The Results

We got our blood test results about thirty minutes ago. Unfortunately it was not the results we wanted. The test was negative.

We are extremely disappointed but are doing ok. We plan to try again in September. I am not giving up on this adoption stuff until I can post on here that we have a baby...one way or another.

Thanks for all your prayers.


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Transfer Details

We arrived at the NEDC at 9am on Wednesday, July 21.  We were promptly taken back to the waiting/recovery area.  It reminded me somewhat of an emergency room...beds in little areas surrounded by curtains.  I think there were four of these areas lined up along one wall.  Dr Keenen's wife was the nurse getting us settled and taking care of us after the transfer.  She was the nicest lady and had the perfect personality for the job.  She only works at the clinic during transfer weeks which happen every other month.  She told us her name about 5 times, but I can't remember it for sure.  I want to say it was Sheila???  I had to take two advil, one albuteral and 1-2 valium's before the appointment.  I opted for 2  so I was a little out of it.  That's probably why I can't remember her name.  She said things were moving quickly so it would be no time before I was back there.

Before I knew it Dr. Keenen and Carol (the embryologist) were in our curtain telling us a little about the procedure and how the embryos looked.  They gave us a picture of them. 

The top left embryo was our highest grade.  It was a 5AB.  The one on the right was the lowest grade.  The chances of it making it are very slim.  The bottom embryo was only graded at a 3BB.  Carol was sure the reason why it wasn't as expanded as the first one was because it hadn't been thawed as long so it hadn't had time to expand.  She assured me that it would expand more once it was inside.  You have to trust what they are saying but I will admit I was somewhat disappointed in the grading of the embryos.  I had really hoped that they would be higher, but I know it doesn't matter.  If it is God's plan for them to survive and grow it won't matter what they were graded. 

After that I was led to the transfer room and Jay went to pay the storage/transfer costs and wait in the waiting room.  Yes, he had the easiest part of the day!  As far as I know the transfer was pretty textbook.  There didn't seem to be any anxious moments or anything.  As far as pain goes it wasn't bad.  There was one moment that was a little rough but I survived it.  During the acutal transfer part though they had to hold the ultrasound thing down on my stomach so hard I thought my bladder was going to burst.  I think that may have taken some of my focus of of any pain I might have been feeling.  Once The embryos were injected and Carol checked the syringe to make sure none of the embryos were left behind, I was wheeled back to the curtained area.  I stayed there practically upside down for the next hour.

I got another picture of the embryos being injected.  It's the flash with the red circle around it.  The big black blob is my overly full bladder.

One hour later we were on the road to grab some lunch and head back to the hotel.  I slept hard the rest of the afternoon.

That pretty much sums up the whole experience. Now we just wait until Friday to find out if any of them have decided to hang around.  One thing that I do find neat about this is that we had to use three different donors.  That's just the way it worked out when we were picking the embryos.  It wasn't an issue to us because none of them were genetically related to us so why would it matter if the babies were genetically related?  So there is a chance that we could have twins that aren't genetically related.  Kind of a weird concept.  But the neat part is we know which embryo came from which donor.  If a baby is born we will have to do a DNA test to know which couple it came from so we'll know which medical history is theirs.  Someday we will be able to point to a specific embryo and say "that was you".  I've thought that a lot over the last few days but actually typing it brought tears to my eyes.  I just think that is so amazing and I just pray that someday we will get that opportunity....this was you and God matched us together perfectly.

Trip Update

Sorry that I didn't update this while we were gone. I had big plans to, but I was just too tired to think about typing on my phone.

We left last Saturday and headed to Pigeon Forge. We had a great couple of days in the PF/Gatlinburg area. For those who have been to Branson…PF is about the same. They have a lot of the same shows, same attractions and even the same Professor Hackers mini golf. When the doctor was doing the transfer he asked about Pigeon Forge and I told him it was the same as Branson. He said "well I bet you don't have the Titanic". Yes, yes we do. Actually Branson has had it for years. I guess it was new attraction in PF for 2010. Kind of makes you wonder how authentic the stuff is in the museum if there is another on in Tennessee. Just something to ponder.

