I’ve had this blog for 1 ½ years and I’ve always tried to steer of the topic I’m going to post about today. My parents are separated and have been for almost three years. I’ve never mentioned much about it on here because I’m a Peacekeeper. I don’t like to hurt feelings or make people feel worse than they already do. I like to go along not rocking the boat and running myself ragged trying to make everyone else happy. Most of the time this is done at the expense of my own sanity. Things have been rough on Jay and I the last four years. Not only have we been struggling with the pain of infertility we’ve also struggled with the hurt of watching my family crumble around us. I keep telling myself at least we have our health. That is something I repeat daily sometimes several times in one day to keep from completely losing my mind. That’s why I freak out when one of us gets the sniffles –if one of us were loose our health too how would I survive?
I read something one time about the difference between a Peacekeeper and a Peacemaker. A Peacekeeper tries to keep the peace by whatever means they can. A Peacemaker makes peace by their actions. Sometimes they may not be popular with what they have to say but it’s the truth. I’m going to take a leap here to the side of the Peacemaker and make a statement - My parents have let Satan get a grip on them and at this point he is the only one who is victorious…not Charity and I, not their grandchildren and certainly not my parents. We are in a lose-lose situation and generations of our family will be affected.
A couple of weeks ago I came across the title of a book called I Do Again by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. Connected to this book in Amazon was a blog written by Cheryl. I clicked on a random blog entry and read this. That fits our family to a T. Not only did it speak to me about the family situation but also about some doubt I was having about the adoption. Are we seeking our own timetable or God’s? Why do we put time limits and constraints on things that are out of our control? Cheryl challenges us to ponder Deuteronomy 8:1-10. You can read it here.
I read it this morning and it brought me to tears. It reminds me that God is leading me through this to humble me so that when he brings me out I will praise Him for what He has given me. He will do for me what He did for the Israelites thousands of years ago. Why can’t my parents see that the Lord is with them? We have to do this on God’s timeframe and not our own.
Tomorrow night Charity and I have a joint counseling session with my parents. In my heart I know we are going to be discussing how things will be after divorce. I’m 31 (almost 32) years old and I get physically ill seeing the breakup of my family. This is selfish, but I also get ill thinking about holidays and birthdays and all those other family events. What will happen now? I have never in my life hated satan as much as I do right now, but honestly I’ve never felt his presence as much as I do right now either.
We could all use your thoughts and prayers over the next few days. Please pray that God softens my parents hearts towards each other, their marriage and towards Charity and I and the couple counseling us. Please pray that Charity and I and the couple we are meeting with have the wisdom to say the right things and that we all speak in love and not anger.
I’ll leave this somewhat jumbled post with a few thoughts on marriage. You can check out this post on stuffchristianslike about marriage. It is a good reminder that just because you feel like your marriage is secure doesn’t mean that you can quit working on it. That’s when satan attacks. We all know that he likes nothing better than to break up Christian marriages. I’ll leave you with a comment from that post that I think is a good reminder for those couples who say they’ve fallen out of love with their spouse. Everything we do is a choice and we have to decide if it’s worth fighting for or not. For me, my family is worth fighting for….even if it means waiting on God’s perfect time instead of my own timetable.
The best marriage advice I ever received was at my wedding shower when my grandma looked at me and told me, "You will fall in and out of love with your husband many many times during your marriage. The only thing that matters are the choices you make inbetween those times. And don't worry during those 'dry spells'. You will always always ALWAYS fall back into love."
It was so interesting to hear her say that. Her 50th Wedding Anniversary is coming up soon, and I have to tell you that advice coming from a woman like her isn't anything I would take lightly……….love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. What you do when you aren't feeling 'lovey dovey' is the measure of your integrity within your marriage. No matter what is going on between the two of you, if you trust Jesus and maintain that he is your Savior, he will help you reach level ground with your spouse again. He requires us to love with purpose and decision, not to love passively and with a hope that the warm fuzzy 'feelings' will carry us through the tough moments. from comment on stufffchristianslike.com
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Why Cade Will Never Like France....
It’s all my fault. But it was an innocent error on my part.
