Restless

I am so restless right now. Even though our lives are so hectic in the evenings, I'm restless. I guess I'm just so ready for something to happen. Our profile hasn't been shown in over a month, I'm back and forth on my excitement about the embryo adoption, work is really slow right now, I'm ready for a vacation, etc. If things would pick up at work that would help me a lot, but more than likely that's not going to happen. Farmers are too busy right now to think about loans…they are mowing hay, harvesting wheat and planting beans. They tend to think about loans in the spring, fall and winter rather than the summer. That makes for some long days in the office, especially when it's sunny outside and you know that your husband and son are just a few miles away.

I'm also conflicted. What do I want to do? Where do I want to fit in? I had a doctors appointment last week. For some lucky reason I always end up there on OB day. There is never another woman in the waiting room who doesn't appear to be pregnant…except for me. The other years I brushed it off. It didn't bother me. I made my peace about never being pregnant again years ago. I gained 50 pounds with Cade and was more tired than I had ever been in my entire life so it was a pretty easy transition. This year I had a harder time sitting in the waiting room. I had brought a book so I tried to read, but I didn't get very far. All I could think of was where will I fit in? Will I be back in a few months for an OB visit? If don't come back for another year will it be ok because I will finally be an adoptive mom? Will I come back year after year as another casualty of infertility who never had their longings for another child fulfilled? It was a rough day. I had to go buy some cute beaded necklaces as a reward for making it through that horror once I left the office.

In my mind I go back and forth on the outcome of the transfer. I either think that it's not going to work or I'm going to end up with triplets. I can't seem to come to a happy medium in my thoughts. I also think a lot about going in for the blood test after the transfer. How will I handle hearing the nurse say it's negative? Would it be better for me to just plan on using a sick day so I can be home when I get the news? How will I handle the stuff that we have going on after the transfer….cattle shows and Icebox events. Will I be able to make it through all of that stuff without having a breakdown? I know I'm letting my mind get way ahead of where it should be, but it's hard not to.

When we go in for the transfer the end of July we will be at the 5 year "anniversary" of all of this stuff. Some parts seem so long and other parts seem to have gone quickly. I remember how I felt in those early days and am glad I didn't know how long it was going to last. I don't know that I would've made it, knowing I had at least 5 more years ahead of me. Sunday while we were eating lunch, out of the blue, Cade said he wished we had a 4^th person in our family. He was tired of the empty chair. He hasn't said much about having a brother or sister in quite awhile, but this weekend he said several things that took me back. When he said that Sunday it was hard, especially considering when I went to set the table that day I had grabbed 4 forks. I wondered why I continued to do dumb things like that to myself???

I don't think we have any intentions of quitting any of this any time soon, but we are getting weary. I was thinking yesterday that it is about time to update our homestudy. It wears me out to think about it. I can't stand the thought of scheduling those fingerprints for the fourth time. The fourth time!!! Or filling out all of that paperwork dissecting where every penny we make during the month is spent (ok, mostly that alone is depressing enough). Or preparing for yet another social worker to come and check out us and our house. I know when the time comes if we have to do it I will, but I don't want to. I really, really don't want to have to go through all that again. Did I mention it would be the FOURTH time?

These are all the thoughts I'm mulling over now and I haven't even started the medication. What is life going to be like when I start the Lupron? Maybe a medically induced menopause will give me some other things to think about…like how crazy I will become when I really am menopausal.