We also did some "hiking" in the Smoky's to see a waterfall. I'll post a separate story on that adventure at a later time.

On Tuesday we headed to Knoxville and Jay and I separated for a few hours. He stayed in the room and I went to the pool. As much as we love each other, we had spent a lot of one on one time together. As I walked out the door I told him not to contact me unless it was an emergency. He told me to do the same. A couple of hours later we joined back up and everything was fine. This trip was the most one on one time we've had together since before Cade was born, but we really did fine. Normally driving is what causes us to have fights and I felt like I remained pretty calm throughout the whole 28+ hour trip. We just have different definitions of what brake lights mean and what a safe following distance is.

Wednesday was the day of the big transfer. I'll also post about that separately. But I will say that the NEDC staff is wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I would rather not have to see them again in September, but they were great. Three embryos were transferred one was a good quality, one wasn't good and one was just thawing so we don't know it's full potential but it was looking good. Now we are just waiting until Friday to find out the results. It is going to be a long week.

Of course I'm analyzing every twinge, cramp, craving, etc that I'm experiencing so I'll probably drive myself crazy long before Friday. I keep reminding myself of two things on an almost hourly basis. 1. At this point most women don't even have a clue they are pregnant and 2. I'm on progesterone and estrace so either one of those are more than likely the cause of any symptoms I may feel. Most pregnancy symptoms don't start until 4-6 weeks.

After resting almost a full 24 hours after the transfer we headed home and broke the drive into two days. We did stop in Nashville for a couple of hours Thursday. We ate spaghetti and then walked a couple of blocks to the Ryman. I wish I had felt better because there were several things I would've like to have done in Nashville. We'll just have to plan a non-fertility related trip in the future.

We got home Friday and headed directly the Jay's parents to pick up Cade. We missed him a whole lot while we were gone. Judging by the way he sat in my lap yesterday, I think he missed us too. There is just nothing like coming home after a trip.

Doing Much Better...

I'm doing much, much better today than I was Wednesday.  I think part of it is the crazy hormones.  I did find out yesterday that everything seems to still be moving right along.  Tomorrow morning I get to start the Progestrone in Oil (PIO) shots.  Thankfully, we have a nurse friend who is going to instruct Jay in the art of giving an intramuscular shot.  It is Janella, who is our cake maker.  She is the one who made our wedding cake and all 8 of Cade's birthday cakes.  Now she will have the honor of giving me my first  PIO shot.  (don't worry, I won't link back to a post with pictures of my bruised behind one of these days) 

I've stumbled onto some blogs from 3 other people who will be going through the same thing, at the same time, in the same place.  I can tell by reading their blogs that we are in a totally different place than they are with this situation.  I'm going along on a need to know basis.  If they don't tell me right out or it's not on my protocal I don't know it and I probably haven't even thought about it.  I'm trying to take this one step at a time...1 to keep my sanity because looking at the whole thing is overwhelming and 2 to keep myself from being totally emotionally invested in this.  I've learned over the years to keep some emotional distance from all fertility related things.  I did have that lapse in February and now have a closet full of things to show for it.  I'm trying not to do that again.

But I did learn one thing today...someone adopting embryos in the same stage as ours (but is having them transferred on Tuesday) said that they will start thawing the embryos this weekend.  Hopefully the first two of ours they thaw will be the ones. 

Our plans are to leave tomorrow afternoon.  That is if we can get all of the laudry done, the house cleaned, the livestock moved and The Icebox brought back home.  We are going to spend sometime in Pigeon Forge and the Smoky (don't know how to spell that I've seen it about 3 different ways in my internet searches) Mountains.  We thought a couple of days of relaxation would be good for us me.  I tend to tense up like tightly wound spring when I travel.  Probably a few days of not traveling (ie: being in a car that Jay is driving) will be good for me.  Sorry Jay, but I still remember the cone incident from last summer.  I'm sure Lyle and Jania haven't forgotten it either. And yes, it really was that close...