Last night I met Jay and Cade at Mazzios. Jay had a meeting at the school at 7:00 pm, I had a really busy/stressful day at work and….. well…. Um…. our house was trashed. There I’ve admitted it. I was gone all weekend and got home late Monday night. Jay tried the best that he could but it overtook us sometime Monday night. I didn’t have it in me to try and cook then clean the house so we ate pizza instead.
On the way home from Mazzios I made the mistake of asking Cade what he wanted for his birthday. Gone are the days of simple answers like a train or a tractor or a fire truck. He hummed and hawed around for awhile and then started saying something about Lego Batman and Mr Freeze. His favorite Wii game is Lego Batman and he is constantly talking about it. When I say constantly I mean constantly. If he’s not talking about it, it’s because he’s playing it and he’s having us come in the room to watch different parts of the game. Even though I’ve played every level with him I have to watch it over and over and over. When Cade started in on it last night I thought he was talking about the game. Of course he gave me the “you’re dumb, I’m frustrated” sigh and told me he’d have to show me on the computer.
As soon as we got home he booted up the computer and got on the Lego site. Yes, he did it all by himself and yes, it is a little scary. He clicked around and finally he showed me what it was he wanted. It was a Lego Batman, Batmobile and Mr Freeze sitting on the thing that he uses to freeze everyone. It was Cade’s dream toy, at least for this particular day. I had never seen one before so I clicked on the Shop button to see where I could get one and how much it cost. It didn’t look too bad in terms of Lego pieces….I didn’t think it would make Jay cry….at least not too much anyway. I was looking around on the screen but I couldn’t see a price anywhere. Finally in big red writing I spotted the words that brought an end to Cade’s dream of owning this toy. It said Sorry, item is not available in this country: United States. No wonder I hadn’t seen it, it doesn’t exist here.
Cade was so disappointed about it. He cried and cried and kept asking over and over why it wasn’t available. I kept telling him I didn’t know why, which was the truth. He wasn’t satisfied with the truth because he kept hounding me. Finally I told him a lie to get him off of my back. I said it was because of those crazy French, they won’t sell them in the USA. I wasn’t picking on France, it just happened to be the first country that popped in my head. Obviously they are sold in another country…I just don’t know which one.
Like every lie told, even small innocent lies, it always comes back to bite you. Now instead of wondering why the toy wasn’t sold here, Cade wanted to know why we never go to France. I know he was thinking we could just zip over there and buy one of these things. At this point I was trying to work on the house and he was following me around firing France/Lego Batman questions at me like there was no tomorrow. Finally he got tired of me answering I don’t know to everything and he went back to the computer to study the toy some more.
Later in the evening, as I was practically standing on my head trying to reach the trash can in our bathroom Cade came in with his conclusion to the problem. It was already out of my mind because I was focusing on my own house issues so I was a little confused at first when he said “Mom, it must be because of France”. “Batman’s suit is different and Mr Freeze is a lighter shade of blue than on the game.” “Yes, it’s all France’s fault that I can’t have that toy”. Not only does being a parent take a lot of patience it also takes a lot of self-control to keep from laughing when your kid can see you. Sometimes it’s really hard to wait until they leave the room.
Last night I met Jay and Cade at Mazzios. Jay had a meeting at the school at 7:00 pm, I had a really busy/stressful day at work and….. well…. Um…. our house was trashed. There I’ve admitted it. I was gone all weekend and got home late Monday night. Jay tried the best that he could but it overtook us sometime Monday night. I didn’t have it in me to try and cook then clean the house so we ate pizza instead.
On the way home from Mazzios I made the mistake of asking Cade what he wanted for his birthday. Gone are the days of simple answers like a train or a tractor or a fire truck. He hummed and hawed around for awhile and then started saying something about Lego Batman and Mr Freeze. His favorite Wii game is Lego Batman and he is constantly talking about it. When I say constantly I mean constantly. If he’s not talking about it, it’s because he’s playing it and he’s having us come in the room to watch different parts of the game. Even though I’ve played every level with him I have to watch it over and over and over. When Cade started in on it last night I thought he was talking about the game. Of course he gave me the “you’re dumb, I’m frustrated” sigh and told me he’d have to show me on the computer.
