a side note here because it cracked me up...I went to Springfield to get groceries last night.  Jay let me take his phone and he stayed home with the kids.  When I got home I asked if he happened to find my phone.  He said he really hadn't had much time to look because he had been under the "Tyrannical Rule of Camryn" for most of the evening.  She is pretty hard on her dad when I'm not home in the evenings. 

While at lunch I vacuumed out the car and then I went through the car wash.  While I was waiting on it to be done I decided that would be a great time to clean out my wallet.  It was looking like it had been ransacked. Again.  While doing that I saw my library card.  On the way out of the car wash I threw the trash away and felt somewhat pleased with myself and put together.  My wallet and my purse no longer had 50 million receipts with pieces of gum that had fallen out of the wrapper stuck to them.  I ran to the library to check out a book for this weekend.  While I was in line I discovered I didn't have my library card.  I sat down behind a lady using a computer to search through my purse and wallet.  I'm sure I got on her nerves.  In the silence of the library there was me taking every card out of the slot in my wallet and searching through them.  You know that sound.....I never did find my card.  I'm wondering if I threw it away at the car wash.  For about 10 seconds I seriously entertained the idea of going back to see if I had.  But then I remembered I am in slacks and heels and the car wash is right on the main Mt Vernon street.  I really didn't want anyone to see me with my head in the trash can at the only car wash in town.  A person has to have some limits.  Besides, I scared the Mt Vernon residents enough vacuuming with pants that kept creeping down and a shirt that kept creeping up....

 I need a vacation - I'm so glad I took off Friday and Monday.  We are going to spend the weekend together, which we have not done since the end of January.  I think my brain is maxed out.  All I can think is if I'm this crazy with my personal stuff what have I done at work....thank goodness I only deal with loan applications and not something more important.  Like a doctor or a nurse!  I might have forgotten how to use a stethoscope...in front of a patient!

Almost chicken time. Again.

A few seconds ago I got an email reminder about some 4-H stuff….Trash Pick Up is Sunday the 15^th.  Also, I noticed that Jay Shepherd is holding a poultry meeting at 6:30 before the regular 4-H meeting on the 17^th.  I wondered why in the world he would’ve scheduled such a thing the night before he leaves for State Convention.  Then I realized that it is April.  We will have baby chicks coming to live with us in a few days.  Looking at the calendar they sure better be waiting until after April 21^st.  Surely they will….Jay wouldn’t trust me to be left alone with them while he is in Columbia…..  Here we go again.  That crazy look he gets will come back.  I’ll see credit card charges to poultry companies in Arkansas.  There will be several phone calls a night to his dad.  I’ll be asked to turn off the heat lamps at lunch….while wearing a dress.  Yes, it is April isn’t it. 

March 31st

We have finally reached the last day of one of our busiest months out of the whole year.  I think this is the 13th March that Jay and I have survived.   That should leave us about (as long as Jay continues to teach) 17 more to get through.  At least that what Jay thinks.  The only problem with his plan is if we've done the math right he can retire after Camryn's Junior year.  I keep telling him he will need to teach one more year to get her out of high school but he is resisting.  But a lot can change in between that time.  I'm pretty certain that if Camryn is into FFA Jay will want to be her advisor and not leave her to some first year rookie. 

I got roped into helping with the District contest today.  I'm afraid I'm going to get the same call from Jim every year from now on.  I really don't mind doing it, but today was a long day!  Normally I only look at resumes for the Job Interview contest.  Today I had to be the one to conduct the mock interviews.  I asked the questions and three judges were in the room listening to it.  I was a little nervous doing this because I was never in FFA.  I don't have a clue about how the contests are supposed to go.  It also doesn't help that I hear the complaints about different judges from Jay every year.  One year an interviewer asked the kids to tell a joke.  When Jay told me that he was so mad his face got red.  These teachers take these contests extremely seriously.  I did not want to be the interviewer that every teacher in the Southwest district was cussing tonight. 

I think it went pretty well.  I was very impressed with the 12 kids I interviewed.  There was one though that didn't want to elaborate on his answers.  Fifteen minutes is a heck of a long time to fill with questions when the kid is giving you one or two word answers.  I had asked every one of my standard questions, we talked about everything he's done related to FFA, and I had asked everything humanly possible from what was on his resume.  I was afraid I was going to have to ask his favorite underwear brand.  It was painful.  I was exhausted by the time we were done with those 12 kids.

