Update on the Transfer

I had my final ultrasound yesterday and everything turned out good. Jay gave me my first shot of progesterone this morning. It really hurt for some reason. He thinks maybe he got it in a little higher on the not as fatty part. I don't get another one until tomorrow so hopefully he can get it a little lower and it won't hurt as bad? You have to be careful though and not move it down too low….when we were in Tennessee the last time the nurse warned us about going too low for those shots. You run the risk of jabbing the sciatic nerve. The thought of that happening gives us both the willies so we definitely want to avoid going too low. Other than that, and the fact that I cried because I kept wondering why in the world we are doing this again, everything is going ok. I think I'm experiencing the equivalent of pre-wedding jitters or "cold feet". Kind of like when you get strapped into a roller coaster or another scary ride and it's too late to get off. You wonder why in the world am I doing this to myself???

The trip to Olathe yesterday seemed to be a trek for both of us. I guess maybe my age is starting to show, but it felt like a 10 day excursion. I used to not mind going places, but the older I get the more I prefer to be at home. Probably if we were going to do something fun it might have been a better drive. We drove three hours, had a 15 minute appointment, ate at Cracker Barrel (same one we've ate at every time Jay has gone with me) and drove the three hours home. It was not an exciting trip. All I could think while we were eating was WE HAVE TO DRIVE THIS WAY AGAIN ON SUNDAY. Jay's response was "yeah, but we have to go farther on Sunday than we did today". He is such an encourager! It made us even more thankful for the fact we get to fly this time.

Also, is the time change bothering anyone else or is it just me? I'm really having a hard time adjusting to it this time. I'm tired early in the evening, but I wake up at 3:30 am and can't go back to sleep, my stomach is growling at 10 am. Really, is it necessary to do this to us every year? Again, maybe I'm getting older and my body is resisting change more, but this has been rough. I still haven't set the clock in my car which had Jay really messed up yesterday. I haven't had the time to jack with it because it takes me forever to figure out what sequence of buttons to push. It also doesn't keep up with my cell phone clock. I'll set it but somewhere it will loose about 3 minutes. You have to remember to subtract an hour but then add three minutes back. That made for some interesting moments yesterday when we were trying to make it back by 3:10pm to get Cade from school.

So the plan is to drive to KC Sunday morning and fly to Nashville sometime around 1 that afternoon. We will then rent a car and drive three hours to Knoxville. Our transfer is at 11:45 pm Eastern time on Monday. We fly home sometime Tuesday afternoon. Also this weekend Miller has a playoff game at home at 1:30 pm and the FFA has the concession stand and there is a home Razorback game. Not sure how Jay is going to get all of that done.

Honestly I don't have any thoughts one way or another about this transfer. I think I'm somewhat numb or in a stupor or something. Of course I want it to work, but I know we will be ok if it doesn't. I really don't know what to expect, I don't have any gut feelings one way or the other….I think I'm neutral. That of course could also be the adoption fatigue talking. I guess we will find out for sure in a couple of weeks.

Thanks for all your prayers during all of this crazy stuff – it has definitely been an adventure. Sometimes I wonder what our lives would've looked like if we had a baby back when we first started trying. What would it be like to have a 4 year old now? I can't even picture it and I would've missed out on some good friendships and some good conversations I've had with people. I probably wouldn't even have this blog. I think Jay and I have grown in a lot of different ways over the years. I can definitely see the benefits of this long wait in many different areas of our lives. I guess we will see what happens in a couple of weeks and where God takes us from here. There is a part of me that feels like I am done with this adoption stuff. That part seems to grow bigger every day. We obviously aren't going to quit right now, but I feel that I'm pulling back somewhat. I don't feel like I'm as consumed by the whole process as I once was. I don't wonder every day if Aimee is going to send out a potential situation. I don't hope that every phone call is "the" phone call. I don't know if I'm just tired of it or is this maybe what surrendering feels like?