I'll update as we go along next week.  Thanks for the all the prayers and comments over the last few months.  We appreciate it. 

Some Anxiety

I'm freaking out a little bit today. I'm scared that my body is not cooperating and tomorrow my ultrasound is not going to go well. I'm terrified that I've made it this far but tomorrow it's all going to end. I've read and re- read and then read again the protocol sheet that the clinic sent me. I've counted my days again to make sure I stopped the Lupron on the right day. I've quadruple checked the Estrace dosage I've been taking.

I already have a tendency to be OCD and then when you add on the stress, medication and hormones you can imagine what it's doing to me. One minute I feel ok that tomorrow will turn out fine then 30 seconds later I'm convinced it will be over. Then I looked ahead to the blood test date. If I do make it through tomorrow how will I handle that day. Then that makes me even more nervous. Then I think why did I agree to do this? Why did I willingly bring all of these pregnancy/infertility feelings back to the surface when I had managed to bury them quite nicely years ago. WHY WHY WHY?? Deep breath, deep breath….

Then we got an e-mail about having our profile shown in a situation for a baby due this fall. What do we do??? Do we show it? Not show it? It would be an at risk placement which means it's a 60 day wait and see period. Normally that never bothers me, I just automatically send a response back to show us. Today the thought of 60 days scares me. 60 DAYS!!! That's a long time to not know what's going to happen. But of course we'd have to be picked first for it to even matter.

I guess this is all coming down to the fact that I want another baby but I'm so terrified of putting my heart out there again for it. And there's probably some medication playing into these feelings too. I'll be glad when tomorrow is over!

Skyler

Skyler Sanders passed away yesterday afternoon.  Please keep his parents, Ryan and Melissa, and his sister Macy in your prayers.  He was a sweet boy who will be greatly missed.

Baseball

Since The Icebox was closed last night I had some time to download some videos.  I also attempted to put a few on the blog.  Here are a couple from baseball.  The first one is Cade running from 1st to 3rd base.  The last one shows him doing a good bellyflop at home.  I gave up keeping my car clean during baseball.  All of that red dirt from his unifrom kept getting on my black seats.

Happy Father's Day

These were the only videos I took on Father's Day.  It shows that a boy is never too young or too old to enjoy a good armpit fart.  That's my dad's voice you can hear in the background.  It's also a good sample of what Cade and Avery are like together.  They fight like they are siblings. 

And I Forgot To Say…

I needed to add this to the last post.

Jay has been in charge of giving me my Lupron shots. Last night we realized we were out of needles. I lost my mind for a moment. It wasn't a mad lost my mind, it was a crazy lost my mind feeling. I was frantically searching through our bedroom hoping that one escaped somewhere. I bet I looked in the box a million times. I was blaming Caremark, because a person's mail away pharmacy that their insurance requires them to use is always at fault for any type of medication mess up. I kept asking over and over "What are we going to do, really What are we going to do? Can a person just walk into a pharmacy and purchase more needles. WHAT DID WE NEED TO DO? Jay was trying to be the rational one and tell me it will be ok. He'd take care of the needle situation on Friday. I kept saying "yeah, but can you just walk into a pharmacy and buy needles". It was a mess. He said he was going to take in the bottle of Lupron and he's would beg the owner if he had to.

We were desperate so we pulled a needle out that had already been used and boiled it. Like Jay said I was the only one it was used on. I know that, but I worried about bacteria and what not. But the alternative was not getting the shot and risk cancelling the cycle. I went with the bacteria and used the needle. Hopefully my stomach won't rot off. Today Jay walked into our local pharmacy and purchased 10 needles for $3.27….so just FYI, the next time you have the sniffles and aches and have to sign over your firstborn child to buy some Sudafed just remember that anyone can go into a pharmacy and buy needles. I just found that to be strange. Or then again, maybe it's not just anybody, maybe it is a man dragging in his wife's Lupron prescription who's neck is bent at an odd angle so to look them in the eye he had to turn his whole body. Yeah, maybe that was it….