As soon as we got home he booted up the computer and got on the Lego site. Yes, he did it all by himself and yes, it is a little scary. He clicked around and finally he showed me what it was he wanted. It was a Lego Batman, Batmobile and Mr Freeze sitting on the thing that he uses to freeze everyone. It was Cade’s dream toy, at least for this particular day. I had never seen one before so I clicked on the Shop button to see where I could get one and how much it cost. It didn’t look too bad in terms of Lego pieces….I didn’t think it would make Jay cry….at least not too much anyway. I was looking around on the screen but I couldn’t see a price anywhere. Finally in big red writing I spotted the words that brought an end to Cade’s dream of owning this toy. It said Sorry, item is not available in this country: United States. No wonder I hadn’t seen it, it doesn’t exist here.
Cade was so disappointed about it. He cried and cried and kept asking over and over why it wasn’t available. I kept telling him I didn’t know why, which was the truth. He wasn’t satisfied with the truth because he kept hounding me. Finally I told him a lie to get him off of my back. I said it was because of those crazy French, they won’t sell them in the USA. I wasn’t picking on France, it just happened to be the first country that popped in my head. Obviously they are sold in another country…I just don’t know which one.
Like every lie told, even small innocent lies, it always comes back to bite you. Now instead of wondering why the toy wasn’t sold here, Cade wanted to know why we never go to France. I know he was thinking we could just zip over there and buy one of these things. At this point I was trying to work on the house and he was following me around firing France/Lego Batman questions at me like there was no tomorrow. Finally he got tired of me answering I don’t know to everything and he went back to the computer to study the toy some more.
Later in the evening, as I was practically standing on my head trying to reach the trash can in our bathroom Cade came in with his conclusion to the problem. It was already out of my mind because I was focusing on my own house issues so I was a little confused at first when he said “Mom, it must be because of France”. “Batman’s suit is different and Mr Freeze is a lighter shade of blue than on the game.” “Yes, it’s all France’s fault that I can’t have that toy”. Not only does being a parent take a lot of patience it also takes a lot of self-control to keep from laughing when your kid can see you. Sometimes it’s really hard to wait until they leave the room.
P.S. The picture on the post is what he wants. If anyone happens to travel to "France" and sees this let me know.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Valentines Update
Yes, the spaceship box was a big hit in the world of 1st grade on Friday. Cade said everyone thought it was “awesome”. Score one for Jay on the box.
Cade was still sickly feeling on Thursday night and again Friday morning so we Tylenoled him up and sent him to school anyway. 1) it was a bad day for both of us to try and get off work and 2) none of us wanted Cade to miss his party. Jay took the medicine with him so that if the school called he’d have it with him. After school Jay gave him another dose of it. That evening Cade started getting fussy again. Jay and I talked about if we should dose him before bed. We came to the conclusion that we needed to know if he really was getting sick so we needed to let the medication wear off to see what was really going on.
Sure enough, about 3:00 Saturday morning I awoke to incoherent babbling coming from Cade’s room. I checked and he did indeed have a fever. He wanted me to lay down with him for awhile, which I did. He was tossing and turning so finally we got up and watched some TV. Once the Motrin started kicking in he settled down and we finally got back to sleep. Cade had been complaining of a sore throat so that combined with the fever and his other symptoms made us take him to Urgent Care on Saturday. We were sure he had strep.
So Saturday, Valentine’s Day, we spent a large chunk of our day in the Urgent Care. By the looks of the place there were a whole lot of other parents with the same Valentine’s Day plans as us. There were a ton of sick kids there. Finally we got to see the doctor, got the diagnosis of strep and are now on 14 days worth of antibiotics. Again. We just did this a month ago. As a side vent here - why do doctors ask parents of school aged sick kids if their kids have been around anyone that's sick. Do you ask before you go on a crusie if you'll be around water? He's in the 1st grade I assume germs are passed around on a hourly basis.
