Walnuts and Football

Poor Cade has been quite slighted on the blog as of late. Not that he’s not doing funny things….I either can’t remember what he told me or if I do remember it’s not something I necessarily want other people to hear. He has this way of asking us questions that are so funny, but usually best to keep within the family.


This fall he decided to go into the walnut business. We have several walnut trees in our backyard and they dropped a ton of nuts this year. He went out several evenings and filled 7 feed sacks. A couple of weeks ago they sold them and Cade made $7. When he and Jay got home they worked together and got a truck load of them. Cade ended up with $25 total for his 2011 walnut business. After selling the 2nd batch Cade asked Jay how much he owed Jay for helping him. Jay told him he only wanted a drink. They stopped at Casey’s and Cade thought and thought about if he wanted to get himself a drink. He had a hard time parting with one of his dollars. Funny how it’s different when it’s mom and dad buying a drink vs his own money.

This past weekend Cade got to go to the Razorback/Tennessee game with Jay. I think he had a good time. I kept getting texts from Jay during the game….this boy will talk to anyone who breathes….he’s heckling a Tennessee fan, that’s my boy…Apparently Jay had to tell him to give the people in front of them a break every so often. Cade was talking their legs off. Closer to the end of the game, after the crowd started clearing out, they met up with one of Jay’s old HS/College friends and were able to get closer to the field. From what I saw on Facebook, Cade talked to almost everyone in section 113. After the game was over Jay turned around to tell Cade it was time to go and Cade was gone. He weaseled his way in front of some people and was shaking hands with the players as they walked by. Cade got to shake Tyler Wilson’s hand. I think there was talk about never getting rid of the glove he was wearing. Maybe he’s going to be a politician? Cade also got to see Tusk, the real Razorback they bring to the games.  He loves to look at that strange looking creature.

I love the baby stage with my kids, but I’m also loving this age. It’s nice to be able to do things with Cade that’s actually fun and doesn’t involve telling him No over and over or chasing him down while he’s at a dead run and I’m sweating to death. I’ve noticed for about the last year we’ve been able to have more adult like conversations with Cade. He’s also starting to develop a sense of humor that is a lot like mine. That’s also a lot of fun because we pick up on a lot of the same things and can laugh about them together. He also has so many quirks that are so much like me that it makes me laugh because I know exactly what he’s talking about. He told me that someone asked him a question a few weeks ago that made him nervous and he got a funny feeling in the back of his neck. I knew exactly what he was talking about – and I knew why the question bothered him…he didn’t know how to answer it. Even though we are a lot alike one thing he did not get from me is his talking ability. Jay and I still haven’t quite figured that one out. But we are so interested to see how this will all mix together and what kind of man he’ll turn out to be.

Parenting Skills

Last night when I got home I sat down on the couch in our family room and took Camryn out of her carrier and handed her to Jay. I went to change my clothes and then started on dinner. About that time Jay asked Cade to hand him the snot sucker. Cade went through the furniture at a weird angle and tripped over the carseat. It was one of those things that turned into a big thing. I heard him angrily ask Jay who left the carseat there. Jay ignored him at first. Cade asked again so Jay told him that Camryn had left it there. Cade(getting more mad by the moment) said it was not her. Jay then told him that I was the one that left it there. I told Jay thanks for selling me out. Well of course Cade got mad at me because it hurt. Then out of the blue he asks me if I knew that Missouri ranked 48th. I asked in what? Whiny kids? That made him even madder. Jay started whispering to me to keep asking him what they ranked 48th in. Cade just kept saying don’t you know? Don’t you know anything? Of course Jay and I were rolling because Cade was so mad. I guess he heard something on the radio that Missouri ranked 48th in and he thought we should know, even though he didn’t know what it was for. He’d already gone through this routine with Jay. By this point Cade was a blubbering mess on the floor. Jay and I weren’t even bothering to hide our laughter at this point. The whole deal was so ridiculous. Then Camryn started laughing at him and that made us laugh even more. But at least when Camryn started laughing Cade did the laughing while crying thing.


