Fingerprints Never Change….

and apparently neither does my stress level this time of year.

Over the last few days I looked back at some of my posts concerning our home study and the two updates we've done since September 2007. A common theme is that my stress level goes through the roof. I try to stay calm, but it seems to become overwhelming with all the scheduling that has to take place. At least this year we didn't have to do the medical exams because that quadruples my anxiety. You have to get it all fit in around your own personal schedule and this year we've added football practice and the ice business to the mix. Plus Jay's normal schedule of teacher meetings and running the football concession stand….it makes me a bit crazy.

Last Tuesday morning (August 31) I woke up at 3 am and all I could think about was the financial paperwork I needed to fill out. Where were our statements? When was the last time I saw anything on Jay's retirement fund? What about the truck – where is our last statement on that? Have I got one recently? Why did the county change our road number? I don't think I'm getting my mail…No, I'm positive I'm not getting everything, how much should I say the ice business is worth? What about the cattle, what are they worth? Is Jay asleep? I have to remember to ask him about this tomorrow? Would he mind if I asked him now? Why have I not changed our road number on all of our bills yet? FINGERPRINTS, oh my gosh I have to schedule that appointment, Can I get online and get Jay's retirement balance? How much should I say the house is worth? What did I put down last year? I think I'll go with that same value, What about debts..have we acquired anything new? Oh crap, that stupid furniture we bought for Cade that we don't need now. Boy, I really got mad at Hanks. I will never again shop for any furniture at that place. Oh the irritation of paying for that furniture when we have a perfectly good set shoved in different closets all over this house, We have some Icebox events coming up, how can I schedule this around those dates? When will I get the house cleaned for the visit? Do we need more sugar? How many bags did we buy last time? The Icebox account – when will we get a new statement on that? Should I send Jay to the bank to get a printout so I can include that as an asset?….That line of thinking went on for two hours. Finally at 5 am I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and rummaged through every basket in the kitchen and the computer cabinet looking for the information. Luckily I found most of everything that I needed and yes, I was able to get Jay's retirement balance on the internet.

When I got to work that morning I made the fingerprint appointment and everything was going so smoothly. Then Jay tells me he has a teachers meeting that night so I had to reschedule his appointment. Still everything is good. Then Tuesday happened and I had to schedule both our appointments for Wednesday the 15^th. Then I got the e-mail from Clydene so I had to reschedule the rescheduled appointment for yesterday. I had printed off the proof that we had paid online for Jay's fingerprints because of originally rescheduling it, but didn't think about printing off mine. In the four times I've had this done I've never had a problem. Until last night…

There was a skinny boy with a ponytail working at the fingerprint place. We had a hard time finding the Springfield location so that had me stressed. Then we get in there and tell them who we are and they tell us we haven't paid. I will admit that I lost my cool at that moment and probably said a little too loudly and excitedly that "OH YES WE HAVE PAID". I dug out Jay's receipt but I didn't have mine. I told Ponytail that I had also paid. In a very patronizing voice he says "It says you have not paid, it is my job to ask if you have paid, you say you've paid but yet you only have proof that you paid for one, how do I know that you paid". At that point I turned my back on him and called the company. I was not going to listen to him any longer because he kept talking on and on in the same irritating voice. Because of us changing appointments it didn't transfer over that we had paid. It took the company awhile to find it, but finally it was all taken care of. That was a relief because I was afraid I might have a melt down right there in the Mailbox It backroom. I don't think Ponytail liked me much. I just hope he didn't hit delete after I walked out!

Jay was pretty quiet through the whole incident. I really wasn't sure whose side he was on. When we got to the car he did say he thought he was going to have to grab Ponytail by the ponytail and make him scan my prints. Luckily no one had to use physical force last night. But then Jay made a fatal error, one that it will take him quite some time to live down. He said "what were you thinking by not printing the receipt". I'd like to direct everyone's attention back to paragraph two. What am I not thinking about right now? As soon as the words were out of his mouth I'm pretty sure he regretted it. I let him know that next time he was more than welcome to fill out all the paperwork and make the appointments and did I need to remind him that he had not told me about that teachers meeting so I had to reschedule his appointment a grand total of three times. Yes, the phrase "what were you thinking" will be brought up frequently for the next few weeks.

Later that night I asked Jay if I ever look as crazy as I feel during this time of the year. He said I was close to looking deranged while getting the fingerprints done, but most of the other times I'm ok. That's good to know. I also realized that Cade was really quiet during that time. I'm not sure he sensed that his mother was about to go off the deep end or what. Jay said it was because he was reading a comic book.