Then Jim threw in something else that was not discussed on our previous phone call.  He needed us all to stay and judge the Extemp contest.  I reluctantly agreed.  Ok, I admire all the kids who did it because it is a hard contest and they all did very good...but it was boring.  If I heard about animal rights activist and HSUS once I heard about it 10 times.  We had all been in the same room since 8 am....it was hot and I was starting to get sleepy.  But I had to pay attention because after their 4-6 minute speech the judges had to ask 5 minutes worth of questions.  Poke my eyes out.  I left the house at 6:30 am today and I did not leave MSU until 4:00pm.  The only time I even saw Jay today was when I got a glance at him outside the open door smirking as he waved goodbye to me.  He didn't have a kid in that contest so he was heading home.  Then after we picked the winner it got worse....the kids came back in the room when the winners were announced.  The kids advancing to state went around and asked the judges for pointers.  Good grief....I was trying to decide why they painted the walls in the conference room two different shades of yellow that were clearly not from the same palette.  I had to tell these kids how they could improve???  One teacher followed his kid around making notes.

I will admit that every year I get something during March...not sure what to call it...resentful is a little harsh, but I do get weary of feeling like I'm fighting a bunch of kids for a sliver of Jay's attention.  But then when I sit through these things I understand why he does it.  Pretty much all of the kids interviewed very well, but some of their resumes were awful.  One poor girl meant to use stock but had stalk on it instead.  It made me so mad at their teachers.  I know that when Jay has kids with resumes we go over and over them.  I don't think some of those teachers even looked at the kids resumes.  How awful for those kids.  Then another girl had some hair in her eyes that she kept messing with.  When I told Jay he was irritated at that girls particular teacher because he should've known to tell the girl to pull her hair back.  Jay said he always tells his girls to keep their hair out of their face.  I am glad that I've had the opportunity to help with the contests the last three years.  It reminds me how hard Jay and Lyle work to make sure their kids don't look like those kids.  They really care about how their kids do and they want to give them every opportunity to succeed.  They are great teachers and it makes me proud.

 But I really only needed the Job Interview contest to remind me of that.  Extempt was a bit of an overkill.....

But I am thankful that today was definitely the beginning of the end!  The rest of districts are Monday and Tuesday and then State Convention starts on April 19th I believe.  But like always this time of year I tell myself it will get less crazy after such and such.  But after convention is the banquet then school's out then it's county fair time, etc.  Ahhh, the life of an Ag Teacher.  It never stops.

March 29th

It is 2:30 am and I'm having one of those moments were I'm scared and frozen to the chair in our family room.  I woke up sometime during the night and was just laying in bed.  Then I heard a noise outside so I got up to see if something was going on.  Now I'm sitting in the family room and the windows are open.  I heard something walk through the dried leaves in our backyard (don't judge us we live in a wooded lot).  I tried to tell myself it was just Charlie.  Then a few seconds later Charlie started barking on our deck right behind me.  I think my heat is finally beating again.  Still not sure what walked across our yard because if it was Charlie I would've heard him walk up the deck steps.  Jay is snoring away oblivious to the fact I'm in here having a chest pains.  Since I'm frozen in the chair I'll blog about what we did tonight...

We spoke in Springfield on an adoption panel for Bethany at an Explore Adoption night.  I'm not going to lie, I felt sorry for those people sitting in the chairs in front of us.  I'm also glad that we aren't where they are at.  I feel like we did our time in the trenches, but I also felt a little guilty.  Infertility stinks and I think it's natural for most women to feel guilty when they "cross over".   I think Jamie told me there were 23 couples.  Some looked like they were on information overload.  I remember feeling that way.  There was one lady who kept wiping her eyes.  She had that look of being totally wiped out and hearing that we waited for so long probably didn't help.  I was glad to be there to offer our story and some insights we learned, but it's hard knowing what most of those couples have been through to get to this point. 

For most couples they've already been through the wringer before they even attend one of those informational meetings.  It's not that they are resigned to adoption, or look at it as second best, but it's just natural for most couple to try for biological kids first.  Then when it doesn't happen that way it is natural to start out with mild treatments and tests...until one day you wake up and realize you've spent thousands of dollars, have had dozens of people "up in your business" and you still don't have a baby.  You are emotionally, physically and financially exhausted.  Then you realize that it's not carrying a child that is important, but being a parent so you start checking out agencies.  Then you go to a meeting like we were at last night and you hear terms like Domestic, International, TPR, Birthmother/Birthfather, Open, Closed, etc.  Then three happy families plop down in front of you (1 international and 2 domestic) and we tell you some of our stories.  Then you sit there with that Deer in the Headlights look and wonder if you'll ever get to the point of where those families in front are. 

