The Re-Check Update

Yesterday was my re-check appointment. Thankfully everything turned out fine. I'm proceeding with the Estrace and will go back on the 15^th for another ultrasound.

Sometimes I try to find a reason why things happen, even though it's totally pointless, it's the way I'm wired. So Tuesday when I came to work I had an e-mail from our agency out of KC. Mary wanted to know if she could show our profile. We are kind of in this weird area now of what to do, but I went ahead and told her to. Since she had actually e-mailed me Monday and the timing was somewhat confused I don't know if we were even considered. Of course though when I found out about this new appointment I thought "wouldn't it be great if Mary called and this couple wanted to meet us and we could say Yes, lets do it Thursday". After all these years you'd think I would stop with that nonsense, but I still do it. In reality though this is actually how our day turned out…

Jay woke up early Thursday morning with a shooting pain going down his neck into his arm. By the time we left the house his ear was somewhere around his shoulder. He called his chiropractor a couple of times with just a step below begging in his voice. They couldn't get him in. I told him he could stay home and I would be fine. He wouldn't do it because he knew our luck would be that the lining would've tripled in size and I'd be a bawling mess stuck in Olathe by myself. So we headed out with me driving and him sleeping. We made it to the appointment and everything went pretty well. Except for one near miss in the parking lot between our G6 and a grumpy man in an SUV. I gave him the "I'm Sorry" wave but he didn't see to care. Anyway, in the ultrasound she had some trouble finding my ovaries so there were some jokes about how maybe that has been our problem all along. Finally they were located and the ultrasound tech told me she thought everything looked good. I thought it did to, but you know how you just need to know that for sure. I needed the NEDC to call me back…quickly.

After the appointment, since we are such creatures of habit, we ate at the same Cracker Barrel we ate at Sunday night. Jay was going to drive home, but I had to get us out of the traffic..since he couldn't turn his neck. We had to turn left to get back on to the highway and it was a double lane turning lane. I looked in my rearview mirror and I saw two cops on motorcycles behind me. I got one of those feelings where I knew this was not going to turn out well. When the light turned green I made my left turn but had a Lupron moment and forgot what lane I was in. I crossed over to the other lane, cutting off a car, and promptly got pulled over by a fine city of Olathe employee. Fifteen minutes and $121 dollars later we were back on the road. That was the last straw…I had a melt down once we got back on the road. Jay was laughing and patting me on the shoulder telling me we'd just sell more ice. I was crying just saying this whole thing (meaning the adoption) needed to turn out good for us..and on and on. I hate this medicine.

We made it the rest of the way home without an incident. The NEDC called and assured me everything was fine and adjusted my medicine. Jay begged the chiropractor again today and they got him in. I think he feels like a new man. But I haven't yet figured out the reason for yesterday….It wasn't like we had quality time together. He slept on the way and I was a wreck on the way home. We now not only owe for a second ultrasound, but a $121 ticket. The only thing I can figure out is that it taught me that I'm not a good driver on this Lupron, or maybe it's not the Lupron. It's probably because I've got too much on my mind. Anyway, just to be safe you might not want to ride with me until after the transfer. I had worried about Cade riding around this summer with the girls that are watching him. Not that I had any reason to worry, I was just being a mom. It turns out he's probably much safer with them then with his own mother.

If anyone needs us this weekend, we will be at The Icebox in Granby, Mo for their Old Mining Town Days…hoping to make $121 more than we had planned.

Appointment Update

After some confusion yesterday afternoon about who had what and where it was being faxed I finally got my official results from the NEDC. My lining was really thick. There is some concern about it. I have been rescheduled for another ultrasound tomorrow at 11. Hopefully this will resolve on it's own and won't cause any more problems. Sometimes I'm anxious about it, but mostly I try to remember it's out of our hands. There is nothing I can do about it, there's nothing I could've done differently. I have no control over this. And, if there is going to be a problem with any of this we would rather know now instead of the ultrasound on the 15^th or even worse…once I get to Knoxville.