I’d decided I’d have enough of that and went back to the kitchen to start dinner again. Camryn then chose to get fussy. When she cries she has real tears that pour down her f ace. She also had a snotty nose yesterday so when she cried her nose got really snotty. Her head also turns bright red when she gets mad. Jay decided to come in the kitchen with her. He was going to help me so he opened the freezer door. He hit Camryn’s head with it. It wasn’t hard enough to do any damage, but she is so dramatic about anything like that. She always has about a 3 second pause when something like that happens before the tears really flow. Jay and I just looked at each other and he said “oh no” and then the tears started flying….and Jay and I laughed some more. I almost took a picture of her but then I thought that might be too pitiful….bright red face and head, tears pouring down her face and snot running everywhere. With her parents laughing in the background. I told Jay not to worry about it. The night before I scraped her hand on the pantry door. She did the same thing but quickly recovered, which is exactly what she did last night.

Finally all the tears from both kids dried up and we were able to eat dinner. While we were eating Jay asked Cade if he knew that Camryn ranked 54th. Cade asked in what. Jay said don’t you know? Don’t you know anything? (it’s funnier when you hear the imitation Jay does of Cade). But anyway that was our life last night.

One thing Jay and I’ve definitely learned over the years is that you can never take yourself too seriously as a parent. Sometime you just have to laugh because there is nothing else you can do. They will get mad at you, they will get hurt…sometimes unintentionally by you…but the tears dry quickly…thankfully!

Adoption Ramblings

Lately I’ve been struggling with what to type on the blog. I’ve got so many posts swirling around in my head but I don’t have the time to get them down. I’ve also got many, many pictures to post, but I can’t seem to get to that either. I’m also not getting to the laundry, the dishes, or the bathrooms either so at least I’m across the board with my neglectfulness.

I’ve had a lot of adoption thoughts going around and around. Not so much about our adoption, but things that I read on other blogs. I don’t know if its jealously (because some of these people wait all of 3 minutes, even though I know our wait was perfect), if it’s a been there done that sort of cringing when I see what they write about their matches….I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something bothers me about it. A lot. I’ve started several posts to try to sort out these feelings, but I never post them. And honestly, it is their blog and they can do what they want. I just wonder about others who are waiting reading these blogs and thinking its ok to say in internet land exactly what you want? And that all adoptions are just rosy posy and they will love the birthmothers and have such a connection with them etc.

I know we told a lot of people in real life (not on the blog or FB) about our 1st match. We were so excited we couldn’t contain ourselves. Looking back I don’t know that I’d necessarily change anything about it. I really believe we told so many people because God knew we were going to need those prayers when the match failed. When we had our 2nd failed match we pretty much only told a few close friends and immediate family. Again, that seemed to be the perfect amount because we didn’t have to tell a lot of people but we still had prayers and support that awful day when we left Baby C at the hospital. I know that it was the prayers from every one that helped us get through those 2 matches. So I’m not against telling people at all. I just wonder if some people tell too much?

A couple of these blogs are matched with babies not due for a few months. They announce names and due dates, etc. I really worry about these families because they seem to be so attached to these babies already. What happens if it falls through? I know that pain and I hate to see anyone else go through it. And in our cases we had stayed somewhat detached….didn’t announce names (except Baby C because he was already named by his birthmom and only to the friends/family we told)….only bought a few baby necessities, etc. These families are planning showers for those particular babies. Ahh, I just cringe for them because if it doesn’t happen I couldn’t imagine dealing with all of that stuff.

With our first loss we were matched for about 10 days. We spent 3 or 4 days in Illinois waiting to get him. We had to kill some time so we went to Springfield, Ill to the Lincoln museum. I’ve rarely looked at those pictures, but when I do it makes me a little sick. Even now. Mostly because I can remember the feel of the extreme amount of stress we were under at that moment. A person there volunteered to take our picture together and you can see the stress on all of our faces. We were waiting on a phone call from Illinois DCFS that never came. All of that was bad enough. I can’t imagine sitting through a shower opening gifts for a specific baby I’m waiting on that may or may not come home with me. I know those memories will be with you forever. I don’t think I’d want to remember a shower for a baby that was never meant to be. I also think about their families, if the matches don’t go through they will also hurt. That was a big reason why we waited to tell our families for as long as we did with Camryn. We wanted to avoid the hurt/stress for them for as long as we could.