I believe Jay and I managed to expose Mrs S’s entire 1st grade class to strep on Friday…not to mention any parent or younger sibling that might have attended the party. I think giving him the Tylenol Thursday night/Friday morning kept him from getting a fever which would’ve clued us in to the fact he really was sick.
But at least I was smart enough Friday night to suggest that Jay cut off the end of Cade’s corndog before he finished it off…..
Cade was still sickly feeling on Thursday night and again Friday morning so we Tylenoled him up and sent him to school anyway. 1) it was a bad day for both of us to try and get off work and 2) none of us wanted Cade to miss his party. Jay took the medicine with him so that if the school called he’d have it with him. After school Jay gave him another dose of it. That evening Cade started getting fussy again. Jay and I talked about if we should dose him before bed. We came to the conclusion that we needed to know if he really was getting sick so we needed to let the medication wear off to see what was really going on.
Sure enough, about 3:00 Saturday morning I awoke to incoherent babbling coming from Cade’s room. I checked and he did indeed have a fever. He wanted me to lay down with him for awhile, which I did. He was tossing and turning so finally we got up and watched some TV. Once the Motrin started kicking in he settled down and we finally got back to sleep. Cade had been complaining of a sore throat so that combined with the fever and his other symptoms made us take him to Urgent Care on Saturday. We were sure he had strep.
So Saturday, Valentine’s Day, we spent a large chunk of our day in the Urgent Care. By the looks of the place there were a whole lot of other parents with the same Valentine’s Day plans as us. There were a ton of sick kids there. Finally we got to see the doctor, got the diagnosis of strep and are now on 14 days worth of antibiotics. Again. We just did this a month ago. As a side vent here - why do doctors ask parents of school aged sick kids if their kids have been around anyone that's sick. Do you ask before you go on a crusie if you'll be around water? He's in the 1st grade I assume germs are passed around on a hourly basis.
I believe Jay and I managed to expose Mrs S’s entire 1st grade class to strep on Friday…not to mention any parent or younger sibling that might have attended the party. I think giving him the Tylenol Thursday night/Friday morning kept him from getting a fever which would’ve clued us in to the fact he really was sick.
But at least I was smart enough Friday night to suggest that Jay cut off the end of Cade’s corndog before he finished it off…..
Friday, February 13, 2009
Happy Valentines Day
Here is the much anticipated Valentines Day Box. Cade was a little sickly last night so we were holding our breath about his going to school today. I don't know which one would've been more disappointed if the rocket ship didn't make it to the party today.
Jay worked wonders with his supplies - Mtn Dew bottle, TP roll, bottle of craft glue (that is the white tip) and aluminum foil. I told Cade he was probably one of the few in his class who's DAD decorated his box.
Jay worked wonders with his supplies - Mtn Dew bottle, TP roll, bottle of craft glue (that is the white tip) and aluminum foil. I told Cade he was probably one of the few in his class who's DAD decorated his box.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Some Encouragement
Here is a follow up to yesterday’s post. Part of my problem yesterday was I tend to carry every one else’s problems around in sack over my shoulder, kind of like Santa. Only instead of toys it’s full of things that are hurting others. When I get down I tend to open up my sack and start sorting though them for some reason. I guess to make myself feel worse. Starting on Tuesday and for the next 24 hours it was like one bad thing after another. I found out that a customer of ours has cancer then we got messages from our church prayer chain. We haven’t had a call on that for quite some time and yesterday we got two. One was one of our older members who has a tumor on her kidney. With all of my kidney issues that always scares me to hear this. They had thought for some time she was having kidney stones….The other call we got was about a young member in our church, I think she’s about 14, who all of a sudden started having problems. She’s in the hospital and they think she has MS. So all of that was swirling around in my head yesterday and I felt very down.
This morning Jay and I were talking about our adoption and what should we do. I go back and forth on if this is really what God wants us to do. Jay doesn’t feel the same way, he thinks it will happen. I never know if it’s God speaking to me or my own pessimistic attitude making me think that we are supposed to be a family of 3. Needless to say I felt discouraged. I’ve felt like God has been so silent on this adoption thing and I’m confused. I prayed this morning to hear something from him, anything that was encouraging.