So back to Olathe we go tomorrow. When we went to Disneyland in December we flew out of KC, but before then I can't even remember the last time we were in the KC area. Now I'm going twice in one week. Kind of funny!

Hot Flashes and Emotions…

I think Friday night I started experiencing my first symptoms from the Lupron. That would've been 7 days after the first injection so I'm guessing that would be about right?? Cade played his last ever Coach's Pitch baseball game. We lost the first game Friday night so our season was over, but we ended up 3^rd so that's not bad. While I was watching them line up to tell the other team good game I had that sad feeling like it was the end of something, but I held it back. We sent Cade home with Sharon because we had a rodeo event going on last weekend. Jay and I drove back to the event and found out it was a bust. Lyle and Jania had very willingly volunteered to work it for us and they had sold 6 while we were gone. We decided to close up and go out to eat. We hoped that Saturday would be better.

On the way to eat I told Jay I was sad because this was Cade's last game, then I started crying. Next year we will be in big baseball. Then while we were eating I kept tearing up. I think the Lupron mixed with the stress that fertility procedures put on a person did me in. I kept thinking about Cade's last game and would we ever get to experience this phase again with another one? We've had so much fun with Cade and we would like to have another chance someday. Then I don't know if this made me laugh or cry, but if we are ever blessed to experience this with another child at least we won't have to worry about who's going to work the ice stand. Cade will be at least 17 when we would have an 8 year old in baseball… No more begging friends/family to help us out!!

Saturday I thought I felt a little better. I went to Republic to get groceries and decided to grab something to eat. Fast food didn't sound good so I decided on Pizza Hut. While I was eating I started crying…for no reason. It was so awful and embarrassing. I had one napkin that was covered in pizza sauce and tears. I couldn't seem to get control. I texted my friend Shelley who's been through this stuff before. She said it was definitely the Lupron. Finally I got myself together enough that I could pay and get the heck out of there. No less then three Pizza Hut employees asked me if the food was ok. I should've told them No, I was really craving Canadian Bacon and Pineapple and there was none!! I really wish I would've thought of that sooner….

I told Jay about my Pizza Hut experience while we were on the way to Saturday night's rodeo event. He seemed to be horrified. He said the next time I felt like that maybe I should think about going through a drive thru. The problem was I had no idea it was going to happen. Definitely one of the weirder things I've ever experienced.

Then Sunday I got to experience my first hot flash. We were killing some time before going to the Schlitterbahn Waterpark in KC, by walking around a mall. All of a sudden I had this hotness just explode from the inside out. It was like a fire spreading up my back. Jay's always hot so I asked him if the mall was warm. He said it wasn't. It was all me. You know how sometimes you see older women wearing skimpy tops and you think to yourself that they really don't need to be wearing that? Now I know why they do. It's because they are so hot they think they are going to be incinerated on the spot. Totally understand where they are coming from now.

I should have about 10 more Lupron shots left. I think my last one is 7/8. My ultrasound was yesterday and I'm still waiting to hear from the clinic. Once I hear from them I get to start the Estrace. So I'll be taking Lupron to kill the hormones and Estrace to put estrogen back in my system. My body won't know which way is up by the time I'm done with all this stuff!

Baseball

Baseball is finally wrapping up this week. Not sure if it's the added activity of the Icebox, the extreme heat, or all my medication, but this season has seemed long. This week we've gone to Stockton every night except Monday. Stockton is a long drive for us, close to an hour from the time we leave our house. It seems so far away! Especially when you play a 6:00 pm game so the whole drive you already dreading the heat that you are going to be sitting in. Tuesday night we played at 6. I've never seen so many red faced sweaty children in all my life. We pulled a win out, but it was close. Last night we got beat but there is still a chance we could be in the championship. BUT we have to win both games tonight. At least it's not nearly as humid as it was Tuesday so maybe the kids will do better?

