Adoption

It's been awhile since I've talked about adoption here.  I think we are slowly starting to realize that Camryn is really ours now.  No more waiting on emails or phone calls or worrying about going on vacation and missing a chance to be shown.  It's been slow to sink in.  I guess when waiting has been such a large/long part of your life it will take some time to realize you aren't doing it any more. 

But just because the wait is over doesn't mean the adoption part is over.   Sometimes I get comments from people, who I know mean well, but they seem to think that because we are done with the agency means we are done with adoption.  Hello...Camryn is adopted.  It will always be a part of our life.

 How much of a role it will play in our day to day lives is still to be determined.   Jay and I don't talk about it much now, but as Camryn gets older and can understand we will talk about it more.  I think there is a fine line that you have to balance.  I want her to know that we will talk about it as much or as little as she wants, I want her to feel comfortable and secure in her place in our family but I don't want adoption to define her.  I don't want her to feel like she always has to tell people she is adopted, or stand out as the "adopted" girl in her class.  My #1 prayer for her is that she will view adoption as just a part of what makes Camryn Camryn...much like her hair and eye color and the sound of her voice.  Just one of those things that mixed together make us who we are.  I'm not smart enough to know how to do that so I pray.  A lot.

We also signed an agreement to provide the agency with monthly updates her first year and then yearly after that.  A popular statement made by others since finalization has been "you aren't going to do those any more are you".  Yes, I'm still doing the monthly updates.  Jay and I agreed to do it and we plan to uphold that.  No, I'm not real speedy with them.  Since I know that Camryn's birthfamily isn't reading them I don't feel as much pressure to get them there quickly, but they are getting done.  I feel that it could be important for Camryn someday to see that we made every effort we could with her birthfamily.  I  know that C, Camryn's birthmom knows that at anytime she can contact the agency to see them.  If she does decide to do that someday I want them to be up to date.  I don't want either C or Camryn to think we quit thinking about it once we got what we "wanted". 

Adoption definitely adds a different aspect to parenting.  Besides all the normal issues this adds a whole bunch of other things to think about.  There isn't hardly a day that goes by that I don't think about Camryn's birthfamily.  I do wish I knew them.  I wish I could talk to them so I could get an idea of their personalities, their likes/dislikes, their talents, etc.  I really wish I had some pictures of them.  I have to think that Camryn will wonder who she looks like some day.  I would love to have something to show her.  Also, after she was sick last week, I started thinking more about her health history.  I feel like we have a decent history of what her birthfamily knew up to when she was born, but with no contact it doesn't go beyond that.  I can't ask them questions if issues were to come up.  But then I did try to twist it into a mental positive.  Maybe that will be a good thing someday?  How many times have health issues been overlooked because there wasn't a family history of it?  It is like Camryn has a blank slate so a doctor won't be able to just assume anything.

 But there is also a totally selfish part that is glad I'm not dealing with a birthfamily.  It's a small part but it is there (don't hate me, just being honest).  I'm struggling with working full time, taking care of the household duties and having a baby.  I think it's hitting me even harder this time than it did with Cade because I didn't think it would be bad.  That could be a whole other post of its own, but I thought I was more prepared this time (wrong!!!).  With all of the normal day to day life stuff I can't imagine having to arrange visits and keeping the birthfamily up to date right now.  I know that if we had an open adoption I'd manage it - it's just hard to imagine it right now.