Sometimes I also wonder if these families really don’t understand how hard it is all going to be once the baby is born. How hard it is to use a name for a child that may not be yours? How hard it is to hold them and want to love them with your whole heart but yet you are terrified. More terrified than you’ve ever been in your life? Or you sit there holding this sweet bundle and your heart is breaking for the mother who is on a different floor so she won’t have to see all of the happy new parents on the OB floor. Or you’re at the hospital and you have to go to the cafeteria and you are so nervous waiting for the elevator to show up and then again when it opens because you don’t want to accidentally run into the birth parents because they didn’t want to meet you and you don’t want to cause them anymore pain. It is so so hard.

Even once TPR is signed and you’re 6 weeks (as of today) away from finalization it’s still hard. I would say that since our adoption is closed it probably hasn’t been as hard for us as it is some families. I think when you have a more open relationship you are probably reminded more of the pain the birthfamilies go through. In some ways we are “lucky” to not have that. But Camryn is so sweet right now. When she looks at me with her paci in her mouth and her big blue eyes it makes me teary for C. I know she did what she thought was best and our lives are so blessed because of it, but Wow…how did she do it? How could she physically/mentally do what she did?

Sometimes I really wonder if having a year long mandatory wait wouldn’t be a bad idea for adoptions, at least with your first one. I know that our long wait made Jay and I learn more and more about the adoption process. I look back on how we were our first year and I know our wait will make us better adoptive parents. I know many would disagree with me on that point, but it’s just my opinion. Sometimes waiting isn’t all bad.

Adoption is so much more than getting that match and posting it and ultrasound pics and names on FB and a blog and then bringing home a baby XX months later. I wonder if some of these parents realize that to the extent they should? Do they keep in mind that until TPR is signed and in place (which differs from state to state and even county to county) that baby is not theirs?  I just really don't know.  And I don't know who is at fault.  Is it the adoptive parents in denial or do the agencies gloss over the fact that things aren't always perfect and nothing with adoption is guaranteed?  Or maybe I'm just a cynical mean person trying to ruin their day.  I'm just really not sure.

Halloween 2011

Another Halloween is in the books.  I was always pretty neutral about Halloween growing up, but after we had Cade I started to enjoy it more and more.  Also, it is kind of the unofficial start to the holiday season in my mind so that brings along a little extra excitment for me.    I liked being able to search and find the perfect costume for Cade when he was younger.  Then once he got older and we were able to spend it in Fayetteville the last 3 years it was more fun.  Being able to walk around Nana and Granddad's neighborhood was great.  This year we weren't able to go to Fayetteville since it was on a Monday and Cade has school today, but we still had a great time.  This year I talked Cade into letting me make up a costume instead of buying one.  After last years SWAT team costume (awful, awful, awful) I decided we were done buying them for him.  I'm not sure why he came up with a Scarecrow, but it worked out really well.  I had a pair of m Granddad's old overalls and Pampa's flannel shirt.  We stuffed the pockets with hay (because we didn't have any straw) and made a candy bag out of a feed sack.  I also took a feed sack and made something that went around his head to make it look like a scarecrow head.  I got brown face paint hoping it would match the paper around his head.  It was a little dark so it looked like he fell face first in mud, but it was ok.  He was pleased, Jay and I had fun putting it together.  Halloween was a success! 








I decided not to dress Camryn in a costume this year.  For years I've seen all of the cute holiday clothes for girls and I've drooled over most of them.  Instead of a costume I wanted a cute outfit..  I found some material and made this one for her.  She seemed to think it was ok.  Next year though we may start in on the Disney princesses.  I tried to convince Cade he could go as Prince Charming.  So far he's not too taken with the idea.  I still have a whole year to convince him. 



We were trying to get a picture of Camryn's outfit before we took it off last night.  She was full of funny faces and smiles.





















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Hungry??

Over the last few days Camryn has really been interested in watching us eat. I forgot how pitiful babies can look when they do that.... and how guilty it makes me feel. Even though I know she can't even eat it yet. It doesn't seem to bother Cade. He teased her with pizza today.






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Wednesday

Wednesday was a big day for Camryn.  I have to post it because I'm afraid I'll forget it.  I was telling a friend from work and I got confused on what day it even was.  I'm positive it was Wednesday....well, almost positive....

That morning Jay had to drive a bus so it was just the 3 of us.  I was burning up that morning so I was in the family room under the fan putting on my makeup.  Does anyone else feel like their skin is melting off of them sometimes in the morning when they are getting ready?  Is is just me?  Anyway,  I put Camryn on her jungle gym thing on her tummy and she popped over to her back.  I had a little party for her.  I clapped and got all excited.  Cade wanted to know what was going on so we turned her back over and she performed on command again.  Then we both clapped for her.  She loved it....and we haven't been able to get her to do it since.  She won't do it again for Jay.  When I dropped her off that morning I told Stacy we had a big day already.

