How We Are Doing…

Thought I'd give an update on how we have been doing the past week. I really try hard not to whine on the blog, but I think I will today. Mostly because I want to have a written record of what we went through on this (extremely) long journey. So if you don't want to read whining you can check back in a few days. I'm sure I'll have some good Biker Roundup stories to share.

Last Wednesday, going home from work, I got a message from Mary (the Light House case worker). There was a baby boy, already born, and the family wanted to look at profiles. He appeared to be healthy and there were no known health/drug concerns. The only "catch" with this one was that the baby didn't have insurance. The adoptive family would be responsible for his hospital cost. Since he was healthy and only stayed the normal two days that most newborns stay it didn't appear the cost would be too much. Basically though at this point most families who have waited anywhere near what we have would say yes if the caseworker told them the cost would be $1M over the normal placement fee. We had to let Mary know by 10:00 am Thursday morning, the day before the blood test.

We went back and forth some on what to do. Of course we wanted to be shown but what did we do about the fact I had three embryos transferred a week ago. Did we tell Mary and let her make the decision on if we could be shown – taking the risk that we could have a negative test and miss out on the opportunity to be shown? Did we not say anything and hope for the best? Did we not say anything and risk having the baby taken from us before finalization if I did become pregnant, etc. There were lots of things to consider.

I talked to Mary Thursday morning and she was ok with showing us, as long as we could handle two babies just 9 months apart. That was a little scary, but of course we agreed and knew we'd be fine.

After the negative test on Friday one thing that kept me going was this situation. We still had some hope that the weekend could turn out good. Monday morning though I got an e-mail saying another family had been chosen. We still had a little hope though because I knew there was still a mother with Bethany that hadn't made a decision. In fact I had received an e-mail from Aimee at Bethany saying that mother hadn't made a decision yet. When I first saw the subject line on the e-mail I thought "not today, I can't take another one!" I was so relieved that it wasn't us not being picked. The You weren't picked e-mail didn't come until 4:45pm Monday. I had already left work for the day so I didn't find out about that one until Tuesday morning. I'm glad that's the way it worked out because really, being rejected once a day is about all I can handle right now. By the time it happened Tuesday I was at the "this is just becoming ridiculous" place so I tolerated it pretty well. I think Jay was at that same place to so we were both "ok". Not that you're ever ok with disappointment, but there is a part of you that becomes use to it. You just pick up and move on and pray the next situation is yours.

We also made some decisions over the weekend. We have decided to wait until November for the next transfer. Things in our lives have been very crazy since the failed placement in February. Not that anyone's lives, including our own are stressfee – but we've been on a huge emotional roller coaster since then concerning the adoption. Or maybe I should say I've been on the emotional roller coaster because a lot of mine have been manipulated by the hormomes…But we had the failed placement, then the next day got the NEDC call, then we spent some time healing from the loss, about the time we were doing ok we got the phone call in April about the baby in St Louis that we just knew was going to be ours – instead he went to foster care, then I started the hormones, then we went to Knoxville and found out we could be in the July transfer (surely that was a sign, wasn't it??) then we picked out embryos and started the medical protocol, then we went from the potential of 5 babies to zero in a matter of days all while trying to open a business and work our other regular 40+ hour a week jobs. I think we need a break.

I should be able to remain unmedicated for about a month. I'm going to call the NEDC in a few days, but from my calculations I shouldn't have to start the BC Pills until the end of the month. I'm looking forward to a month of trying to flush that stuff out of my system, you know …just in time to put it back in for November. I think we or at least I need some time to just "be". Or at least "be" as much as the normal craziness of day to day life will allow a person.

It has probably also helped that this week has been extremely busy so it's taken our minds off of a lot of the disappointments. We've had our cattle in Springfield for the Ozark Empire Fair Monday-Wednesday and then Jay has been criss-crossing the state because The Icebox is at an event in Columbia. He's at the National Biker's Roundup getting an education right now. I won't lie though – sometimes I will be sitting at my desk and my heart will start to hurt if my mind wanders to the events of the last several months, but I'd say the majority of the time I'm ok. We will get through this.

So I just wanted to write this down because I hope someday I can read this and think "wow, when we were going through that our child was ____________ " …conceived, mother found out she was pregnant, family finally decided to donate the embryos, etc. Oh what a story we will have to tell someday!