This morning I got a phone call from the mother-in-law of the customer who has cancer. She was calling about the patronage check that we have been giving to our customers the last couple of years. We are having a customer appreciation day on the 25th to start handing out the checks. She was calling to let us know how great that was but unfortunately she and her husband would be unable to make it. She started telling me that her husband had 5 blockages and had open heart surgery a week ago and then her daughter-in-law had just found out about her breast cancer. I told her not to worry about the checks, I’d mail them out on the 25th. Then I asked her how everyone was doing – she said her husband was doing fine and then she said prayers had been answered about her daughter-in-law. When I first heard about it Tuesday I was told it was the very aggressive type of breast cancer, which really had me down because she has young children. Her mother-in-law said that things were looking much better. At first they had been told it was Stage III and that it had spread to her lungs. They’ve since found out it’s still at Stage III, but it’s only in the lymph nodes. It hasn’t spread anywhere else.
There was the answer to my prayer of God showing me some encouragement today. Not only did I find out things weren’t quite as bad as thought for this lady, her mother-in-law who has got much more on her plate than I do encouraged me. It wasn’t so much that she said anything special but it was just the upbeat way that she spoke about everything. She knows things are still going to be hard for her family but they will get through them.
I’ve never doubted that there is a God or that he doesn’t care about us. Even when things seem quiet I know God is working, but I get so frustrated with it. I told Jay this morning that I could see how some people could really loose their faith during these silent times. I guess when you hear an answer, not matter how small it may be, it makes you really appreciate it after these times of silence.
This morning Jay and I were talking about our adoption and what should we do. I go back and forth on if this is really what God wants us to do. Jay doesn’t feel the same way, he thinks it will happen. I never know if it’s God speaking to me or my own pessimistic attitude making me think that we are supposed to be a family of 3. Needless to say I felt discouraged. I’ve felt like God has been so silent on this adoption thing and I’m confused. I prayed this morning to hear something from him, anything that was encouraging.
This morning I got a phone call from the mother-in-law of the customer who has cancer. She was calling about the patronage check that we have been giving to our customers the last couple of years. We are having a customer appreciation day on the 25th to start handing out the checks. She was calling to let us know how great that was but unfortunately she and her husband would be unable to make it. She started telling me that her husband had 5 blockages and had open heart surgery a week ago and then her daughter-in-law had just found out about her breast cancer. I told her not to worry about the checks, I’d mail them out on the 25th. Then I asked her how everyone was doing – she said her husband was doing fine and then she said prayers had been answered about her daughter-in-law. When I first heard about it Tuesday I was told it was the very aggressive type of breast cancer, which really had me down because she has young children. Her mother-in-law said that things were looking much better. At first they had been told it was Stage III and that it had spread to her lungs. They’ve since found out it’s still at Stage III, but it’s only in the lymph nodes. It hasn’t spread anywhere else.
There was the answer to my prayer of God showing me some encouragement today. Not only did I find out things weren’t quite as bad as thought for this lady, her mother-in-law who has got much more on her plate than I do encouraged me. It wasn’t so much that she said anything special but it was just the upbeat way that she spoke about everything. She knows things are still going to be hard for her family but they will get through them.
I’ve never doubted that there is a God or that he doesn’t care about us. Even when things seem quiet I know God is working, but I get so frustrated with it. I told Jay this morning that I could see how some people could really loose their faith during these silent times. I guess when you hear an answer, not matter how small it may be, it makes you really appreciate it after these times of silence.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Elephant in the Room
Writing a post about where we are at in our adoption has been the elephant in the room between me and the blog for quite some time (hence the title of the post). Even though it’s my blog and I can write what I want I kept getting this feeling like I needed to say something, but I didn’t want to. Maybe if I ignored it, it would just go away? Really, I’d much rather blog about valentine’s boxes, crazy people who drive off with other people’s ice scrappers or the fact that we went to Circuit City last weekend and got Aerosmith Guitar Hero for $20. That stuff is what’s real in our lives and that’s what I try to find humor in so that I don’t think about how far away and sad waiting on this adoption makes me feel.