When I picked her up Stacy said Camryn's day had gotten bigger.  Stacy found a tooth!  I can't get a picture of it because it's so tiny and she has her tongue over it all the time.  But I can feel it.     

Just some stuff from the past week....

Last week Jay went to National FFA Convention with around 30 HS kids.  Lyle, his teaching partner, left a few days earlier with the boys competing in the national forestry competition.  Jay was the lucky one who got to ride a school bus to Indianapolis with the HS kids along with Jania, Lyle's wife. We didn't talk much while Jay was gone.  When they were at the hotel he was busy and when they were on the bus it was too loud.  But I did get a text Friday evening, along with half of Lawrence county I'm sure - Lyle's forestry team won 1st place!!!!  That is very exciting!  Lyle and Jay both work very hard and spend countless hours away from home with other people's kids.  I think some people don't realize exactly how much time they spend away from home (and their own children).  I love it when it pays off and others can see exactly how hard they do work.

While Jay was gone I had to go on an overnight work trip.  Thankfully my mom was able to go so I got to take Camryn.  I didn't want to wrestle the pack-n-play so Camryn slept with me in the big bed.  Actually, the pack-n-play wouldn't have fit in the car.  If anyone thinks that so many people have SUV's now because we are a spoiled gas guzzling society, they obviously don't have kids and can drive a Prius.  I put Camryn's stroller and mom's suitcase in the trunk.  That's all that would fit there.  In the back seat I had my suitcase on the floorboard behind my seat and my purse in the backseat.  On the other side of Camryn we had her diaper bag and another bag with extra bottles and formula.  Somehow we did manage to fit her in the car, but it was tight.  Oh for the days of those enormous 2 door cars in the 80's.  You know the kind where the backseat was the size of a small playground and shutting the door was like closing the hatch on a tank.  Those were the good old days....but my car is paid for so we are just going to have to keep squeezing in it, no matter how uncomfortable we all are....I digressed there - the size of my car is not what I had planned to write about.   Camryn and I shared a bed while we were gone.  I think I'm a million times more relaxed with her in every other way, except her bed time routine.  Somehow Cade got ruined at a young age and I am determined to not ruin Camryn.  I love my kids.  But I love them even more when they are in their beds and I'm in mine.  Nine years of waking up drenched in sweat, pushed up close to Jay with my body so twisted it feels like my kidney is in knots and it taking a moment for me to figure out why - Cade has once again got in our bed - will do that to anyone.  I thought things might still be ok because Camryn looked me up and down all Thursday night.  She had a look on her face that said "why are you in my bed".  When she woke up the next morning she looked almost irritated to find me still in her bed.  I figured we had lucked out and she wouldn't have issues going back to her own bed when we got home.  Prior to last week I think she's only gotten back out of bed once or twice after I put her down her whole life.  The last two nights she's cried after I've put her to bed.  This has required me to put her in our bed until she falls asleep then I transfer her to her bed.  It doesn't take long to ruin them does it? I really hope she grows out of this phase.  I'm not sure my kidney has another 9 years of being twisted left in it. 

Cade has decided he's going to pick up walnuts to earn some money.  Yesterday he filled up a feed sack.  Jay thought that was about 50 lbs of walnuts.  We were trying to take a little nap yesterday.  At least as much of a nap as you can get with a 4.5 month old.  I had to get up anyway so I went outside to check on Cade.  I caught him lugging the sack of walnuts through the yard.  He told me the story of what he was doing....he was in the field with the show heifer and bull picking up walnuts.  The new heifer was so friendly she walked right up to him and licked him.  Then he said he was using his pocketknife to cut the stems off of the walnuts.  I told him to be careful and then went back inside.  It dawned on me this morning, when I saw the pocketknife on the counter, that nothing  Cade told me actually registered with me.  Cade was in a pen with the cattle, by himself, using a knife.  He freely told me what he was doing.  I patted him on the head and went back inside.  Yeah, I'm up for mother of the year.  Jay's also up for father of the year.  He's the one who gave Cade the pocketknife.  I guess though I should be thankful.  At least the pocketknife was on the kitchen counter....not still in his pocket on it's way to school.