The Shepherd's Flock

So it’s been awhile since I posted anything on the blog. I know everyone always says life is crazy and they run out of time…which is true, but not only has life been crazy I’ve been a little crazy to.


Anyone who knows me knows that anxiety has always been a huge burden in my life. I had my worst round of it between our two embryo transfers. I got through it with a lot of prayer and a lot of common sense from Joyce Meyer. For the last two and half years I’ve handled it pretty well. Then this whole job thing happened and my sanity flew out the window. Looking back over my life I can see the times my anxiety has been the worst was when it was triggered by a major life event. So I’m definitely in that season of my life right now…battling the anxiety along with a 2 year old and an 11 year old.

I don’t want this to sound like I’m complaining, because I’m not. I’m just writing it down so someday we can laugh about the time mom wanted to run away screaming. Ha ha ha……

Having a 2 year old and an 11 year has got really hard all of a sudden. Two kids on two completely different levels (with no buffer of another age in between) is rough right now. A two year old is intense. I forgot how intense they can be – especially one that has been forming complete sentences for months. I’m also finding out that a moody 11 year old is equally as intense. These pre-teen years are going to be a bit of a challenge. One minute he is my sweet little boy and the next he’s someone I want to lock away until he can act decently. When you add them both together with raised voices competing for my attention it gets a little crazy at times. Mostly it makes me want to run for my bed and hide under the covers…..but somehow they always find me….

All of this hit kind of a crescendo the past couple of weeks….my anxiety, intense kids…..and a sick two year old. Honestly my nerves were shot. The week of Camryn’s birthday she was sick with a bladder infection. We took her to the doctor on June 4th. They gave us a prescription and we got it filled. We went directly home and tried to give it to her. It was awful. Awful I say. I was so distraught I called the clinic back in tears. They told us to come in and they gave her a shot. I got home and had a mild panic attack because I realized they didn’t ask what she was allergic to. I know they have it down in her chart but most of the time they will ask as a double check. I had to call the clinic back to assure myself they did not give her penicillin. I did not need a repeat of the allergic reaction.

Camryn got along fine until last Monday. Actually on Sunday I had a feeling she was getting sick. Monday afternoon Stacy called and said Camryn had a fever and was miserable. The kids and I were leaving Tuesday evening for my mom’s so I called Camryn’s doctor yet again. Jay took her and she had an ear infection. I managed to work on Tuesday and Jay stayed home with both kids. Every time I talked to Jay he said Camryn was fine…..

He brought the kids to me after work and we took out for Oklahoma. Camryn immediately started crying. Cade, completely distraught, said “she’s been doing this all day.” Hmm that was not what her father told me. In that instance I tended to believe Cade over Jay. I was so desperate for her to sleep I stopped at Wal-Mart in Joplin and bought her new bottles. I even let her pick out the kind she wanted. Yes, I am a complete enabler. While we were in Wal-Mart Cade got in a snit. He kept telling me to turn around and go home. I told him it would be fine. Then he asked about running out of gas. I told him we wouldn’t run out of gas. Then he got really distraught and told me that a G6 was the most unsafe car on the market and we didn’t need to be driving it all the way to Oklahoma City. He said that they had watched something about how bad G6’s were that day and they have problems with their brake lights and oil, etc. I really couldn’t disagree with him because I had seen the same thing on the news that morning. I just told him it would be fine…..

We hit the road again and somewhere around Miami I about lost my mind again. I am not exaggerating at all….both of them were full blown sobbing for about 10 miles. And my stupid brakes were messing up again. I asked myself what in the hell I was doing. I thought about turning around but I gritted my teeth, told satan he would not steal my joy and drove on. People complain all the time about distracted driving and cell phone use. I am here to tell you that I have never been as distracted on a cell phone in my life as I was with two sobbing kids in my car. I almost took the Pike Pass lane at my first toll booth. Thankfully I got it over in time and into the right lane. Getting arrested for driving through a toll booth might have put a damper on things. I was also constantly switching out bottles for Camryn. One second she’d want milk, another it was water, then she’d want tea, etc. Cade was limited help because he was in the fetal position being drove crazy by her crying. I can’t really blame him…it is hard enough for an adult to handle the type of crying she had all day and night – can you imagine what it was like for him?

Finally we hit Tulsa (2 hours into the drive) and she passed out. Oh I also forgot to mention the sun was in her eyes. The whole way. We got some blissful silence for about an hour…until we hit the last toll booth. Camryn woke up and asked for chicken nuggets. Why else would I be stopped handing someone money out the car window???? The last 30 minutes weren’t as bad as earlier, but she was not a happy camper.

Things were so-so until bed time. During the night I swear her fever got back to 104. I had to go to Walgreens at 12:30 and get Tylenol. I ended up visiting that Walgreens 4 times Wednesday…Tylenol, Benadryl for a bite that swelled up and had fever in it, drop off a new ear prescription, pick up the prescription. After Camryn puked in my mom’s car Wednesday morning we headed to urgent care. They thought the shot she had Monday didn’t take care of the ear infection so I had more liquid medicine to give her. I may have cried a little in the doctors office telling them I hadn’t slept in 3 days.

The rest of the trip was a lot of fun and the drive home was loads better than going. But things are still intense. By Sunday night I could feel my work anxiety coming back, but I wasn’t sure what was worse. The thought of going to work on Monday or staying with Camryn another day?

So I’ve been praying. A lot. I’m trying to work through this anxiety…but it is difficult. Once satan finds your weak spot he doesn’t let up easily. But I will get through it…..hopefully with my sanity still in tact.  If I could just get a full nights sleep I think that would make a huge difference.  I'm going on about 8 days of very little sleep.  Some of it is Camryn.....some of it is anxiety.....