Life Lately

After all of the adoption posts this one will probably be out of place.  If you are in the process of waiting for a child this probably isn't the post for you to read.

My kids are wearing me slick right now.  Oh, I still love them like none other....but there are nights I am just counting the minutes until they go to bed.  Last night I almost had an anxiety attack.  I don't want to move.  At all.  And we have no intention of selling our house and moving....but sometimes I dream of a house with another living area in it. 

Camryn was in our room watching Little Einsteins which was recorded which then means about every 25 minutes she is yelling for someone to start a new one.  Cade was in the family room with Jay.  Cade went duck hunting for the first time Saturday and he is now obsessed with it.  It was all he talked about this weeked.  Absolutely all.  Mostly I heard.....duck.....gun.....duck....duck....duck....gun.  It was crazy.  Jay was trying to watch Madam Secretary and I wanted to do some Yoga.  There was no where in my house to escape for a few minutes.  I thought maybe I could do it in the kitchen but just as I was headed in there Cade went to get a drink.  Then I went in our room and Camryn demanded something so I went back to the family room.  I made Cade move from the loveseat to the couch so I could at least have one little area all to myself.  Then I was positioned right in front of our Infared heater - you know the thing we bought during Propaneagedon.  I just called it Hot Yoga and went with it.  Then Camryn joined me which helped to melt my frustration because her Down Dog is pretty cute....and pretty darn good.

Last week, actually the same night as Obama's speech that wasn't aired on national television it got so bad in the house I decided to clean out the cat's litter box.  That's what I've been reduced to.  Sifting turds just because I know that is one moment they will leave me alone.  I also decided I needed a Lime-A-Rita that same night so Jay gladly left to get me some.  He needed a little alone time to.  As I was cleaning cat poo and sweeping up the litter and leaves I heard Jay pull up outside.  I cracked the garage door a little thinking 1.  He would get out of the van so I could have my Lime-A-Rita 2.  That we could hide out in the garage together for a few minutes and maybe utter a few sentences with no interruptions and 3.  I needed to sweep out the leaves anyway.  Instead Jay didn't get out.  He found Obama's speech on the radio so he was listening to it.  And he was screaming loudly at the radio.  After a few minutes of me sweeping and Jay screaming I shut the garage door and went back into the house.  We all have our ways of dealing with stress.  Mine is cleaning up cat poop - Jay's is yelling at the radio over the President's speech.  Whatever works I guess.

The funny thing was that same night as the speech I was exercising and my dad called.  Cade answered the phone so I paused my video fully expecting Cade to hand me the phone.  Instead he talked and talked and talked to my dad.  When I finally got on the phone dad said he had asked Cade how he was doing.  Cade replied with "I'm mad" then went on an immigration policy tirade with my dad.  Anytime Cade starts to drive Jay crazy with this sort of thing I remind him that is his own Conservative doing.  Jay is the one exposing him to talk radio and Fox news constatnly.  You have to take the good with the bad.

I know that some day I will miss all of this activity.  I will wish to be back in this time of my life.  I really do try to embrace it because I did learn to not take any of it for granted during our adoption wait.  But I am human.  And sometimes I just need a quiet spot to do my Yoga.  Maybe the garage.... 

One more adoption post

My Timehop today was from three years ago. I posted on Facebook how we were exactly 1 month away from Camryn's finalization date. Of course that got me to thinking.....

June of 2011 was a magical time with bringing her home.  December of 2011 was so freeing because she was officially ours and we were done with the agency.  No more home visits or worrying about if a life change occurred how much time, energy, and money would go into changing the home study.  No more emails that would put me on the edge of my seat.  Done.  Free.  Finished.  It was wonderful.

I remember sitting outside the courtroom waiting our turn.  The whole day was about adoption finalizations.  There were many, many families there getting the same Christmas present we were.  Some were from Bethany like us.  Some were International adoptions.  Some were special needs adoptions.  I remember one family that had quite a few childrend and several of them had special needs.  The boys were dressed alike and so were the girls.  It was so neat to sit there and watch all of the families that God brought together.  I got tears in my eyes watching the happy families leave the courtroom.

I don't remember a lot about what was said in court that day.  It is mostly a blur.  It didn't take very long because before I realized what was going on we were standing up and taking a picture with the Judge.  I felt like the rest of the weight that hadn't left my chest in June was finally gone when we left the courtroom that day. 

The very next day we had a party to celebrate the end of it all.  Close to 75 well loved friends and family memembers crowded in our house to celebrate with us.  What an awesome time to be with those who had prayed and prayed and prayed for us during that journey. 

I know that things won't always be unicorns and roses with our adoption, but I hope Camryn will always know how loved she is and how very much she was wanted by all of us. 