Again (for the millionth time), I’m at a point in our wait where I sit at my desk chewing an enormous piece of bubble gum and sucking down bottles of water to keep from crying. Earlier in the morning I couldn’t concentrate on work because of our latest disappointment and now I can’t concentrate because all the water I drank this morning is now catching up with me. I can’t wait for the next few hours to get over with so I can go home. Again (for the millionth time) I have that feeling of not knowing if I can continue down this path. I wonder if this is really what we are supposed to be doing. Is this really what God want’s us to do?
Last December, right after Christmas, Jay’s Aunt Mary introduced us to a friend who had adopted. We met with Lindsey on the 27th and heard more about her story and she gave us some advice – we needed to change agencies. Needless to say I was discouraged after we met. Not that Lindsey was discouraging, but that once again we had made another bad decision.
Before Jay went back to school after Christmas Break he made some phone calls and we got some information from the new agency that Lindsay had suggested we try. Jay talked personally to a guy at this new place and he had a really good feeling. Once we received the application Jay got it filled out, but then we started having some serious discussions concerning what we were and weren’t open to. We were also questioning if we were doing the right thing. Is this what God wanted us to do? I was unsure about everything….was God telling us to try something else or was it my own impatience making me contemplate this change?
The weekend that my grandpa got sick and Jay and I were apart for the weekend he did some serious praying about our openness and what he was willing to be open to. Once Jay made some decisions with that things all of a sudden started happening. Our agency had 4 situations right in a row that they contacted us about. In one of the them we were only 1 of 5 profiles being shown. The odds seemed favorable. Another situation involved a set of twins (have I mentioned I’ve always secretly wanted twins). The other two seemed just as promising…surely something would happen. We quickly found out that we weren’t chosen for the twins. Ok, that one hurt a little, but I shed a couple of tears and moved on. Then we waited and waited and hadn’t heard anything about the other situations. Jay e-mailed our social worker and asked her to let us know if we weren’t chosen. We needed to know so we could emotionally move on.
When all of these situations started coming in I looked at the profiles online and realized there were only 4 other families on there longer than us. Then a couple of weeks ago I noticed we were now #3 in terms of length on the site. I had mixed feelings about this. Either it had to mean surely we were getting close or we are one of those families who are doomed to stay on the list forever. For some reason I felt more comfortable being in the middle. It never hurt so bad when one of the families who had been on there longer than us had “Placement” stamped across their face. Now we are gradually shifting into being the “old timers” on the list and today I saw that someone who was at least three months behind us in getting approved now has “Placement Pending” on their profile. That one stung a little. Not that I’m not happy for them, they are older than us and have no children, but it still hurts.
Since we still hadn’t heard anything from our social worker about the other situations I e-mailed her today (I must’ve have been in a self-sabotaging mood or something). She apologized but our name had somehow gotten left off the e-mail letting us know the birth families had picked the families. We, not surprisingly, weren’t one of them. She was quick to assure me though that there were other situations coming up. That really didn’t make me feel better today. We had been waiting to send our application to the new agency until we heard about these situations. Now I guess we are going to send it off this week.
Sometimes I wish God would send a message on a lightning bolt telling me if we are supposed to give up on this or not. I feel like we’ve been at this for so long and we haven’t gotten much of a break. This has been one of those seasons in my life where I’ve felt that God has been silent more than he’s spoken to me. I’ve read all sorts of things on what it means when God is silent but right now I’m too tired to recall how that all works together. The times we do feel like things are moving and we start to get a little hope it always seems to come to a screeching halt. I know God is working even if I don’t see it, but it’s hard to always stay upbeat about everything when you feel like you aren’t being heard. I’ve read numerous posts on the adoption forums I keep up with where the adoptive parent had reached their wits end and that’s when God finally answered their prayers. Either God isn’t going to answer that prayer for us when I’m at my wits end or else I haven’t reached that point yet. If what I’m experiencing isn’t to that point yet everyone better watch out. I can’t imagine me becoming any crazier than I already am.