I can't think of any good stories from this season. You can tell the kids have matured since we started this the year before they went into 1^st grade. We didn't have anyone pee on the base during practice, Cade isn't hounding us before during and after the game for a ring pop, there hasn't been a lady with a shiny pail full of gumballs, etc. They are older and more into the game and honestly it's not nearly as entertaining! I kind of miss those days of it being utterly chaotic. I don't think the bench coach has nearly the time Jay had the year he did it. The kids actually know when they are up to bat now.  Also, the kids who used to annoy me don't any more.  I think maybe they are growing up.  That even makes me a little sad....well not that sad.

Cade has really improved this year, so that's been fun to watch. He is so serious when he's on base. He looks like a real baseball player. I've got pictures that I need to post. He looks pretty handsome in his official pictures. And he looks grown up. Makes me a little teary….oh wait, that's the hormones.

Cancellation...

Saturday night Jay wanted to take Cade, Buttons and Ruby to a show in Republic.  I had to go to Springfield that afternoon to buy 75# of sugar so I was going to meet them there.  About the time I left Springfield it started clouding up.  When Jay got about half way between home and Republic is started pouring, then hailing.  It rained hard on us for about an hour.  This all happened about 5pm that night, but the show wasn't until 7pm.  For some reason they decided to cancel it.  By 7pm though it was back to being sunny and hot.  It was disappointing for everyone.  I'd say Jay was the most disappointed, but then I think about it from Buttons and Ruby's perspective....they were taken from their surroundings, washed with cold water from the hose, loaded on a trailer, drove through pounding sheets of rain and hail all to sit in a McDonald's parking lot while we ate then they were hauled back home and turned out.  I'm sure they were very confused!

I snapped this picture of Cade because he looked kind of pittiful sitting there eating his ice cream cone.  He was all dressed up with no place to go! 

Also, I've mentioned Skyler Sanders on this blog several times the last couple of years.  He is the 8 year old battling the brain tumor.  I used to work with his dad.  Please keep Skyler and his family in your prayers.  I can't imagine what they are going through. I really don't know what else to say.....you can check out his website at http://www.skylersanders.com/    

 

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Embryo Update

Friday was a big day for us….a big, big day.

We already knew that we were supposed to get the e-mail containing basic information on the embryos available this cycle. Friday morning I got a phone call that the e-mail wouldn't go through on my work mail so they faxed them. It was agonizing waiting for the 55 pages to start coming through on our outdated fax machine. The fax machine worked so slow I was able to read them as they were coming though so I could let Jay know what stack to put them in. After they were all finally in our hands we went into my office and made our decision in about 10 minutes. Really there wasn't much to decide between on any of them. Probably the main thing that we had agreed on was that we wanted Caucasian embryos. We have been open to adopting other races, but I really didn't want to give birth to a baby of a different race. Since we live in a small town it would be known that I was pregnant, but you know not everyone would get the 'memo' that we had adopted the embryos. I'm sure there would be a few stories going around once they saw me carrying around a Hispanic/Asian/Black child. That's not an issue either of us felt like facing or putting on a child.

Once we got sorted through the races, there wasn't much left that mattered to us. We ended up picking 4 different genetic couples. The reasons why we placed one #1 was because they were the tallest and #4 because the female was older (which means older eggs). I fired the e-mail back to the clinic requesting those 4 donor numbers. Jay left and I went back to work. A few minutes later I got an e-mail back saying three of our four were already reserved, we needed to pick more and quickly. I grabbed our sheets and just started scanning the ones still available. There was no time for input from Jay, not that it would've mattered, I just had to pick. It wouldn't have mattered because there were only about 4-6 more genetic families that were even a possibility. I just had to pull them out and go with them. We weren't disappointed or anything, because at this point it really didn't matter to us when it came down to characteristics. We ended up with 5 different genetic families with a total of 6 embryos. The clinic requires 6 embryos because they don't usually all survive the thawing process. In about two weeks we'll get a more comprehensive health history on the embryos we have chosen.

