Home Visit and BC Pills

This afternoon is our home study visit. Our previous case worker left Bethany shortly after last years update so we will be meeting a new person today. Three years ago I was extremely nervous about having someone in my home inspecting it and every detail of our life. This year I really could care less. My house is clean, but it's not spotless. I'm not thinking about every question they might ask and how I will respond. At this point I really don't care what happens. I'm not worried about it because not much has changed since last year – why would there be a problem? But on the other hand if we weren't to pass would it really bother me? At least then we would have some sort of closure to this mess. I guess I'm out of sorts right now….

I've had countless other women tell me that being on BC Pills made them crazy. I tried the pill shortly before we got married and it made me so sick I quit after one month. I was really nervous about starting the pill before the first transfer because I had no idea how I would respond. Luckily I felt pretty good….actually maybe even a little better than that. For the first time in awhile I felt somewhat balanced. Looking back I wonder if part of why I felt better was because of hope. We were doing something different, something that we had not tried before. This round, so far, has not been that great. I think I'm joining the ranks of the other women who felt like they were losing their minds while on the pill.

Last night Cade had grandparents night at school. It was about 9 pm before we got home and I had to face a dirty house. I had a schedule worked out in my mind on how I would get it all done, but I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do any of it. I think I could've let her in the house today with stuff everywhere and not cared. At all. I was walking around crying because I didn't want to do it – any of it…clean, talk to someone new, continue dealing with adoption, going back to Knoxville. If someone had handed me a million dollars last night I'm not sure it would've made me happy! I was somewhat of a mess. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who recognizes when I'm about to go over the edge. Last night at 10pm we were both down on our hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor together. We got it done. The only thing left to clean is one bathroom and I'm going to tackle that at lunch.

I guess the house will be ready for her visit, at least the surface dirt is gone. As long as she doesn't open any closet doors we will be fine! Am I mentally ready for her visit? I'm not sure. It's not that I'm worried or nervous about this visit – I'm just worn down….and a little crazy feeling. The homestudy visit it just another one of those unwelcome milestones we keep reaching – another year has gone by. Will this be the last visit? Will we renew next year if nothing happens in 2011? I feel like there are a lot of questions on the horizon that we may have to deal with in the next year….or maybe that feeling is just coming from the BC pills?

They are really making me crazy…..We had The Icebox at an event Saturday and when customers would come up and say "can I have a Strawberry" I had the urge to scream "No you can't because I don't want to make it". Work isn't much better. If I see a customer pull up I want to run and hide and heaven forbid if they need me to actually do something. I hope my face stays neutral because I'm usually fighting back to the urge to hit them with their file. It doesn't help that I've dealt with a lot of people who don't know what they want. I want to tell them they seem to be speaking a foreign language because I can't understand a thing they are trying to say to me. How many more days until I get off of these things? But then I'll be on the Lupron …..it may only get worse. I just hope somewhere along the way I can regain my sanity and my patience, because they seem to have disappeared.