I really think though that the crazies are 20% medication and 80% stress, nerves, hopes, prayers, dreams, longings, etc. It's really a crazy place to be in and probably not many who haven't gone through it completely understand. Even Jay, who's always the optimist, isn't sure what we'll do after this. We are just continuing to pray every day for this cycle. I'm not sure anyone would want to be around me if I had to do this again.

The Re-Check Update

Yesterday was my re-check appointment. Thankfully everything turned out fine. I'm proceeding with the Estrace and will go back on the 15^th for another ultrasound.

Sometimes I try to find a reason why things happen, even though it's totally pointless, it's the way I'm wired. So Tuesday when I came to work I had an e-mail from our agency out of KC. Mary wanted to know if she could show our profile. We are kind of in this weird area now of what to do, but I went ahead and told her to. Since she had actually e-mailed me Monday and the timing was somewhat confused I don't know if we were even considered. Of course though when I found out about this new appointment I thought "wouldn't it be great if Mary called and this couple wanted to meet us and we could say Yes, lets do it Thursday". After all these years you'd think I would stop with that nonsense, but I still do it. In reality though this is actually how our day turned out…

Jay woke up early Thursday morning with a shooting pain going down his neck into his arm. By the time we left the house his ear was somewhere around his shoulder. He called his chiropractor a couple of times with just a step below begging in his voice. They couldn't get him in. I told him he could stay home and I would be fine. He wouldn't do it because he knew our luck would be that the lining would've tripled in size and I'd be a bawling mess stuck in Olathe by myself. So we headed out with me driving and him sleeping. We made it to the appointment and everything went pretty well. Except for one near miss in the parking lot between our G6 and a grumpy man in an SUV. I gave him the "I'm Sorry" wave but he didn't see to care. Anyway, in the ultrasound she had some trouble finding my ovaries so there were some jokes about how maybe that has been our problem all along. Finally they were located and the ultrasound tech told me she thought everything looked good. I thought it did to, but you know how you just need to know that for sure. I needed the NEDC to call me back…quickly.

After the appointment, since we are such creatures of habit, we ate at the same Cracker Barrel we ate at Sunday night. Jay was going to drive home, but I had to get us out of the traffic..since he couldn't turn his neck. We had to turn left to get back on to the highway and it was a double lane turning lane. I looked in my rearview mirror and I saw two cops on motorcycles behind me. I got one of those feelings where I knew this was not going to turn out well. When the light turned green I made my left turn but had a Lupron moment and forgot what lane I was in. I crossed over to the other lane, cutting off a car, and promptly got pulled over by a fine city of Olathe employee. Fifteen minutes and $121 dollars later we were back on the road. That was the last straw…I had a melt down once we got back on the road. Jay was laughing and patting me on the shoulder telling me we'd just sell more ice. I was crying just saying this whole thing (meaning the adoption) needed to turn out good for us..and on and on. I hate this medicine.

We made it the rest of the way home without an incident. The NEDC called and assured me everything was fine and adjusted my medicine. Jay begged the chiropractor again today and they got him in. I think he feels like a new man. But I haven't yet figured out the reason for yesterday….It wasn't like we had quality time together. He slept on the way and I was a wreck on the way home. We now not only owe for a second ultrasound, but a $121 ticket. The only thing I can figure out is that it taught me that I'm not a good driver on this Lupron, or maybe it's not the Lupron. It's probably because I've got too much on my mind. Anyway, just to be safe you might not want to ride with me until after the transfer. I had worried about Cade riding around this summer with the girls that are watching him. Not that I had any reason to worry, I was just being a mom. It turns out he's probably much safer with them then with his own mother.

If anyone needs us this weekend, we will be at The Icebox in Granby, Mo for their Old Mining Town Days…hoping to make $121 more than we had planned.