 

 

 

 

 

What a wonderful close to 2011 that was!

Crazy Cat Lady

Two weeks ago we got two kittens.  I really don’t like pets.  I don’t believe the saying better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  With pets it’s just easier to have never loved….or fed or watered or worried over them at all.  But against the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach I agreed to take two kittens.  The only thing that won over my dislike for pets was the pure hatred and rage I feel for mice.   We have killed more mice in our house in the last 4 months than the entire (almost) 10 years we’ve lived there.  Having one chew on the carpet in Cade’s door way was the last straw.  Jay had tried every kind of trap and poison available.  He had also crawled under the house to make sure there wasn’t a nest.  He had wrapped and stuffed everything place imaginable with steel wool.  The only thing left in our arsenal was to get a cat that would hopefully scare them off.

Hence the addition of Blackie, Camryn’s cat and Lucy, Cade’s cat to our little family.  Cade has taken to these things more than I expected him to.  Camryn of course is nuts about Blackie and therefore Blackie is a rather nervous creature.  Usually one glimpse of Camryn will send him scattering for cover.  I call him a boy but I’m not 100% sure Blackie is a boy...time will tell on that.

Yesterday morning Cade went out to feed them like normal and came inside rather panicked.  There was blood in the litter box.  I went to inspect it and realized one of them had probably got into mouse poison.  Just as luck would have it Lucy pooped about then and I got to take a good look at that.  There wasn’t any blood so I figured she was in the clear.  After some frantic moments Jay finally decided to load them up and keep them in the greenhouse for the day.  He would call the vet to see if there was anything that could be done about it.  I really wasn’t too nervous about it.  I don’t want anything to suffer but I felt like I wasn’t beside myself or anything.  That was until I thought about the texts I sent Jay yesterday morning.  Just to avoid confusion I am the blue....like that wasn't obvious. 

Then, even though I was having a wild, wild day at work I found the time to text Jay again in the afternoon.  He didn't respond to my first one so I sent him the second one a little later.  He wasn't trying to teach or anything....

 

 

I am officially a crazy cat lady.  I guess it’s true that the crazy really does sneak up on you.  I honestly felt calm yesterday…..except for the work stuff.  That was making me crazy which was the reason for my last text.  Jay is a patient, patient man.  Oh and I had the privilege of watching Blackie poop while I was getting tonight’s dinner out of the freezer.  No blood there either.  Hopefully we are in the clear.    

Talking Adoption

We've been talking a little more about adoption lately.  About 6 months ago I bought several adoption books off of Amazon.  Reading most of them the first time brought tears to my eyes.  There is one called the Red Thread that is really touching - expecially if you adopted internationally.  It's weird how all of the emotions I felt as an adult can be put into a children's book and explained in such simple terms.  It is about how we are connected to our children with an invisible red thread.  The couple in the story had a tugging at their heart from the red thread and they journeyed miles and miles to unravel their thread.   

We keep the books are her nightstand where they are always accessible.  We have cycles with them - like everything else in a normal family life.  Some weeks we read them non-stop and some weeks we read about Mickey Mouse instead.  We just let her pick.  One that I mentioned last week called Rosie's Family is about an adopted family - except they are dogs.  I like it because it has a bio brother and Rosie is the adopted sister.  It puts into kids terms that's it is ok to be mad or scared and that it is ok to ask questions.  I know she is picking up on some of it because she said "Rosie is adopted like me."  Having her say that was a relief for me.  That was the first time I really felt like she understood something was a little different.  I know she still doesn't get the concept, but she knows the word and it is at least a small part of her vocabulary.  We are making progress.

We also keep a copy of this first picture on our fridge and I talk to her about this day frequently.  She was wearing a pink bow and dad and I thought she was perfect the first time we saw her.  All of this adoption talk this month has had me looking back at old photos and reminiscing about those early days.  Those sweet baby days go so quickly and that was such a magical, hard earned so I soaked up every minute of it, time for us.

 

November is Adoption Awareness Month

 

It's been quite some time since I wrote any sort of heartfelt adoption post. We are just a little over a month away from Camryn's 3 year finalization anniversary. In some ways it is hard to believe that she is old enough to have been in our family 3 1/2 years. In other ways I can't hardly remember a time when she wasn't with us. I haven't forget (and I pray I never do) what that pain was like while we waited. All it takes is one Facebook comment from someone struggling with the same pain to bring it all back to me because I hurt so much for them. But thankfully that's not my normal day to day life anymore.  There are only a couple of blogs that I even read anymore that are adoption related.  Both families got babies around the same time that Camryn was born and they are back to waiting for a 2^nd child.  I like to keep up with them, but that is about the extent of my adoption reading these days.  Of course unless you count Rosie's Family (a personal favorite),  Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born, A Mother for Choco or GodFound Us You.

