On the Road Again...or...Back in the Saddle...Whatever you want to call it...

When I was thinking about a title at first On the Road Again popped into my head, then I remembered it was actually a Willie Nelson song so then his voice singing that line popped in my head.  Trying to get rid of the noise of Willie I thought of another title Back in the Saddle which then I remembered that was an Aerosmith song.  So of course now I can hear them singing that song in my head.  As much as I like Aerosmith my head hurts today and I really don't feel like having Steven Tyler echoing in my head either today.....so call this post what you want.....maybe crazy on Lupron would be appropriate.

I gave myself my first shot last night.  Last time Jay gave me all but about two of the Lupron shots.  I could do them, but since I'm doing all of the hormonal work he might as well do all the physical work.  I'd lay on the bed while he got the needle and all the equipment together.  Then he'd have to dispose of the needle into the sharps container and all the other trash.  Not that it's a big deal, just one of those little things that get irritating after so many days.  But last night I decided to do it.  He was in the shower and I was ready to get the shot over with so I could sit on the couch and watch the TV shows I had DVR'd earlier in the evening.  Also, Jay is going to be gone several nights next week so I wanted to make sure I could do it again.  I talked everything through with Jay through the shower and got the needle ready.  Then I dropped the bottle of Lupron.  It hit the counter and made the most awful noise.  I quickly inspected it for cracks and saw none so I finished the injection.  Then I looked closer at the bottle and it seemed really empty.  Then I couldn't remember how full it had been to start with.  Was there a slow leak? Did me dropping it force the liquid to shoot out? If it had leaked out where was all of it now? I couldn't find a wet spot on the counter,  Had I given myself too much?, Why did the bottle seem so not full? Why did I not just let Jay give it to me and then none of this would've happend?  What ever will I do?  Is there enough left to get me through the weekend? Stupid mail away pharmacies it would be Tuesday before I could get more....

AHHHH!!! I hate the pressure that fertility treatments puts on people.  I'm sure I'm not the only one either that does this.  You have so much invested in each cycle - time, emotion, money -  that you don't want to screw anything up and you're afraid that everything you do will screw up something.  You expect the worst with every twinge, every dropped bottle, or like the fact there was a stupid freezer bag in with the medicine this time.  They didn't do that last time.  Why did they do it this time.  The medication says to not freeze...if you put a frozen bag up against a tiny bottle of medication what are the chances that it's going to get colder than it needs to be.  Seriously, who runs that stupid mail away pharmacy anyway? 

I've repeated to myself a million times today....I'm not in control, there is nothing I can do to change the outcome, I can only do the best that I can and the rest is out of my control, God is the one who is in complete control and I need to let Him do His job instead of micro-managing it.  Easier said than done, but I'm trying. 

So with that we begin our 2nd (and most likely/hopefully) last trip to the NEDC.  I'm sure there will be other posts similar to this in the coming days.  I am on Lupron afterall.....

As for the bottle of Lupron, I put it in a Tupperware container last night.  I figured that if there was a leak it would leak into the Tupperware and I could suck it out from there with the needle if need be.  Thankfully this morning it appeared to be in the same shape it was last night.  Hopefully I will not be sucking Lupron out of a plastic bowl with a tiny needle over the weekend.  Not sure that any healthcare professional would recommend that method...