Waiting…..

We still have a few more days of waiting before we know the outcome of the transfer. Rather than taking it day by day, I seem to be going from minute to minute. It's so hard not to wonder about it constantly. My emotions are so back and forth…one minute I think it could possibly have worked and the next minute I'm convinced it didn't. I don't feel that it's necessarily negative thinking, just honesty. I don't know, and I won't know until the blood test comes back. My emotions though have been all over the board…mostly crying. I'd like to take that as a good sign, but really I think it's the stress of everything, 5 ½ years of this stuff, the fact this is happening around Thanksgiving which is when I had an early miscarriage 4 years ago, wondering if I misjudged what God wanted us to do all those years ago, hanging up 3 stockings instead of the 4 I had imagined back in February, getting a shot in my rear twice a day and wondering if it will make a difference, mailing the large check to my mail away pharmacy for the Estrace they filled in a massive quantity that I may or may not need and that they didn't clear it with me before sending the medicine, etc. As you can see if I've heard, seen or thought about it, I've cried over it the last few days. I know a lot of you can feel for me, but I also know that until you go through it, it is so hard to understand. It's easy to say don't worry about it, but until you've experienced this, it is hard to know what is going through my head…even I don't know most of the time.

I also realized that I had never commented on the embryos that were transferred. Part of me wants to post their pictures and I know I need to, but it's hard for me to look at them right now. I've got them tucked away in the same place as my blood work orders. We had three embryos transferred. Our first donor had one embryo and when it thawed it didn't look as good as the clinic wanted so they thawed two from our second donor. Those were looking good at the time of transfer. I don't remember what their grades were but they were on the higher end. After the procedure the doctor told Jay that everything went great and that they embryos were better than they embryos we used last time. His words were "there is reason to be optimistic". That kept me going for a few days, but a week past transfer it's getting harder to remember that. I just don't know, and sometimes the best embryos don't work and the ones you'd think would never make it do. It's all a God thing. I have been thinking of these verses in Psalms over and over this week… Especially verse 16. God knew the days of the embryos long before they were created. He knows where they are at now, and I'm just trying to find comfort in that while we wait to find out if that will be here on earth or in heaven.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.