I wonder what kind of repressed memories Cade has that will hit him one day as an adult. Will he remember the time I lost my mind at the fingerprint place? I just hope that when that memory does surface he'll be able to call his brother/sister and say "you know, I just remembered the last time mom and dad were fingerprinted for your adoption, mom really lost her mind that day" or "I also remember mom losing her mind at Hanks one day when they couldn't find the part to my new bed for the second time" (do you see a common theme with the times I've totally lost it?). Then I hope they are able to laugh over the crazy things I did while they were growing up and the nutty conversation that one of them had with me that morning. I have that with my sister, I so want that for Cade.

Grumpy!!!

Yesterday before leaving for work I decided to throw in a load of laundry. I hadn’t planned on running home for lunch because I needed to leave early because of the fingerprinting. I changed my mind at the last minute because our stack of laundry was overwhelming. It’s a good thing I did because when I went home I saw we had two messages. It was the fingerprinting place letting us know they were experiencing an equipment failure and needed to reschedule our appointments. That made me a little crabby because we are on somewhat of a tight time schedule with this update. When I called to reschedule they put us down for Wednesday, September 15. I then talked to Clydene at the NEDC and she said we needed to have the homestudy to them by October 8. That was going to cut it too close if we left the appointment on the 15th. I had to call the fingerprint people back again and reschedule it for this afternoon. That was really not what we wanted to do, but we didn’t really have a choice. So this afternoon we get to drive to Springfield to be fingerprinted then turn around and hook up the ice trailer and drive it to Sarcoxie. Yes, it will be midnight before we get home tonight. The thought of all that driving caused grumpy moment #1 yesterday.


Grumpy moment #2 occurred at football practice last night. I will admit there is a particular father there that I’m not too pleased with. I know this sounds very unchristian like, but I think I could’ve kicked him in the head and not felt a bit bad about it. And hey, since I don’t think my fingerprints are stored anywhere could they have traced it back to me??? Yesterday, because of the fingerprinting thing, we sent Cade home with some friends. We decided to still stick with that plan because we didn’t know the appointment was cancelled until about 2pm. Trying to change plans in the middle of the day was too much. If Cade had gotten a message at school that he was to ride the bus to the HS even though we told him to go home with Kaul, he would’ve gone into a tailspin. We are enough alike that I know what something like that would’ve done to him. We aren’t big on having our plans changed at the last minute. So I got to practice a little before 6:00 pm and Cade and the Kleeman’s weren’t there yet. They had to get three boys ready plus pick up a 4th boy somewhere along the way. Most of us work and have other responsibilities (and other lives) outside of 8 year old football practice. They pulled up about 6:05 pm. No big deal, except to the father that I was tempted to kick last night. He made Cade run for being late. I can not tell you how angry that made me. This guy is not even the head coach. I’m not even sure he was asked to help – he is just there barking out orders to the kids. Not that the running hurt Cade, it wasn’t that far, it was the principal of it. Yes, if Cade was 17 yrs old and late to practice that is one thing but not when he is 8 and solely relies on adults to get him there. I was so aggravated because that guy had no idea what we were going through to even get Cade to practice that night. This is not the first time this dad has annoyed me and I have a feeling it won’t be the last. I know that may sound a little mean and uncharacteristic of me, but I’m not perfect. And I don’t like this guy talking to my child. At. All. It’s hard balancing the whole natural instinct to protect your child with not turning them into mamma’s boys. That’s the only thing that kept me from not kicking him in the back of the head…and that it wouldn’t have looked good on the homestudy either. But we did have one breakthrough last night. Cade came home from the Kleeman’s knowing how to tie his shoes. I don’t know how Cesare did it, but we really appreciate it. We’ve tried for years and finally decided he’d learn at some point but until then New Balance makes some really good strap shoes….

Grumpy Moment#3 started while watching this guy “coach” these 8 year olds through this scene…

Yes, that is pouring rain hitting my windshield.  You can barely make out the red uniforms on the other side of the window. Nothing is more irritating than trying to stare daggers at someone when you can’t see them clearly. Also, thank goodness for texting. Jay had a teachers meeting and got to practice about half way through. I kept texting him anytime the dad irritated me. I’m sure Jay got annoyed, but it made me feel better!

I’m at work today trying to let all of this go, at least until the next practice. We are going today to get the fingerprints taken care of, Jay is taking Cade to practice tomorrow night so I won’t have to look at the dad, and Charity sent me this picture. Life is looking good today…..