Then when I write these kinds of posts I feel guilty because I think about problems that other people have and mine are nothing compared to theirs. I’ve heard about two young women who each have cancer in the last few days and my heart aches for them and their families. So what if I haven’t had my prayer answered yet about adoption. Should I be whining and crying about it? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. All I can do is thank God for the blessings that I have received and keep praying for some sort of an answer to our prayers…even if it’s not the one we want to hear.
By the way – I really like the Aerosmith Guitar Hero a lot better than the Legends of Rock. This game may even entice me to trying more than just the beginner’s level. Yes that’s probably one of those little known facts about me. For some reason I’ve always liked Aerosmith. Here’s another one – when I have these days listening to an Aerosmith song really loud in my car on the way home from work seems to do wonders for my mood. I hope I didn’t shock anyone too much with that statement.
Again (for the millionth time), I’m at a point in our wait where I sit at my desk chewing an enormous piece of bubble gum and sucking down bottles of water to keep from crying. Earlier in the morning I couldn’t concentrate on work because of our latest disappointment and now I can’t concentrate because all the water I drank this morning is now catching up with me. I can’t wait for the next few hours to get over with so I can go home. Again (for the millionth time) I have that feeling of not knowing if I can continue down this path. I wonder if this is really what we are supposed to be doing. Is this really what God want’s us to do?
Last December, right after Christmas, Jay’s Aunt Mary introduced us to a friend who had adopted. We met with Lindsey on the 27th and heard more about her story and she gave us some advice – we needed to change agencies. Needless to say I was discouraged after we met. Not that Lindsey was discouraging, but that once again we had made another bad decision.
Before Jay went back to school after Christmas Break he made some phone calls and we got some information from the new agency that Lindsay had suggested we try. Jay talked personally to a guy at this new place and he had a really good feeling. Once we received the application Jay got it filled out, but then we started having some serious discussions concerning what we were and weren’t open to. We were also questioning if we were doing the right thing. Is this what God wanted us to do? I was unsure about everything….was God telling us to try something else or was it my own impatience making me contemplate this change?
The weekend that my grandpa got sick and Jay and I were apart for the weekend he did some serious praying about our openness and what he was willing to be open to. Once Jay made some decisions with that things all of a sudden started happening. Our agency had 4 situations right in a row that they contacted us about. In one of the them we were only 1 of 5 profiles being shown. The odds seemed favorable. Another situation involved a set of twins (have I mentioned I’ve always secretly wanted twins). The other two seemed just as promising…surely something would happen. We quickly found out that we weren’t chosen for the twins. Ok, that one hurt a little, but I shed a couple of tears and moved on. Then we waited and waited and hadn’t heard anything about the other situations. Jay e-mailed our social worker and asked her to let us know if we weren’t chosen. We needed to know so we could emotionally move on.
When all of these situations started coming in I looked at the profiles online and realized there were only 4 other families on there longer than us. Then a couple of weeks ago I noticed we were now #3 in terms of length on the site. I had mixed feelings about this. Either it had to mean surely we were getting close or we are one of those families who are doomed to stay on the list forever. For some reason I felt more comfortable being in the middle. It never hurt so bad when one of the families who had been on there longer than us had “Placement” stamped across their face. Now we are gradually shifting into being the “old timers” on the list and today I saw that someone who was at least three months behind us in getting approved now has “Placement Pending” on their profile. That one stung a little. Not that I’m not happy for them, they are older than us and have no children, but it still hurts.
Since we still hadn’t heard anything from our social worker about the other situations I e-mailed her today (I must’ve have been in a self-sabotaging mood or something). She apologized but our name had somehow gotten left off the e-mail letting us know the birth families had picked the families. We, not surprisingly, weren’t one of them. She was quick to assure me though that there were other situations coming up. That really didn’t make me feel better today. We had been waiting to send our application to the new agency until we heard about these situations. Now I guess we are going to send it off this week.