Later that afternoon I got a call from the clinic nurse. The transfer date has been set for July 21, which meant I had to start the Lupron Saturday. I'm also scheduled for an ultrasound at a fertility clinic in Olathe, Ks next Monday. Jay has given me two of the Lupron shots and so far it's going ok. The first one I didn't even feel, but it stung afterwards. Last nights hurt going in, but didn't sting afterwards. So who knows??? Once the NEDC gets the ultrasound results I'll get the clearance to start Estrace. I'll go back on July 15 for another ultrasound and then we will leave for Knoxville on Sunday the 18^th.

We are finally on the road with all of this. We are just praying that this works for us. For some reason Cade has been talking more and more about having a baby…what would this be like or that be like. Saturday I told him he was my Favortist Boy in the whole world. He asked if he would be my favortist if he had a brother. I explained that he would be the favortist big brother and the other would be my favortist younger brother. Cade said "I'd rather just have a girl".

Restless

I am so restless right now. Even though our lives are so hectic in the evenings, I'm restless. I guess I'm just so ready for something to happen. Our profile hasn't been shown in over a month, I'm back and forth on my excitement about the embryo adoption, work is really slow right now, I'm ready for a vacation, etc. If things would pick up at work that would help me a lot, but more than likely that's not going to happen. Farmers are too busy right now to think about loans…they are mowing hay, harvesting wheat and planting beans. They tend to think about loans in the spring, fall and winter rather than the summer. That makes for some long days in the office, especially when it's sunny outside and you know that your husband and son are just a few miles away.

I'm also conflicted. What do I want to do? Where do I want to fit in? I had a doctors appointment last week. For some lucky reason I always end up there on OB day. There is never another woman in the waiting room who doesn't appear to be pregnant…except for me. The other years I brushed it off. It didn't bother me. I made my peace about never being pregnant again years ago. I gained 50 pounds with Cade and was more tired than I had ever been in my entire life so it was a pretty easy transition. This year I had a harder time sitting in the waiting room. I had brought a book so I tried to read, but I didn't get very far. All I could think of was where will I fit in? Will I be back in a few months for an OB visit? If don't come back for another year will it be ok because I will finally be an adoptive mom? Will I come back year after year as another casualty of infertility who never had their longings for another child fulfilled? It was a rough day. I had to go buy some cute beaded necklaces as a reward for making it through that horror once I left the office.

In my mind I go back and forth on the outcome of the transfer. I either think that it's not going to work or I'm going to end up with triplets. I can't seem to come to a happy medium in my thoughts. I also think a lot about going in for the blood test after the transfer. How will I handle hearing the nurse say it's negative? Would it be better for me to just plan on using a sick day so I can be home when I get the news? How will I handle the stuff that we have going on after the transfer….cattle shows and Icebox events. Will I be able to make it through all of that stuff without having a breakdown? I know I'm letting my mind get way ahead of where it should be, but it's hard not to.

When we go in for the transfer the end of July we will be at the 5 year "anniversary" of all of this stuff. Some parts seem so long and other parts seem to have gone quickly. I remember how I felt in those early days and am glad I didn't know how long it was going to last. I don't know that I would've made it, knowing I had at least 5 more years ahead of me. Sunday while we were eating lunch, out of the blue, Cade said he wished we had a 4^th person in our family. He was tired of the empty chair. He hasn't said much about having a brother or sister in quite awhile, but this weekend he said several things that took me back. When he said that Sunday it was hard, especially considering when I went to set the table that day I had grabbed 4 forks. I wondered why I continued to do dumb things like that to myself???

I don't think we have any intentions of quitting any of this any time soon, but we are getting weary. I was thinking yesterday that it is about time to update our homestudy. It wears me out to think about it. I can't stand the thought of scheduling those fingerprints for the fourth time. The fourth time!!! Or filling out all of that paperwork dissecting where every penny we make during the month is spent (ok, mostly that alone is depressing enough). Or preparing for yet another social worker to come and check out us and our house. I know when the time comes if we have to do it I will, but I don't want to. I really, really don't want to have to go through all that again. Did I mention it would be the FOURTH time?

These are all the thoughts I'm mulling over now and I haven't even started the medication. What is life going to be like when I start the Lupron? Maybe a medically induced menopause will give me some other things to think about…like how crazy I will become when I really am menopausal.