I think I’ve been fired as her picture taker. I was trying to get her and Lawson at the baby show and people kept getting in my way. It made me laugh when I opened my e-mail this morning. Shelley – I need a camera like yours!!!

Medication - Round #2

Sunday night I started my medication for Round #2.  It was just the BC Pill, so not anything too major.  I won't start the Lupron until somewhere around October 13th.  The last time I felt pretty good on these things.  This time, I'm not sure....I was (still am) slightly nauseous.  I hope this doesnt't become a chronic problem this time. 

I had a medicine free month so I enjoyed not having to remember to take something every day.  It was the first time since the middle of April I didn't have to take something.  The only problem with having a break is that I'm afraid I won't remember to start taking it again.  I've told Jay so that maybe he can help me remember.  And so it begins again....I just hope the outcome is different this time. 

At least one positive is that I start the Lupron after we have our homestudy visit.  That's probably good.  Let's just say I probably am not as mentally sharp on the Lupron as I am unmedicated.  Since this is a social worker I've never met before I don't want to say or do anything stupid.  On the Lupron saying/doing stupid things seemed to be a daily occurance.

Tonight Jay and I have appointments to be fingerprinted again for the 4th time.  I realize that you can't base the real world off of what you see on TV, but CSI makes this fingerprinting thing look easy.  With just a few strokes on a keyboard they can pull up the whole histroy of someone.  You would think that in real life they could store our fingerprints somewhere and pull up our records each year without having to be printed again.  I don't understand how it all works, but I'd have to believe that since my fingerprints have been scanned if I were to commit a crime and they found my fingerprints at the scene they would be able to trace them back to me???  Maybe they don't keep them after they are scanned, but if they don't that is a waste of resources....and my $52!!!  Oh the irritation!!!  I think I've said this every other time but I really really really hope we don't have to go through this again.   

They All Look Alike….

Before having kids I used to think all babies looked alike. That all changed the moment I saw Cade. The next morning after his birth Jay's Grandmother visited the hospital. I was so proud of myself because I was able to look through the nursery window and know which one of those babies was mine. A mother should know her own child …. If you believe that you haven't had a child of average height/weight play elementary sports.

The first year of baseball was a struggle for me. All the kids (girls & boys) were 6 and they looked alike. If I sat far enough away from home plate I couldn't tell who was batting. Was it mine? Was it a girl? Oh, well I'll just cheer anyway. This past year the kids matured enough that I knew which one was mine when he batted without straining my eyes too much. I didn't feel like such a bad mom…then football comes along and ruins it for me again.

I can't tell Cade apart when he's practicing. I had to ask Jay what number he was because I couldn't spot my own child. I had to strain to see his number, finally find him and then I'd loose him again. Eventually I gave up and played on my iPhone. All that straining was giving me a headache. Not to mention nausea from reading the numbers on moving targets. Towards the end of practice I did figure out a way to pick him out. I'd look for his legs. He's the one who's butt and legs are so narrow and skinny that he looks like he will topple over from all the weight in his shoulder/head areas. Later that evening I was telling Jay about my dilemma and he suggested the butt/ leg method. It was nice to have confirmation that once again we are on the same page with the raising of our child.

Also, I still don't like it. It makes me nervous. I'll be at the games, I just don't know if I'll be able to watch. I may encourage him to become a kicker…but with his anxiety issues that might not work. The two of us are quite the mess. Jay has his hands full most of the time.

Embryos Reserved

The embryos are reserved! We sorted through the profiles last night and ended up going with Blasts again. I believe those are 5 day embryos… since I've been somewhat aloof through this process I haven't done a lot of studying up on all this stuff. I just do what the doctor tells me and move on.

We picked one family that had one blast and another that had 5 so that gives us our 6 total. That will also mean that once again we could have a set of twins not genetically related to each other. Last night we had all of the papers spread around, they were divided into blasts and multi-cells. We were thinking about using the multi-cells but then noticed that the genetic parents wanted the adopting family to live in the west. Missouri was not an approved state so we had to throw those out. To get enough multi-cells we would've had to used 6 different families. We learned the last time that greatly increases your expense when it comes to paying the shipping and storage costs. We weren't interested in paying that much again.