Sometimes I wish God would send a message on a lightning bolt telling me if we are supposed to give up on this or not. I feel like we’ve been at this for so long and we haven’t gotten much of a break. This has been one of those seasons in my life where I’ve felt that God has been silent more than he’s spoken to me. I’ve read all sorts of things on what it means when God is silent but right now I’m too tired to recall how that all works together. The times we do feel like things are moving and we start to get a little hope it always seems to come to a screeching halt. I know God is working even if I don’t see it, but it’s hard to always stay upbeat about everything when you feel like you aren’t being heard. I’ve read numerous posts on the adoption forums I keep up with where the adoptive parent had reached their wits end and that’s when God finally answered their prayers. Either God isn’t going to answer that prayer for us when I’m at my wits end or else I haven’t reached that point yet. If what I’m experiencing isn’t to that point yet everyone better watch out. I can’t imagine me becoming any crazier than I already am.
Then when I write these kinds of posts I feel guilty because I think about problems that other people have and mine are nothing compared to theirs. I’ve heard about two young women who each have cancer in the last few days and my heart aches for them and their families. So what if I haven’t had my prayer answered yet about adoption. Should I be whining and crying about it? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. All I can do is thank God for the blessings that I have received and keep praying for some sort of an answer to our prayers…even if it’s not the one we want to hear.
By the way – I really like the Aerosmith Guitar Hero a lot better than the Legends of Rock. This game may even entice me to trying more than just the beginner’s level. Yes that’s probably one of those little known facts about me. For some reason I’ve always liked Aerosmith. Here’s another one – when I have these days listening to an Aerosmith song really loud in my car on the way home from work seems to do wonders for my mood. I hope I didn’t shock anyone too much with that statement.
The Dreaded Valentine's Box
Some of you may remember the Great Valentines Debate of 08. If you don’t here’s a refresher. I had, mostly my own internal, debates about Cade’s Valentine’s Box. I had numerous discussions inside my own head about what to do for a boy’s box. I was a little stressed out about it. Jay used his phrase of “I’ll make it happen” which is code for I’ll get around to it after I take care of State Degrees and Proficiency awards. So last year, the night before the party, I worked on the box while Jay was at yet another FFA meeting of some sort and Cade slept. He passed out on the way home so I let him sleep.
This year I started my nagging a little earlier – I again reiterated the fact I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A BOY’S BOX. When I started in on it Jay once again used the “I’ll make it happen” phrase which I told him to not even say it because once the words are uttered I know it isn’t going to happen. I stand corrected – Jay did make it happen this year. Last year Jay did see the importance of the Valentine’s box after helping Cade into school. He saw some of the other kid’s boxes and realized a Wal-Mart sack really wouldn’t cut it.
Thanks to a Mt Dew bottle, a TP Roll, a roll of aluminum foil, a bottle of craft glue and of course Jay we have a Valentine’s Box and it’s only Wednesday. The party still isn’t for two whole days. Now we need to finish those Valentines……3-D hard plastic cards that require a 6 year old to use a Sharpie to write on them….I’m almost 32 and I don’t trust myself with Sharpies. There have been lots of reprimands this week about not being spacey while holding a black Sharpie. So far the Karate uniform is the only thing that’s been hit.
I'll post pictures later.
This year I started my nagging a little earlier – I again reiterated the fact I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A BOY’S BOX. When I started in on it Jay once again used the “I’ll make it happen” phrase which I told him to not even say it because once the words are uttered I know it isn’t going to happen. I stand corrected – Jay did make it happen this year. Last year Jay did see the importance of the Valentine’s box after helping Cade into school. He saw some of the other kid’s boxes and realized a Wal-Mart sack really wouldn’t cut it.
Thanks to a Mt Dew bottle, a TP Roll, a roll of aluminum foil, a bottle of craft glue and of course Jay we have a Valentine’s Box and it’s only Wednesday. The party still isn’t for two whole days. Now we need to finish those Valentines……3-D hard plastic cards that require a 6 year old to use a Sharpie to write on them….I’m almost 32 and I don’t trust myself with Sharpies. There have been lots of reprimands this week about not being spacey while holding a black Sharpie. So far the Karate uniform is the only thing that’s been hit.
I'll post pictures later.
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