Stress!!!

Any more when I see an email from either of our adoption agencies in my inbox it stresses me. I will click on it hoping that it will be something good that will lead to something even better, but honestly most of the time it just stresses me out. When we first started waiting they would usually just show our profile to anyone who fit our "criteria". They would only let us know on those situations that were a little out of our perfectly neat little checkbox answers. Then we would have to say yes or no to having it shown. Now they just notify us all the time and get our permission. I would guess that stems from the fact it is really hard to answer those questions….drugs, drinking, family health history, etc. Most of our answers ended up being "would consider" on just about every one. I'm assuming most of the other families are the same way. Since each situation is so unique it is hard to have a definite yes or no answer to anything…except two particular things that scare the pants off of me. Those we say no to all the time. A person has to know their limits.

Part of me likes the new way of doing things. There is a weird little part of me that has to know everything – so I need to know if someone is looking. I also like that our agency gives us some freedom from those checkboxes and we get to decide case by case if we feel comfortable. There are some days I'd agree to be shown for about anything…then there are days one thing 3 generations back could cause me to gnaw off every fingernail. Those are the days I hate…..

When we get those emails that I have no idea if we should say yes or no it stresses me. We have anywhere from a few days to just a matter of hours to give the agency an answer. It is just so stinkin' hard sometimes. There are phone calls and texts back and forth between Jay and I….which all occur at work with kid ruckus on his end and dead silence on mine so that every word I say echoes off of the office walls. Sometimes there are quick internet searches…but mostly just a lot of "I don't knows" are said.

Then once we agree to be shown, it gets even more stressful. Especially when it is a cold call and a decision will be made immediately. Then I stress because I'm afraid I will see another email with the subject line of _______ Baby. Those are the equivalent of a Dear John letter…..thanks for being open to ________ and her baby, but she has chosen another family. Every time my phone makes a peep or the office phone rings I jump a mile. I can not concentrate on anything at work. I get sweaty and sick to my stomach. Then if it is a situation where they expect it take several weeks for a family to be picked it is pure torture. I do feel a little better because I know I've got a few days before I can start worrying about getting the "Dear Pathetic Family" email. But then I wonder if it really is any better. It just gives me more time to build up hope, when in reality we could've been the profile that got left behind at the agency because our house is brown and we have a dog (which Jay doesn't even like) and the family prefers people with yellow houses and cats. Times like those I wish they'd just email me and say Sorry, but you didn't even make it to the Top 10…actually you were at the very bottom. So those are times I wish I had no idea when our profile was being shown.

In the last few years the agency has also started sending out monthly updates. It gives us an idea how many expectant families they are working with. At times those are good because it gives us an idea of what is going on, but at other times it can be hard. It is depressing to get it in October and see the closest due date is June. At the time I think "man if we don't have a placement by June I will loose my mind". A lot of "June's" have come and gone and come and gone again since we've been waiting….I guess I still have my mind??? If anyone tells you they just love adoption or they have a "heart" for adoption or it was just the best time of their lives or whatever then they are either lying…or they endured too many "Junes" and lost their minds!

When did that darn stork quit delivering babies? Things were much simpler in those days….