That left us with only a choice of blasts. Then we had to decide which ones to use. Should we keep the ones we have already and pick 3 more, should we start over, how should we decide….We went through them one more time and took out a couple we weren't sure about (one of them we removed because Jay wasn't confident in my biology lesson on recessive genes). That left us 4 donors to choose from. Since we are extremely tired of making these sorts of decisions we did the best thing we could think of to pick the embryos…I emptied out a Longaberger Bread Basket and we dropped the 4 donor numbers into the basket and pulled them out. Jay pulled them out twice and each time we got the same order. The third time we had Cade pull them out – same order. That's what we went with.

That's it, that's the big decision we made last night. While we were looking through them nothing mattered to us – who cares about hair and eye color? Hair texture and body build? Ok, maybe the height because Jay was a little hung up on the size of the people and my hang up was the egg age, but really what does it matter? That's why we drew numbers. If it works this time maybe I could contact Longaberger. They are always looking for different ideas on how "real" people use their baskets. Maybe they'd even send me a couple for free???

Onward to November

I was very surprised this morning to receive a call from Clydene at the NEDC. She was ready to send me the embryos profiles so we can get them reserved for the November transfer. I was surprised because I didn't think this would happen until sometime in September. I guess the NEDC is doing it differently now…instead of picking the embryos in a mad rush each family gets 24 hours to make their decision. I have to e-mail Clydene our choices by 8 am tomorrow morning and then the remaining profiles will be passed on to the next family.

This new system is good and bad (at least for me). It's nice that I'm not frantically sorting through profiles and rushing to send an e-mail. I'm enjoying that part. On the other hand though it's not a good idea for me to have a lot of thinking time. I'm already wondering which ones we should pick. We still have 3 blasts on hold from the last transfer. Do I keep those and pick 3 more blasts? One issue I have is that 2 of the blasts are from genetic parents who were 40 and 50 years old. Yes, the age concerns me. Not only is the chance for genetic problems higher, the egg quality likely isn't as good. But it was still good enough for a pregnancy for the donors. It's sad to think that those babies may never get a chance because of people overlooking them due to their age. Do we release them and go with younger donors? So complicated!!!

I'm staring at this stack of profiles wondering if our child is in there? Is it in the stack we have at home from the last transfer? What if we make the wrong decision? I tend to go a lot on gut feelings, but sometimes my gut gets so confused because my head does too much thinking. Maybe we should put them in a hat and draw them out? Hmm, actually that's not a bad idea….

And the tension headache continues….

Clydene also reminded me about that pesky homestudy problem. It needs to be updated in September. I am so dreading that. I really really dislike filling out that paperwork. What I hate the most is the financial part of it. I do that sort of thing every day at work, but I hate to do it for myself. I don't like filling out the balance sheet, I detest breaking down where every $$ goes to each month, It aggravates me that I have to copy our tax return and the statements of every account we list on the balance sheet. EVERYONE ELSE CAN GET PREGNANT REGARDLESS OF IF THEY CAN AFFORD IT OR NOT!!! You loose all of your privacy through the adoption and this is the part that bothers me the most. Probably because I'm the one who has to fill it out and I'm the one making phone calls and digging through the enormous stacks of paper trying to find our latest statements. Makes my head hurt more just thinking about it. Have I mentioned this is the FOURTH TIME WE'VE DONE THIS??? I guess I feel like yelling today!

But we do have one new asset to add to the balance sheet this year. Maybe it will distract them from all of the other stuff. I'm guessing it's not everyday a social worker would see 1 Hawaiian Ice trailer listed on an adopting couple's financial statement. Maybe Jay could even offer to whip up one for her….she'd pass us through with flying colors after that regardless of what the balance sheet says!

Back to Work

I'm finally back to work today after taking off Friday and Monday for the fair and yesterday for a crop insurance meeting.  I have so much to do...pretty sure my headaches have been caused by tension, but I had to make a quick post.  I've got several other I need to do...fair and 1st day of 3rd grade, but I'll have to do those when I have more time.

I was just on msnbc skimming the daily headlines and I saw this article.
American Idol Judge

I am a so-so fan of American Idol.  We faithfully watched Season 1 way back in 2002 when Cade was a baby and we couldn't do much of anything else.  We didn't watch it again until 2005 - the year that Carrie Underwood won.  Since then it's been hit and miss for us.  If we are home and think of it we may turn it on, but otherwise we aren't huge fans.  But if this article is true I will have to watch it this year because I really like Aerosmith (for some weird reason)  Maybe the whole group would be there for the finale??  I'm still upset about them cancelling their concert last year, but this might make up for it a little.  Hopefully Steven Tyler won't fall off any more stages between now and when they start the taping for the show!