With it being Adoption Awareness month though I’m seeing a lot more adoption related posts on Facebook and other places.  A lot of them are positive stories, but with every positive story there are just as many (if not more) stories that paint adoption so negatively.  I get so tired of it.  It wears me out to read the rants that some people have about adoption.  I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still am every time some writes (or says something) about their adoption beliefs and they act like that is the only way to be.  If someone dares to have a different thought or feeling about it then they are called out as being insensitive or clueless to the pain for the members of the adoption triad, etc.  When did we become a nation of such self righteous, unbending, uncompromising, unwilling to listen to a different opinion than our own, type of people? 

There are people who are out to save the world one adoption comment at a time.  We need to be sensitive to birthfamilies…don’t forget the birthdad’s…..the adoptees will be scared forever…..do you use the term real family or don’t use real family (I read two different articles on that alone yesterday).  No wonder those who aren’t familiar with adoption don’t know what to do or what to say.  Those in the triad can’t even agree on what is correct. 

Do you see how this is exhausting and discouraging to someone like me?  I’m so busy trying to be a mom to my two miracles (one from birth and one from adoption) that I don’t have time to analyze every word I say.  I can’t even master my laundry.  I don’t have it in me to be a crusader for adoption by putting every poor grocery store cashier or person in line behind me in Target in their place when they say (while looking at me) “she looks like her mom.”   I just smile and say thank you.  It’s really more of a compliment to me because I think Camryn is just pretty darn cute.  Who wouldn’t want to look like her?  But in adoption circles I’d be considered not doing it right. 

But instead of worrying about it I take Elsa’s advice and Let it Go!!!  I just go through my day doing the best that I can.  And then sometimes I get lucky and I come across and article like this.  It makes me feel like I can do this, my daughter won’t be screwed up AND there are still normal people in the world who don’t get their panties in a wad.  It is refreshing

Blog Update

I think this is the longest lack of blogging stretch I've ever gone.  I really hate that.  I love to blog and I love to look back at what has happened in our lives.  I hope I can do better because it is such a fun thing for our family to look back on.  I'll try to start out slow by just giving some updates....

Jay- He seems like he is having one of his busier school years.  It's not so much the actual teaching part but all of the other crap that comes with it.  Gone are the days of teachers hours....not that they really ever existed, but it is a whole new world even from what it was when I graduated...or even Jay's first teaching years.  My question is are we graduating kids who are really any smarter or better equipped to handle the world than my grandparents or my parents were?  Ok- down off my soap box now.  The other thing that has been big for Jay this fall is the addition of Mini Herefords to JCS Cattle Company.  Our neighbor said it best "you must really like things with short legs."

Cade- 7th Grade has been the best year (besides 4th grade) in Cade's whole school career.  I can not even begin to tell you how much easier things are for him.  We finally figured out he had some attention problems last year.  We've got that adjusted and then the fact that he is changing classes and doing something different every hour has helped his focus so much.  He ended the quarter with all A's.  We were so proud of him.  His grades had always been good, but his Math grade in elementary pulled him down.  He is actually liking math this year and he really likes his teacher.  I'm so thankful that we aren't having the evening meltdowns we had been having.  He played Jr High football and his season ended last month.  He did pretty well and he plans to play again next year. As of right now he doesn't plan to play basketball, which honestly is ok with me.

 

Camryn - She is as much of a sassy pants as ever.  That girl is going to be something else!  She was Rapunzel for Halloween because purple is her favorite color.  Last week we got two kittens.  She was still mad the next day because she wanted a purple cat and she didn't get one.  I used the last thing in my arsenal for telling her why she couldn't have a purple cat.  I said that God doesn't make purple cats.  Bringing God into any conversation with Cade worked like a charm.  He never questioned God.  Of course it didn't work that way with Camryn.  She said "Well God has a rainbow wand that has red, orange, green, blue and purple in it so God does make purple!"  I'm afraid I am so mentally unprepared to raise this child.

Me- I've been trying to keep the above three people plus my sanity together!!!  This has been a crazy fall.  I did get two fun weekends with my mom and sister though.  I went to Arkansas with mom and Charity for all the craft shows in October and then I spent another weekend with mom in Oklahoma at another craft show.  I love going to craft shows!!!  I had a lot of fun getting to spend 24 hours kid free with mom and Charity.  We need to do it more often.  I'm thankful that I have a husband who just says OK when I tell him I'm doing something like that.  He took over for the weekend.  He did a great job with them.  Except after he sent me a picture of Camryn, that he took out in public, I realized I should have set out clothes for her!