I was a little surprised when they asked us to talk.  Not that we don't have a lot of insight, but I don't consider us the poster children for adoption.  I'm pretty impressed that Bethany had us there...not that anything that ever happened to us was the fault of Bethany, but when you tell people about our failed matches and how long we waited it probably doesn't reflect that good on the agency.  But what we went through is real life, so I'm glad we got to show that piece.  In fact the other domestic couple also had a disrupted adoption a year before they finally got their son.  It was definitely not all roses and unicorns last night and I appreciated that.  But on the other hand I hope it wasn't information overload for people who barely understand the different adoption terms.

Of course, like you always do, I came away wishing I had said more or worded things differently.  I was talking to a lady afterwards and she expressed how they hoped for a closed adoption.  We told the group that Camryn's adoption was closed, but I wish I had expanded on that a little more.  When we sat in that same seat all those years ago we thought the same thing about open vs closed because we didn't know what we know now.  I expressed to her that open adoption is not to be feared.  I told her how much I believe it is important for the children to have full disclosure - they need to know all of it (good and bad).  I really hate that we don't have that for Camryn.  I wish I could shoot her birthfamily an email when little questions pop in my head.  Right now I'd really like to know if there is a history of extremely picky eaters on either of their sides.  I also know that as Camryn gets older she will have questions.  The other couple was talking about how their 5 year old now has questions that they email her birhtmom.  I think that is great.  And it is one thing I really regret that Camryn won't have.  But like Donna said in the meeting last night your child will react to their situation how you react to it.  I'm not going to build it up to Camryn that it is a horrible thing that she doesn't have contact.  It's just the way it is.  God's plan is always better than our feeble attempts and her story is what it is.  Good and bad.  It all makes Camryn who she is. 

I also enjoyed meeting the other domestic family last night.  They were on the waiting list at the same time we were (sometimes I think half of the state was on the list at the same time we were).  We got to the meeting first and when they walked up they introduced themselves right off because they knew who we were.  Apparently we are legendary.  She said something about looking at our picture for the longest time so she knew who we were.  As much as I stared at the website over the years I have a hard time recognizing families from it.  It took me a minute but I finally realized which family they were.  They were super nice and very friendly.  We got to know each other a bit out in the hallway waiting for our turn.  She was a little more of a go-getter than I am so she knew a lot more about different situations and what baby ended up with which parents.  Jamie had told me there was another family she was doing post-placement visits with at the same time she was doing ours and they had commented on seeing us off of the website.  I'm sure it was this family.  We talked about when Jamie first started and how nice it was to have someone full time in this area.  I did tell her about how I was afraid Jamie thought I was crazy because our 4th homestudy visit(first time I met her) was the one where I sniffled through the whole thing (2010 was a rough year).  This lady said "yeah Jamie never said anything about that but when we did our first update we asked if she had done more than one update for any families and she told us there was one that she had done their 4th".  Yes, we are legendary. 

I know this is long but I can't leave without telling you Cade's perspective on tonight - Earlier in the week Jay and I were verbally going over our week.  Jay said something about the adoption thing Thursday night.  Cade was playing the Wii and I didn't think he was paying attention but when he heard adoption his snapped up.  With panic in his eyes he said "what adoption thing".  I quickly assured him we weren't adopting again.  He was relieved.  We asked him what he would tell a group thinking about adopting and he said "they better get used to crying because not every adoption will happen".  Honestly, the 10 year old probably got it better than any adult in that room last night.  It is hard, it is stinky, but it was so worth it in the end. 

I've jokingly said that I hope this didn't damage him too much!  But actually I hope this taught him some good life lessons.  I know that he doesn't quite understand everything that happened now, but as he gets older I hope he appreciates his experience.  I hope it teaches him to never ever give up on something just because it is hard.  I hope he learned that you never do something unless you feel that God is clearly telling you to...even when it doesn't make sense to everyone else around you.  I can't tell you the number of times people would ask why we didn't change agencies and we didn't have an answer except for "we don't feel that's what God wants us to do yet".   I hope that by going through this with us he will see how God worked in our lives every day even when we felt we were totally alone.  God answered Cade's nightly prayer in His own way and His own time.